David Lynch Tapped to Direct 2012 Republican National Convention

(Reuters) Washington D.C. - The Republican National Committee announced today that it has hired critically acclaimed director David Lynch to direct and produce its August 2012 Presidential Convention in Tampa, Florida.

Speaking on behalf of the 13 member Committee, RNC chair Reince Priebus said that they are excited to be working with an artist of Mr. Lynch's caliber.

"You don't often hear praise of a member of the Hollywood elite from the RNC," said Mr. Priebus to chuckles from the press, "but we want to show that the Republican Party is willing to think outside the box in 2012."

Mr. Lynch is most well known for his films Mulholland Drive, Blue Velvet and Dune as well as the cult TV show Twin Peaks, for which he won an Emmy award in 1990.

Many have criticized the major parties' national conventions over the last few Presidential cycles as being nothing more than three day ads, with little to no substance or drama. This criticism was being all three major networks' decisions to reduce their coverage to no more than a few hours.

Mr. Lynch was asked what he hoped to bring to the GOP that would help to make this year stand out.

"Well, I'm thinking of using a surrealist ethos in my directing of the convention. I plan to use light and shadow, maybe a large swath of red covering the speakers, a continuous hum and thunk of engines, five giants with bright blue eyes who talk backwards in a low voice, a dwarf in a gas mask dancing around the slaughtered carcass of a donkey, three midgets eating mustard off of a fat woman, and a crazy-looking lady running very slowly to the stage. I think all of that will serve to reinforce the underlying metaphor that the GOP is trying to get out to the voters, namely that of fiscal responsibility, social values, and security at home."

He added, "Also, I expect Kyle MacLachlan to do something with a severed ear."

This will be the first Presidential Convention for both Priebus and Lynch, who previously worked together in the movie Dune where Priebus played a spice transformed Guild navigator.

In other news, not to be outdone, the Democratic National Committee has hired Joss Whedon to direct, Dan Harmon to write, and Mitchell Hurwitz to produce what they expect to be a critically acclaimed, but ultimately commercially unviable Democratic Convention.

Senator Bernie Sanders "Filibusters" Tax Plan

Faced with increased pressure coming from the President and his Democratic allies in the Senate, Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT) mounted a rare 8 1/2 hour filibuster of a proposed tax package crafted by the White House and Senate Republicans.

He began the marathon speech at 10:25 AM, railing against the proposed tax plan. In short order, however, it became clear as to what his true intent was.

"Now, I had some pretty good coaching last night," said the Senator, "and I find that if I yield only for a question or a point of order or a personal privilege, that I can hold this floor almost until doomsday. In other words, I've got a piece to speak, and blow hot or cold, I'm going to speak it."

Senate Sanders, who was not technically engaging in a filibuster as no legislation was being blocked, spoke for the next eight hours, railing against a plan which extends "unaffordable" Bush era tax cuts for the next two years.

By 7PM, his voice audibly hoarse, the speech reached its climax,

"You think I'm licked. You all think I'm licked. Well, I'm not licked. And I'm going to stay right here and fight for this lost cause. Even if the room gets filled with lies like these, and the FoxNewses and all their armies come marching into this place."

With that, the Senator collapsed in the Senate well.

Amidst the confusion, the Senior Senator from Vermont Joseph Harrison Paine rushed to the floor.

"I'm not fit to be a senator! I'm not fit to live! Expel me!" said Senator Paine, "This tax plan is a fraud! It's a crime against the people who sent me here - and I committed it! Every word that boy said is the truth! Every word about FoxNews and me and graft and the rotten political corruption of my state! Every word of it is true! I'm not fit for office! I'm not fit for any place of honor or trust! Expel me, not that boy!"

More as this story develops.

Republicans to Sponsor "Grapes of Wrath" Reenactments

(Reuters) Hollywood - Standing next to some of his bitterest foes in Tinseltown, presumed future Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) announced that the Republican party had reached a deal with 20th Century Fox Productions to develop nationwide Grapes of Wrath reenactments.

"I'm a big John Ford fan," said Boehner, "I loved The Quiet Man and How Green Was My Valley, but nothing even comes close to his masterpiece with Henry Fonda. Let me assure you that the Republican Party will do everything it can to make sure that the American people can relive that movie."

Eric Cantor, current House Minority Whip, announced that when the GOP took control of the House in January they would be advancing bills which would defund anti-climate change initiatives to create agricultural wastelands in the Great Plains, allow mortgage companies to more easily seize family farms, encourage strike breaking by non-union farms and factories, and stem the flow of cheap illegal immigrant farm labor and encouraging more Americans to take those jobs.

"Can you imagine the fun kids are going to have playing Ma & Pa Joad while their parents hunt for work," said Cantor.

News Corp, who owns 20th Century Fox, pledged to do its best to help the Speaker-elect advance his dream.

Boehner described The Grapes of Wrath as an uplifting story about how a Christian, nuclear family comes together to explore the West and enjoy the fruits of unbridled capitalism, although he admitted that he regularly doses off during some of the more dialogue heavy bits.

Mr. Boehner also remarked that he was a fan of that Mr. Potter character in Frank Capra's It's a Wonderful Life and would be looking to recreate Pottervilles as well.