Corbett Proposes Privatization of Governor's Office

Harrisburg - Governor Tom Corbett is seeking proposals from firms to privatize the day-to-day operations of the Governor's office in order to maximize savings to taxpayers.  

In a statement released today, Mr. Corbett said "For too long Government has been in charge of running its own operations at the expense of the taxpayer.  Today, we're taking a bold step in removing Government from, not only people's lives, but from Government itself."  

The Governor's announcement comes on the heels of a request for proposals for the private administration of the Pennsylvania Lottery, the Privatization of the PA Turnpike, the proposed privatization of the State Liquor Stores, the Privatization of Commonwealth Oil & Gas rights, the elimination of the Department of Conservation and Natural Resources, the selling of the City of Du Bois to Range Resources Inc., and the purchase of the naming rights of the State Capitol (now known as the Comcast Capitol Center).  

The request for proposals covers nearly all aspects of the duties of the Governor's office, with the apparent exception of the Governor himself.  It is unclear if policy decisions will also be sub-contracted, or if they will remain with the State Oil & Gas Lobby.  

John Fogarty, Vice President at the Heritage Foundation, applauded Governor Corbett's actions.  

"Republicans have always said that Government just does not work; Mr. Corbett is proving that point.  The more that Government gets out of the business of government, the freer Pennsylvanians will be to chose a government that does not work for them."  

Among those firms potentially interested in the possibility of providing Governor's Office services are Xe, Accenture Ltd., Tyco International Ltd., and PwC Consulting Ltd., all of which have a long history of quality subcontracting services to other Government and Private agencies.  

Critics of the Governor in the State Legislature have voiced concerns that this proposal would unnecessarily add a level of management and open up the Governor's office for graft and corruption, or at least more so. 

Mr. Corbett, however, remains adamant about his choice of privatization.

"It doesn't take an idiot to see that by privatizing public goods, corporations can make money.  How anyone can be opposed to the freedom to make money, is beyond me."  

The Governor is also expected to announce the privatization of 4/10ths of what's left of his intellect and his immortal soul in the coming days.  

Democrats Should Renominate Doyle for Congress

This is the first in a series of endorsements for contested races in the April 24th primary.

Mike Doyle has been a member of the U.S. House of Representatives for 18 years, but his focus remains outside the Washington Beltway and on the hunting and killing of vampires in Western Pennsylvania.

Congressman Doyle, 58, of Forest Hills, faces political newcomer Janis C. Brooks in the Democratic primary and, if successful, will confront another neophyte in the fall, Republican Hans Lessmann, as well as vampires, zombies and some kind of mutant fish-person in the Spring. The boundaries of Mr. Doyle's 14th Congressional District long been a haven for the undead, since George Romero's film Night of the Living Dead documented the extent of the evil incursion into the region.

Mr. Doyle has been a hard-working slayer for Pittsburgh, defending the City against warlock and hell beast alike. His recent work with the League of Assassins to quel the sharp spike in demonic possessions in Friendship has won him state-wide acclaim, and possibly a movie deal. The Congressmen's work to rehabilitate Zombies and return them to productive society has also been recognized for its forward-thinkingness.

On the national level, he opposes the House Republican budget proposal and all other similar pacts with The Dark Lord, which Mr. Doyle said would "eviscerate" the country's social services and bring about the resurgence of the Beast, in preparation for a thousand year rule by the Anti-Christ. Mr. Doyle's has said publically that he opposes the subjugation of the United States to the will of Satan.

Mr. Doyle's seniority on the powerful House Energy and Commerce Committee means that he is well positioned to head the prominent House Evil and Undead Subcommittee, should the Democrats take control of the chamber in the fall. He has stood up to members of the Tea Party and has burnt their entrails on an altar of bones, in accordance with the Prophecy.

Ms. Brooks, who holds a doctorate from the University of Pittsburgh's Graduate School of Public and International Affairs, but has no experience in defeating the Minions of the Gaping Maw of Evil, located just south of Bridgeville PA.

She said she agrees with Mr. Doyle on most issues but says if elected, she "would complete her Slayer training in record time." That's laudable but not enough to trump his record, experience, or dead shot with a silver tipped crossbow.

ADB backs Mike Doyle for the Democratic nomination.

Breaking News: Sidney Crosby Assassinated on Ice at Consol Arena

In an unfortunate end to a promising career, Penguin's Captain Sidney Crosby was assassinated on the ice at Consol Arena by a mob of angry teammates.

Crosby, who had been planning his return to the ice following a long recovery from a concussion, was approached by a group of his teammates led by defenseman Deryk Engelland as he walked into the arena for a scheduled group skate.

Tempers flared as Engelland pressed Crosby not to return to play for the good of the team. As Crosby moved to adjust his equipment, he was stabbed in the back with a sharpened hockey stick, at first by Engelland and then by the cohort of conspirators. The final blow was laid by Crosby's own mentee, James Neal.

Sidney Crosby's reported last words were "You too, eh? The down goes The Kid."

Center Evgeni Malkin, who was delayed from coming to the skate by other members of the conspiracy, did not arrive on the ice until after Crosby was already dead.

Reports indicate that Crosby had been forewarned of the assassination attempt several days previously by a fan camped out in front of the arena, who was shouting at him to "Beware the 15th of March, n'at."

The conspirators later took to FoxSports Pittsburgh to explain that they murdered Crosby to prevent him from being a drag on the team, to free up money to hire new players, and to prevent him from declaring himself "Team Captain For Life".

The conspirators are expected to face a game misconduct each, and will be fined by league Commissioner Gary Bettman.

Malkin, for his part, hopes to persuade the NHL and fans that a more severe punishment should be meeted out. He hopes that friends, owners, and countrymen will lend him their ears tonight on ESPN2, where he hopes to defend Crosby's legacy.

More as this story develops.

Uteruses Could Be Seized for "Public Purposes" Under New Bill

Harrisburg - A bill currently making its way through the Pennsylvanis House Committee for Mining, Community Development, and Banking would extend municipal powers of eminent domain over women's uteruses if women were not making the highest and best use of their lady parts.

The bill's sponsor, Rep. Mike Turzai (R-McCandles Twp) spoke at a committee hearing yesterday in support of the bill.

"Too often we find that women are using their sexual organs, not for reproduction in the service of the expansion of he human race, but rather for enjoyment and recreation. This kind of wanton behavior must be curtailed. This bill would expand the powers of the community to help women put their uteruses to better use."

Joining Rep. Turzai at the hearing were a half-dozen members of the clergy and representatives of religious organizations, including the President of The Catholic University of America John Garvey, who chastised women for their sexual wiles.

"I would have thought that young women would have a civilizing influence on young men. Yet the causal arrow seems to run the other way. Young women are trying to keep up—and young men are encouraging them," said Mr. Garvey. "Frankly, if women don't know how to use their organs, we're going to have to tell them."

Under the bill, uteruses could be seized upon a finding of "blight" by the municipal planning department. Blight, under the bill, is defined as any uterus that is an "attractive nuisance, detractive nuisance, unsanitary, unsafe, vacant, abandoned, or tax delinquent". Women who do not put their uteruses to a "highest and best use" risk having hm seized by he local government and potentially conveyed to private developers or otherwise used for public purposes.

This bill is one of the most recent attempts by legislatures across the nation to regulate reproductive freedom, although it goes further than nearly every other proposed law, with the exception of Oklahoma's prohibition against interaction with menstrating women, which was backed by biblical scholars from Liberty University.

The National Organization for Women immediately denounced the bill as "setting back gender equality by decades" while Presidential candidate Rick Santorum called it "a good start."

State House Passes Dog Drivers License Bill

Harrisburg - State lawmakers today approved a bill that would mandate drivers licenses for all dogs within the Commonwealth.  The bill now advances to the desk of Governor Tom Corbett who has indicated that he intends to sign it.

The bill was narrowly approved on a near party line vote after a contentious debate over the last week.  Two Republicans crossed the aisle to join with Democrats to oppose the bill.

Beginning in July, dog owners will be required to prove that their pet is proficient in operating automobiles, trucks, motorcycles, and most other motor vehicles.  Under an amendment from Rep. Dick L. Hess of Bedford County, dogs will not be required to have a license to operate ATVs.

After July, any dog caught driving in the Commonwealth will be fined, but given 30 days to obtain a valid driver license.

Democrats and the ASPCA have come out against the bill, calling it "frivolous", "a solution in search of a problem, and "grossly biased in favor of cats."

"What we have here is an overreach by the Majority Party in the State House," said Rep. Deborah Kula in an afternoon press conference.  "Instead of focusing on fixing roads & bridges, curbing drunk driving, or providing money to fund mass transit, the Republicans are passing bills that are fundamentally onerous to Pennsylvania's citizens."

In a written statement from the House Speaker, Rep. Sam Smith (R-66) said that "today the legislature has helped to solve a very real problem that has occurred and caused fatal accidents on Pennsylvanian roads not fewer than one times in the last twenty years.  Who could reasonably argue that unlicensed dogs should be allowed to dive on State roads?"

The Animal Rescue League of Western Pennsylvania has indicated that it would file a lawsuit to block the implementation of the law if signed.

Fitzgerald Taps Insider to Run Health Department

Wasting little time to name a replacement for longtime County Health Department Executive Director Dr. Bruce Dixon, Allegheny County Chief Executive Rich Fitzgerald today announced the promotion of food safety mascot Browney the Burger to head the agency.

At a noontime press conference, Mr. Fitzgerald praised Mr. The Burger's long time service to the ACHD and called him "the right face for the future of the department."

Mr. The Burger was initially hired by the Health Department in 1990, as part of its "If it's pink in the middle, it's cooked too little" meat safety campaign. Following the completion of the campaign, he later became the spokesman for the "If it's brown flush it down" sewage awareness campaign, and then the early 2000 "Meat-like tumors are no humor" campaign, both of which were widely considered to be failures.

Pictured: Mr. The Burger in a 1993 photo with unnamed "Companions"

Photo courtesy of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette

Mr. Fitzgerald has previously indicated that he was looking for a new executive director that could more easily respond to large, County wide health issues including combined sewer overflow & storm water management, air quality, and food safety. The outgoing Mr. Dixon had ruffled many feathers throughout the county, made little progress on these issues, and was generally seen as being a marked man. Mr. The Burger's resume would seem to indicate that he is an ideal candidate to replace Mr. Dixon.

The selection, however, is not purely a matter of qualifications, nor is it without its modicum of controversy.

Since 1995, Mr. The Burger has been the State Democratic Party treasurer, and instrumental in securing Mr. Fitzgerald's election to the the Chief Executive Office. Moreover, Mr. The Burger is widely recognized as a food safety expert, appearing on cable news frequently to provide expert opinions. He is generally known as a brash, outspoken, egotistical local personality, who personally threatened several several local reporters.

In 2005, Mr. The Burger was the subject of an investigation by the US Attorney's Office for stealing FDA rejected meat for use in a class he taught at the University of Pittsburgh food safety class.

Despite this checkered history, however, Mr. The Burger is expected to receive swift confirmation by both the ACHD board and County Council.

ADB Sr. Meat Related Mascot Correspondent MH contributed to this report

Quantum Candidate Surges in Poll Ahead of Super Tuesday Vote

(Reuters) Columbus OH - A Washington outsider has captured the attention of registered Republicans in nine states ahead of tomorrow's Super Tuesday primary, despite being an unknown and inside of a sealed box.

The Candidate, who's name remains unknown, has appeared at nearly 100 campaign stops from Ohio to Georgia, speaking on no issues and offering no policy positions. In a written statement, his or her campaign staff has said that the candidates "loves his county, hates his country's enemies, believes that kittens are cute and that this is the greatest nation on Earth." Such statements have vaulting the candidate in polls, leading Mitt Romney by 10 points.

The Quantum Campaign, as it's being called, was developed by University of South Dakota Political Scientists, who were seeking to explain certain policy positions that, if observed one way, seemed to contradict policy positions as fewer from another angle. The result of the experiment lead to a Candidate which, when observes, holds an infinite number of policy positions.

"You see," says Dr. W. Karl H. Eisenberg of USD, "as long as the candidate's views are hidden from the public, everyone can agree with him (or her). However, as soon as anything is known about the candidate, a segment of the electorate will be immediately turned off."

"This guy speaks to me," says retired plumber's assistant Sam Wurzelbacher. "He's strong against terror, stands against moral turpitude, and for a strong military. I'll gladly vote for him."

A local organic food co-op manager named only "Moon" had similar sentiments: "She's supports individual freedom, she's against corporate corruption, and she wants us to improve upon our social conditions. I'd gladly cross party lines to vote for her."

In response to the sudden challenge from an outside, the other GOP candidates have sought to counter the Candidate's strategy. Mitt Romney has begun to portray himself on both sides of every issue, being both in favor and against birth control, government healthcare, and corporate bailouts. Newt Gingrich has come our against everything, including civil rights, slavery, and gravity, while cynically supporting all. Rick Santorum has actually come out against the last 500 years of Western history, while Ron Paul only supports things he saw while hallucinating on mescaline.

The Quantum Candidate expects to go well in tomorrow's primary, unless someone opens his/her box or the cat dies.

Pittsburgh City Planning Misplaces Neighborhood

In a secret memo obtained by The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat, the Director of the City of Pittsburgh Department of Planning admits that her department has "misplaced" the Neighborhood of Chartiers City.

The memo, written by Director Noor Ismail to Mayoral Chief of Staff Yarone Zober outlines a series of events over the last three weeks that led to the realization that an entire neighborhood was missing.

On January 16, 2012 City Planning Staff made an attempt to survey the basic conditions of the Chartiers City neighborhood as part of the overall PlanPgh initiative. The staff members, who are not named tried to access the neighborhood attempted to travel down Chartiers Avenue from Sheraden, however, found themselves in McKees Rocks, rather than Chartiers City. They made a second attempt, this time from Windgap, but again, found themselves in McKees Rocks.

Google Maps confirmed to City Planning that the neighborhood no longer appeared in any of their databases and had simply vanished. The Pittsburgh Department of Public Safety has not reported anyone missing and has not fielded any calls out of the ordinary, leading City staff to individually question whether the neighborhood ever existed in the first place.

Ms. Ismail goes on to say that she believes the area to be a "space-time nexus where the normal rules of our universe simply cease to exist", much like the final act in the movie 2001. She advises the Mayor's Office to evade any questions from West Pittsburgh residents and simple respond that "they are aware of the situation." City officials are to contact paranormal researchers and any Scottish natives of the town of Brigadoon.

This would not be the first time the City of Pittsburgh has lost a neighborhood. In 1998, East Oakland vanished under circumstances that officials describe as "best not to go in to."

More as this story develops.

Local Man Doesn't Understand Why Government Project Isn't Done Already

Amid news that the Port Authority is mere weeks away from completing the much touted (and much maligned) North Shore Connector, local man Ron Seibert held a press conference today decrying the fact that it was taking so long.

Flanked by a contingent from the Pittsburgh Myopticon Society, Mr. Seibert vented his frustrations to reporters.

"The Port Authority has been working on the North Shore Connector since 1994. What's the friggin' hold up already? Why didn't this get done, like 10 years ago. Seriously, how hard is it to dig a hole?"

Mr. Seibert's views were shared by others in the audience.

"You know, for all the time they have spent digging the tunnel, they could have extended the light rail to where I live in McMurray," said a Mr. Rod Davis. "I mean, that's like a piece of cake; it's like right there".

The multi-million dollar project has come under fire since its initial planning phase in the 1990s, with many people referring to it as a "boondoggle" or a "tunnel to nowhere".

PAT project engineer Hubert F. Horder defended the project.

"These things take time. It's not like we have some sort of magic wand here at the Port Authority. We can't just make a wish, and suddenly plans and specifications and rights-of-way and materials suddenly appear. We don't have a genie that grants exceptions from EPA requirements or a fairy that gives us DoT fund. We don't pounce around on unicorns singing 'La-De-Da-De-Da-De-Dah!' nakedly dancing around a magic fire while elves and dwarves do our bidding! We're Engineers and Accountants and Bureaucrats dammit! We don't even know what magic is!"

Mr. Horder's explanation, however did not sway Mr. Seibert.

"Even though I have no idea how Federal funding allocations, geology, or transportation engineering works, I'll bet me and my brother Steve could have had that extension up and running in like a week and a half".

Luke Ravenstahl Still Waiting For Valentine's Day Card

Despite it being two days ago, Mayor Luke Ravenstahl is still waiting patiently for a Valentine's Day card from someone.

The Mayor has been vigilantly watching his hand made Valentine Mailbox at his desk hoping that someone would drop in a card or perhaps some candy. Despite checking nearly every 15 minutes, his construction paper box remains empty.

Mr. Ravenstahl had earlier expressed an expectation that the Rooneys, Ron Burkle, and Snoop Dog would all send him a card. To that end, he made his mailbox twice as big as normal "to fit all the cards" he was going to get from all of his friends. As of 7 PM Thursday evening, however, it remained empty.

His Chief of Staff Yarone Zober expressed concern over the Mayor.

"We had a big party, you know, and everyone was passing around Valentines to each other and I guess we all just didn't get Luke a card. I kind of feel bad for him. I mean that's got to crush him to know that no one is willing to even get him a card."

The Mayor's Press Secretary Joanna Doven said that the Mayor is fine.

"OK, Luke's a weird guy, you know. We can see him picking his nose and wiping I under he desk. And there was this one time when he called Darlene Harris "Mommy" and wet his pants in front of Council. But, that doesn't mean we hate him... He's just not Valentine material. Now Ed Gainey? He's dreamy."

Other members of the Mayor's staff have secretly tried to persuade City Government employees to take pity on the Mayor and send him a Valentine, but to no avail thus far. Certain members of he Finance Department are still a little creeped out after Ravenstahl hung out in heir offices for weeks after they got him a Birthday cake last year.

"It's kind of sad and I'd like to do something for him," said Zober, "but I don't really like the guy that much.

PWSA to be Managed by Poo-Flinging Monkeys

Acting quickly following the decision Friday to seek a management company for the embattled Authority, the Board of PWSA today accepted a proposal from a troop of monkeys to manage and reorganize the agency for the next 18 months.

"This kind of radical shift in thinking is exactly what we need to right the organization's problems," said Board Member and Pittsburgh City Councilman Patrick Dowd. "I'm hoping that the next few months will see better responses to developers, a a clearing out of institutional dead wood, a better customer service system, and, of course, the throwing of large amounts of feces."

The Board was initially impressed by the submission of the Monkey Troop, which had outstanding references from the John McCain Presidential bid and New York socialite King Kong. The Monkey Team has previously used shared grooming, patriarchal hierarchy, and the throwing of excrement to turn several Fortune 500 companies from the brink of bankruptcy.

The PWSA Board, however, failed to assert its dominance over the chief male "Coco" and agreed in the contract to limit their liability and indemnify them against all actions, including, but not limited to "Grizzly beheadings in Paris","Old Ronald Reagan films," and "sharp rate increases".

PWSA is still suffering from a failed water line insurance plan that was ruled in court to be illegal. It has been without an Executive Director for two years and without a competent Management Team for at least twice as long.

In recent months, Mr. Dowd had criticized his fellow Board members for dragging their feet on the replacement of the former Executive Director, arguing that "even a [expletive deleted] monkey could do this job better than what we got."

The Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, however, is reporting tonight that the selection of the new Primate Management team may actually be the result of nepotism. Rumors have begun circulating that one of the Monkeys is closely related to another Board Member, State Rep. Dan Deasey.

Mitt Romney Realizes He's Reliving Stupid Comments

(Columbia News) Punxsutawney, PA - After what has seemed to him as being as upwards of 10,000 repetitions, Mitt Romney has come to the understanding that his is reliving the same stupid comments for eternity.

Having grown tired of the campaign season, Governor Romney has found himself endlessly repeating the phrases, "Corporations are people, my friends," "I like being able to fire people," and "I'm not concerned about the very poor".

Romney is not sure why he is continuing to repeat these phrases and why he keeps waking up to a Sonny and Cher tune every morning.

Experts indicate that the former Massachusetts Governor is suffering from an existentialist crisis, which may spiral down into long term depression and a loss in the General Election.

The only resolution to this problem seems to be an attempt as making himself seem at least somewhat human and possibly hooking up with Andie MacDowell.

City Council Votes to Cut Off Nose to Spite Face

Pittsburgh City Council has given preliminary approval to a bill that would assist itself in cutting off its own collective noses to spite its collective faces.

"There are days when we look in the mirror," said Councilman Rev. Ricky Burgess, "and we think, 'Gosh, we're just so dangled ugly; we need to punish our ugliness.' We believe that this bill will resolve our problems once and for all.".

Following the release of new City of Pittsburgh Beauty Standards, citizens have complained en masse that Pittsburgh City Council is just too damned ugly and that "something must be done.".

The bill was sponsored by new Councilman Corey O'Connor, whose father had successfully sponsored a similar bill back in 2001. As a result of that bill, Jim Ferlo lost a significant quantity of blood, which led to his run for state Senate the next year.

The legislation would offer a bulk rate deal to Council members and their staff who are angry about how how they look. In all, a team of nearly a dozen surgeons will be on hand to assist.

Council has budgeted $150,000 for the procedures.

A final vote is scheduled for next week.

Newt Gingrich Wins Moon Primary

(NASA) Sea of Tranquility, North Shore - In the face of overwhelming odds and a bitterly divided electorate, according to exit polling results Newt Gingrich today won an overwhelming victory in the Republican Primary on the Moon.

"This is a great victory for our campaign today," said Gingrich to an audience of dozens in Cape Canaveral FL, "And with your help, we're going to get someone in the White House that really cares about the problems of the average Mooninite."

The Former Speaker of the House began polling well on the Moon last week when he promised a permanent Moon base by the end of his second term, which could be later annexed to the United States. This "Moonifest Destiny" advocated by Mr. Gingrich has found resonance in Florida, whose primary he also lost by 14 points today.

The Moon was not originally scheduled to have a primary this early in the season. In fact, by moving the primary ahead to the end of January, the RNC has stripped the caucus of half of its delegate count, bringing its total delegates count down to zero.

"No candidate has ever lost the Moon and gone on to win the nomination," said Gingrich making an obvious slight at his primary opponent Mitt Romney, who had avoided campaigning on the Moon due to a lack of Oxygen conflict.

The 2012 campaign moves on now to other barren, desolate hellscapes including Nevada, which votes in the next few weeks.

Pittsburgh City Council Approves James Bond Issuance

Facing a rising threat from SMERSH, Pittsburgh council today approved an $80 million James Bond issuance, despite a outstanding concerns that the Double O agent is reckless.

The City wants to bring down notorious publishing magnate Richard Mellon Scaife, who's front organization The Pittsburgh Tribune-Review has been funneling money into a scheme to hijack a Chinese missile to create an international incident.  City Department of Public Safety Director Mike Huss told council that Mr. Scaife's actions are completely insane and possibly even psychopathic with scant regard for any of the lives destroyed as a result of his media ambitions and also that he has a missile.

He predicted that with the use of an exploding pen, a Walter PPK pistol, an Aston Martin, and a suggestively named lady companion, Mr. Scaife could be brought down in a fiery, expensive (looking) explosion in the South China Sea.

MI6, which oversees the City's special agent program, warned that after the previous encounter with SMERSH mastermind Ernst Stavro Blofeld, Mr. Bond was in no condition to take on this task.  Director M had previously put Bond on a black list, for undisclosed reasons, but was widely suspected to some sort of sexually transmitted disease.

Mayoral Chief of Staff Yarone Zober disagreed with MI6's assessment of the situation, saying that, after proving himself by eliminating former URA Director Pat Ford, Mr. Bond is the finest City of Pittsburgh agent in the field today.

Mr. Scaife has already demanded the sum of $1 Million from the City of Pittsburgh, else he blow up the Mellon Arena.

James Bond will return in From Cleveland with Love

Typo in State of the Union Creates Constitutional Crisis

(Reuters) Washington D.C. -- A typo in Barack Obama's 2012 State of the Union speech caused mass chaos in the halls of Washington DC and across the globe today, when he misattributed the status of the country to an unknown.

As the President concluded his speech, which promoted economic equity, governmental collaboration, and manufacturing expansion among other items, he stated "As long as we're joined in common purpose, as long as we maintain our common resolve, our journey moves forward, our future is hopeful, and the state of our Union will always be Stan" [emphasis added].  What was initially regarded as a possibly mishearing of the President's words or a slip of the tongue by Mr. Obama, was later confirmed to actually be within the text of the speech given to the Vice President and the Speaker of the House, signaling that the apparent flub was not a mistake.

After the speech, a flustered White House Press Secretary Jay Carney was pressed for an explanation by Reporters, but declined to respond.

This led to mass speculation in many online "blogs" across the country that the President was secretly transferring executive authority to a man named "Stan" or "Stanley" or "Stanislav".  Commenters on the Right Wing Blog Freerepublic speculated that Mr. Obama was referring to "Pakistan" or "Afghanistan", fueling further speculation of his supposedly Muslim faith.  Posters on DailyKos also speculated that "Stan" was Stan Lee, creator of Spiderman; Mr. Obama is a known comic book fan.  ESPN.com believed that "Stan" was hall of fame baseball player Stan Musial, while The Weather Channel purported to have information that Stan was referring to the 19th Hurricane of the 2005 Atlantic Season.

The reaction across the world was tumultuous.  The stock price of Standard Chartered PLC (symbol: STAN) soared in early trading on the London Stock Exchange, driving European futures up to near record levels.  Seth MacFarlane's animated prime time show American Dad, which features main character "Stan Smith", was renewed by Fox through the 2018 season.  In the UK, the graves of Prime Minister Stanley Baldwin and director Stanley Kubrick were opened as the superstitious lay next to the bodies.  In Toronto, armed guards protected hockey's Stanley Cup from looters.

Congressmen and Senators scrambled across the corridors of the Capitol trying to discover who this "Stan" was, whether he was a Democrat or a Republican, and how this would affect reelection chances.  All bills were held until "Stan" could sign off and the Chaplin of the House issued an invocation in "Stan's" name.

After several hours, the White House issued a statement saying that a fly had fallen into the computer, which had caused the typo, adding that a "Mr. Archibald Buttle" might want to lay low for a few days.

Legion of Doom Endorses Mitt Romney for President

(Reuters) Slaughter Swamp - In a surprise announcement today, the collection of super villains known as the Legion of Doom endorsed Mitt Romney for GOP nominee for President of the United States.

"We is very unhappy about Mitt Romney and we thinks he will do horrible job as candidate," said spokesman Bizarro, speaking from the Legion's secret headquarters outside of Gotham City. "We am sure that Mitt will fail in the General Election against the Communist Muslim usurper Barack Obama."

All candidates heavily courted Legion of Doom members for their endorsement. Ron Paul had previously received the endorsement of Sinestro during the 2008 election, and Rick Santorum had been campaigning with both the Scarecrow and Solomon Grundy over the last few weeks. In most circles, it was widely expected that Newt Gingrich, a former member of the Legion Of Doom, would lock up the endorsement. It seems, however, that Romney used his pull of the Legion's Chairman and his former Harvard classmate, Lex Luthor to sway over the remaining members.

The Legion of Doom's endorsement comes after several weeks of campaigning ahead of the Florida Primary, generally held to be the 2nd or 3rd most evil state in the Union. The endorsement is expected to help garner many votes from drug king pins, hypocritical religious voters, and people that drive 40 mph in the passing lane.

Pundits, however, are suspicious of the Legion of Doom's endorsement.

"You see, the LoD is evil and people know they're evil," said DC insider Alex Ross. "OK, they endorse Romney, right. But if people know that they are endorsing Romney, people aren't going to vote for Romney because they think he's evil, yeah? So they think they'll vote for someone who isn't as evil, namely, Newt Gingrich and *BAM* *POW* you have a evil guy in the White House. Classic Republic Serial Villain move."

Mitt Romney's campaign released a statement saying that he was appreciative of the Legion of Doom's endorsement, and would work with them to lower regulations on moon based death lasers, killing Superman, and lowering taxes for evil henchmen creators.

ADB Senior Comics Book correspondent Bob Kane contributed to this report.

Corn Wins Iowa Caucus

In an election season that has already been full of surprises, a majority of Iowan Republicans today threw their votes to a native son, Corn, who easily beat off a come from behind surge from Tim Tebow and Not Obama, who came in second and third in the statewide caucus.

Speaking at the downtown Des Moines Marriot, Corn thanked his legions of supporters who came out with their friends and neighbors on a frightfully cold night in early January.

"I just want to say to everyone out there that when you think Corn, you think Ethanol, you think Flakes, and now you're going to think President of the United States."

Denver Broncos Quarterback Tim Tebow pulled out a strong second place, after spending a great deal of time outside of the state.  Fundamentalist Christians, a powerful force in past caucuses, gravitated toward Tebow over the other self-declared Christian candidate Jesus of Nazareth, who came in a distant 6th behind a Half Dead Cat Who Barfs A Lot and John Huntsman.  Fundamentalists were disappointed that Jesus did not address their major issues of abortion and homosexuality, instead focusing on "the poor" and "the meek."

Not Obama also performed well, buoyed by support by Newt Gingrich, Mitt Romney, Rick Perry, Rick Santorum, and Michelle Bachmann.  Not Obama's 3rd place finish puts him in a good place going into the upcoming New Hampshire primary.

Corn, however, is expected to do poorly in New Hampshire, where it does not enjoy much in the way of grassroots support.

Barack Obama, who was not running as a member of the GOP, also managed to sneak in at 7th, supported by conservatives in favor of low taxes, killing of terrorists, and indefinite detention.

Still, with what seems like many years before the November election, the 2012 Presidential race is anyone's to take.

UPMC, Highmark Reach Deal

In a non-descriptive bank building in downtown Pittsburgh, the heads of the major health insurance players and their aides hammered out an agreement for the control of drugs and other health care costs in the Western Pennsylvanian Market.

UPMC CEO Jeffrey A. Romoff thanked the Highmark CEO Kenneth R. Melani, M.D., and the heads of the other five familiar players in the negotiations: Governor Tom Corbett from Harrisburg, Rep. Randy Vulakovich from Shaler, and Rep. Dan Frankel from Squirrel Hill.

"How did things ever get so far? I don't know. It was so -- unfortunate -- so unnecessary. Melani lost patients -- and I lost patients..."  said Romoff speaking to the goup.  "If Melani agrees, then I'm willing to let things go on the way they were before."

Allegheny County Executive Dan Onorato thanked Romoff for helping to set up this meeting, and praised Romoff for his modesty.  Melani objected, however, that Romoff carried too many judges and politicians in his back pocket and refused to share them.

Romoff countered that he never refused to collaborate on shared interests with Highmark, except for one time, because "I believe that Obamacare is going to destroy us in the years to come."

He continued, "I mean, it's not like chiropractic or acupuncture -- or even mental therapy -- which is something that people want nowadays, and is mandated by HHS.  Even the lobbyists that've helped us in the past with malpractice insurance restrictions and other things are going to refuse to help us when it comes to Obamacare.  And I believe that then and I believe that now."

Onorato suggested that, while the times have changed from one in which Health Insurance Providers could do whatever they want, Romoff needed to share his influence in Harrisburg and Washington and that UPMC could bill Highmark for these services, adding "after all, we are not Communists."

After Corbett suggested that Health Care should be provided to those that could afford it, but not to children or African-Americans, Romoff relented and offered a wish that a peaceful solution could be found to their problems.  Romoff would provide political influence in exchange for the extension of health coverage in Western PA.

Melani insisted, however, that assurances be provided that as UPMC's position become stronger, Romoff would not exact a hostile takeover at a future date.

Romoff objected to the insinuation saying that he had selfish reasons to keep to the deal: his youngest son Michael had been forced out of the health care field by false charges and it was Romoff's desire to bring him back into the fold.  If, however, information were to be leaked to the Department of Health and Human Services or to the FDA, he would blame people in the room.

With that the meeting concluded, but an anonymous insider with UPMC later suggested that Romoff believed that it was Onorato behind this manufactured crisis the whole time.

Council pushes through various bills before deadline

As the second best source for local news reported, Pittsburgh City Council, mistaking itself for a group of drunken college students, today started it's end of the semester rush to finish all of it's work, in the hope of passing Introduction to LED Billboards, Public Expenditure Analysis, Environmental Sciences, and Zen and the Art of Rhetoric. In all, I think everyone is just shooting for a C+ Average.

Anyway, amidst the flurry of bills that were introduced there were a few that the P-G missed:

* A bill to require the Historic Review commission to mark the location of all the former Isaly's as a Pittsburgh way finder system.
* A bill to not go for it on 4th and Goal.
* A bill increase the minimum drink limit at Council to 4.
* A bill amending the capital budget by diverting $6,000 from Mainstreet improvement on Murray Avenue in Squirrel Hill to Mainstreet improvement on East Ohio Street in East Allegheny.
* A bill re-amending the capital budget by re-diverting $6,000 from Mainstreet improvement on East Ohio Street in East Allegheny to Mainstreet improvement on Murray Avenue in Squirrel Hill.
* A bill re-re-amending the capital budget by re-re-diverting $6,000 from Mainstreet improvement on Murray Avenue in Squirrel Hill to Mainstreet improvement on East Ohio Street in East Allegheny.
* A bill re-re-re-amending the capital budget by re-re-re-diverting $6,000 from Mainstreet improvement on East Ohio Street in East Allegheny to Mainstreet improvement on Murray Avenue in Squirrel Hill.
* A bill amending the capital budget by diverting $6,000 from Mainstreet improvement on Broadway Avenue in Beechview, $3,000 to Mainstreet improvement on Murray Avenue in Squirrel Hill and $3,000 to Mainstreet improvement on East Ohio Street in East Allegheny.
* A bill amending the City Charter making the Councilperson representing Beechview give the Councilpersons representing Squirrel Hill and East Allegheny a foot rub.
* A bill telling the Councilpersons representing Squirrel Hill and East Allegheny to shut the hell up.
* A bill to why don't you make me shut the hell up.
* A bill to oh, on it's on now.
* A bill to throw a right, a left hook, a right jab, to pull hair, to kick in the crotch, and to bash the Councilperson's head off the table.
* A bill to pick up the Councilman's teeth off of the Council floor.
* A bill to call the ambulance...

* A bill to make December 14 Chocolate Pudding Day in the City of Pittsburgh.
* A bill to end this list of bills.

In all, it was one of the more exciting meetings.