Pittsburgh Tribune Review blasts Allegheny Conference, Demands Fucking Pony

In advance of its 2008 annual meeting, the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review lobbed a bomb at the Allegheny Conference on Community Development, demanding that the Conference make good on its promise of a fucking pony for every resident of Western Pennsylvania.

In the 1940s, local business and government leaders gathered under the banner of the Conference to clear soot-filled skies, to lead a Downtown building renaissance and to spur area growth. The pro-business establishment, headed by Richard King Mellon, and the Democratic political machine, headed by mayor David L. Lawrence, joined hands forming the backbone of community and economic development in the region. Both Mr. Lawrence and Mr. Mellon were extensively lobbied by an international Pony cartel, although records of formal exchanges have been lost. .

"We have wasted too many years not focusing on the kind of things that can make Pennsylvania and the Pittsburgh area grow better," said Jake Haulk, president of the Allegheny Institute for Public Policy, a Castle Shannon-based think tank. "If the ACCD can't provide us with fucking ponies, then they are completely and utterly worthless as a not-for-profit, public/private booster and organizer for the City of Pittsburgh."

Conference officials and its business backers insist it has no clue what critics are talking about.

"You are going to get opinions all over the board as to whether or not we're working on the right things, whether or not we're effective in working on the right things," said conference CEO Michael Langley. "But what's undeniable is, we have never promised anyone a rose garden, let alone a fucking pony."

"I mean, hell," added ACCD CEO Jim Rohr, "do you have any fucking idea how many fucking things are wrong with this goddamned region. Christ! You have Senators fighting Mayors, Big Businesses fighting Small Businesses, and a bunch of fucking, whiny sons-of-bitches with their thumbs up their butts complaining that nothing is getting fucking done. And on top of that, these motherfuckers want fucking ponies."

Mr. Rohr refused to comment on previous Conference promises for sunshine and rainbow farting unicorns as part of the Pittsburgh 250 Celebration, as he was lead away for a higher dose of his medication.

Brave New World

I'm sure some of you out there in Blog land would like me to say that I didn't post much last night because I was crying into my beer over the victory by Luke Ravenstahl over Mark DeSantis et al. In fact, I was crying last night over my stupid fucking-piece-of-shit router that decided to explode into little tiny pieces.

Perhaps the router was crying.

In any event, it's fixed now. And here's my thought on the aftermath and what happens from here:

(1) While Luke manage to win, he did, apparently, record the worst performance by an incumbent Democratic mayor since the City started to elect those types of people. This doesn't bode well for the Republicans, but I'm sure that it's piqued the interest of other potential 2009 candidates with little Ds affixed to their name.

Politicians, like the sharks they are, can smell blood in the water. If Luke doesn't show real results in the next year or if he continues to show the poor judgment tendencies he's shown in the past, he might want to consider running for a different office before a stronger contender reveals him/herself.

(2) The election added an air of legitimacy to the Ravenstahl administration who had been lambasted as an "Accidental Mayor" by his opponents. It also validated his policy and professional decisions over the last 14 months for what that's worth. I suppose that this means we'll be expecting more of the same.

(3) I'll predict a rash of more "housecleaning" in the works for City Government. My impression is that there are a lot of people who are "fully vested in pensions," as it were, and would rather not stick around for much more. I also get the impression that now that the election is over, Luke can finish his consolidation of power; a lot of Admiral Needas out there who have failed Darth Ravenstahl for the last time.

(4) On the plus side, it will give the Mayor's Office a bit more breathing room as they don't have to produce "results" as expediently. Perhaps they will back down on staff a bit too.

(5) Maybe they'll get a chance to get some organization together at the Mayor's Office, while they're at it. Perhaps in the next year somebody will eventually figure out what it is they're supposed to be doing over there.

In any event, eighteen months and we do it all over again...

Lord, get me a drink... and make it a double.

Rule #26

I haven't done this in awhile, so I'll cut to the quick:

Rule #26: Sometimes you just have to say 'Fuck the Rules'.

There are times when you just have to see the forest and the trees at the same time.

I'll clean that Rule up later for the FCC.... maybe use 'screw' or 'diddle' or 'squrlookal'.

City Death Pool

It may be morbid, but somebody's gotta start laying odds on who's ultimately going to get canned following Luke's orgy of forced resignations. Some folks are going to make it out, while others are are going to be out on the street. Here's the latest line and commentary:

Guy Costa

Age: 51
Job: Public Works Director
Why he's going to stay: It's no secret that the Costa Family pretty much has their collective hands in every level of government. To fire Guy would be to toss a live hand grenade into the Pittsburgh Political establishment... or biting a hand that fed you, either way.
Why he's going to be fired: Currently, Costa is the odds on favorite to be the first on fired. The suspicion is that he has irked mayoral ally Jim Motznik enough to warrant a firing; the further suspicion is that Motznik himself wants the job. Oh yeah, and there was that whole Koch T-Shirt/Redd Up Crew faux pas that wasn't handled that well.
ADB Odds of being fired: 2:1


Ron Graziano

Age: 47
Job: Bureau of Building Inspection Chief
Why he's going to stay: Ron's been with BBI for about 7 years, if my memory serves me correctly, and is a hold over from the Murphy administration with a ton of experience in his position. Ron runs a tight shop and his staff seems to be responsive to public needs.
Why he's going to be fired: As part of the new "fast track" development process, Ron may not be moving fast enough.
ADB odds: 4:1


George Specter

Age: 72
Job: Acting City Solicitor
Why he's going to stay: By all accounts I've heard, George Specter has been a competent civil servant and is, to use a borrowed phrase, "a stand up guy."
Why he's going to be fired: If the conspiracy theories swirling around Grant Street are to be believed, the last thing that the Mayor's Office wants is "a stand up guy." If Luke & Co. are planning on doing something, let's say, "not within the standards of, generally held, legal conduct" they're going to want a legal counsel that will give them the OK to do it. Think a yinzer Alberto Gonzales: a loyal General Counsel that can double as a fall guy.
ADB odds: 3:1

Duane Ashley

Age: 54
Job: Citiparks Director
Why he's going to stay: Two reasons: (1) He's black and (2) It's fucking Citiparks and no one cares.
Why he's going to be fired: It's fucking Citiparks and no one cares.
ADB odds: 10:1

Robert McCaughan

Age: 53
Job: Emergency Medical Services Chief
Why he's going to stay: Heck, I didn't even know this was a political bone of contention. I would have assumed that this would have been just another "work-your-way-up" kind of Civil Service job. Besides, I can't actually complain about the EMS service, considering I haven't used it in 20 years.
Why he's going to be fired: Considering that the Police & Fire jobs were apparently plum assignments and are potential union pleasing jobs, the Mayor could see the opportunity to shore up a few extra votes.
ADB Odds: 8:1

Howard A. Stern

Age: 46
Job: City Information Services Director
Why he's going to stay: Again, another job that I didn't really think was a politically sensitive position... unless, of course, the City is still smarting over the PeopleSoft fiasco.
Why he's going to be fired: He's white. He's a guy. He has a job that no one really cares about. However, if he is replaced by a minority or woman, suddenly the mayor shows that he really cares about workforce diversity... even if it is just a token appointment.
ADB Odds: 5:1

Jerry Dettore

Age: 59
Job: Executive Director, Urban Redevelopment Authority
Why he's going to stay: As far as I can tell, Jerry's taken every opportunity to (in public) back the mayor's development decisions. He seems to be falling in line quite nicely to the Ravenstahl "Vision" for the City.
Why he's going to be fired: The URA Executive Director is probably one of the most powerful unelected positions in City Government... and the office is currently held by a lifelong public servant, not a Luke appointee. That kind of responsibility can't be trusted to mere "mortals."
ADB Odds: I was going to give him 2:1 odds, until I saw this article indicating that Mr. Dettore is questioning the Mayor's authority to demand his resignation, which, according to the article, has to come from the (mayoral appointed) URA board. While I love to see a good Bureaucrat vs. Politician throwdown, I'm upping the odds to EVEN.

David G. Onorato

Age: 50
Job: Executive Director, Pittsburgh Parking Authority
Why he's going to stay: Four words: County Executive Dan Onorato. Firing brother Dave would make the Ravenstahl/Onorato joint conferences even more awkward.
Why he's going to be fired: Parking tax is still at 50% and someone needs to take the blame... someone that's unelected, that is.
ADB Odds: 20:1

Gregory Tutsock

Age: 52
Job: Executive Director, Pittsburgh Water & Sewer Authority
Why he's going to stay: Greg, like Jerry Dettore, has been at his authority forever and is intimately involved with every aspect of the organization, including the horrendously complicated EPA/ALCOSAN/DEP/LMNOP consent decree. Besides, there's a whole lot of political strings to be pulled over at PWSA.
Why he's going to be fired: If there's an authority in this list that has been generally held to need a good kick in the ass, it's PWSA.
ADB Odds: 10: 1

Phillipe R. Pettite

Age: 56
Job: Manager of Commission on Human Relations
Why he's going to stay: The irony of firing the black guy who's in charge of assuring that hiring policies are equitable would just be too much, even for this administration.
Why he's going to be fired: He might not "equitable" enough to the right people.
ADB Odds: 5:1

So, that's my take on it. The smart money is on Jerry and Guy, but Barbaro is still a long shot... which despite being a horse, and dead, does not rule him out in this game.

Mayoral Tiger Hunt

OK, look:

I don't care if the Mayor tried to crash an American Express event at the Oakmont Country Club in a misguided attempt to meet Tiger Woods. Seriously. When I was his age, I crashed (or at least attempted to crash) many events at which the security was equally impressive, if not more so.

By the way, and for those of you that were unaware, the Secret Service does not look kindly upon gate crashers. They will fuck you up. I am not kidding. Do not fuck with them. They put nobly things in places that only your doctor or a friend with a safety word dares to probe.

Still, I wasn't the Mayor of a major metropolitan area at the time... or even the mayor of Pittsburgh.

What gets me about this whole event is that, if you believe the rumors, Luke was just trying to meet Tiger Woods. If so, the whole course of events is 100% unacceptable.

Now, if I was Mayor (and, God and several thousand rigged ballot boxes later willing I will be), I would have realized that there would have been a far more simple way to realize this goal:

Step One: Have the previous Mayor die.

Check.

Step Two: Have the local public golf course renamed after former Mayor.

Check.

Step Three: Invite Golf celebrities to help re-dedicate the local public golf course. If they protest, say that there will be free golfing lessons... for children... homeless children... with cancer, or something. Golfers are notorious suckers for stuff like that.

Step Four: Meet Tiger Woods. Get photo with said Mr. Woods... and maybe Ernie Els if he looks lonely.

See, if Bob O'Connor were still alive, he'd have Dick Skrinjar on this assignment so fast it would have made your neck snap back like the 18th hole at Oakmont.

I don't know what that metaphor means, though. I think it has something to do with a Birdie or a Mulligan, or a 4 wood, or something...

The point is: being mayor is better than meeting Tiger Woods. This cannot be proven, but it is. Just like Mt. Everest is, or like being beaten by the Secret Service isn't.

Goodnight!

Random Outburts

It's a sandwich, not a life altering event! Toasted or not-toasted? Now move!

You realize, of course, that this is your job, right? This is what they pay you to do.

Lady, the sign says "Do Not Enter" you can't make a right turn! Now, I don't care, but that rapidly approaching bus might.

You're high on glue aren't you? That's the only explanation for your stupidity, short of massive brain trauma.

Why did you think that was my job? Do you even have the remotest concept of what I do, or were you mashing buttons on your phone at random?

How hard did you have to work to rise to this level of incompetance?

You suck!

Your lips are saying "I can help," but your eyes are saying, "I need to be beaten senseless."

You! Make a decision! Shit or get off the pot!

Ah! I didn't realize that it was my day to deal with the circus freaks.

In this country, it's called a "side walk", not a "side stand" or a "side block-other-people."

You are a pompous waste of air in a poorly tailored suit!

Only three words can describe what you just did: Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

Why couldn't your parents have "just been friends" instead?

I... no, it would take too long to explain what is wrong with you.

Yes, I look like I care, but you look like a person who doesn't know when they're wrong.

I'm going to have to stop you there: my doctor tells me I'm only supposed to get 30 milligrams of stupid per day.

Get out of my way, already!

No, no, no that's not the floor you're looking for.

Explain to me again why it's my job to bail you out of your problems?

Who are you and how did you get my number?

You... you... ah, hell! Just fuck off already!

Tag(s): Outbursts

A Treatise on Weather

In which the author

"O"

the self titled

Angry Drunk Bureaucrat

discuffes the intracacies of the recent

Changing Weather Patterns

in and around the

Pittsburgh Region

Fit the First

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON OUTSIDE? I MEAN, FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST! IT WAS FUCKING 70 DEGREES ON TUESDAY, AND NOW I HAVE TO SHOVEL 3 FUCKING INCHES OF SLEET, SNOW, ICE AND SHIT OFF MY DRIVEWAY. I THOUGHT WE WERE FUCKING FINISHED WITH THIS IN MID MARCH!

I'M GOING TO KICK WINTER'S ASS FOR THIS.

Fin.

Tag(s): Snow

ADB Commissions Special Study on Pittsburgh Studies

Christ, not this shit again:

Pittsburgh Councilman William Peduto, a mayoral candidate, introduced legislation today to study how to encourage development in city neighborhoods.

"The redevelopment of our neighborhoods is integral to the future vitality of our city," he said in a press release. "We must carefully study the economic impact of any new program to ensure that we are using the appropriate tool to address the problem."

Mr. Peduto wants the city to spend as much as $10,000 for a study that would be conducted by Steve Zecher, a former city development official who is now a consultant based in Israel.

For the love of GOD! WOULD EVERYONE PLEASE STOP DOING FUCKING STUDIES ON WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE CITY OF PITTSBURGH!

Seriously. This is getting out of hand. Does it seem to anybody else that this region is pathologically obsessed with eternal naval gazing? Can we not undertake a policy without it being examined, re-examined, having the examination examined, and then having the examination of the examination re-examined? Have we been reduced to municipal Hamlets*, afraid of acting without deep reflection until everyone lies dead around us and the Norwegian crown prince has taken over?

At this point is it a search for real practical wisdom in the Aristotelian sense, or is it just merely pseudo-intellectual masturbation?

And if it is the latter, it better damn well come with a box of Kleenex.

---
*No pun intended.

Tag(s): Rant

An Open Letter to Jim Motznik

Dear Councilman Motznik,

Most of the time these open letters are scathing rebukes to unnamed persons, countries, or states of mind and not narrowly focused on one specific, identifiable person. In this case, however, we figured we'd make an exception. We and, indeed, nearly everyone in the Pittsburgh Online Community (the "Burghosphere" as it is occasionally, affectionately called) has noticed your little foray into online publishing world. We have also noted the use of this medium to attack critics of... well... we're not quite sure of "what" yet, but we get the feeling that it somehow devolves back to you. Still, now that you have made yourself known to this virtual community and, before you begin putting up "hit counters" or "blogrolls" or sign up for Pittsburgh Bloggers, we have one small nugget of wisdom for you Councilman that may save you years of embarrassment:

GET OUT!

This is not a threat, by the way; this is a well thought out, reasonable piece of advice.

You are not in Kansas anymore, Dorothy. The simple rules of etiquette that you may have experienced in "the Real World" do not apply anymore. You are not a City Councilman anymore, just a douche with a keyboard and a cable modem... just like the millions of other douches with keyboards and cable modems. These millions of other douches have no regard for civility, niceties, or pleasantries. They are a vicious pack of dogs (Douche-hounds, if you would) salavating over the mailman that just walked through the gate. This will not end well for you.

We must say that you've actually gone out of your way to rile up some of the more antagonistic elements of the Burghosphere. We wonder if you are the kind of person that willingly throws rocks at hornets nests, waves red flags at bulls, or flicks Andy Sheehan's love spuds with a wet towel. These are not the kinds of things that sensible men (or women) do.

I mean seriously, you drew attention to a story that was already winding down. If you had just let the thing die, it would have. Instead, we have another news cycle of this pap about Luke and teh cops. You're the awful student in the back of class screaming "Teacher, you didn't assign us any homework yet!" If you and Luke are supposed to be "friends," the Mayor should seriously consider making you an enemy, if for no other reason than for safety.

And, of course, you decided to sink your newly found cybermedia chops into John MacIntyre, a man who is now almost complete bereft of media empire. Fester has more media pull than John these days. Jim, you could have called Rich Lord or your friends in the real media and said that you thought that something was up, but instead you go shooting your damned mouth off. Now you look like a yutz, which does not bode well for your cyber ambitions.

We noticed that you have not enabled comments on your blog as of yet, probably, one would suppose, in hopes of staving off the vicious commentary that would surely ensue. You may have thought that this would have solved the problem, but, in reality, you've just moved the discussion to other more seedy venues, of which you have no control. Eventually someone will come up with a parody blog "Jim Motznik Speaks Up" or "Jim Motznik Eats Puppies" or "Jizz Shitsprick Comes Out" or something like that. It won't be pretty for you, but the parody blog will have 10x the content and quality, and probably show a continual loop of the video of you running from the television cameras, and will thus draw more readers than your blog.

And then one day, some old, blue haired constituent will ask you at bingo "So why did you change your name to Jizz Shitsprick?"

But most important of all, and one that any person in your position should have figured out long ago: what you post here is now public record. In real life, you can avoid the cameras, set up spin doctors, or deny that what you said was what you said. In this world of blogs, you have effectively committed your words for eternity. You can't get them back now; someone's already cached them somewhere. When you least expect it, they will be dredged up and thrown in your face like sewage (you know what that is, right?).

Moreover, Councilman, you had to drop the S-word in your first post. Now, for those anonymous bloggers out there, it doesn't really matter. You, however, are a public figure! You remember when Cheney called that reporter a "Major League Asshole" or when he told a Senator to "Go Fuck Himself?" You do not have the latitude of the Vice President of the United States of America. You are the Councilman that represents all those bingo-playing blue-haired grannies in Overbrook. While, I'm sure that they've uttered a profane word or two in their lives, now they are going to be continually reminded that you are a dirty, dirty potty-mouth.

And finally, Jim: you may not realize this, but there are a whole lot of people on these here interwebs that survive on nothing more than blood. Your blood. My blood. Anyone's blood. Unless you are willing to go toe-to-toe with these psychopathic blogging machines day in and day out, you will fail.... and the bloggers will just be having fun.

So run along home before you get yourself hurt.

Sincerely,
O
The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat

Tag(s): Open Letter, Jim Motznik

State of the Union 2007

Some thoughts on last night's State of the Union:

• The "Madame Speaker" thing at the beginning was a nice touch. It doesn't hurt to suck up to the hostess. Although, it's not really nice to co-opt large chunks of her agenda, pretend that you really intend to do something about it, and present some lame ass version of your own. Emily Post says that's rude. Next time, George should just bring Jello salad.
  
• Pelosi, it appeared, was sending out Morse Code messages via blinking. I didn't catch all of it, but I think it spelled out B-U-L-L-S-H-I-... something.
• Cheney's left side of his face looked odd; I couldn't tell if he was smirking or if he was having a stroke. Maybe both.
  
• At one point it looked like Pelosi was kicking Cheney under the desk... and Cheney liked it.
• "The Economy is on the move", but so is a brick tossed out of an airplane.
  
• President George Bush telling us to increase fiscal discipline is like 30 yr old George Bush telling us we have "a bit of a drinking problem".
  
• Notice that both Cheney and Bush drank water at the same time.
• What the hell does the President have to do with eliminating earmarks? Pardon me a moment, but isn't that the job of, let's say, the legislative branch? Separation of powers? Hello?!? School House Rock Georgie-boy!
  
• How did the Junior Senator from Pennsylvania score a seat next to Hillary and behind Obama? That's primo TV space, and it went to Bob Casey Jr?
  
• Global warming is now a problem? Next they'll be telling us that the Earth isn't 6,000 years old.
  
• The Iraq portion of the speech was like the 20 minute drum solo in the middle of In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida, except the drum solo can be entertaining.
  
• John Warner and Arlen Specter looked less amused than usual.
  
• "Civilian Reserve Corps" or as they used to call it: Haliburton.
  
• Things seemed to be going along well until the special guest star appearances, when it seemed that the White House segue writer had been sacked.
• Dikembe Mutombo needs to sit the fuck down before he goes over the railing.
  
• This State of the Union brought was brought to you in part by Disney and "Baby Einstein." Wha?
  
• Wesley Autrey sends much love to the POTUS and a shout out to all his peeps.
  

And for those of you that were counting, here's the final score:
Terror/ist/ism/izing or some variation thereof: 22 Occurrences
September 11th or 9/11 reference: 5 Occurrences
Al Qaida: 10 Occurrences
Freedom: 3 Occurrences
Democracy: 4 Occurrences
Osama bin Laden: 1 Occurrence
Saddam Hussein: 0 Occurrences

Good Night, and may God bless America.

Additional: Sen. Webb needs a neck.

Tag(s): 2007 State of the Union

An Open Letter to Client #300

Dear Client #300:

In regards to your complaint letter of earlier this week, we at The Bureaucracy believe that we can correct the situation that you described in one of two ways.

The first option involves unicorns that fart magical rainbows and elves that grant our every wish. With gentle cajoling and some kind words, we may be able to build a fairy workshop that creates miracles. Then, if we go down to the wishing pond and give three coins to the mystical Mr. Tuggles, he'll be able to give us the pixie dust necessary to power the fair workshop.

The second option involves you correcting this situation on your own, yourself.

Bear with me as I explain something to you, as I'm sure you're all ready with a rainbow farting unicorn, and pay attention, because this concerns you:

THIS IS NOT MY FUCKING JOB!

Whatever it is you're asking me to do, I don't do that and I am not responsible for it in any sense. In fact, your complaint falls into no job category anywhere in The Bureaucracy and possibly no where within the Government(s) of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania. What you have described is a situation between you and someone else, not the Government and certainly not me. If you have a problem with this person, you need act like a responsible adult and talk face to face with this other human being. Don't get me involved; it is not my job.

When you asked in your letter, "What are you going to do about this?" I have a very good answer, but I'm afraid that it is physically impossible for you, as you seem to already have your head crammed firmly up that orifice. So, I'm going to fall back on an old chestnut instead and say "Nothing."

If you have any other problems, please feel free to throw yourself under a bus and do us all a favor.

Sincerely,

"O"
The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat

Tag(s): Rant

Retroactive Immunity

Saw this little video on CNN that's also been floating around teh internets and, frankly, it (a) pissed the hell out of me, (b) scared the fuck out of me, and (c) caused me to break several objects that were at hand.



I can't begin to describe the wrongness with this administration, so I'll let you all do it for yourself. Otherwise, I'll just descend into a profanity laden, mouth-foaming rant.

It really angers me, though.


Tag(s): Bush, CNN

Anger (pt 1)

As Ms. Monongahela notes over at her place, anger and drunkeness are not mutually exclusive. We've noticed, however, that this blog spends an awful lot of time talking about Bureaucracy and Drinking, and awfully little time talking about Anger. We do not wish to give the impression to our loyal readership (all five of them) that we are not a pent up ball of fury.

Indeed, we are filled with the kind of rage that would have put that good night of Dylan Thomas back on Standard Time.

So, I've put aside tonight's filing, cracked open a beer, and present some of the things (in no particular order) that piss me off:

• "Apple-tinis", "Chocolate Martinis", and other "-ini" drinks of their ilk - A Martini can be Vodka or Gin; Straight-up or On the Rocks... that's it. Everything else is a fucking bastard drink.
  
• Commercials with too Much Subtext - I don't want to spend 30 seconds trying to figure out why Dad isn't invited on the goddamned weekend car trip or why the interracial couple has adopted hispanic children.
  
• Atlas Shrugged, by Ayn Rand - A fucking waste of paper for people who act like self-righteous assholes.
  
• Supposedly Educated People that Say Words Like "Irregardless" or "Axe" (instead of "ask") - Stop sounding like a fucking idiot!
  
• Whoever Has Been Stealing my Shit - I will fucking shoot you with my Government issued crossbow!
• People That Have Somehow Gotten Hold of My Email Address - No, I can't solve you immediately urgent problem: that's not my job... it's not even my department... or my agency. Do you even KNOW my fucking job?
  
• Children - I swear to God, if you don't settle down, I will give you something to cry about.
  
• Parents - The above is your fault, you realize. I will also give you something to cry about when I rip off those parts that created those little hell spawn.
  
• Anything with the Word "Freedom" in its Name - If you really had "freedom" would you really need reminded all the time. Sort of like the guys that drive Hummers: if you had a huge penis, you wouldn't need to advertise that your penis was huge.
  
• People from Outside the City of Pittsburgh that Call Themselves "Pittsburghers" - Hey! I suffered through the Murphy administration, and you're from fucking Wexford!
  
• The Borough of Mt. Oliver - Pricks!
• "Popped Collars" on Golf Shirts - It looked like shit in the 80s, why do you think that it looks good now?
  
• Whatever Has Been Eating My Garden - Just look what happened to the asshole that was stealing my shit.
  
• The Weak Dollar - Takes away half of the charm of a cheap Canadian vacation.
  

OK, that's all for now. I'm too pissed off to continue. More in Part 2.

Carthaginem esse Delendam

Last week Leadership Pittsburgh came out with their post-graduate thesis on merging the City of Pittsburgh with Allegheny County. The P-G had dueling op-ed pieces on the topic pro and con. The "pro-side" argues that "it will enable us to create, plan and execute our economic and social development more simply and with one consensus voice", while the "con-side" argues that the regional problems "can be found in the pervasive unionism that determines the business climate as well as a regulatory climate that treats businesses as villains and unions as heroes." While certainly the problems in the Western Pennsylvania region are not limited to the delimitation of municipal boundaries and certainly the sheer number of municipal boundaries is staggering, both sides in this argument are missing a very important point and one that needs to be mentioned here:

The Borough of Mount Oliver must be destroyed utterly.

I recognize that among my municipal colleagues, this may sound like an extreme position, but consider the following statistics:

Mt. Oliver Borough
Size: .3 sq. mi., located entirely within the borders of the City of Pittsburgh
Population: 3,970
Taxes: 2%, paid to the City of Pittsburgh
School District: City of Pittsburgh

So, you have this piddly-assed little pseudo-suburb, wedged in the City of Pittsburgh, leaching off of our economic development and public services. It's almost like its some sort of urban Switzerland awaiting a Pittsburgh Von Trappe family. Or worse, it's like Vatican City without the culture or men in funny hats. Or worse still, it's like San Marino without... well... fuck only knows.* Mount Oliver is a festering boil on the taint of the Pittsburgh Southern Neighborhoods; a boil, that needs to be lanced.

Mount Oliver serves no purpose except to make the cartographer in Pittsburgh's Department of City Planning cry. Same goes for Baldwin**, trying to muscle in on access to the Monongahela River for a total frontage of about 12 ft. These are affronts to the integrity of our borders.

We must annex Mount Oliver as it is rightfully and historically part of the Pittsburgh Fatherland. This is the only way that we can maintain peace in our time.

That is the true point of City annexation.
--
* As far as I know, the only point of San Marino actually existing is that Carmen San Deigo needed a place to hide.
** And it's not even Steven Baldwin.

Open Letter to Client #430

Dear Client #430,

Since I began working on your project four years ago, I have noticed a wellspring of antipathy bubbling up from inside of me. At first I believed that this was merely a kneejerk reaction to this assignment, which I judged to be risky, but not imprudent. As the months went on, however, I began to realize that the problem that I had initially, if impulsively, identified was not the project, but you.

Yes, you. And I'm tired of you.

I am tired of you calling me, asking for documents that do not exist and complaining to my superiors that I have not gotten you what you need.

I am tired of you not knowing what you "need" in the first place.

I am tired of you going over my head, my superiors' heads, and their superiors' heads in order to get your petty demands met.

I am tired of you claiming that you have accomplished "all this work" when in reality you have accomplished nothing of importance.

I am tired of you calling me again, asking for documents that still do not exist, and complaining to my superiors again that I have still not gotten you what you need.

I am tired of your ignorance, your sociopathy, and your manic mood swings.

I am tired of you berating me for "lying to you," even though I have not.

I am tired of you berating my employees as being "unqualified".

I am tired of you berating my age, sex, and gender.

I am tired of you berating me and The Bureaucracy in public meetings.

I am tired of your complaining about the pace of your project, even though you do not have the resources to accomplish it yourself.

I am tired of you bringing new and exciting ways to screw up your own project and allowing me to migitgate the disasters that you do not even know that you have occured.

I am tired of you going to the media about every perceived slight, real or imagined.

I am tired of the way that you so readily subsititute reality for your own personal delusions.

I am tired of your blissful ignorance of my other clients' projects and their position in the queue ahead of your project.

I am tired of the work that we've had to do to train you and the offhanded way that you've dismissed us.

I am tired of your claims that the city/county/state is out to get you and that councilperson/mayor/representative will get back at me.

I am tired of the long rambling phone calls in which you say nothing or ask incoherrant questions.

I am tired of explaining what's really going on to mystified third parties that you have engaged.

I am tired of your stupidity.

I am tired of your persecution complex.

I am tired of your expectation of me to drop whatever I'm doing and attend to your "crisis" of the moment.

I am tired of the councilpersons/mayors/representatives that call me and my superiors on your behalf to complain, but only so that they can tell you that they "talked to us."

I am tired of you calling me for the third time, demanding documents that still do not exist and will not exist in the immediate future, and complaining to my superiors again that I have still not gotten you what you need.

But mostly, I'm tired of you, your project, and this lingering air of professionality that I have been able to maintain until this point, as you blindly slash and burn all the bridges you have crossed. You do not realize this, but out of all the people in, not only The Bureaucracy, but The City as well, I am the only one who has continued to work with you. You are damned lucky I even consider returning your phone calls.

From now on, you will act in a more respectful way and show me and my coworkers the professional courtsey that we deserve as public servants. If you do not, you will find your self abandoned and alone with your project filed neatly within the bowels of my shredder.

But most of all: go fuck yourself.

Sincerely,

"O"

Fun with Federal Fraud

Word of advice to Tom Cousar, don't f' with the Pentagon. Voila:

A prominent McKeesport contractor who worked on the Pentagon rebuilding project, PNC Park and the Petersen Events Center at the University of Pittsburgh has been charged with 39 federal counts of defrauding all three projects by padding bills and labor costs for more than $1 million.

Named in the indictment were Capco Contracting owner Thomas J. Cousar and two top employees, Catherine L. Bradica, who oversaw the company's finances, and Daniel D. Monte, project supervisor. Also indicted was Joseph Arena Jr., senior project manager for AMEC, the Maryland-based main contractor on the Pentagon project.

I remember Capco from this article and this announcement.

Seriously, what the f' were they thinking trying to defraud the Pentagon? This people have GUNS! MISSLES! HATS! LOOK WHAT THEY DID TO IRAQ! DON'T THINK THEY WON'T FUCK YOU THE SAME WAY!!

Second word of advice to Mr. Cousar: cover your cornhole in federal prison.

Swann Song

Allow me to add my voice to those that are unimpressed by Lynn Swann's candidacy for Governor.  [Yawn]

 

Swann's credentials are as follows: Inductee into the Pro-Football Hall of Fame, which, to be fair, reads better than Bill Scranton's credentials.  Sure he was Lt. Governor, but how many receptions did he make? 

 

But on the other hand, Swann's candidacy kinda pisses me off...

Jesse Ventura

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Fred Thompson

Sony Bono

Ronald Reagan

That Dude from "Love Boat"... I think that we should just make it obligatory that you have to first be famous to run for anything. 

 

City Councilman? Not a chance.

Political Scientist?  No thank you.

Bureaucrat?  Fuck off!

Movie Star?  Congratulations Congressman!

 

Think of the millions of dollars campaigns could save in advertising alone!  No need anymore to "get your name out there."  Now all you need is some 8mm, a shitty soundtrack, and some Indie Director willing to let you expose a nipple on camera and you are a CANDIDATE, BABY!  No boring positions, no platforms, no issues, or ideas... just a good face or name, and probably some weird sex tape.

 

While we're at it, why don't we just write it into the frickin' Constitution?

Article 28: No candidate for elected office may serve if he has a Q-Rating of less than 5 or has appeared on E! less than 25 times. 

On the plus side, however, this would allow me to capitalize on my, well documented, tawdry escapades with Tara Reid.   I hope to pull at least 336 E!-lectorial votes. 

It's Morning in Pittsburgh

Did go down to see the O'Connor swearing at... er.. in.   Here are some reflections:  

• Prior to getting downstairs, I heard the choir warming up, but because of the echo downtown, it sounded like the "Jupiter and Beyond the Infinite" sequence from 2001.  Very, very strange and eerie.   
• I'm tired of the "bridge" metaphor for Bob O'Connor; even the Bishop used it.  Everything is a damned "bridge" over something, across something, or through something... although I suppose in that last case it would be a "tunnel," but whatever. 
• Dang! Murphy got a cold reception.  I could feel my nipples perk up.  It sounded like O'Connor was Tommy's only friend in the crowd.   
• I appreciate Bob's optimism; I can only hope he has follow through.  He does seem motivated to "get things done," but I wonder how long it will take before he hits a major road block.  
• He seemed to stumble over the math analogy: "suppose you have to manage your household with $100... and $30 of that goes to public safety and firefighting."  I don't know about Bob's personal household budget, but I spend way less than $30 on public safety and firefighting at my house.   
• The new mayor launched into a litany of all the people he was going to work with (Governor, Oversight Board, Act 47 Committee, Onorato, etc.), which may be indicative of some of the problems he's going to face in the coming four years.  
• Bob wants to motivate city employees.  Here's a free hint: pay them better. 
• Bob wants more talent in city government.  Here's another free hint: pay employees better. 
• I fucking hate the expression "redd up" to describe cleaning.  Makes us yinzers sound like morons.     
• Rendell came out swinging like he was at a fundraiser.  When's Eddie running for Governor again...?  Anyone?  Anyone?  Bueller?
• There are advantages to working in and around local government.  Primary among them is that you know where all the shortcuts and secret passages are... specifically when it involves getting to the front of the free food line. 

So... it's Bob's baby now.  He's the big man.  The top gun.  The numero uno. The big cheese.  The head honcho... etc.    

 

Five hours in so far, and not much has changed, but I'm waiting for the pink slip to come in.

 

To be continued... 

BREAKING NEWS....

OK, I don't watch local news... well... ever, but did I just see what I thought I saw?

 

A promo for a medical report on KDKA about "just how dangerous those icy sidewalks really are."

 

IT'S ICE! 

 

I REPEAT:

 

IT'S FUCKING ICE! 

IT IS SLIPPERY! 

IT IS DANGEROUS!

 

Idiots.  Anyone who needs anything more than that needs to remove themselves from the gene pool.

 

I'm going to go read the directions on the back of my package of "wet-naps" and weep for the future of humanity. 

Of Bread, Circuses, and Arenas to Hold Both

Fester, through some freak nexus in teh INTARWEB, posted over at Comments From Left Field on Rendell's comments regarding potential tradeoffs on a new Arena. 

 

In sum: $90,000,000 could buy you an arena or new sewers.  Take your pick. 

 

Of course the opportunity cost isn't the only factor here.  There's also the existence value of a new arena, namely, how much value would the citizens of Western Pennsylvania find in just knowing that there's a new arena in town or just knowing that they are keeping the Penguins around. 

 

Basically, it's the same question as: how much money would you pony up to save ANWR?  Given my recent track record, I would say that my answer to that is, unfortunately, $0.00.  I did, however, give money to support local arts and culture, so you can see where my proprities lay: fuck the elk. 

 

I don't really mean that, but my donation patterns reflect that sentiment. 

 

So anyway, here's the question, and it is a difficult question to answer, "How much money would you be willing to give voluntarily to ensure that a new arena is built?" 

 

If you do the calculations right, you need to come up with some god-awful number to balance out the Cost-Benefit equation of local, public funding.  Something like eleventy bagillion dollars.  That's a lot really; my calculator doesn't go that high.   

 

Point is this: in order to sufficiently justify the spending of public dollars on an arena project, there needs to be a whole lot of intangible benefits to make the equation work, or it needs to be part of a larger project in which these costs are subsumed by larger benefits.

 

Moreover: I need that $90,000,000 to help pay off the increase in my health care costs.... but that's a later rant.