An Open Letter to Ben Roethlisberger

Dear Ben,

I'm sure you're secretly basking in the warm glow from the knowledge that you're not going to have to spend any time in court, and while that feeling may be reassuring, remember this: you got lucky this time.

Now, I don't know what you did (if you did anything), but an alleged victim that doesn't want to press charges and a District Attorney that doesn't have enough evidence to prosecute doesn't mean that you didn't probably do something that was really, *really* stupid.

Frankly, even if what was alleged to have transpired never even came close to allegedly transpiring, your Yinzer fans already know about your history of making some real boneheaded decisions. We're not even talking about you sticking your Dick LeBeau into some tight end here; you proved that you were perfectly capable of making non-sexual mistakes when you decided to ride your motorcycle without a helmet. Dumb move, Ben.

Dumb move.

If my life long Steelers fan grandmother had been alive to see all the stupid things you've done, she would have slapped you upside the head with her ring hand, pointing side first. My guess is that there are thousands of other grandmothers in the Steelers Nation of ump-teen millions that would probably join her in kicking your ass. Get enough of them together, I think we could easily pay off the City of Pittsburgh's pension obligation with a "Smack Stupidhead in the Face" fundraiser, selling tickets for $1.

Had you had been paying attention, you would have noticed that, in general, Pittsburghers don't really like its sports heroes to act like assholes. I'm not just talking about Santonio Holmes or Plaxico Buress here either; I distinctly remember booing former Pirate outfielder Dave Parker after he got hooked on cocaine and started playing (better) for the Cincinnati Reds. We don't appreciate that kind of bullshiat.

So, here's what I would suggest: you need to chain yourself to one of the thousands of little old, black & gold babushka wearing grandmother (of which I spoke about earlier) in order to keep yourself out of any situation that could even possibly be potentially construed as a dumb, dumb move. Everywhere you go, whether that's to a charity event, to a bar, or to a strip club, you need to know that Grandma is going to whup you if you even think of getting out of line. And while you may think that this is a tad excessive, I'm sure that it's going to be better than being drummed out of the league or becoming bunkmates with Chris Henry in the future, if you know what I mean.

Sincerely,

O
The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat

A Bureaucrat's Aside Re: XLIII + 6-8 in.

You know, I hadn't really thought about it as I was busy digging myself out from what seemed like a metric ton of snow, but if the Steelers had won the Superbowl this year instead of last, we would have had a massive street party on Sunday and a victory parade sometime this week.

Consider the implications of that random thought for a minute as you shovel your driveway.

Greentree Man Accepts Responsibility for Muffed On-side Kick

Local Steelers fan Tony "Duckman" Sculluci issued a statement today apologizing for a failed on-side kick that nearly resulted in a loss to the Green Bay Packers yesterday at Heinz Field.

Mr. Sculluci had inadvertently allowed a friend identified only a "Joey" to momentarily place an Iron City beer onto his Terrible Towel, following a fourth quarter touchdown.

"We were all there in the rumpus room, and I had just finishing waving it and I put it down to grab some more nachos, when 'Joey' goes and puts his beer down on the towel. Next thing I know *BAM*! 9 Yards. I should have been more careful."

Insiders speculate that "Joey" is known Cleveland Browns fan Joseph Carey, a long time college friend of Mr. Sculluci, who may have purposefully placed the beer on the towel in order to guarantee a Steelers loss. Calls to the Carey residence were not returned.

Pittsburgh sports analyst and commentator Guy Junker says that this was probably not Mr. Sculluci's fault.

"I'm sure that the Steelers Organization appreciates the dedication of it's fan base and how personal they take the team's record, but one man's actions at home would not explain the poor execution of that play, especially considering the recent string of losses. If anything, it means that there are thousands of fans that are not wearing their lucky jerseys, aren't listen to the radio during the game, or haven't touched their Myron Cope bobble head doll prior to the game. Pittsburgh fans everywhere really need to step up their game."

A Steelers Nationwide alert has been issued by the Rooney Family. Steelers fans are encouraged to double their "fandemonium" and the team has shifted money away from the Offensive Line and Special Teams budgets to assist in these efforts.

Mr. Sculluci, however, remains penitent.

"I always knew that I had a mystical bond with my team, but I had no idea that it was directly connected to their ability to execute onside kicks. For that I am truly sorry."

North Side Institution Condemned by City

City of Pittsburgh Bureau of Building Inspection yesterday issued a condemnation order on the Pittsburgh Steelers, a 76 year old North Side, yesterday after five weeks of complaints by local residents. All employees were ordered to vacate the premises as the team was in danger of imminent collapse.

The Mayor's Office released a statement saying they were prompted to action after hundreds of calls to the City 3-1-1 line Thursday night.

"The Bureau of Building Inspection has found serious defects in the teams foundations, as well as its so-called 'steel curtain.' The offensive line has not been able to provide sufficient protection against Raiders or Dawgs... We are ordering cessation of operational activities within the next four weeks."

North Side residents applauded the City's move. "It's about time," said long time denizen Mark Lataf. "There's been suspicious activity going on over there for the last few weeks. You see a bunch of guys looking like they've been doing work, but nothing's actually getting done. It's a shame that an institution of that caliber has just let their season completely collapse."

This is not the first time that the Steelers have faced such criticism. In 2006, it nearly collapsed after an employee dropped a dangerous item, which was only saved through the quick intervention of a floor manager.

Owners of the Steelers have pledged to comply with the stop work order and will spend the next year on fundamental rebuilding.

In an unrelated story, President Obama has recalled the U.S. Ambassador to Ireland for consultation.

Riots Break Out on North Side

Thousands of Distraught Steelers Fans Pour into Street After Loss to Cincinnati

Half of West Allegheny Vandalized

G20 Police Force Nowhere to be Found - Citizens Frightened

Shouts of "Dammit Jeff Reed!" Echo Through Nervous City

Anarchists Denounce Holding Penalties

Dan Rooney Traded to Ireland for Two Players to be Named Later

Despite nearly surpassing Brett Favre's consecutive season record, the 76 year old Steelers owner feels that he still has "a couple more good years in him." Coach Mike Tomlin hopes the trade will add some much needed depth in special teams.

Steelers Pull Themselves Out of Hole

Ben Roethlisberger Sees His Shadow



Six more months until training camp.

Baltimore Mayor Makes Good on Wager

(Reuters) Baltimore, MD - A tearful Sheila Dixon, Mayor of Baltimore, made good on her wager with Pittsburgh Mayor Luke "Steely McStahl" Ravenstahl, in a signing statement in from of Baltimore City Council.

"It is with heavy heart that I fulfill our obligation with Mayor Ravenstahl, but let it never be said that we Baltimorons are not honorable people."

As is tradition between big City Mayors, both Dixon and Ravenstahl made what was supposed to be a playful wager on the outcome of the AFC Championship game between the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Baltimore Ravens. Ravenstahl bet a basket of Heinz products, a case of Iron City Beer, and a dozen Primanti Brothers sandwiches; Dixon bet the City of Baltimore.

Advisers to Mayor Dixon had assured her that the bet was a "sure thing" and that there was "nothing to worry about." It became clear during the first quarter of yesterday's game that the bet was anything but a "sure thing," and with two minutes left in the game, Mayor Dixon received a telephone call from Pittsburgh Mayoral Chief of Staff Yarone Zober calling in the bet.

"Mr. Zober told me that they had some guys coming down to collect the bet," said Mayor Dixon at a hastily assembled press conference. "I asked him to give us some more time and that we were in a hard place right now. Mr. Zober said that the guys were already on their way and that he didn't want them to waste their time. When I asked him if he would take Union Square or Harbor View or Pimlico or the rights of "Homicide: Life on the Streets", Mr. Zober said 'No dice... and it would be a shame if Inner Habor got broken.'"

Mayor Ravenstahl did not say what Pittsburgh's plan for Baltimore was going to be.

"We may turn into some sort of 'Pittsburgh South.' We're already importing perogis and jumbo dahn there, and extra french fries for their salads. (Council Member) Jim Motznik is going down as Viceroy. Hopefully, by next week, we'll have an Iron City factory in place. At least their flag is pretty much the right colors."

Baltimore will become Pittsburgh's 91st neighborhood on January 31, 2009 and will push the City's population over 1 million for the first time ever.

Baltimore Council President Stephanie Rawlings Blake has offered to go "double or nothing" with Pittsburgh. Ms. Dixon is already under indictment for misconduct on an unrelated matter.

Mike from Delmont to Provide Capital Investment in Steelers

In a surprise call to Stan Savran this afternoon, long time listener, first time caller Mike from Delmont floated a proposal to buy out up to 30% of the current Steeler leadership.

"Stan, Guy, love the show. Just wanted to tell you that I think that da Stillers [sic] are goin' all the way to the big dance this year, and I'm offering the Rooney brothers up to $250 Million for their shares of the team."

In order to comply with National Football League guidelines that prohibit association with racetrack and gambling interests, the Rooney family is working to restructure the ownership of the Steelers, a process that is forcing several brothers of team chairman Dan Rooney to seek to sell their shares in the franchise, according to news reports.

"I'm looking to make sure that Mr. Rooney retain ownership of the team, and free ahrns [sic] to the first 120,000 callers," said Mike from Delmont in a follow up interview, "Maybe I'll get Donnie Iris to play all the halftime shows up through 2014. I hear he rocked some guys face off once. Clear off. That's awesome."

The Rooney family could not be reached for comment, although sources close to the team say that the management is "considering all offers".

Little is known about "Mike from Delmont," although it is suspected that he is involved with Jim from Edgewood who once called former Steeler Plaxico Burress "Plexiglass Duress".

ADB Steeler Post-Game Show

Aw...Shit.

Mike Tomlin Announces Candidacy for Mayor

Fresh off a division leading 2-0 start, Steelers Head Coach Mike Tomlin announced today his intention to run for Mayor of Pittsburgh. Flanked by Steelers President Dan Rooney and buoyed by recent polls which put his approval rating at nearly 93%, Tomlin said that he was "disappointed" at the direction the City has taken and vowed to use his candidacy to put Pittsburgh on the right track.

Tomlin said he intended to run as an independent in the upcoming election, but privately joked that that he would run on the "Black & Gold Party" ticket. While the Democratic Party has traditionally held the reigns of power in the City, Steelers Fans outnumber Democrats almost 3:1.

"I truly think that my candidacy reflects what is best about Pittsburgh, and, as Mayor, I would take each day one day at a time, but we need to step up and bring our A-game."

Mr. Rooney was asked if Tomlin's candidacy would effect his coaching abilities.

"Yes, well, it would be inappropriate for a head coach to actively campaign for mayor during the football season, so I have asked Mike to submit his resignation to me effective Friday."

Tomlin will remain as "acting" head coach until a national search is completed for a qualified replacement, or for 90 days.

Duquesne Law Professor and Political Analyst Joseph Sabino Mistick called the announcement "a challenge to the powers that be."

"What you see here," continued Mistick, "is a young, smart coach who can use his leadership skills and bring it to a new level."

The announcement was denounced by both major candidates.

Republican candidate Mark DeSantis called the Tomlin Candidacy "a stunt" and a "deliberate ploy by the Rooneys to influence the development of the North Shore Casino."

Mayor Chief of Staff Yarone Zober called it "a ploy to sway strong base of potential voters" as he emerged from a closed door meeting with Fire Fighters President Joe King.

Mayoral Spokesperson Joanna Doven remarked that Tomlin lacked experience and that Mr. Ravenstahl had been a football kicker in college.

Also, on an unrelated note, Ms. Doven announced that Troy Polamalu had been appointed Chief of Building Inspection.

Quagmire

So they enter the fray with high hopes, a PR blitz, a good track record, and some initial success, only to be dragged into an unwinnable situation in which mortal enemies are taking advantage of their weaknesses and absolute defeat is assured, despite the protests of the partisan zealots.

The current situation in Iraq or the 2006 Steelers?

Exhaustion

I'm suffering from a horrible case of exhaustion because of the weekend's activities... and yes, I realize that it is Tuesday.

Thursday through Sunday could be blamed on the drinking. Monday could be blamed on the Steelers' (near) loss and a lack of sleep from Thursday through Monday. Tuesday is definitely blamed on The Bureaucracy, and all the related trials and travails.

I'll pick up tomorrow after I have myself a little cry under my desk and find my binky.

CITY-Wide Mass Suicide

OK, when you throw three interceptions and commit one fumble in the AFC championship, you just may not have the stuff that it takes to make it to the Superbowl.

That being said, buckets of Kool-Aid will be distributed on every street corner to the denizens of THE CITY. Please don purple sheets and black Nikes. NOW IS THE TIME OF THE GREAT CLEANSING! THE HEATHENS WILL BE BURNED ALIVE AND THEIR FLESH DISTRIBUTED AMONG THE CHILDREN. THE END TIMES HAVE ARRIVED AND THE ANTI-CHRIST HAS ARRIVED

I'm done now.

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This post brought to you by: Six beers, and great sadness.