Buses, Parking & Pensions (Oh my!)

There's probably many good reasons why I'm not the head of the Port Authority of Allegheny County... the most obvious of which is my well documented, if unusual, collection of Smurf Erotica... but slightly less well known is my ability to see an opportunity when it's staring me in the face. I, of course, am speaking about the proposed sale of the City's parking assets to fund the ailing pension system. Steve Bland is missing a golden opportunity here.

Now, if I'm head of PAT I'm doing one of two things:

First, I'm out in front of the public, news cameras, reporters, random people with nothing else to do, talking about how good this plan will be for you. And, of course, by "you" I mean "me". For, you see, I'd bet that despite the apparent elasticity of demand for parking, I'm guessing that increased parking rates are going to happen, and are going to drive(!) people to taking public transit, solving my own budget problem.

Or alternatively, instead of the Pittsburgh Parking Authority buying these garages and meters, as in the Lamb plan, I'm making a play to buy them myself. Now, you're probably saying "the Port Authority already has a budget deficit of it's own...I mean you just mentioned it in the last paragraph for Pete's sake." While that's true, and shame on you for pointing out my flaws, (1) this would be a capital investment on PAT's part, (2) there's already precedent for PAT owning parking garages, and (3) doing stupid shit has never stopped PAT in the past.

OK, so if PAT owned all these garages, what would they do with them? Well, if you've watched Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, you'll know the answer.

No, I'm not talking about wanting to nail the animated chick with the huge... bike racks. I mean the insidious plot of Judge Doom: buying the trolley line so he could dismantle it in favor of a cars and superhighways. Only this would be the opposite of that.

And there you go! Two problems solved: pension gets partially funded and PAT eliminates a competitor to it's business model. And maybe we'd rid ourselves of the cartoons in City Council while we're at it.

Of course, there's a big obvious flaw in the plan: something tells me that the Port Authority doesn't have a supervillain on staff.

"Yet," he says, twirling his mustache.

GOP Frustrated in Attempts to Catch Obama

(NewsWire) Washington D.C. - Tempers seethed today on Capitol Hill today as the Senate Minority party expressed audible frustration that his party was unable to catch up with the new President.

"We nearly had him with the stimulus bill," said Senator Mitch McConnell at a closed door Republican luncheon. "We nearly had him with (Governor Bill) Richardson and with (former Senator Tom) Daschle. Heck, we even had old (New Hampshire Senator Judd) Gregg over there dress up as Commerce Secretary to lure him into our clutches. We even set up that anvil with the Obama seed underneath it, but we managed, somehow, to get squished into an accordion like shape. What's wrong here?"

Weeks after inauguration, President Obama still maintains high approval ratings across most of the country even with an ever worsening economic situation. The President seems detached and aloof from the ongoing problems in the opposing party.

Last week, Representative Michelle Bachman (R-MN) dressed up as a bat to swoop down onto the White House in order to catch the President unawares, but she managed to slam into a boulder instead, which subsequently plummeted with her to the canyon floor.

RNC Chairman, and self-proclaimed "Super Genius" Michael Steele purchased a pair of rocket powered roller skates, but, when activated, spun wildly out of control, sending him as well to the canyon floor.

House Minority Whip Eric Cantor had devised a complex slingshot system, but, when activated, the sling flung Mr. Cantor into an oncoming train.

Faced with declining lobbying support after its failed K Street project and its loss of prestige, the GOP is relying heavily on the Acme LLC lobbying firm for advice.

Noted political commentator Isadore Freleng says that the problem is one of desire for the Republicans.

"You see, the GOP wants Obama. It desires to get Obama anyway it can, but there's some sort of subtle self loathing at play where they dream up these crazy, rocket powered, gun powered, giant metal spring, traps that inevitably blow up in their faces. It's almost as if they don't really want to get him, because they wouldn't know what to do if they did get him."

Senator McConnell laughed at that suggestion.

"We have a really great plan this time: we're going to paint a tunnel onto the side of the Lincoln Memorial so that when his motorcade goes through he gets squished. It's a fool proof plan."

Presidential Spokesman Robert Gibbs responded to McConnell's plan with "Meep-Meep!", before dashing off in a puff of smoke.