The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat

State Supreme Court "Can't See Ship" in Legislative Redistricting Map

2012-01-26T21:43:00.004-05:00

In a stunning rebuke to the state GOP and mall kiosks everywhere, the State Supreme Court threw out the proposed legislative redistricting map because it couldn't see the ship that was supposedly contained within.

"This court finds that the final 2011 Legislative Reapportionment Plan is contrary to law," the seven-member court said, in a 4-3 decision. "Plus, we've been staring at it for, like, five hours now and we can't see anything."

Writing for the majority, Chief Justice Ronald Castille of Philadelphia said, "The Legislative Redistricting Commission keeps telling us to 'look past' the picture and let our eyes settle. What the hell does that mean? I'm not getting it, sorry."

The three minority justices, in their dissent, wrote "What do you mean you can't see it? It's so easy! It's a ship, come on!"

Democratic legislators had argued that the proposal had gerrymandered districts to ensure solid Republican districts and had disenfranchised those with only one eye.

"This decision today is of historic proportion. I'm very pleased," a victorious state Sen. Jay Costa, D-Forest Hills, said Wednesday night. "The Democratic party will continue its fight for the enfranchisement of Pirates, Cyclops, and Sandy Duncan."

Under orders from the high court, the Plan has now been sent back to the Commission where it is expected to be retooled as a Rorschach Test.

The map in question

Pittsburgh City Council Approves James Bond Issuance

2012-01-26T19:41:00.003-05:00

Facing a rising threat from SMERSH, Pittsburgh council today approved an $80 million James Bond issuance, despite a outstanding concerns that the Double O agent is reckless.

The City wants to bring down notorious publishing magnate Richard Mellon Scaife, who's front organization The Pittsburgh Tribune-Review has been funneling money into a scheme to hijack a Chinese missile to create an international incident. City Department of Public Safety Director Mike Huss told council that Mr. Scaife's actions are completely insane and possibly even psychopathic with scant regard for any of the lives destroyed as a result of his media ambitions and also that he has a missile.

He predicted that with the use of an exploding pen, a Walter PPK pistol, an Aston Martin, and a suggestively named lady companion, Mr. Scaife could be brought down in a fiery, expensive (looking) explosion in the South China Sea.

MI6, which oversees the City's special agent program, warned that after the previous encounter with SMERSH mastermind Ernst Stavro Blofeld, Mr. Bond was in no condition to take on this task. Director M had previously put Bond on a black list, for undisclosed reasons, but was widely suspected to some sort of sexually transmitted disease.

Mayoral Chief of Staff Yarone Zober disagreed with MI6's assessment of the situation, saying that, after proving himself by eliminating former URA Director Pat Ford, Mr. Bond is the finest City of Pittsburgh agent in the field today.

Mr. Scaife has already demanded the sum of $1 Million from the City of Pittsburgh, else he blow up the Mellon Arena.

James Bond will return in From Cleveland with Love

Typo in State of the Union Creates Constitutional Crisis

2012-01-25T20:21:00.000-05:00

(Reuters) Washington D.C. -- A typo in Barack Obama's 2012 State of the Union speech caused mass chaos in the halls of Washington DC and across the globe today, when he misattributed the status of the country to an unknown.

As the President concluded his speech, which promoted economic equity, governmental collaboration, and manufacturing expansion among other items, he stated "As long as we're joined in common purpose, as long as we maintain our common resolve, our journey moves forward, our future is hopeful, and the state of our Union will always be Stan" [emphasis added]. What was initially regarded as a possibly mishearing of the President's words or a slip of the tongue by Mr. Obama, was later confirmed to actually be within the text of the speech given to the Vice President and the Speaker of the House, signaling that the apparent flub was not a mistake.

After the speech, a flustered White House Press Secretary Jay Carney was pressed for an explanation by Reporters, but declined to respond.

This led to mass speculation in many online "blogs" across the country that the President was secretly transferring executive authority to a man named "Stan" or "Stanley" or "Stanislav". Commenters on the Right Wing Blog Freerepublic speculated that Mr. Obama was referring to "Pakistan" or "Afghanistan", fueling further speculation of his supposedly Muslim faith. Posters on DailyKos also speculated that "Stan" was Stan Lee, creator of Spiderman; Mr. Obama is a known comic book fan. ESPN.com believed that "Stan" was hall of fame baseball player Stan Musial, while The Weather Channel purported to have information that Stan was referring to the 19th Hurricane of the 2005 Atlantic Season.

The reaction across the world was tumultuous. The stock price of Standard Chartered PLC (symbol: STAN) soared in early trading on the London Stock Exchange, driving European futures up to near record levels. Seth MacFarlane's animated prime time show American Dad, which features main character "Stan Smith", was renewed by Fox through the 2018 season. In the UK, the graves of Prime Minister Stanley Baldwin and director Stanley Kubrick were opened as the superstitious lay next to the bodies. In Toronto, armed guards protected hockey's Stanley Cup from looters.

Congressmen and Senators scrambled across the corridors of the Capitol trying to discover who this "Stan" was, whether he was a Democrat or a Republican, and how this would affect reelection chances. All bills were held until "Stan" could sign off and the Chaplin of the House issued an invocation in "Stan's" name.

After several hours, the White House issued a statement saying that a fly had fallen into the computer, which had caused the typo, adding that a "Mr. Archibald Buttle" might want to lay low for a few days.

Allegheny County Changes Assessment Website Again

2012-01-24T20:19:00.002-05:00

From the P-G:

Less than one day after Allegheny County re-posted new assessment numbers on its website it has modified the procedure for finding them.

The new real estate values, available now only for properties in Pittsburgh and Mount Oliver, were put back on line Monday, but they are on a separate page from the current base-year numbers. The change made overnight reduces the number of steps needed to find new values, but it appears to make it more complicated to find the old values for comparison.

The new values are posted on www.alleghenycounty.us. To find them click on the ship on the seal of Allegheny County in the upper right hand corner. A new window will open with a prompt. You will be in a dungeon. There will be a KNIFE, a SHOVEL, and a GEORGE FOREMAN GRILL. The only exit is NORTH, but the DOOR is locked.

Pick up the KNIFE, SHOVEL, and GEORGE FOREMAN GRILL. Use the KNIFE on the LOCK and the DOOR will open. GO through the DOOR into the HALLWAY.

EXITS ARE SOUTH, NORTH, AND EAST Go EAST You are standing in a room with a DRAGON, the dessicated corpses of property assessors surround his sleeping body. There is light coming from an unknown source above you. Use GEORGE FOREMAN GRILL There is nothing to use GEORGE FOREMAN GRILL on Use SHOVEL You begin, quietly, to dig a hole in the middle of the room. Suddenly, you strike something hard. It is a BOX. The DRAGON stirs slightly. Open BOX BOX is locked in an overly complicated manner. Use KNIFE on BOX. You jimmy open the lock on the BOX. Inside there is a MAP. Read MAP The map is from FORMER COUNTY EXECUTIVE DAN ONORATO. He apologizes for the problem with the assessments, but would like to remind you that he didn't raise property taxes while in office. Also, your new assessment numbers are in THE CASTLE. Use SHOVEL on FORMER COUNTY EXECUTIVE DAN ONORATO. Yeah, I know, right? LOOK There is a DRAGON asleep several feet away from you and a hole in front of you containing a BOX and a MAP. Exit is WEST. Take MAP. You put the MAP into your inventory. GO WEST. You are in a hallway. Your Exits are NORTH SOUTH and EAST. GO NORTH You enter a very dark room. GO NORTH You enter an even darker room GO NORTH You are eaten by a Grue YOU HAVE DIED TOTAL POINTS 150.

Legion of Doom Endorses Mitt Romney for President

2012-01-23T20:39:00.007-05:00

(Reuters) Slaughter Swamp - In a surprise announcement today, the collection of super villains known as the Legion of Doom endorsed Mitt Romney for GOP nominee for President of the United States.

"We is very unhappy about Mitt Romney and we thinks he will do horrible job as candidate," said spokesman Bizarro, speaking from the Legion's secret headquarters outside of Gotham City. "We am sure that Mitt will fail in the General Election against the Communist Muslim usurper Barack Obama."

All candidates heavily courted Legion of Doom members for their endorsement. Ron Paul had previously received the endorsement of Sinestro during the 2008 election, and Rick Santorum had been campaigning with both the Scarecrow and Solomon Grundy over the last few weeks. In most circles, it was widely expected that Newt Gingrich, a former member of the Legion Of Doom, would lock up the endorsement. It seems, however, that Romney used his pull of the Legion's Chairman and his former Harvard classmate, Lex Luthor to sway over the remaining members.

The Legion of Doom's endorsement comes after several weeks of campaigning ahead of the Florida Primary, generally held to be the 2nd or 3rd most evil state in the Union. The endorsement is expected to help garner many votes from drug king pins, hypocritical religious voters, and people that drive 40 mph in the passing lane.

Pundits, however, are suspicious of the Legion of Doom's endorsement.

"You see, the LoD is evil and people know they're evil," said DC insider Alex Ross. "OK, they endorse Romney, right. But if people know that they are endorsing Romney, people aren't going to vote for Romney because they think he's evil, yeah? So they think they'll vote for someone who isn't as evil, namely, Newt Gingrich and *BAM* *POW* you have a evil guy in the White House. Classic Republic Serial Villain move."

Mitt Romney's campaign released a statement saying that he was appreciative of the Legion of Doom's endorsement, and would work with them to lower regulations on moon based death lasers, killing Superman, and lowering taxes for evil henchmen creators.

ADB Senior Comics Book correspondent Bob Kane contributed to this report.

Mustard Sauce wins South Carolina Primary

2012-01-21T22:10:00.001-05:00

(Food Network) Charleston, SC - In a surprise turn of events, Mustard based barbecue sauce rallied conservative South Carolinians to propel itself to a win in the state Republican primary, beating back challenges from East Carolinia Sauce, Memphis Sauce, and Mayonnaise.

"It's a great day for traditional barbecue values in the State of South Carolinia," said the candidate lto a mob of bibbed supporters. "We knew our combination of vinegar, yellow mustard, sugar and spices would appeal to the people of this state."

Mayonnaise pulled in a distant 2nd place finish, with Memphis Sauce and East Carolinia Sauce coming in second and third respectively. Texas Style Barbecue Sauce, initially expected to so well in this BBQ loving region, pulled out of the race and endorsed Mustard Sauce earlier this week.

Mustard based barbecue sauce had been considered an outsider going into South Carolinia, with many pundits expecting a strong showing from the inoffensive, nationally recognized Mayonnaise. Mayonnaise, however, faced charges during the last debate that it was not a true barbecue sauce and fought to defend itself against blistering attack ads from a Miracle Whip SuperPAC.

Mayonnaise has appealed to many eaters who want some sort of sauce on their food, but really don't like anything with too much flavor.

Tomato based Memphis Sauce polled well with traditional BBQ enthusiasts, who, according to exist polls, were concerned about allowing pork and hot beef to homosexuals. East Carolinia Sauce has continued to stay competitive in the race, even though many consider it to be a "cult candidate" for a national BBQ Sauce office.

Mustard based sauce now gains momentum going into the Florida Primary at the end of the month, but it faces challenges from a hispanic population which prefers an adobo based sauce and a Jewish population that complains that sauces make them "too gassy."

And Now...

2012-01-12T20:09:00.000-05:00

, , , , ,
           # # # # #
          _#_#_#_#_#_
         {_` ` ` ` `_}
        _{_._._._._._}_
       {_ H A P P Y _}
      _{_._._._._._._._}_
     {_ B I R T H D A Y _}
.---{_._._._._._._._._._}---.
(   `"""""""""""""""""""""`   )
`~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`

Have some seven year old, poorly aligned ASCII cake...

Tim Tebow Defeats GOP Field in Stunning Come-From-Behind Victory in New Hampshire

2012-01-10T20:00:00.001-05:00

(Reuters) Concord, N.H. - Few people in this small New England town expected Tim Tebow to beat Rick Santorum, let alone Mitt Romney. Yet, during victory parties across the state, no one was surprised.

"We knew that he was a competitor," said Ron Paul who came in third in the nation's first primary, "We knew he was going to do that. We knew if we let him stay in there and kept him alive then this could happen."

Tebow pulled in a surprising 43% of the Republican vote, including the staunchly conservative towns of Whitefield and Conway. After a three week blitz of the state and, despite the prevalence of attack ads against him, no competing campaign or PAC was able to land a solid critique to dissuade voters.

"He's a good campaigner," Governor of Texas Rick Perry said. "He bought time with his legs, his volunteers worked hard for him to get open to the public, and, uh... one other thing. Oops."

After a poor start, Tebow replaced Tim Paulenty -- who later dropped out of the race -- and has been polling well enough in early voting states to become a national phenomenon with the way he routinely conflated his performance with the will of God.

It was the way Tebow finished that surprised the other challengers. Since his early political career in Florida in 2009, Tebow has been criticized for his poor grasp of the issues. As thrilling as his wins have been this campaign season, he was so bad the last two debates that some in the campaign suggested the GOP start backing Rick Santorum, who hasn't held public office since 2007.

"The Tebow campaign just made some strategic moves," former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich said. "He opened up. We've seen many times where guys would actually drop the ball when they were wide open... think Gary Hart in '88. [Tebow] put the ball in tight places. Like Bill Clinton in '98."

As far as Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney was concerned, it wasn't Tebow that did the unusual. It was the rest of the GOP field.

"I'm surprised by the way the vote turned out today," said Romney, whose only hit on Tebow was a take on Gingrich's 'Moral Bologna' charge leveled at himself. "We ran our campaign in this state poorly. We didn't get pressure there at times. We let him scramble at times. We didn't cover well at times. It's a combination of everything. It's no one thing."

Asked his impression of Tebow's performance, Romney, as always, was vanilla. "He ran well enough to win, and we ran sorry enough to lose," he said.

Corn Wins Iowa Caucus

2012-01-03T21:46:00.000-05:00

In an election season that has already been full of surprises, a majority of Iowan Republicans today threw their votes to a native son, Corn, who easily beat off a come from behind surge from Tim Tebow and Not Obama, who came in second and third in the statewide caucus.

Speaking at the downtown Des Moines Marriot, Corn thanked his legions of supporters who came out with their friends and neighbors on a frightfully cold night in early January.

"I just want to say to everyone out there that when you think Corn, you think Ethanol, you think Flakes, and now you're going to think President of the United States."

Denver Broncos Quarterback Tim Tebow pulled out a strong second place, after spending a great deal of time outside of the state. Fundamentalist Christians, a powerful force in past caucuses, gravitated toward Tebow over the other self-declared Christian candidate Jesus of Nazareth, who came in a distant 6th behind a Half Dead Cat Who Barfs A Lot and John Huntsman. Fundamentalists were disappointed that Jesus did not address their major issues of abortion and homosexuality, instead focusing on "the poor" and "the meek."

Not Obama also performed well, buoyed by support by Newt Gingrich, Mitt Romney, Rick Perry, Rick Santorum, and Michelle Bachmann. Not Obama's 3rd place finish puts him in a good place going into the upcoming New Hampshire primary.

Corn, however, is expected to do poorly in New Hampshire, where it does not enjoy much in the way of grassroots support.

Barack Obama, who was not running as a member of the GOP, also managed to sneak in at 7th, supported by conservatives in favor of low taxes, killing of terrorists, and indefinite detention.

Still, with what seems like many years before the November election, the 2012 Presidential race is anyone's to take.

3...2...1...

2012-01-01T00:00:00.001-05:00

Happy New Year!

Reassessment Tips & Tricks

2011-12-29T19:51:00.003-05:00

So, now that you have your new assessment in hand, there are several things that you can do to help lower you property tax liability for 2012. No, I'm not talking about appealing your assessment or making sure that you're signed up for all the appropriate tax exemptions and abatements that the City and County have to offer. I'm talking about real, tangible ways to lower your taxes. For example:

(1) Burn down your house. Because of the way that the City, County & School District structure their taxes, the value of your property is greatly influenced by the value of any structure that sits there upon. So, if you have a building worth $80,000 and land worth $20,000, the combined value of the property is $100,000 and your taxes are $2,941. Now, let's say that somehow you don't have a building anymore. Well, then your taxes would rest solely on the value of the land ($20,000) and be only $588.20. The savings of $2,352.80 are well worth the initial investment of a few gallons of gasoline and a packet of matches. (Note: Most insurance agencies, fire departments, and neighbors generally frown upon arson so do your homework first.)

(2) Vandalism. If arson doesn't sit well with your insurance company, vandalism is also a good way to help drive down your property value. While you'll never be able to zero out the value of your structure, allowing a few windows to go broken, a porch to sag, or trash to be strewn upon your front lawn will be more than enough to reduce its value to a negligible level. If you're lucky, you can get the neighborhood children to help you by throwing rocks at your house or spray painting graffiti on your front door. Moreover, by decreasing the value of your property, you help to decrease the value of your neighbors' properties, allowing them to decrease their tax liability as well.

(3) Become a violent crime king pin. Any realtor will tell you that the three secrets to real estate are location, location, location, but those three secrets also play a part in your property assessments. Highly valued locations are, unsurprisingly, generators of higher tax revenues; lower valued locations are the reverse. So, if you want to lower your assessment, try making your surrounding neighborhood, what the Realtor's Association technically calls, a "shit hole." The easiest way to do this is to become a violent crime king pin, committing all types of violent and property crimes in your area from murder to loitering and everything in between. This will drive down the livability of your neighborhood thereby lowering the value of your location, which in turn will lower the amount of taxes you must pay.

(4) Leave your Christmas lights up year round. This is similar to point #3, only much more drastic and egregious. No one really wants to live next to "those" neighbors.

(5) Hire disreputable contractors. According to City code, when you do any improvements to a property you're supposed to let the Bureau of Building Inspection know what you're planning so that they can issue the appropriate permits. As a side effect, these permits also flag the County Assessor's office so they know that you're making repairs or improvements to your little hovel. As soon as they see that your contractor is done making improvements to your house, an assessor goes out and *BAM* hits you with a reassessment. But, let's assume that you use a contractor that's less than reputable... say one that doesn't have -- let's say -- "time" for all that -- let's say -- "paperwork". Now, what the County assessor's office doesn't know, isn't going to hurt you. Sure, you may have a botched wiring job from an uncertified electrician or your new toilet may now be leaking on your media room, but the point is that you'll be screwing over the City, County, and School District for literally hundreds of dollars.

(6) Become a multinational corporation. Since the Supreme Court's Citizens United ruling, becoming a multinational conglomerate has become easier and easier. A clever homeowner will be able to use his new found status and capital to twist some arms down on Grant Street and procure political favors, tax incentives, and other favorable conditions to help you eliminate your tax liability entirely. Now, as a job creator bringing untold (read: "unsubstantiated") investment to the region, you will be hailed as a captain of industry and a keystone of Pittsburgh's economic success.

(7) Organize as a tax exempt non-profit. This is only slightly less evil than point #6, unless your organization's stated goal is to kick puppies or provide health care.

(8) Become a municipality. Similar to #6 & #7, when you consider all the cities, boroughs, towns, Authorities, School Districts, and other government related organizations, there are currently something like 84 billion "municipal entities" in Allegheny County alone, each with swaths of tax exempt properties on the rolls. People aren't going to notice if there are a couple more. You just need a friend or two at the State Legislature (I'd recommend an Orie) to write some enabling legislation for you and you're all set to form your own little town. This exact strategy worked very well for Pennsbury Village.

(9) Convert to "virtual" properties. I'm not all that familiar with Facespace, Mybook, Friendster or any of those social media, interactive thingamadoodles, but I understand that there are places you can go where you can "farm" "land" and "raise" "crops" and do a bunch of "things" that you would do with ordinary real property. This virtual world is unreachable by the Allegheny County Real Estate Department and Department of Property Assessment, so, if you have the opportunity, sell everything, convert yourself into tiny pixels and live on a virtual farm... until the man from the virtual bank forecloses on you and you have to move out to California with the iJoads.

(10) Buy a houseboat/RV. The tax man can't tax what they can't chase down.

So, there's some suggestions. I'm sure the less ambitious among you will just hitch up your pants and pay the extra tax, but then you're probably the stupid ones.

Assessing Re-assessments

2011-12-29T18:20:00.001-05:00

If you're like me, you're 5' 11", named "Steve", live in the city and received a notice of Property Reassessment from Allegheny County as a belated Christmas present this week. (Frankly, I would have much rather received the three French Hens or the eight maids a-milking, but the County's on a shoe string budget, so I won't begrudge them for that.) If you're even more like me, you opened up your assessment and noticed two things: (1) that you now the proud owner of the Taj Mahal (or at least close enough for tax assessment purposes) and (2) the County is in absolutely no way responsible for this *COURT MANDATED* reassessment.

Indeed, if you don't have him on your junk mail list already, you probably also recently got a letter from Hizzoner Luke Ravenstahl informing you that he had nothing to do with the reassessments, so don't blame him when your taxes go up and he is forced by the Courts to roll around naked in the resultant piles of windfall cash. I'm sure that Luke is just sobbing himself to sleep every night with the thought that his short term budget problems are temporarily relieved.

Even more not to blame are the folks like Dan Onorato who fought so hard to keep assessments from incrementally ticking up so that one day in the future when he was out of office, the whole damned thing would blow up in everyone elses' faces. (Note to Highmark: make sure that any golden parachutes handed to Danny Boy are long term pay outs.) But you know, hey: at least they can say that they never raised property taxes.

Even even more not to blame are all the people that paid $X for houses who are now shocked and appalled that the County believes that their homes are actually valued at $X like their deed transfer tax said they were. Where does the county get the nerve to trust that the amount that a buyer is freely willing to pay for a good is actually indicative of its value? Are we in some sort of Communist dictatorship where market value is determined by some all controlling "invisible hand"?

The message here is clear: please ignore all economic and political realities and just be outraged.

Lights Please...

2011-12-24T16:15:00.000-05:00

Gorillas in the Mist

2011-12-23T20:35:00.016-05:00

Editor's Note: We don't usually do this, but our friend and sometimes colleague The Passive Aggressive Paperpusher had some things to say and offers up this post. Enjoy:

This Wall Street Journal article from last summer gives a quick overview of the Greater Pittsburgh medical insurance and medical provider markets.

newly combined Highmark-West Penn will face off against... UPMC. The prestigious $8 billion,19-hospital network employs 2,881 doctors and has about 56% of the inpatient market share in Allegheny County...

UPMC, which is the region's biggest provider. Highmark has reserves of $3.71 billion and market share of more than 50% in western Pennsylvania...

On the provider side, there is the UPMC gorilla, the Allegheny General dog, and then numerous independent or small chains of community hospitals (Heritage Valley, Excela Health.) The payor/insurance side is dominated by Highmark. UPMC runs an insurance company but its definately a secondary business interest for UPMC as the true money maker is the medical/hospital side of the non-profit. Aetna, United Healthcare and Cigna also compete in the commercial group medical market.

That is the overview of the two interrelated healthcare markets in Western Pennsylvania. Each side is dominated by a single large player, and those players each have a sideline business that is on the other gorilla's turf. The silverbacks have been beating their chests and bleating for the past six months until political pressure forced a one year cooling off period earlier this week.

So why did this happen, and why will the 2013 contract negoatiations be just as nasty.

CASH money homey.

Let me back up and go back to grad school for a moment. The two markets are highly consolidated, the GINI co-efficients are relatively high. Now what is a GINI coefficient?

The Gini coefficient (or Gini ratio) is a summary statistic of the Lorenz curve and a measure of inequality in a population.

The Gini coefficient ranges from a minimum value of zero, when all individuals are equal, to a theoretical maximum of one in an infinite population in which every individual except one has a size of zero.

Gini co-efficients are a quick glance way of measuring market power and consolidation. The higher the Gini co-effcient, the more concentrated an industrial sector, and the more the largest players in that market sector can be price makers instead of price-takers. Price-taking behavior is the underlying assumption of Econ 101 market competition as it assumes no one producer or buyer is big enough to move a market. That is not the case in Western Pennsylvania healthcare.

In an interrelated set of markets like medical provision and medical paying, an interesting exercise is to compare the Gini co-efficients between the sectors. This produces an outcome grid like the one below:

Currently the Western Pennsylvania health markets are stuck in the top left hand corner --- two gorillas both attempting to apply market pressure against the other to capture as much consumer surplus as possible. Each gorilla would like to move the situation to a High-Low combination and capture much more consumer surplus. The Econ 101 solution space is the bottom right hand corner where the consumer (us) is not getting royally shafted.

UPMC's strategic goal is to fracture the insurance market so that it, as the dominant provider, does not have to deal with a countervailing payor organization that can take its 3 million members and go home. Closing out access to most UPMC hospitals would force Highmark consumers and more importantly, their HR departments to begin to look elsewhere. The UPMC play was never intended to wipe-out Highmark, just defenestrate it. The was combined with new contracts signed with national insurance carriers that gave them in-network access to UPMC hospitals. These steps would minimize market concentration in the insurance/payor market, and thus allow UPMC to maintain a long-term upper hand in all rate negoatiations.

Highmark's strategic goal is to survive as an 800 pound gorilla/dominant player. They have a tougher hand to play, for if PPACA is upheld, in 2014, the state health insurance exchanges will simplify and lower the costs of entry for new insurers to enter the Western PA market. That will naturally lower the payor Gini co-efficient and favor large, integrated providers who can hold the individually weaker insurers over a barrel.

If Allegheny General was to close, there would be no counter-vailing provider with which Highmark could credibly threaten to redirect their customers to if UPMC got too expensive. The community hospitals are too small and too general for high end/specialized care to fill that roll. Highmark will most likely seek to first rebuild AGH, and then begin to cherry pick some of the healthy community hospitals. This will allow Highmark to create one of the two highly likely vertically integrated medical care silos in Western Pennsylvania over the next decade.

So that is the basic outline of what the fight is about: it is barely about reimbursement rates.

The Passive Agressive Paperpusher is the author of several blogs and a regular contributor to The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat. Join him at 3 PM on Monday December 26 on ADB+ where he will take readers' questions.

UPMC, Highmark Reach Deal

2011-12-23T20:06:00.000-05:00

In a non-descriptive bank building in downtown Pittsburgh, the heads of the major health insurance players and their aides hammered out an agreement for the control of drugs and other health care costs in the Western Pennsylvanian Market.

UPMC CEO Jeffrey A. Romoff thanked the Highmark CEO Kenneth R. Melani, M.D., and the heads of the other five familiar players in the negotiations: Governor Tom Corbett from Harrisburg, Rep. Randy Vulakovich from Shaler, and Rep. Dan Frankel from Squirrel Hill.

"How did things ever get so far? I don't know. It was so -- unfortunate -- so unnecessary. Melani lost patients -- and I lost patients..." said Romoff speaking to the goup. "If Melani agrees, then I'm willing to let things go on the way they were before."

Allegheny County Executive Dan Onorato thanked Romoff for helping to set up this meeting, and praised Romoff for his modesty. Melani objected, however, that Romoff carried too many judges and politicians in his back pocket and refused to share them.

Romoff countered that he never refused to collaborate on shared interests with Highmark, except for one time, because "I believe that Obamacare is going to destroy us in the years to come."

He continued, "I mean, it's not like chiropractic or acupuncture -- or even mental therapy -- which is something that people want nowadays, and is mandated by HHS. Even the lobbyists that've helped us in the past with malpractice insurance restrictions and other things are going to refuse to help us when it comes to Obamacare. And I believe that then and I believe that now."

Onorato suggested that, while the times have changed from one in which Health Insurance Providers could do whatever they want, Romoff needed to share his influence in Harrisburg and Washington and that UPMC could bill Highmark for these services, adding "after all, we are not Communists."

After Corbett suggested that Health Care should be provided to those that could afford it, but not to children or African-Americans, Romoff relented and offered a wish that a peaceful solution could be found to their problems. Romoff would provide political influence in exchange for the extension of health coverage in Western PA.

Melani insisted, however, that assurances be provided that as UPMC's position become stronger, Romoff would not exact a hostile takeover at a future date.

Romoff objected to the insinuation saying that he had selfish reasons to keep to the deal: his youngest son Michael had been forced out of the health care field by false charges and it was Romoff's desire to bring him back into the fold. If, however, information were to be leaked to the Department of Health and Human Services or to the FDA, he would blame people in the room.

With that the meeting concluded, but an anonymous insider with UPMC later suggested that Romoff believed that it was Onorato behind this manufactured crisis the whole time.

Happy Holidays (Part 2)

2011-12-23T16:45:00.005-05:00

It's also not Christmas without the Norelco Santa...

Happy Holidays (Part 1)

2011-12-23T16:30:00.015-05:00

Because it's not Christmas in Pittsburgh until you see this ad...

Our Crystal Ball...

2011-12-22T17:56:00.000-05:00

It's almost that time of year again where we forget about everything that's happened in the prior year and focus squarely on the upcoming on. So, without any further ado (except this little bit right here), here are the ADB predictions for 2012:

World

The International Financial Crisis will deepen as investors dump U.S. and European Bonds and invest in captioned pictures of cats.

In an attempt to confuse creditors, European Union will dissolve and reform as "United Europe."

There will be crisis in the Middle East, possibly involving sectarian strife, oil, and/or sand.

The UN will forget where they put Guinea-Bissau.

New North Korean leader Kim Jong Un will reveal himself to be Margaret Cho in a fat suit.

Vladimir Putin will win a third term as Russian President using the slogan: "Vote Putin if You Want to Live." He will gain 95% of the vote through intense stares alone.

Fidel Castro will spend the entire year being "close to death."

The Large Hadron Collider will have going to be have had discovered evidence of time travel in 2010 in 2013.

YouTube will upload its 1,000,000,000th video: a cat punching a man in the crotch. The RIAA will immediately demand that it be taken down for copyright infringement of its business practices.

The 2012 Mayan Prophecy will finally be revealed via a Little Orphan Annie Secret Society Decoder Pin.

Extraterrestrial Aliens will land in Trafalgar Square, grab a bite to eat, ask for directions to Barnard's Star, and be on their way.

National

Mitt Romney will lose the South Carolina primary to a more dynamic and interesting cardboard cut out of Mitt Romney. The Republican National Convention will eventually coalesce around the candidate that drew the short straw.

Michelle Bachmann will drop out of the GOP Primary race and instead run as an Independent for President of the Moon People.

Congressional approval ratings will scrape the bottom of the barrel and then start to dig their way through the barrel, eventually finding themselves in the center of the Earth's molten core.

The Presidential election will be decided by two states: Wisconsin and Denial.

The US Economy will go up or down, which will be blamed on the President.

The Occupy Wall Street movement will be co-opted by TLC as a new reality show. Ironically, no one will learn anything from the experience.

Britney Spears will be married for the third time as part of a cross promotion with her new album and then for a fourth time to distract from poor album sales. .

Americans will still inexplicably care about the Kardashians.

Community will return to rave reviews, but no one will know when NBC has placed it on the schedule.

Instead of re-remastering Star Wars, George Lucas will instead resort to outright blackmailing of fans.

State

Governor Tom Corbett will accidentally drink 6 oz. of fracking fluid and mutate into something closely resembling a human being.

The State Legislature will do absolutely nothing of consequence, but make it seem like they have.

New PA Congressional Redistricting maps will result in the unintended enfranchisement of most of Delaware.

The City of Harrisburg will solve its financial quandary by turning the entire city into a Thunderdome.

The PA Turnpike will be blocked between the Bedford and Somerset Exits from 8:15 PM to 11:20 PM because of an overturned tractor trailer.

State Liquor Stores will be sold to Highmark Blue Cross/Blue Shield. The deal will be praised for its "synergy".

Transportation will be funded entirely through "Groupon Deals".

Wilkes-Barre will be something else, let me tell you. You'll wish you had been there to see it.

City & Region

Luke Ravenstahl will be embroiled in a scandal involving developer kickbacks, road paving, and a parrot named "Morty" who just won't shut up about Tim Tebow.

With the departure of Doug Shields, City Council meetings will be over in 30 minutes.

Rick Fitzgerald will lose his temper and punch a hole in the City-County Building.

Fox Chapel residents will whistle and walk away non-nonchalantly.

USAirways will begin $5 direct flights to Paris (with $3,000 disembarking fees).

Someone will hit on a hard 18 at the Rivers Casino.

People will be angry about their property reassessments.

The Borough of Mount Oliver will continue to exist for some inexplicable reason.

Pittsburgh residents will queue up for the new Batman movie and spend the whole time shouting "Oooh! I know where that is!" at the screen.

The North Shore Connector will be opened to thunderous "meh".

The Pirates will enjoy a brief stint at the top of the National League and then play their second game.

Sidney Crosby's concussion prognosis will be downgraded from "Serious Head Trauma" to "College Republican".

Arrested Development

2011-12-20T21:09:00.002-05:00

Anybody else remember the following picture?

Don't feel bad if you don't, but for maybe a week in 2002 this was kind of a big deal and the apex of the Fith/Forbes development planning. The Murphy Administration had big designs for Downtown Pittsburgh: high end retail & living accommodations anchored by big named tenants. It was going to be a "transformative" event, to use the common parlance being bandied about at 414 Grant Street today. Murphy lasted a few more years, but the Fith/Forbes Development sputtered and died because of community and political pressures.

But, if you were to ask the Mayor's Office today, they would tell you that what they're doing Downtown is absolutely, totally, utterly and completely different from what was proposed under previous mayoral administrations. So, of course, the above image is nothing like the following image:

Absolutely, totally different:

And may God help you if you even try to suggest otherwise.

A Bureaucrat's Aside Re: Editing, Proofreading, etc.

2011-12-16T20:11:00.000-05:00

As both of you who read this blog may have noticed, the number of spelling and grammatical errors have increased considerably since I came back from my extended hiatus. This is not (generally) because of my 2 bottles of wine/day habit, as one may have assumed. Instead, I have recently made the great leap in computing technology from a TRS-80 to an iPad 2.

The upgrade was mandated by my Cats, who were tired of trying to wedge themselves between my lap and the keyboard and decided that, rather than argue with me over the issue, they would work together to push the 50 pound behemoth off of my desk, causing it to shatter into a hundred thousand little bits. Also, I did want to play a version of Angry Birds that didn't involve me chucking the entire computer at a flock of birds.

So, I don't begrudge the change, but the iPad 2 is much more difficult to compose long strings of prose than the old computer. For some reason, the iPad 2 hates the letters "t", "h", and "e", so "this" becomes "his" or "is", "the" becomes "he" or "e", and "rhythm" becomes "rym". This I attribute to my disturbing monkey-like, sausage fingers and decades of learning how to touch type (at the expense of not learning how to play the piano), which has made me unable to type with fluidity on what is basically an expensive pane of glass. Sure, it's light and convenient, but I look like an awkward hipster Tyrannosaurus now.

Anywho, as noted at the bottom of the page here spelling and grammatical errors are "par for the course", so if I see them, I'll fix them, but if I don't... well, just ignore the mistak.

From the ADB Department of Projectile Vomitting

2011-12-15T19:57:00.000-05:00

Hang onto your cotton candy, hot dogs, pizza, funnel cakes, and deep fried oreos, kids:Thrill-seekers will have one more thing to scream about at Kennywood Park in 2012. The new Black Widow will swing a circle of 40 riders back and forth like a pendulum while at the same time rotating them counter clockwise. At its peak, riders will hang 146 feet off the ground -- upside down -- while moving at 68 mph.
As my Grandmother used to say "OH SWEET JESUS I'M GOING TO BE SICK! HELP ME LORD OH HELP ME LORD!!"

I can only assume that this thing was design to get the maximum puke coverage over the park; whereas he Pittfall only had a hork-splash area of about 10 feet around the tower, his thing will send huey from Old Kennywood all the way to the Racer.

Seriously, I think I'm about to throw up just thinking about it.

Paging Ralph to the porcelain phone. Ralph to the White porcelain phone.

State GOP Unveils "Post-Modern" Redistricting Map

2011-12-15T19:43:00.000-05:00

Members of the State GOP today unveiled a new restrictricting map, which seeks to redefine the concept of "Map-ness".

Flanked by prominent members of the post-modern philosophic elite, State Sen. Chuck McIlhinney, R-Bucks called the new map "a bold deconstruction of the hermeneutical boundaries of visual language".

"When most people think of maps, they impart some sort of arbitrary meaning to the representations. Our goal here is to remove those artificial structures that we as a society impose upon ourselves in the hopes that we can truly understand what it means to be representatively governed".

The "map" itself is not a map in the tradition sense of the word, but rather large ideas, pictures, and strange symbols plastered to the side of a cow with a helmet on. The words "4th District" and "Chocolate Pudding Slide" figure prominently into the designs, which draw influences from such disparate sources as Ludwig Wiggenstein and Jacques Derrida and also eliminates Rep. Jason Altmire's district entirely.

The work was immediately denounced By State Democrats.

State Rep. Greg Vitali, D-Delaware County, blasted the shape of the 7th District, calling it "an absolute, unmitigated disgrace. I am shocked and speechless. It disregards continuity. I am shocked at what people who are drunk with power would do when given authority."

"Plus, it is totally phallic in shape, a symbol of the oppressing patriarchy of what can only be described as the cold, womb-less environment of our state government."

Classical Philosophy trained Government Officials have also denounced the map, preferring instead to leave the final decision on the shapes up to a panel of philosopher kings.

As Certain as Death and Tax Portfolio Sales

2011-12-12T22:44:00.002-05:00

From the P-G:

The county is in line to collect $6 million by the end of this year in return for a portfolio of tax liens worth $7.2 million. The liens are claims against almost 5,000 properties for unpaid real estate taxes for the years 2008 through 2011...

The $7.2 million in tax liens cover 4,977 properties throughout the county.

Those parcels are among more than 18,000 properties across the county on which $14.6 million is owed in back taxes and penalties for the three years. The county had sought bids for the sale of all those liens, but the offer to buy them came in at just $7.5 million. That deal would have gained the county about 52 cents for each dollar owed.

The county has used tax-lien sales to raise revenue in the past. A 2007 tax-receivable sale yielded $13.4 million from the sale of liens valued at $18 million. That represented an upfront payment of 75 cents for each dollar owed the county.

Ms Griser estimated that, based on past experience, it will take the buyer of the liens about four years to get back the $6 million initial investment.

If I'm reading this right and doing the math correctly, we're looking at round about $1.5 billion worth of property that's tax delinquent (assuming that any multiple liens sort of even out). Even if it was a third of the value, that's still a lot of property to be tied up with a third party collections gency.

So tax portfolio sales seems to be one of those great get rich quick schemes municipal entities try to use to balance their books riiiiight before a crisis. Of course if we learned anything from the City's Capital Assests debacle*, we remember that for a short term influx of cash, the City's hands were tied when it tried to assemble large swaths of property for redevelopment. Capital Assets literally stuffed all of these bad liens into a black hole (for you clever dog Latin fans) and held up development progress for years. As a colleague of mine once said, "It was the dumbest thing the City could have done."

Flash forward to today: even though the County taxes are a fairly minor sum when compared to other taxing bodies, in an economic downturn it seems odd that the portfolio purchaser would seem to value it so highly. Without knowing what types of property specifically were in that pool of liens, they paid $.86 on the dollar... which I would assume means that they expect to collect at least 87% of the liens. I don't know if I can say for sure if this is unreasonable or not given the national economic trends, but I get the feeling that they may be waiting a loooong time for their purchase to pay off. In the meanwhile, depending on how well their collections go, this new delinquent tax lien holder could wait it out, slowing community redevelopment until others with deep pockets come and pay them their full asking price.

If not, they can always package it as a security and create a "safe" vehicle for investors. You know... again.

---
*We haven't.**
**That post is almost five years to the day, by the way.

Council pushes through various bills before deadline

2011-12-08T23:32:00.001-05:00

As the second best source for local news reported, Pittsburgh City Council, mistaking itself for a group of drunken college students, today started it's end of the semester rush to finish all of it's work, in the hope of passing Introduction to LED Billboards, Public Expenditure Analysis, Environmental Sciences, and Zen and the Art of Rhetoric. In all, I think everyone is just shooting for a C+ Average.

Anyway, amidst the flurry of bills that were introduced there were a few that the P-G missed:

* A bill to require the Historic Review commission to mark the location of all the former Isaly's as a Pittsburgh way finder system.
* A bill to not go for it on 4th and Goal.
* A bill increase the minimum drink limit at Council to 4.
* A bill amending the capital budget by diverting $6,000 from Mainstreet improvement on Murray Avenue in Squirrel Hill to Mainstreet improvement on East Ohio Street in East Allegheny.
* A bill re-amending the capital budget by re-diverting $6,000 from Mainstreet improvement on East Ohio Street in East Allegheny to Mainstreet improvement on Murray Avenue in Squirrel Hill.
* A bill re-re-amending the capital budget by re-re-diverting $6,000 from Mainstreet improvement on Murray Avenue in Squirrel Hill to Mainstreet improvement on East Ohio Street in East Allegheny.
* A bill re-re-re-amending the capital budget by re-re-re-diverting $6,000 from Mainstreet improvement on East Ohio Street in East Allegheny to Mainstreet improvement on Murray Avenue in Squirrel Hill.
* A bill amending the capital budget by diverting $6,000 from Mainstreet improvement on Broadway Avenue in Beechview, $3,000 to Mainstreet improvement on Murray Avenue in Squirrel Hill and $3,000 to Mainstreet improvement on East Ohio Street in East Allegheny.
* A bill amending the City Charter making the Councilperson representing Beechview give the Councilpersons representing Squirrel Hill and East Allegheny a foot rub.
* A bill telling the Councilpersons representing Squirrel Hill and East Allegheny to shut the hell up.
* A bill to why don't you make me shut the hell up.
* A bill to oh, on it's on now.
* A bill to throw a right, a left hook, a right jab, to pull hair, to kick in the crotch, and to bash the Councilperson's head off the table.
* A bill to pick up the Councilman's teeth off of the Council floor.
* A bill to call the ambulance...

* A bill to make December 14 Chocolate Pudding Day in the City of Pittsburgh.
* A bill to end this list of bills.

In all, it was one of the more exciting meetings.

Yarone Zober in Posession of Magic Monkey Paw

2011-12-07T20:57:00.000-05:00

According to sources on the 5th Floor of the City Council Building, Mayoral Chief of Staff Yarone Zober refuses to give up an enchanted monkey paw that grants its owner five wishes.

Reports are sketchy as to where the monkey paw originally came from. Mr. Zober initially claimed that it was given to him as a birthday present by a cousin in 2006, although that claim was later proven to be false. He later claimed that he acquired the monkey pawn in a, since disappeared, Chinese market in the Strip District from an old man with a long beard.

In any case, the monkey paw apparently grants its bearer five wishes. Three are known to have been granted: (1) the July 2006 purge of B.J. Leber, Susan Malie, and Paul Leger; (2) his ascension to the position of Chief-of-Staff; and (3) the elimination of former URA Executive Director Pat Ford. Sources indicate that he may have also used a wish to assure a Ravenstahl victory in the last Mayoral campaign, although that has not yet been confirmed.

The Mayor's Office staff has been pressing Mr. Zober to use his final remaining wish wisely, perhaps to provide for additional funding to the city, to resolve outstanding Act 47 issues, or even create a giant permanent chocolate pudding slide in Beechview.

Mr. Zober, however, appears to have refused to use his final wish yet. Another source on Grant Street indicates that Mr. Zober intends to use the monkey paw to create more wish bearing monkey paws.

Local Tarot reader and expert on the occult known only as "Madame Kovarian" offered a dire warning to the City of Pittsburgh: "It is a thing of great evil and must be destroyed at all costs. And the monkey paw too".

More as this story develops.

A Bureaucrat's Aside Re: Weather

2011-12-06T22:38:00.000-05:00

I'm beginning to wonder if the 2012 Capital Budget has any money in it for plowing away the large amount of gray that seems to be accumulating this winter season.

Forty Days and Forty Nights of gray was God's original plan to destroy the Earth, but he couldn't get Noah out of bed to build a giant multi-hued candy and puppy factory... So he went with a flood and an ark instead. Sure, the flood was a physical catastrophe, but the gray would have been emotionally devastating.

The moral of the story is that, sure you can drive a car through Beechview when it's graying outside without sliding down the hills smashing into every car on your way, but you kinda wish you would just to add some excitement.

Is the Answer to this Question Yes? Some say no.

2011-12-05T19:00:00.000-05:00

A recent CNN-Time Magazine poll has revealed that a slim majority of Americans (51%) believe that the answer to this question is Yes, down from 60% only 5 years ago. Fully 47% of those surveyed believed that the answer to the question was No, with the remainder answering "Jar of Walnuts". By comparison, nearly 90% of Europeans, when asked the same question, responded with "Yes", a position that has been steadily growing over the last 10 years.

The debate between Yes and No has spilled out into classrooms, legislatures, and sports arenas, fueled by increasing fanaticism from the No supporters.

Defenders of the Yes position say that there is ample evidence on their side, and that those who are advocating No are few and far between.

"Look, despite the massive amounts of scientific evidence, case law, and religious dogma in our favour, there is still a small vocal minority out there that cling to this contrarian position," says Professor Peter Ian Staker of the University of Sandford in Gloucestershire, UK. "They do not offer a a sound intellectual or moral argument for 'No', but they feel that in their heart-of-hearts they must be right. One can only assume, therefore, that they are massively ignorant or are being actively mislead by others."

Indeed, a review of all 5,000 peer reviewed scientific articles on the Yes versus No question, only three defended the No position and even then merely tangentially. However, in a review of major popular media outlets during the same period, nearly half of the reports were either proponents of No or espoused a neutral value to either positions.

"There is no neutrality here," says Professor Staker, "There is a clearly defined, unambiguous, settled argument here with the exception of people that are pants-on-head crazy, ignorant, or crazy-ignorant."

Despite this sentiment, the Anti-Yes contingent continues to generate millions of dollars per year in grant funding from highly placed philanthropists and industry trade groups, such as George Squaash Faices (heir to the Squaash fortune) and the Americans Against Anti-Negativity (a front for the National No Foundation, which is funded by No, Inc., No, Never & Not At All LLP, and Not on Your Life Sonny-Boy Enterprises, amongst others). These individuals and organizations have used friendly media outlets, internet message boards, researchers, and apathy towards the debate to convince the general public that the No Position is seriously being debated outside of their echo chamber. In turn, this backlash at Yes has enabled many Pro-No supporters to be elected to the highest levels of state & local government.

Joseph Duddley, a plumber's assistant and author of the blog "Say Yes to No," says that Americans are sick and tired of being told that Yes is the answer.

"My grandfather didn't come to this country to be told by some pointed headed academic that the answer is Yes. He was his own man and he raised my family to believe in the values of hard work, apple pie, and No. There's all this evidence that No is the answer, but they just refuse to listen."

Professor Staker disagrees.

"False equivalency in the media between the Yes and No positions is a major source of confusion for the public. People assume that the media is an unbiased observer, reporting facts, but the truth is that in the rush to objectivity the media does a disservice by portraying balance when there clearly is none."

While both sides have their points, at the moment the question seems to be remaining unsettled for now.

Ravenstahl Tells Council to "Trust Him" on Secret Bill

2011-12-04T22:48:00.000-05:00

Mayor Luke Ravenstahl is urging members of Council to vote for a bill the details of which are not yet know.

The City Clerk received a large brown envelope on Friday of morning, the contents of which were not shared to anyone, including the Clerk herself, Linda Johnson-Wasler. Sources in the Mayor's Office have, however, confirmed that it is a bill to be set before council for approval. Only after approval will the nature of the bill be revealed.

"It's a good bill," said the Mayor in an interview to KDKA-TV, "Just because Council hasn't actually had the opportunity to read it or know what it is doesn't mean they shouldn't vote for it. They need to trust me that I know what I'm doing as Mayor.".

The Mayor's opponents on Council, however, do not share the same optimism.

"For all we know, the Mayor could be offering a bill to sell the City for a handful of magic beans and a small yak," said Councilman Bill Peduto in a statement. "As responsible members of City Council, I think we need to know at least the title of the bill before we vote for it."

Rev. Ricky Burgess, a staunch ally of the Mayor on City Council, defended the Mayor's approach.

"I don't know what's in the bill, specifically, but I'm guessing that it's some sort of pony. We really should trust he mayor on this and do what he says. I think it'll be good."

Insiders in the City Clerks office managed to peak at three words of the bill, which they believe to be "Soffer" and "Waffle Iron", but could not explain what the bill old possibly be about.

This would not be the first bill that Mayor Ravenstahl has tried to slp past Council. Only last year he tried to sneak through a "Hookers and Blow allocation to Mayors with names ending in '-Avenstahl'" stapled to the back of a CDBG funding bill.". That bill was opposed by all except Rev. Burgess.

More details as this story develops.

Going off the Rails

2011-11-30T20:55:00.020-05:00

Riffing off of what Rear Adm. Briem (Ret.) had to say about what Diana Nelson Jones had to say about the T today, I think it's interesting to consider the map that Chris posts:

OK, maybe half a map. Moving on...

Now, I don't like being a technological determinist (I think of it as lazy sociology), but on some level I'm a materialist and I believe that our societal condition is reflective of real, tangible things and not just some aethereal Hegelian Thesis. So, I will readily accept that things like the automobile, highways, two car garages, etc. changed the way we approached urban planning. If there's any doubt as to the impact of the automobile on the development of Western Pennsylvania, ask yourself if places like Cranberry, Monroeville, or Robinson Township would even begin to approach their current scale without it.

So, let's step back and consider, for a moment, how the urban fabric would be different if the above map had actually played out. Let's assume, therefore, that by 1985, the entire rapid rail system would have been built, stretching from nearly Armstrong County to the Greater Pittsburgh Airport.

If you read the transportation plan you'll notice two things immediately. First, while it notes that Pittsburgh's population has dipped slightly and is trending downwards, it predicts that the population will move out to the suburbs and the county trend will be a 50% increase in population over the next 15 years. Second, the study believe that the current trends in employment will remain more or less constant all through 1985.

(You may take a good hearty laugh right now.)

OK, so that didn't work out too well, but the planners of the day didn't know that yet. It does note, however, that there's a trend towards personal automobile ownership, but I'm not quite sure it grasped the full magnitude of what was about to happen.

Now, the map above is a little blurry, but there are 8 major corridors: Ohio River, North Hills, Allegheny Valley, Wilkinsburg-East Hills, Monongahela Valley (really the lower East End), Pleasant Hills (really the Mon Valley), South Hills, and the West End. All of these corridors focus in on Downtown, in the wheel & spoke model that Pittsburgh's bus riders are familiar with.

Interestingly, the report suggests that the Downtown to Monroeville Transit Route would be the most used, followed by a route to Route 19 and Castle Shannon, while more people would head towards the County Airport than Greater Pittsburgh International Airport. Highest priorities, then, were the route from Downtown to Monroeville, from the North Hills to South Hills, then to the County Airport.

I guess in some sense, the report was generally correct: the Monroeville Route is pretty much the existing East Busway and the Castle Shannon Route is pretty much the existing T-Line.

But what was not really predicted was the expansion Northward and Westward. The report notes that the demand to go to the Airport was minimal at best. Also, Oakland is presented almost as an afterthought to the planning, with so-called "knowledge economy" still being years after the impending collapse of the steel industry.

Also not taken into consideration is the racial migration and segregation patterns that fully took hold in the '60s. The Civic Arena had already been built, but the Middle and Upper Hill still had some life left in them.

What would a rapid transit enabled City of Pittsburgh look like then?

I think in some sense it would, from a distance, look much the same: the patterns of development (Robinson and Cranberry excepted) are served mostly by the East Busway, T-Line, and North Hills HOV Lane. The creation of a single rapid transit system would have probably caused those areas, particularly Monroeville, to concentrate into more densely organized enclaves to take advantage of the proximity of rail stations. Ergo, I believe that the Miracle Miles Shopping Center would have been more of a Miracle Acre. If you take a look at the development in the South Hills where the T did in fact go, you see fairly concentrated development (although this could also be explained by the tight topography of the area), which sort of backs up this suspicion.

If a line had gone out West towards the airport, however, we would have seen a much different pattern than what we have now. Robinson and South Fayette would not have slouched all over the airport area and people would stop complaining about commuting into Downtown through the Fort Pitt tunnel, because of all the people coming in from Robinson and South Fayette. It might have actually been a halfway decent place to live.

I also imagine that places like East Liberty and Homewood would have not suffered as sharp a decline over the last 40+ years, as these difficult-to-access neighborhoods would have been tied into a larger transit network capable of disbursing residents throughout the county. Perhaps that might have convinced transportation planners that stupid roads like the Mon-Fayette Expressway wouldn't really be needed.

Downtown and the surrounding areas would have probably benefited from the cheap, quick transportation and companies that would eventually seek new office space would seek to be if not in or near downtown then along one of the transit arteries. If anything, the oil crunch in the '70s would have made such sites much more valuable.

This assumes that the population trends remained the same and that by the mid 1980s, with the collapse of the Steel Industry, the City fathers didn't just throw up their hands and give up on the lines (which is some sense, they did). Not addressed in the plan, of course, are former industry site like the South Side and Hazelwood, one of which, today, is booming while the other remains stagnant. Because it would have been less accessible, I could see that the South Side may have lost it's trendy character to areas like Uptown, which would have been easier to access by the student populations.

Anyway, this is all just a big old thought experiment which needs more than just three glasses of cheap red wine to fully hash out. Planning for such a large project with a large time horizon is hearly impossible. In reality we're kinda stuck with what we got.

Until the Port Authority develops time travel.

Herman Cain Gets Out in Front of Reports Godfather's Pizza is Crap

2011-11-28T22:59:00.010-05:00

Breaking News: Not waiting for an accuser's press conference to make news of the latest accusation made against him, Presidential Candidate Herman Cain went to CNN on Monday afternoon to announce: "This individual is going to accuse Godfather's Pizza of tasting like salty garbage... And frankly, I can't say I disagree." Cain added, "I mean, seriously, have you ever eaten it? It's total crap." when specifics are known. Atlanta's Fox News 5, which is scheduled to run its report at 11 p.m., is teasing the interview by calling it names and talking smack about its mother.

More as this story develops.

Herman Cain Gets Out in Front of Reports He is Really Two Midgets in a Herman Cain Suit

2011-11-28T21:59:00.004-05:00

Breaking News: Not waiting for an accuser's press conference to make news of the latest accusation made against him, Presidential Candidate Herman Cain went to CNN on Monday afternoon to announce: "This individual is going to accuse me of actually being two little people in a highly complex biomechanical suit." Cain added, "My campaign will respond" when specifics are known. Atlanta's Fox News 5, which is scheduled to run its report at 11 p.m., is teasing the interview with the latest Cain accuser by saying that he was initially approached to play the upper torso and right arm of the Cain suit.

More as this story develops.

Herman Cain Gets Out in Front of Report He Cancelled Arrested Development

2011-11-28T20:59:00.002-05:00

Breaking News: Not waiting for an accuser's press conference to make news of the latest accusation made against him, Presidential Candidate Herman Cain went to CNN on Monday afternoon to announce: "This individual is going to accuse me of personally ordering the cancellation of critically acclaimed sitcom Arrested Development in 2006." Cain added, "My campaign will respond" when specifics are known. Atlanta's Fox News 5, which is scheduled to run its report at 11 p.m., is teasing the interview with the latest Cain accuser by saying that he was close to the cast and crew and known solely as "Mr. F".

More as this story develops.

Herman Cain Gets Out in Front of Report He is the Lindbergh Baby

2011-11-28T19:59:00.001-05:00

Breaking News: Not waiting for an accuser's press conference to make news of the latest accusation made against him, Presidential Candidate Herman Cain went to CNN on Monday afternoon to announce: "This individual is going to accuse me of being the child of Charles and Anne Morrow Lindbergh, kidnapped in 1932." Cain added, "My campaign will respond" when specifics are known. Atlanta's Fox News 5, which is scheduled to run its report at 11 p.m., is teasing the interview with the latest Cain accuser by saying that she was one of two women hired to take care of the infant by the convicted kidnapper Bruno Hauptmann.

More as this story develops.

David Lynch Tapped to Direct 2012 Republican National Convention

2011-11-26T17:48:00.001-05:00

(Reuters) Washington D.C. - The Republican National Committee announced today that it has hired critically acclaimed director David Lynch to direct and produce its August 2012 Presidential Convention in Tampa, Florida.

Speaking on behalf of the 13 member Committee, RNC chair Reince Priebus said that they are excited to be working with an artist of Mr. Lynch's caliber.

"You don't often hear praise of a member of the Hollywood elite from the RNC," said Mr. Priebus to chuckles from the press, "but we want to show that the Republican Party is willing to think outside the box in 2012."

Mr. Lynch is most well known for his films Mulholland Drive, Blue Velvet and Dune as well as the cult TV show Twin Peaks, for which he won an Emmy award in 1990.

Many have criticized the major parties' national conventions over the last few Presidential cycles as being nothing more than three day ads, with little to no substance or drama. This criticism was being all three major networks' decisions to reduce their coverage to no more than a few hours.

Mr. Lynch was asked what he hoped to bring to the GOP that would help to make this year stand out.

"Well, I'm thinking of using a surrealist ethos in my directing of the convention. I plan to use light and shadow, maybe a large swath of red covering the speakers, a continuous hum and thunk of engines, five giants with bright blue eyes who talk backwards in a low voice, a dwarf in a gas mask dancing around the slaughtered carcass of a donkey, three midgets eating mustard off of a fat woman, and a crazy-looking lady running very slowly to the stage. I think all of that will serve to reinforce the underlying metaphor that the GOP is trying to get out to the voters, namely that of fiscal responsibility, social values, and security at home."

He added, "Also, I expect Kyle MacLachlan to do something with a severed ear."

This will be the first Presidential Convention for both Priebus and Lynch, who previously worked together in the movie Dune where Priebus played a spice transformed Guild navigator.

In other news, not to be outdone, the Democratic National Committee has hired Joss Whedon to direct, Dan Harmon to write, and Mitchell Hurwitz to produce what they expect to be a critically acclaimed, but ultimately commercially unviable Democratic Convention.

Black Friday Deals Lure Thousands of Lobbyists

2011-11-25T18:00:00.004-05:00

On K-Street in Washington D.C., thousands of special interest lobbyists lined up at at the wee hours of the morning, hoping to get a jump on 2012 campaign season.

"I'm really looking forward to getting a good deal on a Senator, maybe a Congressman," said Lloyd Blankfeinn of Goldman Sachs. "I hope to have all of my shopping done well before the Iowa Caucus."

The doors to Capitol Hill opened at 7 AM, prompting a jostling throng to press their way through, making a bee line to the incumbents, which were on special for a campaign contribution and a corporate jet ride. There was a rush on swing state Congressmen and vacant Senate seats.

Elsewhere in the country, lobbyists lined up at state capitols to get bargain local deals. John H. Pinkerton of Range Resources, Inc., a gas fracking company, says he looks forward to this time of year.

"You know, with a little planning, I can get over half of what I want right away. I've already bagged a Governor which came with a [Department of Environmental Protection] appointee. The kids are going to love it and I don't have to worry about last minute horsetrading before votes."

Many lobbyists had ben camped out for days outside federal, state, and local government buildings hoping to be first in line for deals. Grover Norquist of Americans for Tax Reform was looking to save money on a Inheritance Tax Scheme.

"I gave the kids a roll back on their marginal tax rate a few years ago, which was great, but they really want an end to the Death Tax this year. I told them if they were good, they might find that Alan Greenspan had left them a little present in their stockings. I really need to get a Commerce Committee chairman today, though, if I'm going to make that promise work."

There were some incidents of violence reported. One in Albany New York where two stockbrokers got into a fight over the last Attorney General and one in Sacramento California where a Coal Industry Lobbyist ran over a member of the Sierra Club in order to buy an EPA administrator.

Black Friday is traditionally the start of the Lobbying Season and set the tone for the next election year. Presidential futures were up in the morning, with Romney, Obama, Perry, and Gingrich all polling higher. Campaigners seemed eager this year to get a jump on contributions, despite an overall weak economy.

Those sitting out the lobbying frenzy this year are reminded that there are only 46 more legalized bribing days until the New Hampshire primaries.

News of the Something... I wasn't really paying attention

2011-11-23T21:35:00.000-05:00

And this shocked and appalled me:A new survey of New Jersey voters comes to a provocative conclusion: Fox News viewers tend to be less informed about current events than those who don't watch any news at all...

"The results show us that there is something about watching Fox News that leads people to do worse on these questions than those who don't watch any news at all," said Dan Cassino, a political science professor at Fairleigh Dickinson.

Those who watched Sunday public affairs shows tended to be the best informed on current events, the survey found. Readers of national newspapers also were more likely to respond correctly.
This can't be allowed to happen! This shall not stand! So, in the interest of improving Fox News viewers and making them, as they say, more learned by comparison, I'm embarking on a campaign of misinformation in order to bring down the average knowledge of everyone else. So, I want everyone to remember these new facts:

*The new Prime Minister of Italy is Mario Batali.
*The chief export of Spain is grapes and ball peen hammers.
*The recently lost Russian Mars probe was called the Findus-Gunt.
*Barack Obama cast the decided vote to kill the Supercommittee negotiations.
*The main countries involved in the "Arab Spring" uprisings were Tunisia, Egypt, Hatay, and Aladin.
*The European Debt crisis was caused by credit default swaps on national bonds and Speedos.
*The Occupy Wall Street movement was being funded by Steve Jobs until he died.
*Speedbumps are part of a government conspiracy with the auto industry to get you to buy new cars faster.
*French and Italian are the same language.
*Vladimir Putin has announced his candidacy for President of the Moon.
*Global warming is directly tied to the increase in the number of housecats in the U.S.
*Jello pudding is Evil.
*Gary Coleman was the Anti-Christ.
*Dogs are all Atheists

I hope you all feel dumber for reading this.

Now off to Wikipedia to make hose "facts" official.

Schoolhouse Rocks

2011-11-23T20:37:00.000-05:00

From the P-G-est P-G that ever P-G'd:The Pittsburgh Public Schools board has approved changes aimed at making the district more financially sustainable, including closing seven schools, opening a new elementary school, eliminating single-gender classes at Pittsburgh Westinghouse 6-12, selling two school buildings and changing some school feeder patterns.

The school assignment changes approved Tuesday night are for the next school year.

Ultimately, the changes are part of a plan that calls for eliminating about 400 school-based and central office positions to stem the district's growing operating deficit...

The two schools which the board agreed to sell are Pittsburgh Reizenstein in Shadyside to Walnut Capital and RCG Longview for $5.4 million, and the Ridge Avenue building on the North Side to the Light of Life Ministries for $1.1 million.

The Reizenstein developers plan to demolish the building and replace it with a $119 million development that includes housing as well as office and retail space.

The board rejected bids on Schenley in Oakland, Belmar in Homewood, Madison in the Hill District, Mann on the North Side and Morningside.

The new K-8 school approved Wednesday will be in the building now housing Pittsburgh Langley High School in Sheraden, which will close at the end of this school year. Langley High students will be reassigned to Pittsburgh Brashear in Beechview...

In addition to Langley High School, schools that will close at the end of June are:

• Pittsburgh Oliver High School on the North Side, with students assigned to nearby Pittsburgh Perry, which will continue its magnet program open to students throughout the city. Some students will travel to the Oliver building for career and technology programs as well as for JROTC.

• Fort Pitt PreK-5 in Garfield, with students assigned to Pittsburgh Arsenal PreK-5 in Lawrenceville, Woolslair K-5 in Lawrenceville and Fulton PreK-5 in Highland Park.

• Pittsburgh Schaeffer K-8 in Crafton Heights, with students assigned to the new K-8 school in the Langley building. Both the Schaeffer and Sheraden buildings that housed Schaeffer K-8 will close.

• Pittsburgh Stevens K-8 in Elliott, with students assigned to the new K-8 in Langley, Westwood K-5 and South Hills 6-8 in Beechview...
So, if you're counting: that's one high school left on the Northside, none left in the Western neighborhoods, and the elimination of 3 grade schools in the West (taking the number down to 3, I believe).

Now, I don't begrudge the BoE for reducing school space; a declining population necessitates fewer capital resources (i.e., you don't need as many school buildings). Further, I don't necessarily want to get into the discussion of whether neighborhood schools are the model that Pittsburgh should be trying to use; I'd say that there are benefits to that and benefits to larger feeder patterns.

What I'm concerned about, however, is the larger amount of real estate that that's under the control of the BoE that now going to be vacant. These are now, like Schenley H.S. before them, going to be large, vacant, money sucking holes in the Schools District's budget; while there may not be students in there, you still have to light them, heat them, secure them, and make sure, in general, they don't fall down.

I guess my complaint here is that the BoE is making its decisions in a vacuum: the closing of these schools will have a long term effect on the economic conditions of several of these neighborhoods. Without a plan to figure out the next highest and best use for these properties, they will continue to sit as vacant, non-tax revenue generating properties. Now, you would hope that they would enter into this with some sort of end game that both divests themselves of these loser properties and helps out their colleagues in the City Government to generate some economic development.

But this is the School District; anything other than education is furthest from their minds.

Well, education is definitely in the top ten, anyway.

Anyway, my point is that as one of the major landowners of non-taxable properties in the City of Pittsburgh, I can only hope that the BoE has some sort of plan as to how they're going to deal with these properties.

My guess is that they don't and our School District taxes are going to go towards unnecessary expenses.

From the ADB Archives

2011-11-21T21:00:00.018-05:00

Smithfield, England (London Gazette, 1381) - Leaders of the so-called "Occupy London" movement have announced a meeting tomorrow with the King to discuss and air greviances relating to feudal abuses amongst the top 1% of the gentry.

"We are disatisfied with the current state of serfdom," said spokesman Wat Tyler. "We want the nobility to be aware that we are willing to cause trouble for them. Since the end of the Black Death, we demand that wages and living standards become for equitable for the remaining 99% of the population."

The so-called "Occupy London" movement arose from the imposition of an unpopular tax at the beginning of the young King's reign. Many have blamed the collusion of vested interests amongst the landed gentry and the Church, exploiting the inexperience of the current administration.

Critics of the movement have called the participants "a rowdy mob of dirty serfs" who are "unclear on their demands." The King's Uncle and Duke of Lancaster John of Gaunt has publicly called for the protesters to "get a job -- one that we make you do because of your feudal loyalty to your masters". Popular bards, under the patronage of the Lord Chancellor, have written controversial ballads ridiculing the movement.

The cost of serf Labor has increased since the cessation of the plague, but feudal Lords have refused to increase wages amongst the peasantry. The previous administration had pegged wages to pre-plague levels, causing further consternation amongst the serfs; many have been unable to find employment at livable wages.

"We are committed to our cause," says Tyler, "and we intend to fight the Lords of this land until our demands are met."

The meeting at Smithfield with the King is scheduled for early tomorrow. The King's Knights have warned the protesters that they are willing and able to use violence, if necessary

Like a Bridge Over Troubled Water Authority

2011-11-19T11:20:00.000-05:00

And then there's this kerfluffle brewing at PWSA:A year of frustration at the Pittsburgh Water and Sewer Authority boiled over Friday when city Councilman Patrick Dowd called the agency's board "pathetic" and Mayor Luke Ravenstahl's office accused him of grandstanding.

The PWSA's top management job has been vacant since December, when executive director Michael Kenney resigned amid questions about his ties to a vendor.

Mr. Dowd, one of six board members, says the management void has existed far too long. He became angry Friday when fellow director Scott Kunka suggested postponing the search for a management company that could oversee operations on at least a temporary basis...

Asserting that the board's main roles are to hire top management, make policy and hold managers accountable, Mr. Dowd said, "we have failed in each of those categories, and our failure is pathetic, and it is enormous."

The comments brought rebukes from Mr. Kunka, who is also Mr. Ravenstahl's finance director, and state Rep. Dan Deasy, D-Westwood, the board chairman.
According to my contacts over at PWSA, Mr. Dowd's comments need to be submitted to staff in writing within 5 days so that they can be reviewed for 30 days for comments by PWSA consultants, at which time Mr. Dowd will need to resubmit his motion with the necessary changes for a second review. After the re-resubmital, PWSA staff will re-review for 60 days and ask for additional corrections that they forgot to mention the first time. After the third review, PWSA staff will call a meeting with Mr. Dowd asking what this submital is and why they haven't seen it before, reminding him that they need at least 30 days notice before they can approve any submital. Mr. Dowd will then protest that he's already submitted the comments to PWSA three times at this point and that they are perfectly aware of them. PWSA staff will deny all knowledge of this and make Mr. Dowd submit for a fourth time, which they will lose under a stack of paperwork until it decomposes and is used in a onsite water retention system that PWSA doesn't let you build anyway. By now, everyone involved will have retired and the point will be moot.

Fortunately for Mr. Dowd, this is the PWSA "fast-track". The normal process involves a fight to the death with spears and pipes.

Pittsburgh controller expects more from building inspectors

2011-11-17T18:17:00.000-05:00

From the Tribune-Review:

Pittsburgh's Bureau of Building Inspection has made strides since a 2008 audit lambasted the department for failing to respond to complaints in a timely manner, City Controller Michael Lamb said today.

But a lack of new hires and the slow adoption of a new computer system has caused complaints and permit requests to back up, he said.

"Given the resources, they have been making decent progress," Lamb said upon releasing the results of his office's 2011 performance audit on the department. "But I thought they'd be a lot further along than they are."

John Jennings, acting chief of the department, did not object to the findings...

Whoa! Wait a second! Back the fu' kup!

"Acting" Chief of Building Inspection? Wait, that can't be right... Let's see... there was Ron Graziani (fired 2007), then Dan Cipriani (resigned 2008), then Sergei Matveiev (resigned 2009)... so, yeah, I guess it sounds like we've been without a Chief of Building Inspection for almost a year now.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't there some sort of deadline to fill these types of city jobs permanently?

Hell, sounds like BBI's been going through more Directors than Darrens on Bewitched.

ADB's Theatre Critic Corner

2011-11-15T20:05:00.003-05:00

In 1980, Alain Boubil and Jean-Marc Natel released a concept album about the travails of prostitutes, workers, and students, which was universally panned by the French theater critics. Re-released, revamped, and retranslated into English sometime later, that same musical, Les Miserables, has gone on play for over 10,000 performances and win multiple Tony awards. A new, stripped down, off Broadway version has been playing for the last several weeks, bringing a new interpretation to the classical musical.

The story is familiar to any follower of musical theater: Jean Valjean, recently freed from prison for stealing a loaf of bread, tries to redeem himself, while being endlessly pursued by the ruthless Inspector Javert. On the way, Valjean saves a destitute woman's daughter and gets wrapped up in a Paris student Revolution. In this new version, however, most of this story has been cast off in favor of focusing solely on a modern retelling of the student rebellion part. It is a bold attempt at reframing the plot of the musical away from Jean Valjean and towards the everyday people building the barricades of Paris.

The Director, who's name escapes me, has managed to cobble together a lavish al fresco set along with a cast of hundreds. Where one would have expected to see an impressive rotating set, the director has, instead, chosen to immerse the viewer with in the action itself. This is not "theater in the round," rather, it is "theater around you."

Costumes are set in the modern period, with students, workers, and military all thoroughly represented. If anything, the attention to detail is a little too good: the actors themselves have a overpowering odor which is jarring, but fits within the context of the narrative.

The music too has been stripped down to it's barest roots; where one may have expect to hear such rousing songs as "One Day More," instead one hears incessant drumming, a clever play on the tension between the battle that is about to break out and the creative forces of the performers.

If there is a major flaw with the performance it is this: the director chose to drag out the activity before the storming of the barricade for far too long (several weeks too long, in this critic's opinion). The result is a bit of an anti-climax, although several people have assured me that the final scene will come as an utter surprise.

For all of its flaws, however, this version of the performance has already begun touring to excited audiences. The performance in Oakland CA was met with standing room only, shouting crowds so large that the police had to be called in to disburse the frenzied mob.

In all, it is an excellent performance, even if the director's message isn't very clear. I expect it to join the ranks of musicals like Rent, showing the gritty underbelly of New York from the safety of our theater seats.

(Terry Teachout is the Wall Street Journal's Theater Critic)

Budget Battle Book

2011-11-14T19:00:00.001-05:00

If you were forced against your will to City Council chambers today*, you will have heard the mayor's annual budget address. As always, the Mayor promised to invest more capital dollars into the various Pittsburgh neighborhoods, which has become sort of an annual right of fall to be forgotten about by the Spring... sort of like NBC's primetime lineup.

If I recall correctly, there was a significant amount of money set aside in the previous year's budget for capital improvements, all of which eventually failed to materialize. The Mayor's Office said they really needed that money for some really important stuff, while Council sat around in stunned silence like it was left with the bill at a fancy restaurant. In any case, the Mayor totally promises this time to divvy out the money to the neighborhoods and pinky swears that he has no current plants to yank the money at the last minute again.

And you wonder why the last three Mayors have campaigned on a platform to "invest more in the neighborhoods."

Anyway, there's a couple of more line items in the budget that people are glossing over, but are important to note:

* Removing the Doug Shields smell from Council Chambers - $5,000
* Lottery tickets - $10,000
* Inflatable bouncy castle - $4,000
* Three threatening looking guys with bats to stand outside of the PWSA offices - $15,000
* Hair gel - $7,500
* 311 Staff Person - $0
* Zober Wrangler - $55,000
* Three even more threatening looking guys with bats to stand outside of the Parking Authority offices - $40,000
* Ick-Ray Itzgerald-Fay Estruction-Day Und-Fay - $100,000
* Walrus Repair (Northside) - $33,000
* Pothole Repair - $7.34
* Mt. Washington Based Space Laser - $200,000,000
* Levitating Tables - $5,000
* New old funk smell for Department of Finance's Office - $15,000
* Cello - $300

Once again, the West End gets totally stiffed for much needed Walrus repair. Typical.

No word on when the Council President will issue her shadow budget for the Northside.

---
*Don't laugh. It's happened to me before.

David L. Lawrence Convention Center destroys jobs

2011-11-13T22:42:00.007-05:00

When the David L. Lawrence convention center opened in 2003 as the world's largest "green building" it was hailed for it's energy operations, waste reduction, and sustainable operations.

Yesterday, however, the Center for American Energy Independance released a study showing that because of the "eco-friendly" nature of the convention center, hundreds of thousands of jobs in the region have been lost.

"This convention center consisistently uses less energy than buildings twice it's size," says CAEI CEO Tucker F. Borstal. "Every kilowatt hour that the convention center saves is a job removing the top of a mountain in West Virginia that is lost. Every ton of trash that is diverted from the waste stream is a landfill operator diverted to the unemployment line."

The study said that creating buildings such as the convention center is bad for the economy, because it does stuff that doesn't make other people as much money now. It cited a further study that showed a correlation between the drop in energy usage to a drop in CEO Stock option payments.

A spokesman for natural gas fracking conglomerate Range Resourses said that the presence of the convention center is just "proof that Pittsburgh government is unfriendly to mining beneath homes, shooting an undefined liquid into the rock, and leaving any potential mess for future generations to deal with. That kind of thinking is just down right unAmerican."

Supporters of the convention center say that it is a powerful symbol for the next wave of Green Technology, of which the region hopes to be at the forefront. Critics, including ExxonMobile CEO Rex Tillerson, say however, that such a future is a pipe dream.

"I mean, come on! Look at the world! You really think that reducing energy dependencies or making smart decisions for the long term is any way to live?".

The CAEI report will be available for purchase on baby seal skin later this week.

This Post Goes to 11/11/11

2011-11-11T23:11:00.001-05:00

Lest We Forget

2011-11-11T11:00:00.002-05:00

In Flanders fields the poppies blow

Between the crosses, row on row,

That mark our place; and in the sky

The larks, still bravely singing, fly

Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the dead. Short days ago

We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,

Loved, and were loved, and now we lie

In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:

To you from failing hands we throw

The torch; be yours to hold it high.

If ye break faith with us who die

We shall not sleep, though poppies grow

In Flanders fields.

The 800 Pound Nittany Lion In the Room

2011-11-10T21:39:00.010-05:00

So, let me start out by saying that I don't do "serious" very well. I've read through some of my earlier posts and I've found them trying to be stuffy and important (like you do when you're starting out). I can do "funny" or "irreverent" or even "witty" on occasion, but "serious" has always been a stretch for me. But, since there's no real way I can not not talk about it without seeming out of touch, I shall do my best. Please forgive, gentles, if this comes off as crude.

Let's start out with this: one of the few -- very few -- points that all Americans seem to agree on is that child molestation is always wrong.

Abortion: toss up.

Capital punishment: maybe.

Clean & water: perhaps.

Child molestation, however, doesn't get any gray area. While I can't say I've thought about it too deeply, I don't think anyone could really come up with a mitigating circumstance that defends child molestation. In fact, I would say that the only gray area we seem to tolerate is whether child molesters should be locked up indefinitely or whether they should be chemically castrated.

We're pretty solid on this particular point.

Now, we get to Joe Paterno.

If you've read the Grand Jury report, you'll know that Joe had second hand knowledge of an incident involving Sandusky in which Sandusky, I believe the description is, "anally raped an 11 year old in the shower". That's a pretty damning charge. Elsewhere in the complaint, there's talk of inappropriate "hugging" and "wrestling", which one could rationalize as being perfectly innocent. I would argue that "anal rape" is probably not perfectly innocent.

(Wait. Why am I qualifying that with "probably"? There's no probably about it!)

Now, Joe did report the matter to his boss, which is what he was supposed to do, per school policy. What he didn't do, however, was pass this information onto the cops. Did he do right by the school? Yeah, probably. Did he do what was ethically or morally right? No. No. A thousand times no.

One could ask, however, that without the benefit of hindsight if we were in a position like Joe's, would we know the right thing to do?

The answer of course is, "What? Are you f*cking crazy? You've just been told that a coach anally raped an eleven year old boy? Yes, you go to the f*cking police, you a-hole!"

Now, personally, I don't understand the deification of JoPa. Perhaps it's because I didn't go to Penn State; perhaps it's because the smarter half of my family went to Pitt. So, you'll understand that I don't understand why the students at Penn State would riot in support of him. I'm just assuming that Penn State students would riot over anything, in much the same was as any WVU student sees any couch as tinder.

Should Joe have been fired? Yeah, he should.

Is he taking an unreasonable amount of the blame for this? Probably; if you read the Grand Jury report, you see a string of missed opportunities and people ignoring what should have been an obvious to spot crime.

Should other people also be charged as complicit in a cover up? I think we're going to find out that answer really damned soon.

So in summary: child molestation is bad (and I feel awkward for feeling like I even have to write that).

Election Night Special

2011-11-08T21:22:00.000-05:00

A change of pace from our traditional election night video...

Get Aht 'n Vote

2011-11-08T07:37:00.000-05:00

...dammit!

Think of it as practice for American Idol.

More Proof the Real Estate Market is F@(&ed Up

2011-11-07T22:32:00.001-05:00

Just when I thought I wasn't going to have anything to write about tonight that didn't have to do with "improprieties" at Penn State* there's this:The city Urban Redevelopment Authority board will vote Thursday on a recommendation to enter into exclusive negotiations with PMC Property Group for the acquisition and redevelopment of the John P. Robin Civic Building at 200 Ross St.

PMC is proposing to convert the building, which houses City of Pittsburgh, URA, and city housing authority offices, into 100 residential units plus possible first-floor commercial space. It is offering $1 million for the building.
I've been in that building once or twice in my local government career and I can say without fear of contradiction that it is the third or fourth worst government building in the City. I can only assume that PMC is shorting asbestos in an attempt to corner the Mesothelioma market.

---
*There was no way I was going to be able to make that funny.

2010 Endorsements

2011-11-06T20:56:00.009-05:00

Long time readers of this blog (both of you) will, of course remember that I refuse to directly endorse candidates for any particular office. Partially, this is to avoid the appearance of any impropriaty, but mostly it's because I've become so cynical that I see all politicians as lying bags of crap. That being said, you have to vote for someone on election day.

Of course, that doesn't mean you have to vote for anyone that's technically on the ballot. You can always annoy the poll workers and write someone in. So, if you feel cynical like me and want to amuse yourself, here are some names you should consider writing in:

(1) Barack Obama - OK, sure, he's probably not going to give up his current job for, say, district magistrate, but you never know. I think I would rather deal with building code violators than leading the free world, but that's me. Plus, Mr. Obama has the advantage of not being mistaken for some other "Barack Obama".

(2) Dan Onorato - Dan's not standing for election this time around. That's probably good for him, but I don't think he's been properly punished for being so mediocre a county executive. Write him in for school board if you think he should suffer a bit.

(3) Doug Shields - Doug lost a bit for district magistrate earlier this year. Probably for the best; Doug's not really -- let's say "qualified" -- to be a judge. That being said, Doug will now be left to his own devices and will probably be living on the street within a matter of weeks yelling incessantly at people. He needs the work, people.

(4) Mickey Mouse - Classic write in candidate, marred only by his previous association with the John Birch society.

(5) Tasty Cakes - Nobody bakes a cake as tasty as Tasty Cake. (Editor's Note - I think those radio commercials are getting to you.)

(6) Salvador Dali - He's dead, but that's never stopped him before. He'd make a good County Treasurer.

(7) Richard Mellon Scaife - Also technically not alive, but if you're going to vote for a lying sack of crap, you might as well vote for a professional.

A Brief Aside

2011-11-03T23:19:00.000-04:00

I was busy all night making a fennel and onion tomato sauce* so I didn't have time to write anything of substance. Plus, I finished off a bottle of Shiraz by myself, so I'm roughly as competent as any random State legislator at this point.** So, for the next thirty seconds or so I'm going to type strange words just to fill up space.

Bingle bongle dingle dangle lickey-doo lickey-da ping pong lippy-tappy too tah.

And Number 23: I don't want to eat a pear.

And that fulfills our blogging quota for the day.

Goodnight.

---
*Oooh. Look 'e's multi-dimensional! Fancy that!
**If that doesn't scare the willies out of you, nothing does.

MASS CHAOS AT OCCUPY PITTSBURGH PROTEST did not happen.

2011-11-02T22:09:00.001-04:00

Several hundred members of Occupy Pittsburgh, who may or may not have been communist fascist Muslims according to unnammed sources, and their supporters (who potentially could have been draft dodging unwashed america hating hippies) marched through the streets of Oakland tonight without BURNING DOWN PRIVATE BUSINESSES AND GOVERNMENT BUILDINGS.

There were no arrests and no reports of damage by protestors (as far as anyone is willing to admit, given the pressure that the OBAMA administration has sought to support these protests), who marched in the streets surrounding the University of Pittsburgh campus, according to Pittsburgh police Cmdr. George (who may or may not be covering for nefarious ONE WORLD GOVERNMENT OVERLORDS).

Elizabeth C. Pittinger, executive director of the Pittsburgh Citizen Police Review Board, monitored the protest and said police exhibited "extraordinary patience and restraint." And as far as we no there were no MASS RAPES OF INNOCENT COLLEGE STUDENTS.

Pittinger said marchers, who did not have a permit and did not CAUSE MASS CHAOS IN THE STREETS OF OAKLAND, spilled into the streets and obstructed traffic for a short time before heeding orders from police to keep to the sidewalks AND STOP HATING AMERICA.

The Pittsburgh Tribune-Review contributed to this report.

Worldwide Bullshit Markets Crash

2011-11-01T23:18:00.000-04:00

(Bloomberg) New York City - Bullshit shares plummeted again today on the New York Shit Exchange, as nervous investors faced the possibility of a glut of Bullshit on the world markets.

Bullshit ended today's session at $10/Barnum, a record low for the commodity, which has been fallen steadily since September 2001.

"People are tired of Bullshit," says Bullshit trader Hans Delbrig. "We've seen a general rise in the availability of domestic Bullshit, which has served to depress prices, which in turn causes more Bullshit traders to dump more of it into the world market. The availability of cheap Chinese Bullshit only serves to depress the markets further. And now we have this Greek Bullshit to deal with."

This morning, the European Central Bullshit Bank dumped 1,000,000 Barnums of Bullshit into the world Bullshit supply, in hopes of driving down the cost of the Bullshit it will take to resolve the Greek Bullshit crisis.

Among the major purchasers of Bullshit is Newscorp, who refines and packages Bullshit for domestic consumption. Newscorp, however, has hedged their bets by also investing heavily in the cheaper, and more widely available, Horseshit.

American Bullshit centers (New York, Washington, and Los Angeles) remain strong, but small, local Bullshit producers have been hurting.

Joe Anderson, a part time High School Football Referee says that he used to be able to produce a Barnum of Bullshit in a year.

"Parents always said to me 'That's real Bullshit Ref!' and I was proud of my work. Now, I can barely make it."

It is hoped that Congress will deal with this issue after the November elections with another Bullshit bailout plan.

Halloween Public Service Announcement

2011-10-31T21:45:00.002-04:00

I've been asked to relay this message: Despite the cobwebs, dark passages, torture devices on display, screams of terror, and general paranormal activity, the County Office Building is *not* a haunted house. If anyone comes at you with an axe or knife, they are dangerous. If you see what appears to be the minions of the undead, these are just County Elections Staff.
Thank you.

A Halloween Horror Story

2011-10-31T18:02:00.000-04:00

I have a friend named Bill. Bill used to work for the City, 35+ years in the City Real Estate Department. He loved it there. His job was to go through all the deeds for upcoming treasurer's sales and city property acquisitions, review the deeds to make sure that the titles were OK, and pass off the information to the legal department. A lot of people thought this was boring work, but Bill enjoyed it up until his sudden retirement earlier this summer.

The retirement was unusual. For people that have worked for the City as long as he did, there's usually a bit more warning (at least enough to get some cake and balloons together). Bill, however, came in on Wednesday morning, submitted his notice to his boss, and was gone by noon. Nobody knew what had happened and he wouldn't respond to phone calls or emails to his home.

Bill lives close by my house and I used to see him out and about on sunny weekends, but since he left the City, his curtains have been shut and his lights have been turned off. His neighbors said that, yes, he's still up and around, but that he doesn't say much anymore and he mostly only leaves the house for groceries. Recently, I happened to be walking by his house, when I noticed Bill coming outside to get his mail.

"Bill," I shouted to him, "What's going on?"

"Shape without form! Shade without color," Bill shouted back, and quickly ran back into his house.

I followed him up to his door, rang the bell a couple of times, but to no avail. As I turned to leave, I heard something slide out from under his door. It was a note from Bill. All it said was "Ed will explain."

I assumed that Bill meant his former coworker Ed, who had also worked for the City for at least as long as Bill. They were terrific friends because they had to work so closely together: Bill did all the back office paperwork for City properties, while Ed actually visited the properties to make sure that they weren't unsafe.

I called up Ed.

"Hey, Ed!"

"Hey, what do you need?" (Ed is a very get-to-the-point kind of guy.)

"What do you know about Bill leaving?"

"Nothing."

"He said 'Shape without form! Shade without color' and left me this note saying you'd explain what happened."

There was silence on the end of the phone.

"I-I-I don't know anything," he finally stammered back and hung up the phone.

About five minutes later, I received an email from Ed saying "10 minutes; my office."

I rushed down to his office. Ed was there looking very nervous. His eye was twitching almost imperceptibly and I could tell that he was trying very hard not to shake. He offered me a seat and started telling me the story:

Apparently, the City had recently put a slew of properties into a Treasurer's sale. It was Bill's job to review the old deeds to make sure there weren't any surprise easements, covenants, or other restrictions that the courts would have to remove. Usually these things are pretty dry, akin to reading boilerplate for a living, but something this time caught Bill's attention. Amidst the boring recitals, there was a paragraph in one of the deeds that read "Subject to all easements and servitudes apparent from inspection of premises as noted in previous deeds of record. THE DARKNESS IS HERE."

Bill was taken aback a bit. "THE DARKNESS IS HERE" was definitely out of place in this or any other deed.

He decided to pull up the previous deed, just to confirm that this was some para-legal playing a joke on an under-observant lawyer. The previous deed had a similar paragraph: "Subject to all easements and servitudes apparent from inspection of premises as noted in previous deeds of record. FOR THINE IS THE KINGDOM."

Bill is slightly nervous at this point, partially because the wording of the deed had changed (which can be a bureaucratic nightmare to straighten out) but mostly because this was getting slightly creepy.

He pulls up the prior deed and the deed before that and the deed before that. All of them have the same basic "Subject to..." and then another, seemingly random disturbing phrase. He finally gets back to a deed without the line in it, dating all the way back to 1925, and begins to piece them together. The phrases, when put in chronological order, formed a fairly disturbing poem:

SHAPE WITHOUT FORM. SHADE WITHOUT COLOR.
WAKING ALONE
TREMBLING WITH TENDERNESS.
THE SUPPLICATION OF A DEAD MAN'S HAND.
FOR THINE IS THE KINGDOM.
THE DARKNESS IS HERE.

Now, Bill gets a little nervous about all this and decides to start looking at the deeds a bit closer. Turns out, the property has been owned by a particular family, the Eliots, since around the turn of the century. The property is always passed by deed (as opposed to by inheritance) to another member of the family prior to the death of previous owner. The last owner, a Theadora Smith (nee Eliot) died recently at the age of 78 and, without an heir or a will, left the property to be scooped up by the tax collectors.

Interestingly enough, the owner at the time the "first" deed was written was a Thomas Eliot, who was a suspect in a series of missing persons cases in the 1910s. Apparently, several of Mr. Eliot's romantic companions were spotted in his company and thence never again. Many people in the neighborhood gossiped that Eliot had killed them and hidden the bodies. The police, however, could never pin any of the disappearances on him and when he died in 1926, passing the property off to his nephew Timothy, the matter was dropped. Bill had found in old copies of the newspaper, however, that for many, many years later, neighbors had complained about "a foul odor" coming from the house which would appear suddenly and vanish just as quickly.

At this point, Bill is really nervous. He calls up Ed and says that they need to inspect the property personally.

They get in a city municipal vehicle and drive to the building: an old row house in Lawrenceville, partially falling down. They break out their flashlights, remove the plywood from the door, and go inside. The interior is a wreck and smells old and rotten, which is normal for a house that's been vacant for so long. The light between the boarded up windows is just enough that they can make out the interior. They move slowly from room to room looking for anything particularly suspicious, but it all seems fairly normal.

They go into the basement. The stairs are old and creak under the heavy weight of two full grown men. To pierce the darkness, they turn on their flashlights. The basement is cold and dank, but fairly typical of Pittsburgh basements.

"That's not right," said Ed suddenly.

"What?"

"The wall over there," said Ed. "It doesn't make any sense. That's not the foundation of the house."

Bill moved closer to the wall to inspect. Sure enough: it was plaster, not stone. He tapped on it with his flashlight. In an instant, all the rotted plaster on the wall collapsed, revealing a secret back basement.

Not so much of a basement, really; it was more of a slaughterhouse. Strewn about were the various implements to remove flesh from victims, pots to boil their skin, and pikes to roast them over open flames. Everywhere was evidence that this room had been used to torture and destroy unwitting neighbors who had fallen into a trap, only to be consumed by generations and generations of Eliots.

And in the center of the room the ultimate horror: propped up in a chair, was a partially devoured figure holding a placard which read the final line of the terrible poem that had brought them here:

"MICHELLE BACHMANN FOR PRESIDENT".

Bill quit his job in terror the next day.

No se hable anglais ici.

2011-10-30T22:24:00.000-04:00

If you picked up the Pittsburgh city paper last week you read about two bills in the state legislature mandating English as the official language of the commonwealth.

House bills 361 and 888 would make English the official language for all Commonwealth business. In the case of 888, proposed by Rep. Scott Perry (R-Cumberland), it would extend that mandate to the state's political subdivisions, like municipalities. And both bills would mean no longer printing materials -- like the kind found at the DMV -- in languages other than English.

Of course, when this kind of silliness comes up amongst the more xenophobic amongst us who offer solutions in search of problems, it is fun to remember the mongrel nature of the English language. It's a bit German, a bit Nordic, a bit Latin, a bit French, and a handful of other languages to fill in the gaps that we didn't have words for. As the old saying goes, English does not borrow from other languages, it follows them down dark alleys, mugs them, and rifles through their pockets for loose grammar.

We've spent at least the last thousand years, honing our language to be as clear as mud and slippery as a ghoti. It's a mess. Ever day we violate our rules of grammar, create new words, and generally work our language like a rented mule in order to kinda, sorta, make ourselves understood, maybe.

That's even setting aside the confusion of major national variations (American, British, Austrailian, South African, Indian Englishes) and the sub national dialects that make Bostonians and New Yorkers so damned difficult to understand. So somehow, I don't think the folks in Harrisburg are really in the position to be arbiters of "official English"... That would make them, you know, French.

But, here's my solution: instead of "Spanish", speakers should should start referring it as "English 2". "English" is still the official state language, and people can still say what ever they damn well feel like. Boom! Problem, solved.

Or "No problemo" as the English 2 speakers say.

Region Loses Its Collective Shit Over Early Snow

2011-10-30T00:14:00.001-04:00

The Pittsburgh Region lost its collective Shit yesterday because of an earlier than normal snowfall.

"We are all going to die!" shouted one relatively calm woman who broke into KDKA-TV's downtown studios for the sole purpose of attacking meterologist Dennis Bowman. Others, who were not as calm, resorted to self-immolation or canabalism as almost an eighth of an inch of snow blanketed the ground.

Eyewitnesess at the Camp Horne Road Giant Eagle report several fights over the remaining cans of French Cut Beans, carts filled with milk, eggs, and toilet paper, and at least one knife fight over the free samples of shrimp cocktail.

"I need fried onions," said one customer in an interview. "We might be stuck until Spring and I may want to make casserole at some point."

Former Anthropogenic Climate Change skeptics attacked and slaughtered visiting representatives from the Competitive Enterprise Institute (a Global Climate Change Denying organization) in an apparent sacrifice to appease, what they termed, an angry, angry God. Chants of "How's that Global Warming for ya?" echoed throughout Downtown as the Body of CEI Director Myron Ebell was ritualistically burned.

Reports have also come in from across the region of literally thousands of motorists that have apparently forgotten how to drive their cars.

Pittsburgh occasionally loses its collective shit during major winter storms, but this marks the first time since 1993 when the city has lost its shit during the month of October.

The National Weather Service predicts that the Region should lose its shit at least twice more this season, depending on when salt supplies run out.

UPMC to Create "Death Star" In Bloomfield

2011-10-28T23:26:00.000-04:00

UPMC announced plans Thursday to create a $294 million research facility that officials for the health system say will focus on personalized medicine, the biology of cancer and aging, and crushing Highmark Blue Cross/Blue Shield.

The UPMC DEpartment of Aging, Therapy, Holistic medicine, SiTe for Advanced Research (DEATH STAR), scheduled for completion in late 2014, is expected to create 375 new scientific and administrative jobs, including several thousand construction contractors. The project will include a $3 million renovation of the old Ford Motor Co. building on Baum Boulevard on the Bloomfield-Shadyside border and a laser gun capable of destroying a planet.

Chief Financial Officer Robert A. DeMotti said in a press statement "This facility will be the ultimate power in the universe."

In leaked emails, however, Executive Vice President Jeff Vader told DeMotti "Don't be too proud of this technological terror you've constructed. The ability to destroy a competitor is insignificant next to the power of forcing our customers to use our providers." Vader also raised concerns that if Highmark obtained a complete report about the center, it is possible, however unlikely, that they might find a weakness and exploit it in a lawsuit, supporting their claim that UPMC has a de facto monopoly in the region's health care, adding that he found DeMotti's lack of corporate governance "disturbing".

CEO Jeffrey A. Palpatine has been in Harrisburg this week, working to dissolve the State Senate bill 203 permanently, which would sweep away the last remnants of the old state health care system, giving the Governor direct control.

Both Palpatine and Vader have been criticized by public policy advocates for their dark sided approach to the massive non-profit, which began as an outgrowth over a battle to producing similar populations of genetically identical individuals in laboratory conditions at the University of Pittsburgh. Since then, UPMC has grown to encompass a large section of Oakland and the Outer Rim Territories.

The "Death Star", when fully armed and operational, will probably be used to acquire or destroy other hospitals that are part of the rebellious West Penn Allegheny Health System.

Many Bothans died to bring us this information.

OWs! It hurts!

2011-10-27T20:38:00.001-04:00

Since I was away, it seems like there have been several major Cities across this Great Land of Ours infected with these dirty Hippies calling themselves "Occupy Wall Street," who are obviously seditious traitors to this Country advocating the overthrow of our Capitalist Government and its replacement by, what I can only assume would be some sort of naked Kenyan-Muslim-Fascist Flag Burning Ceremony. At least that's what I assume they're after; for all I know it could be worse.

I mean, do these protestors not realize that in 1989, Ronald Reagan himself Singled handedly defeated Communism, tearing down the Berlin Wall, and converted the entire Soviet Union to Christianity so that we could live in a world where men would not be judged by the content of their character, but by the cash in their wallets? These OWS folks are espousing a failed doctrine that states that the labor of the working class is exploited by Capitalists. They seem to think that somehow the workers of the world must unite and cast off their right to work two jobs at 60 hours a week with no health care. That's just insanity.

Are these people really under the delusion, that the standard of living for the 99% of Americans has stagnated, while the top 1% has grown? Come on: we all have iPhones, Cable TV, and Refrigerators; that's more than most average citizens in most countries get. I am informed that the people of Canada, a heathen country if there ever was one, are forced to eat a mixture of potatoes, gravy, and cheese and speak French.

French! What kind of Anti-American bullshit is that?

And of course, we have the Pope coming in now, pushing his Papist agenda on the world economy. What kind of "Christian" really believe in the end of Laissez-Faire Capitalism or that Governments shouldn't be promoting the good of a few select individuals at the expense of the rest? Show me where in the Bible Jesus says *anything* about "economic justice". Oh, I found in: it's in the Book of "Not In There" chp. 4 v. 7-Nowhere.

Everyone knows, and Rick Santorum and Bill Donahoe can back me up on this, is that the New Testament is all about stopping abortion, fighting terrorism, and keeping those homo-queers from having butt sex. Right after He turned those loaves into fishes, Jesus said on the mount, "God helps those who help themselves". He didn't say anything about "The Poor" or "The Hungry" or "The Persecuted"... I mean, what do you expect Him to give them? The Kingdom of Heaven? That would be Socialism of the worst kind.

But of course, this pronouncement from a minor Curia of the Vatican is just the kind of communist tripe one would expect from a former member of the Hitler youth.

The Vatican is obviously oblivious to the fact that a full 47% of people in this country don't pay taxes, because they have the audacity to not earn enough money. Meanwhile, there they are sucking up services like food stamps or public housing or prison, while the rest of actually work for a living, refusing government services like interstate highways, police protection, or food safety inspections.

So, I say: OWS go home! Your kind isn't welcome while a new episode of Jersey Shore is on.

Rick Perry Won't Stop Singing Karaoke

2011-10-26T19:33:00.000-04:00

(Reuters) Austin, TX - Governor and Republican Presidential candidate Rick Perry will not stop singing karaoke at Jim's Bar & Grill, according to local sources, despite numerous requests by the DJ to stop.

"The Governor comes in here every Thursday and literally takes over the microphone," said bar owner Duke "Duke" Dukenson. "We've asked him to find another bar or change up his repertoire, but honestly he's so bad that he's driving away other customers."

According to an aide who wished to remain anonymous, the Governor became interested in karaoke after he saw Mitt Romney perform at a fundraiser in Aimes, IA in the spring.

"The Governor saw Mitt (Romney) perform and said to us, 'Hey, I could do that.' And what were we going to tell him? No, you can't carry a tune in a bucket and you regularly forget the words to the songs. Nope, we invested in earplugs and signed him up for karaoke."

Governor Perry has performed his rendition of the Bee Gee's classic "Stayin' Alive" before packed, if hesitant, crowds in Austin. Numerous patrons have chosen to avail themselves of the facilities instead of listening. Undaunted, Perry performed a medley of "God Bless the U-S-A" and "Muskrat Love", which confused the audience further.

The reviews were not great.

"He's just, well, not that great," said a patron to Jim's Bar & Grill. "I mean, I kinda expected that the Governor of Texas wouldn't look like such an amateur on the stage, but he's kind of out of tune with the other songs. On the plus side, he's not that much worse than the other singers."

Herman Cain later performed his version of "Suite: Judy Blue Eyes" which left the crowd wanting less.

Governor Perry's team insists that he doesn't have to be good, just be a better singer than all the others.

More as this story develops.

We Can't Stop Here! This is Tax Country!

2011-10-26T19:15:00.000-04:00

There are times where I'm just so angry, I need to create new words to truly express how kardsadically pissed off I truly am about stupid sheissm. Case in point:

Under Mr. Peduto's bill, commercial and industrial developers would receive 10 years of tax breaks, with no cap on annual savings. Developers would get a 100 percent tax break for the first two years. After that, the tax break would decline by 10 percent every two years, concluding with a 60 percent tax break in years nine and 10.

Gee und da miff spleeb! Pliffoo blaboo!

Sorry, I'll watch my language.

Those of you that are still reading this blog will know that I have a peculiar bugbear when it comes to real estate taxes in the City of Pittsburgh. I won't go back over it here, except to say that the elimination of the land/building property tax split is one of the dumbest things that City Council ever did, including Jim Motznik.

Basically, Peduto's plan provides an abatement to real estate property improvements up to a certain amount.

Fine, except that (1) it will probably accidentally include a bunch of projects on which the City will end up losing tax revenue (e.g. the next phase of Bakery Square), (3) the tax benefits of such a program are so minor that most of the deals that get them are going to happen anyway and not because of the abatement, and (3) this solves a problem brought about by eliminating the land/building split in the first damn place.

It's almost a Rube Goldberg public policy device for solving a particularly simple matter of taxes.

Gerflump!

Oh no! Not again!

2011-10-24T20:20:00.000-04:00

Terrific. Now National Geographic is jumping on the "Ain't Pittsburgh Grand?" bandwagon. As if we didn't have enough of these international yahoos interrupting our fair city during the G-20, now we're going to have Jane Goodall wannabes traipsing through Beechview, trying to "live amongst the yinzers".

This distinction now puts us up with such destination as cosmopolitain London, rugged Iceland, and whatever the fuck Oman is. I mean, OK, if your choice is between a vacation in Pittsburgh and Muskoka, Ontario, I can see why you'd pick a place that doesn't reek of Canadians.

Of course, what this means is that now we're going to have to set up Pittsburgh wildlife preserves to protect our native species (the white tailed deer, the pigeon, and the Onorato) so that foreign tourists don't mess up their natural habitat (Homewood Cemetery, Mellon Plaza, and Saw Mill Run, respectively). And now there's going to be "Authentic Pittsburgh Experience" survival tours, which, consists of getting lost in the South Hills for five hours and then stuck in the Ft. Pitt Tunnel traffic for another two.

I suppose we all need to get crackin' on our native dress and native dance for when the bus loads of Japanese tourists show up to take a picture.

And now a moment of Limerick

2011-10-23T23:38:00.000-04:00

There once was a candidate Paul,
Whose White House ambitions were tall.
With ideas contrarian
And a bit Libertarian
...
I don't remember the rest but that dude is, like, offering poor answers the modern problems of United States governance.

The Road Goes Ever On and On

2011-10-22T21:29:00.000-04:00

If you were chained up in Joe Grata's basement this week, you probably saw this story coming out of Harrisburg:

Gov. Tom Corbett signaled that a new transportation funding bill is not a top priority for his administration this year and questioned the effect of proposed new fees on the state's brittle economy.

In remarks after a speech to the national Waterways Symposium Downtown, Mr. Corbett said he would "take a look" at any transportation bills proposed this year but that they would battle for attention with measures on school vouchers and Marcellus Shale regulations. He said transportation might have to take a back seat, especially because the Legislature's current session is only half finished...

Repeated studies show the state's transportation infrastructure to be in worsening condition, too: It has 8,000 miles of poor roads, 5,000 structurally deficient bridges, 650 weight-restricted spans and another 50 that have closed. Leaders of the Port Authority also have warned of a "death spiral" of continuing service cuts, fare increases and layoffs if there is no state action.

Mr. Corbett said he was aware of the transit concerns affecting the greater Pittsburgh and Philadelphia regions -- as well as other parts of the state -- but wanted to fully study long-term funding of the transit systems and other infrastructure needs."

That all makes sense, of course, I mean when you're in the midst of an economic downturn, why should you spend more on services that people aren't going to use because they're in the middle of an economic downturn? I mean, it would be like a child's parents investing in his/her education when they are poor! What good will any personal improvement do, if you're already shit out of luck? That doesn't make any sense, now does it?

Moreover, why should we be investing in roads and bridges and mass transportation anyway? It's not like there are any goods that we're transporting and there aren't jobs for people to get to. Unemployed people don't need to take a bus from their bed to their couch. If anything, we should be reducing our level of service to match what the market says we need.

And moreover moreover, it's not like Corbett is a big ol' dummy. He knows that if he lets the Demmycrats in the State Legislature pass any sort of bill in the next year and the economy happens to pick up, people are going to get the stupid idea that it was the left-liberals in Harrisburg who caused a recovery, not their God fearing Governor. Even worse, they might actually go out and vote for more of those yahoos! That would be awful.

No, the Governor is right on; we need a Marcellus Shale based economic policy, one that will provide jobs right now in the energy industry, as well as future jobs in the soon to be fast growing environmental reclamation, cancer research, and hazardous material disposal industries.

It only makes sense, especially if you don't really think about it too hard.

Rule #36

2011-10-21T19:14:00.000-04:00

It always comes back when you least expect it.

Protesters Flood Magic Kingdom

2011-02-20T20:30:00.000-05:00

Reuters (Orlando FL) - Thousands of citizens of the Magic Kingdom again assembled around Cinderella's Castle today demanding more freedoms from their autocratic overlord Robert Iger.

"We are here to demand basic freedoms," said protester Jack Fitzgerald who plays character Donald Duck, "The freedom to wear beards, the freedom to take off our costumes if we have to vomit, and the freedom to punch middle aged tourists that get a little too handsy."

Protesters have assembled daily at the castle for the last two weeks, following the death of an employee who was beaten to death on Space Mountain.

Mr. Iger has apparently holed up inside Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, refusing to come out, although he has sent out hundreds of Mousekateers armed with clubs and rifles to stifle the protests. Despite the vicious onslaught, however, the protesters have held firm and have maintained control of Main Street USA.

Representatives of Universal Studios Orlando have called for an immediate end to the violence and a three day weekday special.

Protesters have refused to move from Main Street USA until Mr. Iger steps down in favor of the frozen head of Walt Disney.

More on this story as it develops.

...I hope you know who you are...

2011-01-26T20:35:00.000-05:00

From the PG.

Police found veteran radio talk host Doug Hoerth dead in his Bellevue home Tuesday night.

Mr. Hoerth, 66, was a well known and popular talk host in the Pittsburgh market. He had shows on the former WTAE-AM and WPTT-AM.

There was a time once before blogger, twitter, and facebook when, if you wanted to get your crackpot ideas out to the public airways, you had to call in to a local radio talk show. Usually you called in to Doug Hoerth, noon to three on WTAE... that is before they switched to all sports all the time.

The weird thing about local talk radio back then was that it wasn't exclusive to right-wing, uninformed demagogues. For me, it was Lynn Cullen, Doug Hoerth, and Phil Musik from 9-6, which made for a fairly sane and sensible line up. Out of the three of them Doug seemed to get the crazies. I remember the guy who used to go on about how the Bildabergers were running the country and the woman who sang him "I want to die, so I can go to heaven."

Good times. Entertaining radio. Not like today.

I hadn't listened to Uncle Dougie in years since the change in formats (I had heard he was spinning oldies late at night on a station I couldn't receive), but I still to this day refer to my picture as "suitable for framing and/or wrapping fish."

So, in memorium, here's something only he would appreciate:

Henry II Apologizes for "Turbulent Priest" Comments

2011-01-09T19:00:00.004-05:00

Cantebury, England (1171 AD) - King Henry II has formally expressed an apology to the Church and the Lord, Clergy, and Commons of the Realm for his comments which may have indirectly led to the assassination of Thomas Becket, Archbishop of Cantebury.

"It is with great solemnity and sadness that I take responsibility for my words, taken out of context, which spurred four homicidal knights to act for what they believed to be the good of the Country. I deeply regret how my words may have escalated this conflict and I ask that we take this moment to heal the divide that exists here in England."

Archbishop Becket was murdered 9 days ago by Reginald Fitzurse, Hugh de Morville (the Lord of Westmorland), William de Tracy, and Richard le Breton in the Cathedral. A motive has not been fully established, but sources close to the investigation say that the four were radical King's Men. Authorities are still searching for the men.

At an assembly several weeks ago, the King was reported to have said "What miserable drones and traitors have I nurtured and promoted in my household who let their lord be treated with such shameful contempt by a low-born cleric!" Others have reported that he said, "Will no one rid me of this turbulent priest?" Both statements seem to have been directed at the Archbishop and were part of a ratcheting up of hostilities between the two parties.

Some have suggested that the King's statements were interpreted by the four knights to take matters into their own hands, while others suggest that the knights were mentally unbalanced to begin with.

The assassination underscores the bitter divide between the King's Party (which sought greater control of the Church) and the Archbishop's Party (which sought greater clerical independence). Vitriolic rhetoric has emerged from both sides, but mostly from the King who had Archbishop Becket banished to the continent a few years ago. Supporters of the King had also published a well performed minstrel ballad, which outlined rebellious clerics who were to be "eliminated."

While the King's words were evidently heartfelt for his old friend, he took no direct responsibility for the murders. Representatives of the Pope have called for the King to do direct penance and to tone down his hostile rhetoric.

More as this story develops.

Particle Man Eyes Candidacy for County Controller

2011-01-06T18:55:00.001-05:00

Local politician Particle Man said that that he is "actively considering" a run for Allegheny County Controller.

"I am very serious about running for Controller, and doing the things a Controller does," said Particle Man.

Although he has yet to make an announcement himself, it is suspected that Particle Man's political nemesis Triangle Man will also vie for the seat. In previous elections, Triangle Man has beaten Particle Man.

"Nobody knows Particle Man," said Triangle Man in a written statement, "Is he a dot? Is he a speck?"

(Particle Man has replied in the past to such questions, "What am I like? It's not important.")

The winner of this contest will most likely go on to face the Republican nominee either Universe Man or Person Man. Universe Man is a well known powerful man, while Person Man is a local vagrant.

Yarone Zober did not comment on this article.

3...2...1...

2011-01-01T00:00:00.001-05:00

Happy New Year!

NFL to Fine Winter

2010-12-27T23:41:00.001-05:00

Following two separate incidents over the last month, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has announced that the Season of Winter will be fined $25,000 for "unsportsmanlike" conduct.

"This is a serious matter for the League. Seasons cannot behave in a manner that jeopardizes the health and safety of players. We are a serious league. This is a serious matter.

A winter snow storm caused the collapse of the Metrodome on December 12, relocating the Minnesota Vikings to temporary venues and another storm required the delay of the Vikings-Eagles game this weekend. Mr. Goodell's office maintains that such flagrant actions will not stop unless appropriate penalties are meted out.

Critics have recently complained that the NFL has issued fines and suspensions in an inconsistent manner. The most recent fines against a season will probably not do much to quell such critiques.

League officials did not say how, exactly, they were planning on enforcing the fine, although it is expected that they withold the Superbowl from any places within its icy grasp. Some have suggested that either Santa Claus or Jack Frost be fined in Winter's stead; it has been pointed out, however, that these are fictional characters and fining them would be ludicrous.

Mr. Goodell, however, remains firm on his position.

"I'm serious here people. Stop laughing at me!"

Merry Christmas

2010-12-24T23:30:00.002-05:00

Senator Bernie Sanders "Filibusters" Tax Plan

2010-12-10T22:15:00.005-05:00

Faced with increased pressure coming from the President and his Democratic allies in the Senate, Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT) mounted a rare 8 1/2 hour filibuster of a proposed tax package crafted by the White House and Senate Republicans.

He began the marathon speech at 10:25 AM, railing against the proposed tax plan. In short order, however, it became clear as to what his true intent was.

"Now, I had some pretty good coaching last night," said the Senator, "and I find that if I yield only for a question or a point of order or a personal privilege, that I can hold this floor almost until doomsday. In other words, I've got a piece to speak, and blow hot or cold, I'm going to speak it."

Senate Sanders, who was not technically engaging in a filibuster as no legislation was being blocked, spoke for the next eight hours, railing against a plan which extends "unaffordable" Bush era tax cuts for the next two years.

By 7PM, his voice audibly hoarse, the speech reached its climax,

"You think I'm licked. You all think I'm licked. Well, I'm not licked. And I'm going to stay right here and fight for this lost cause. Even if the room gets filled with lies like these, and the FoxNewses and all their armies come marching into this place."

With that, the Senator collapsed in the Senate well.

Amidst the confusion, the Senior Senator from Vermont Joseph Harrison Paine rushed to the floor.

"I'm not fit to be a senator! I'm not fit to live! Expel me!" said Senator Paine, "This tax plan is a fraud! It's a crime against the people who sent me here - and I committed it! Every word that boy said is the truth! Every word about FoxNews and me and graft and the rotten political corruption of my state! Every word of it is true! I'm not fit for office! I'm not fit for any place of honor or trust! Expel me, not that boy!"

More as this story develops.

Pythons Lose to Aardvarks 57-40

2010-12-09T20:59:00.006-05:00

The Pennsylvania Pythons were dealt a serious blow to their playoff hopes today when they lost to the Alabama Aardvarks 57-40. Despite having rung up 17 more points than the Aardvarks, archaic NFL rules stipulate that a winning team must score at least two thirds of the points on the board.

The Pythons were hampered by a fumble by center Jonah Cenim, allowing the Aardvarks to retain possession during a late 4th Quarter drive. Overthrown passes to Wide Receiver Sam Ilurowski and Welsh Tight End Otto Scrwbn also doomed the Pythons.

Despite a late, and some say "unnecessary," field goal by kicker Olli Suscanns, the Pythons saw another defeat in what appears to be a season of defeats for the team.

Many fans considered this a symbolically important game against their long time rivals. Many commentators saw a Python win as "inevitable."

"We went out there and gave it our best," said head coach Ryhard Eri, "if it weren't for these damned rules, we would have won this thing."

Many fan have blamed Eri this season, however, for not running a strong ground game, the historical strength of the Pythons franchise.

The Aardvarks maintained a strong defense throughout the game, barely giving ground despite the overwhelming crowd noise. Throughout the season, the team has shown an astonishing resilience, in the face of an inability to score points, continually lining up on the wrong side of the field, and instances of massive head trauma. Their best success, however, has come as the result of penalty flags based on arcane NFL rules.

The 2/3rds rule dates back to the founding of the AFC in the early part of the century, when the majority of players were acquired from college football teams. Originally, it was considered "ungentlemanly" to win by a close margin, and the 2/3rds rule was established to ensure that teams would be evenly matched and that individual players could be fully utilized. There has been talk that the NFL may consider changing the rule, as well as provide for instant replays.

As the Pythons close the 2009-2010 season with a better than .500 season, they face a loss of several players due to retirement and free agency.

"It's going to be a tough upcoming season," said Irish team President Mack A. O'bara, "This loss is disappointing, but fortunately, I'm also betting the spread."

People Called Dennis Roddy, They Go the Houses?

2010-12-03T18:53:00.001-05:00

Looks like someone didn't have their knuckles wrapped hard enough by the nuns:

UNIONTOWN, Pa. -- Police are searching for a vandal who knows Latin -- or at least one famous phrase of the language -- after about a dozen cars were damaged at a Fayette County car dealership.

Uniontown police say nearly two dozen tires were slashed and about a dozen cars had their paint scratched with a key or another sharp object Monday at Five Corners Auto.

The scratching on one of the cars spelled out "Nemo me inpune lacessit." The phrase means "No one attacks me with impunity."

Actually, the phrase is ""Nemo me impune lacessit." "Nemo me inpune lacessit" would mean "I have a small computer animated fish that needs it's shoes tied." That doesn't make any sense.

The quotation, in fact, comes from Edgar Allan Poe's classic horror story "The Cask of Amontillado." It is the family crest of Fortunato, the unfortunate victim of revenge by his neighbor, Montressor. The narrator lures the drunken Fortunato to the basement of his Italian villa during carnival where he chains him to a wall that he then bricks shut, leaving the man to die in the darkness.
OR, if you're historically literate....

It's the the Latin motto of the Order of the Thistle and of three Scottish regiments of the British Army, and has been used by the British Monarch in Scotland since at least 1707, predating the use by Poe by about 150 +/- years. And who am I to question the Queen of England? The "me" in the phrase refers to the prickly thistle, the emblem of Scotland. No words if vandals' attack was on a Toyota Highlander.

Alternatively, and ironically for the vandals, the phrase can be translated into English as "No one can harm me unpunished."

---
My family Latin motto is slightly longer:
O Sibili, se ergo,
Fortebus es inero.
O Nobili, demis trux
Si vatsinum, causan dux.

Republicans to Sponsor "Grapes of Wrath" Reenactments

2010-12-02T21:28:00.002-05:00

(Reuters) Hollywood - Standing next to some of his bitterest foes in Tinseltown, presumed future Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) announced that the Republican party had reached a deal with 20th Century Fox Productions to develop nationwide Grapes of Wrath reenactments.

"I'm a big John Ford fan," said Boehner, "I loved The Quiet Man and How Green Was My Valley, but nothing even comes close to his masterpiece with Henry Fonda. Let me assure you that the Republican Party will do everything it can to make sure that the American people can relive that movie."

Eric Cantor, current House Minority Whip, announced that when the GOP took control of the House in January they would be advancing bills which would defund anti-climate change initiatives to create agricultural wastelands in the Great Plains, allow mortgage companies to more easily seize family farms, encourage strike breaking by non-union farms and factories, and stem the flow of cheap illegal immigrant farm labor and encouraging more Americans to take those jobs.

"Can you imagine the fun kids are going to have playing Ma & Pa Joad while their parents hunt for work," said Cantor.

News Corp, who owns 20th Century Fox, pledged to do its best to help the Speaker-elect advance his dream.

Boehner described The Grapes of Wrath as an uplifting story about how a Christian, nuclear family comes together to explore the West and enjoy the fruits of unbridled capitalism, although he admitted that he regularly doses off during some of the more dialogue heavy bits.

Mr. Boehner also remarked that he was a fan of that Mr. Potter character in Frank Capra's It's a Wonderful Life and would be looking to recreate Pottervilles as well.

And... Drink Tax (Redux)

2010-12-02T20:58:00.002-05:00

This spoiled my breakfast this morning:

Since their enactment in 2008, Allegheny County's taxes on alcoholic drinks and car rentals have done virtually nothing to ease the Port Authority's chronic financial problems.

Here's why: The new taxes were intended to help the county's budget, not the Port Authority's.

The taxes are generating less than $2 million per year in extra revenue for the authority while producing $30 million to $40 million windfalls that county government has used to avoid raising property taxes.

What? What? WHAT?

"That is very clearly a point of confusion," [Port Authority spokesman Jim Ritchie] said. "People to this day just don't understand that this was not new money."

Now, that's an understatement. Did I just miss this? Was I not paying attention? Were there squirrels outside my window going at it like... squirrels, I guess, in heat? Was I so hopped up on NyQuil and ground up Flintstone Vitamins that I was delusional?

Please, someone tell me that this was hidden somewhere in the fine print near the bottom, like where the credit card rate jumps from 3% to 4 Gillion % if you don't buy milk on Wednesdays!

I mean, *I* used the might and majesty of this blog to argue that the drink tax was a sensible way of funding mass transit. I severed friendships over this. I burned down an apartment building in a Sambuca fueled haze for the Drink tax. Now I find out that it was just another way to suck money out of Joe Six Pack so that Dan Onorato and the folks on County Council wouldn't have to raise property taxes?

I ruined my liver for the busses, Dan, not so that some estate in Fox Chapel could save a mill or two off their taxes.

I feel dirty now.

Dirty and sober.

World AIDS Day 2010

2010-12-01T07:39:00.000-05:00

@ Wikileaks

2010-11-29T22:09:00.011-05:00

Now if you have access to the Internets, you're probably already well aware that the folks at Wikileaks have published a metric assload of Department of State dispatches and communiques, detailing everything from a future reunification plan for the Koreas to Col. Gaddafi's fear of upper floors. It's a fascinating little peak into a world of diplomacy that most U.S. citizens never really come in contact with.

That being said, I have a bit of a confession to make.* You see, back years ago before I was a local bureaucrat, I was an employee with the State Department assigned to several countries that were, shall we say, less than Club Med quality. Seriously, I had the runs for like 2 1/2 years. As I'm reading through the database of Wikileaks, I realized that I actually wrote a good number of these cables. So, I'd like to clear the air a bit and/or retract a few statements I made.

*I did say that Francois Mitterand got "more ass than a bidet," despite being dead, but I did not call him a "Frankish twunt."

*Gorbachev's head should not have been referred to as "the bullseye", that was insensitive.

*Slovenia and Slovakia are in fact different countries, I know this now.

*Not everyone in Togo eats humans.

*Kim Jong-Il is not a very tall man who stands very, very far away from the cameras. He is, in fact, a troop of megalomaniacal dwarf-acrobats.

*Margaret Thatcher is not and never was a looker.

*I once referred to Pope John Paul II as "Funny Hat Man," but I wasn't aware of other priests playing with their "funny hat men" in front of other children.

*The Dutch are not all potheads, just very tall and awfully white.

*The Germans don't like to be referred to as "Hitlerians" or even "The People Formerly Called Hitlerians." Other than that, they are very hard to insult.

*The EU headquarters are not located in a Virgin Records store in London.

*Drinking contests with Russians should be avoided.

*The Vatican is a good place to try to score some strange.

*A misprinted comma on my part led to the break up of Yugoslavia. Don't ask.

I hope this all sets the record straight. I can only hope no permanent damage was done to U.S. Diplomatic efforts... except for the Dutch thing.

---
*All of this is a lie, but an entertaining lie, I hope.

North Korea to Invest 10 Megatons in South Korea

2010-11-28T22:52:00.003-05:00

(Reuters) Seoul - Faced with an overwhelming economic disaster, Leader of North Korea Kim Jong-Il has pledged to invest 10 megatons in its neighbor to the south.

The official North Korean news agency said early today that "the Dear Leader was planning to provide ample opportunities for South Korea to begin a massive re-building program." The South Korean government did not respond to the announcement.

The move by North Korean came as a surprise, as the won has recently decreased in value from 1000: $1 to 1000: a Zimbabwean dollar. Kim Jong-Il had invested heavily in Arizonan real estate up until 2009, when the bottom fell out.

Most recently, the North Korean Government had to seize and shut down 1/2 of its banks, specifically the 2nd Bank of North Korea, which was only open from 10-3 anyway. It's total holding upon seizure amounted to $100 million in dirt and one rock. The rock, however, was later withdrawn by Mr. Jong-Il to make several smaller rocked on arbitrage.

The rock is now owned by the US Department of Treasury following in exchange for several thousand shares of GM stock.

Despite these problems, however, the North Koreans see eager to help solve the global financial crisis through a massive government sponsored make work program.

More as this story develops.

On Transportation (On Donner, On Blitzen)

2010-11-28T22:21:00.011-05:00

And so while I was hung over from turkey (and about three bottles of Bordeaux), Jon Schmitz wrote a nice little positive article on the North Shore Connector in the PG. I wouldn't go so far to say that this is a fluff piece, but it is comparable to what I regularly find in my bellybutton.

It's not that I have a problem with the North Shore Connector, in concept. Indeed, high speed dedicated mass transportation should be provided to as many Pittsburgh neighborhoods and outlying suburbs as possible in order to enhance interconnectivity between communities. The NSC (as I will now call it after a further bottle of Bordeaux), however, goes about it in a rather ham-handed way.

To the points raised in Senor (because my computer won't let me put a "~" over the "n") Schmitz's article:

(1) Is this a subway train to nowhere?

Schmitz argues no: this is a line that complements development already underway. While this may be true, the NSC seems to half ass it.

First, while the line does reach into the North Shore, it doesn't reach into the North Side. The City has already invested many millions of dollars in the adjacent neighborhoods of Manchester, Allegheny West, and Central North Side, but they don't get to appreciate a T-stop unless they walk under a highway, down a cavern, past the river Styx, fight a legion of rabid monkeys... etc. While they train doesn't go nowhere, it doesn't exactly go *somewhere*.

Second, if you look at the flyover ramp next to the casino, it seems very difficult to imagine how this line will eventually go *somewhere*... like, say, to the airport. I mean, if it went underground, paralleling the Northshore Expressway or event the CSX lines, servicing Manchester, Marshall-Shadeland, Brighton Heights, etc., I could see opportunities for future expansion, but it sort of stops and runs right into the casino. And, while I am no expert of Real Estate acquisition, I would think that this would be a problem.

It's like PAT is planning on a 100 year time horizon in which the Morlocks have risen from under the earth and have destroyed everything in their path, at which time the Port Authority can extend light rail service to Findley Twp. Unless you're a forward thinking Morlock, this doesn't make a lot of sense.

(2) Can they afford it?

The question is wrong. It isn't really "Can PAT afford it" but rather, "does it provide a net benefit to the region?"

I would say no.

Rather than connecting, say, the two of the most commercially developed areas in the state (Downtown and Oakland), PAT has decided to connect the 2nd most commercially developed areas in the state with a slight outlying area to the 2nd most commercially developed area in the state.

That doesn't make a lot of sense to me, especially considering that the East Busway was designed to be eventually converted into light rail and could relatively easily be repurposed to that end.

Now, I may be completely hammered on a mixture of Cabernet Sauvignon and Sam Adams, but it doesn't really seem that the Port Authority is really keyed into the long term economic development plans of the City of Pittsburgh. While service to the Northshore is nice and all, (as built) it doesn't really serve a long term economic development strategy. Rather it seems to advance a bureaucratic fetish to build stuff because money is available and stuff needs to be built.

I mean, I hope that I'm proved wrong and that come April Steve Bland will announce an multi-billion dollar project to connect the airport to Oakland. I will not, however, be holding my breath.

Things We're All Thankful For...

2010-11-25T11:10:00.002-05:00

Just wanted to give a run down of all the things certain folks are thankful for this year:

*Mayor Luke Ravenstahl - Lawyers who will still sue for innuendo. Twitter.

* Mayoral Chief of Staff Yarone Zober - The Dark Side of the Force and impressionable young Jedi.

* Council President Darlene Harris - Dogs, Puppies, Pups, Pooches, Mongrels, Mutts, Canines, Cats, Kittens, Kitties, Pussies.

* Councilman Doug Shields - Staff, Pittsburgh, Squirrel Hill, Hazelwood Greenfield, parts of Oakland, rain, sun, trees, streets, houses, friends, family, cartoons, radio, radio ships, Israel, Jacobian architecture, buildings, Legos, Eggos, pancakes, butter, milk, cows, goats, chickens, 10 out of 11 herbs and spices, Colonel Sanders, Bernie Sanders, sandblasting, vodka, cigarettes, cigars, Topic Bars, lawyers, the pay level for District Justices, Antonin Scalia, Tony Soprano, Tony Bennet, spelling mistakes, televised Council Meetings, the Town of Temperanceville, Susan B. Anthony, Lebron James, NBC, TSA, CIA, NKOTB... (and so on for three hours until we got tired of transcribing)

* County Executive Dan Onorato - Missing the opportunity to be a one term Governor.

* State Rep. Paul Costa - Being a Costa. Weed.

* Senator-Elect Pat Toomey - A new government job that allows him to eliminate other government jobs.

* Ex. Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin - Certain Americans born every minute.

* Former President George W. Bush - That black guy and the short attention span of the American Public.

* President Barack Obama - The hopes and dreams of the American people and their unwavering determination in the face of adversity. And that Presidential elections are held every four years.

* The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat - Squash

Happy Thanksgiving

Or...

2010-11-25T10:30:00.001-05:00

Just because it's not Thanksgiving without Arlo Guthrie...

Radio Based TV Sitcoms & Thanksgiving Humour

2010-11-25T10:00:00.001-05:00

As is our tradition...

WKRP Turkey Drop - Watch more Videos at Vodpod.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Igloo to Receive Diplomatic Immunity

2010-11-23T21:29:00.001-05:00

The City planning commission today approved the demolition of the 49 year old Mellon Arena, but in a stunning move the Obama administration has appointed the structure as Ambassador plenipotentiary to Canada.

The move, orchestrated by the group Save the Mellon Arena, effectively prevents the demolition of the structure, which now has full diplomatic immunity.

"This is indeed a great victory for architecture," said Rob Pfaffmann spokesman for the group.

This afternoon, the State Department issued full credentials to the building, which is expected to remain in Pittsburgh for some time rather than travel to Ottowa to meet the Governor-General of Canada.

The Mayor's Office has already contacted John McClane, a noted specialist in revoking diplomatic immunity.

More as this story develops.

Open Letter to the Transportation Security Administration

2010-11-23T20:48:00.002-05:00

Dear Ballgrabbers,

Look, I get it: the world is a scary, scary place full of people that want to kill us, blow us up, and generally make us stay at home in pants wetting terror. I know this because I've sat through several Michael Bay movies, and I can say without fear of contradiction: that man wants to hurt America.

But seriously, are you really protecting the country, or are you just overreacting in the hopes that doing something, anything will look better than doing nothing? The bad guys are always going to be trying to find new and exciting ways of causing mayhem. It's what they do; it's in the job description. That doesn't mean, however, that wildly flailing at "security steps to take" is going to solve anything.

As much as I love the choice between getting groped by a balding, middle aged agent or getting a cancer inducing picture of my junk, it's really a false choice. You can have security without having to be molested in public. It's in the Constitution... not the "junk" bit, they took that out... but the searching and seizing, yes. And, even though it doesn't say it, I would think that the "in public" bit has got to be implied.

I mean, even Michael Jackson and the Catholic Clergy had the good sense to keep that kind of molesting crap secret.

I'd like to believe that you don't want to do this. I know the deal with bureaucracies: some guy up in middle management has decided that everyone's doing Policy X now, and he's managed to convince his superiors of the same. Now you have to fondle the sweaty balls of some overweight tourist from Des Moines, and he's back in the nice, non-ball grabbing office trying to figure out if the TSA can get passengers to willingly stow themselves in 3 by 3 foot cubes... you know... for safety. I'd also like to believe that you hate this guy and would easily give him a *cough* more thorough examination if you ever had the chance.

But, of course, when you find that single 4 oz of Listerine that some housewife has kiestered in the hopes of having good, fresh breath when she lands, we'll know that all the violations of our persons were well worth it.

Until the bad people think of something even more clever.

Me, I'm taking the train.

Sincerely,

-O
The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat

Unconfirmed Vatican Report: Pope OK with "Hard Tackles" in NFL

2010-11-22T22:38:00.000-05:00

(Reuters) Rome - In an upcoming encyclical to the Church in the United States, Pope Benedict XVI is expected to announce that hard tackles in the NFL are morally permissible when running a 3-4 defense.

Cardinal Donald Wuerl (SS), speaking on condition of anonymity, said that the Pope was moved by the horrible penalty calling so far during the 2010 NFL season.

"The Bible says that we must love our enemies," said Wuerl, "It does not say that we have to ease up in the split second before the QB releases the ball. I mean, Christ! Tom Brady isn't Jesus."

This would mark a change for the Vatican, who had traditionally favored a West Coast style offense and had been keen on protecting its wide receivers. It also marks an incremental step forwards towards the full acceptance of blitzing as a football lifestyle, observers said.

The Pope had been criticized for not running the ball on 4th & goal during last Sunday's game against the Saints.

The encyclical Capras Goodell futuit is in its final final draft, according to Vatican insiders, who expect the Pope to also come out against the use of artificial turf.

Security Administration to Begin Driver Pat Downs

2010-11-22T20:35:00.001-05:00

(Reuters) Washington D.C. - Transportation Security Administrator John S. Pistole has announced that the TSA will begin random pat-downs of drivers of U.S. drivers for "security purposes."

"We're clearly concerned about weapons, bombs, poisons, water bottles, lipstick, and nail clippers being brought on board civilian aviation craft, but until now, there's been a blind spot in our terrestrial transportation security. This blind spot ends today."

Changes are the result of a routine traffic stop in West Hackensack NJ, when a driver was pulled over under the suspicion of carrying a 4 ton nuclear warhead in his Mazda Miata. Mr. Pistole said that, while the resulting strip search and grope-fest resulted in nothing more conclusive than a three year old Malo Cup, this doesn't mean that the American public shouldn't be terrified.

"Sure, there's one guy in Hackensack that didn't have a bomb... this time. But there are hundreds of other automobiles that could potentially be carrying something lethal: a bomb, anthrax, gasoline... We need to search ever car. You know: for safety."

Road checks will be placed at random intervals along major US highways. Drivers can opt for a "backscatter" radiation scan or a mechanic can disassemble your car by the side of the road. Delays to drivers are not expected to exceed 12 hours per check. Drivers will also be subjected to personal examinations, the results of which will be forwarded to your primary care physician at no extra charge.

Local reaction was mixed to the news.

"I'm not sure how I feel about this," said Betty Cunningham of Blawnox. "Sure, I think that it's a dehumanizing violation of our civil liberties, but on the other hand, I'm really scared of Muslims."

UPDATE: Drivers should be aware that a man in a white tank top and blue cuttoffs seen lurking at the North Somerset rest stop is not an authorized TSA agent. Drivers should not allow him to perform pat downs, no matter how many badges he shows you.

Art (Not Garfunkel)

2010-11-18T22:34:00.002-05:00

Looks like the City found a bunch of public art hidden away in some secret vault somewhere:

Five sculptures that were stored for years in a public works warehouse are being put back on pedestals four years after one artist's persistent queries led to their discovery.

This morning, a crew from Mangery & Sons hoisted Peter Calaboyias' stainless steel sculpture "Five Factors" into place on a concrete slab behind the baseball field in Mellon Park, Shadyside....

"Five Factors" was one of four sculptures chosen in a 1971 public art competition and placed atop the garage at the Squirrel Hill branch of the Carnegie Library. They were among the first contemporary sculptures to be displayed as public art in the city. At the time, the city required that 1 percent of the construction budget for a public building be spent on art.

All of which makes me wonder is there some position in CitiParks or City Planning that involves someone wearing a fedora, carrying a whip, and battling Nazis in a hunt for lost Pittsburgh Treasures or is it more like a giant warehouse where Yarone Zober is hiding the Ark of the Covenant? Either way, how do I apply for that job? And where do I get a good quality whip*?

Also, is that warehouse place that the City is hiding my generous donation of a priceless portrait on velvet of Luke Ravenstahl taking a #2? I really think that should have been put on public display. I mean, I don't know much about art, but I know what people like.

---
*That question's directed at you, Zober.

Demolition Planned to Occur at Addison Terrace

2010-11-18T20:24:00.003-05:00

The Pittsburgh Housing Authority may demolish the 734-unit Addison Terrace development in the Hill District and replace it with a social and architectural gulag designed to strike fear in the hearts of Pittsburghers for the next several generations.

The authority board voted this morning to seek federal approval to demolish the existing units for low-income residents and to seek architectural certification from the Le Corbussier School of Unspeakable Abominations.

The authority's executive director, A. Fulton Meachem Jr., said the new housing would not be based on any preconceived design notions, except that they will not fit in to the surrounding neighborhood, will be isolated from public services and business districts, and will generally try to avoid making the experience better for anyone involved in the project. The authority will strive to avoid innovation in Public Housing, choosing instead to plop housing units down on HACP owned property in much the same manner as a dog does its business on the neighbor's lawn.

"We estimate that the project will take 5-8 years for HUD to review, then 3 years for us to review internally, and then another 10 years for us to screw it up and have to go back to HUD for a waiver."

No cost estimate was available because the planning is in the early stages, Mr. Meachem said, although it's projected that a huge request for additional funding from the City of Pittsburgh will be made at the last minute.

Mr. Meachem said the new development would mirror projects in Garfield, in that they will little public input from the surrounding neighborhood and force residents to remain isolated.

Buses, Parking & Pensions (Oh my!)

2010-11-17T21:10:00.002-05:00

There's probably many good reasons why I'm not the head of the Port Authority of Allegheny County... the most obvious of which is my well documented, if unusual, collection of Smurf Erotica... but slightly less well known is my ability to see an opportunity when it's staring me in the face. I, of course, am speaking about the proposed sale of the City's parking assets to fund the ailing pension system. Steve Bland is missing a golden opportunity here.

Now, if I'm head of PAT I'm doing one of two things:

First, I'm out in front of the public, news cameras, reporters, random people with nothing else to do, talking about how good this plan will be for you. And, of course, by "you" I mean "me". For, you see, I'd bet that despite the apparent elasticity of demand for parking, I'm guessing that increased parking rates are going to happen, and are going to drive(!) people to taking public transit, solving my own budget problem.

Or alternatively, instead of the Pittsburgh Parking Authority buying these garages and meters, as in the Lamb plan, I'm making a play to buy them myself. Now, you're probably saying "the Port Authority already has a budget deficit of it's own...I mean you just mentioned it in the last paragraph for Pete's sake." While that's true, and shame on you for pointing out my flaws, (1) this would be a capital investment on PAT's part, (2) there's already precedent for PAT owning parking garages, and (3) doing stupid shit has never stopped PAT in the past.

OK, so if PAT owned all these garages, what would they do with them? Well, if you've watched Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, you'll know the answer.

No, I'm not talking about wanting to nail the animated chick with the huge... bike racks. I mean the insidious plot of Judge Doom: buying the trolley line so he could dismantle it in favor of a cars and superhighways. Only this would be the opposite of that.

And there you go! Two problems solved: pension gets partially funded and PAT eliminates a competitor to it's business model. And maybe we'd rid ourselves of the cartoons in City Council while we're at it.

Of course, there's a big obvious flaw in the plan: something tells me that the Port Authority doesn't have a supervillain on staff.

"Yet," he says, twirling his mustache.

... Well She Shouldn't Have Been Such a Slutty Municipality

2010-11-16T19:54:00.003-05:00

And so Bram and Chris have been (musing? ... mulling?... one of those) over the threat of a boycott by the Marcellus Shale Coalition if the City of Pittsburgh doesn't allow gas drilling within its borders:

If Pittsburgh City Council doesn't want Marcellus shale gas companies drilling in the city, industry officials said they could take their non-drilling business elsewhere.

City Council plans to decide Tuesday whether to ban the drilling. The industry could move meetings such as recent conferences to the suburbs or friendlier towns, said Kathryn Klaber, president of the Marcellus Shale Coalition, an industry trade group based at Southpointe in Washington County.

"The city is doing its best in its portrayal of this industry to say, 'We don't want hotel and meeting spaces to be filled with this industry,' " Klaber said. "And my members are saying, 'Why would we go Downtown?' "

The coalition brought $735,000 in direct spending to Pittsburgh in September with its first membership meeting, according to estimates by VisitPittsburgh. The group had several other smaller gatherings in the city.

All of which is like saying "If you don't give me the opportunity of raping you first, I'm not taking you out to dinner later."

Council readied its rape-whistle and passed the ban anyway.

Probably a good time to take a municipal self defense class.

Local Blogger Can No Longer Tell Satire from Reality

2010-11-15T21:23:00.005-05:00

(Reuters) Pittsburgh, PA - At a hastily convened news conference this afternoon, a local Anonymous Blogger today revealed that he can no longer tell satire from reality.

"I like to think I have a pretty good grasp on reality, but there I was watching C-Span and there's this Congressman from Oklahoma saying that we should take the babies of undocumented illegal immigrants and put them to work in fields until they're old enough to be shipped back to wherever they're from. And I'm thinking to myself: 'is he putting me on?' And then I realize, I wasn't sure. He may have been serious."

The Blogger was referring to recent comments by Representative Tom Cole (R) who faced a tough uphill primary battle against a TEA Party backed candidate who repeatedly called Representative Cole "Soft" on the immigrant issue.

Seeking to bolster his reputation as a solid conservative, Rep. Cole took to the airwaves today with his "Put Babies to Work" program. Rep. Cole has also proposed eliminating Medicare in order to pay for an elderly health program and eliminating unnecessary governmental intrusion through an extension of the PATRIOT Act.

The Anonymous Blogger's frustrations ran high during the press conference.

"I mean, you hear this stuff and you think, 'Naw, that's too crazy,' and then it turns out to be true. I mean when the line between satire and reality gets so blurred that you can't tell the difference, you got a real problem, right?"

Dr. Isaac Bickerstaff of Trinity College has written extensively on the use of satire in modern life and he shares the Anonymous Bloggers concern.

"You see," said Dr. Bickerstaff via a phone interview, "I could say that eating babies is a perfect way to bring back the American economy (indeed, given the size of American children, the nation would never go hungry again), but if someone goes out and starts gnawing on 2nd Graders, well, that's just not right. Tasty, perhaps, but not right."

The Anonymous Blogger was swift to point out that he wasn't sure what this meant for the rest of his blog.

"I don't know, really. I'm having trouble with understanding the ridiculousness of reality, I guess. I'm not even sure if this post is satire or not. I think it is. Most of it, anyway. I'm not even sure who that Dr. Bickerstaff was."

More as this story develops.

Lest We Forget

2010-11-11T00:01:00.001-05:00

In Flanders fields the poppies blow

Between the crosses, row on row,

That mark our place; and in the sky

The larks, still bravely singing, fly

Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the dead. Short days ago

We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,

Loved, and were loved, and now we lie

In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:

To you from failing hands we throw

The torch; be yours to hold it high.

If ye break faith with us who die

We shall not sleep, though poppies grow

In Flanders fields.

Update: Ravenstahl in China

2010-10-09T14:09:00.000-04:00

We've been informed by colleagues traveling with the Pittsburgh delegation to China that Yarone Zober managed to narrowly avoid an international incident when he caught the Mayor of Shanghi attempting to put "pee-pee" in Mayor Ravenstahl's carbonated beverage.

The Office of the Mayor of Shanghi called the incident "a joke."

More as this story develops.

And the Elder Gods...

2010-09-24T00:24:00.001-04:00

in their timeless, deathless halls continue to gnaw upon the world...

Local Blogger Refuses to Leave Basement "Until Country Is Less Stupid"

2010-08-17T23:00:00.004-04:00

(Reuters) Pittsburgh, PA - A local anonymous blogger today announced that he was staging a "Basement-In" until the the Country is less stupid.

The Blogger, who writes for a well-known, if sporatically updated, electronic publication announced via email that "the current state of the country is too dumb to be a part of."

"I have my Netflix, I have several cases of wine and beer, I have a Wii... I figure I can last 12-18 months isolated away until our collective IQs break triple digits."

Sources close to the Blogger indicate that the recent kerfluffle over the so-called "Ground Zero Mosque" were finally the straw that broke the camel's back.

"We were watching CNN," said his wife who refused to be named, "And then this report came on and he just started ranting. 'How can they be reporting on this,' he shouted, 'How can they... There's the First... I mean...' And then he just trailed off. I think the stupidity finally broke his brain."

No word on whether the Blogger actually intends on carrying through on his threat, although reports indicate that he has ordered 400 pounds of Cheetos, indicating a long seige.

A Bureaucrat's Aside Re: Marcellus Shale

2010-08-17T20:43:00.000-04:00

If Doug Shields really wants to break down the will of those that are supporting drilling in the Marcellus Shale, he really just has to challenge them to an open-ended debate. By hour 165, the opponents will still be trying to get a word in edgewise.

Although, if subjected to Doug's notorious verbosity, methinks that the shale may frack itself, just to put itself out of its misery.

Wikileaks Pittsburgh

2010-07-27T19:33:00.001-04:00

If you are familiar with the Internets, which, if you are reading this I'm assuming you probably are, you have already heard about the nearly 92,000 pages of Afghan war documents posted to Wikileaks just the other day. What you probably aren't aware of, however, is that Wikileaks has also just posted a full 37 1/2 pages of potentially damning information about the City of Pittsburgh.

Most of it is unsurprising, but there are some shockers revealed:

• Yarone Zober and Steely McBeam are the same person.
• There is no "Bon Air" neighborhood.
• Bill Burns is secretly alive under 1 Gateway Center and is being used to power Ken Rice's eyebrows.
• That horrible smell in the Recorder of Deeds office is found at DBV 142368 p 150.
• The Balance of the pension fund is made up of Pets.com stock and jellybeans.
• Darlene Harris once killed a guy for complaining about her screensaver.
• CitiParks Director Duane Ashley secretly hates trees.
• DPW is hiding all the snow from February's snow storm in vacant public housing.
• The Act 47 overseers are figments of a collective imagination.
• Joanna Doven is sick of your shit.
• The Morlock problem in the closed off passage under Ross Street still hasn't been solved.
• The Mayor drinks Bud Lite.

The Mayor's Office downplayed this release of information, saying that it was "unsurprising."

More as this story develops.

BP Names New CEO

2010-07-27T09:26:00.002-04:00

The Board of Directors has named Creighton Armus, Vice President of Alaskan Coastal Operations, as CEO. Mr. Armus has 25+ years of experience in oil, but has been dogged by a 1988 scandal in which a lieutenant needlessly died under his watch.

The outgoing CEO Tony Hayward, as part of his compensation package, will be abandoned on planet Vagra II.

BP stock rose 10 points in early trading.