Special Guest Commentary from H Franklin Rockchild IV, Esq. BSC, SSC

I have become increasingly frustrated by the recent stream of ads coming from the campaign of John McCain and his surrogates which insinuate that his Democratic opponent Barack Obama is some sort of "elitist.". These kinds of lies cannot stand.

When my butler told me that some community organizing, Chicago Negro-American was supposed to be an "elitist" I nearly choked on my glass of '45 Mouton. I immediately had my staff prepare the jet so I could fly off to my private island to visit my wife and tell her of this ribaldry in person. We both laughed incredibly hard over our breakfast of baby dodo omlettes.

When my ancestors came to this country on the Mayflower, they did not come here so that some nouveau riche upstart could dilute the meaning of the word "elite". Indeed, my grandfather H Franklin Rockchild II would roll over in his mausoleum if such a thing was possible, especially as the result of a Democrat son of a goat farmer. (He would have risen from his grave had it been some damned dirty Irishman!)

Where are the ivy league academic halls named for Mr. Obama? Where are the skyscrapers? Why doesn't he have more cars and houses than he needs? Where are his collections of Old Masters, fine cigars, or vintage wines? Where are his countless servants, mindless hangers-on, and deadbeat relatives lounging near one of the pools in some obscure corner of his estate? But most importantly: can a man truly be elite if he has actually had to work a day in his life?

Has he been categorized ad elite merely because of some passing reference he made to arugula? Any Skull and Bones member worth his salt knows that arugula is not even in the same class of elite leafy green vegetables as, say, "lettage," "spinace" or any other found by one's servants in the aisles of Even More Whole Foods, away from the lecherous eyes of the proletariat.

In conclusion, therefore, I would like to remind Senator McCain that (1) the continual attempts at labeling Mr. Obama as an "elitist" is only serving to weaken the brand that my ancestors made others work so hard for them for and (2) that we're still on for bridge with you and Cindy on Thursday. I'll have one of the servants clean out the hanger for your jet. Luvvy and I are looking forward to it.

H Franklin Rockchild IV, Esq. BSC, SSC