(Reuters) Washington D.C. - On the day that electors from all 50 States gathered to cast their ballots for President of the United States, the Electoral College was rocked by scandal today as its dean stepped down amid rumors that he improperly awarded a degree to the daughter of a high level Kerry contributor.
Mark Garrison, PhD resigned from his post after the College learned about the school’s approval of a master’s degree for a student who had more than the prescribed amount of independent study and transfer credits in place of regular coursework.
The irregularities surrounding the degree, awarded in 2004, was only brought to the attention of the College administration last Tuesday, said spokesman Ken Lang.
"We always take any issue regarding political integrity very seriously," he said. "This is something where, when we find out something like this, we review it immediately."
A hastily assembled College panel has begun to review the circumstances of this incident. Preliminary reports indicate that the awardee had completed only 22 of 44 credits, although the College transcript had been altered to reflect completion of all 44 credits.
Citing federal privacy laws, the College is not releasing the name of the student who received the 2004 degree, or exactly what type of master's degree the student received.
Dr. Garrison joined the College in 1993 and had been Dean since 2003. He did not return a phone call to his home today.
This is not the first scandal to hit the Electoral College. In 1824, the school was accused of vote rigging by Tennessee Senator Andrew Jackson, although Senator Jackson had been also accused of extreme hazing of incoming freshman as part of his Fraternity Alpha Kappa Alpha.
In 1987 the College suffered an embarrassment when Playboy released a "Women of the EC" issue.
More recently however, however, is the highly publicized doping scandal during its 1999 Men's Basketball championship against the College of Cardinals. Five collegians were expelled in that instance, and three were placed on political probation.
Many in the political community have repeatedly called for the College's dismantlement, citing the above scandals, the low testing scores, and its reputation as a "party school."
No evidence has arisen that suggests that President-Elect Barack Obama had any knowledge of these events, however, National Review Online has opined that the lack of evidence does not mean that there was no crime committed.
Nevertheless, Senator Obama was elected as President today by the College with 365 votes.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Dean of Electoral College Resigns Amid Scandal
Friday, November 14, 2008
Business Casual Friday
In case you were in a cave, with your fingers in your ears, on Mars last week, here's the 2 minute summary of Election Day.
Enjoy!
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
And from the Dead Tree Media
These may have not been the best front pages in this country today...
...but they certainly felt like the most satisfying.
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
Monday, November 03, 2008
Countdown...
Like most of the folks round these parts, we will be glued to the TV Tuesday night with giddy (or if you voted for the losing candidate, dread) anticipation. As of this moment, Obama seems to have a pretty sizable lead in most of the important tracking polls in the critical swing states. Of course, that don't mean a thing if it ain't got that swing... er... that is, if people don't go out and vote.
Iowa and Virginia are the two big keys to an Obama victory at this point. These two states, combined with the states that Kerry, er, carried in 2004 would be enough to secure a victory. Everything else would be gravy.
Much has been made about McCain trying to take Pennsylvania, but we seem to be firmly enough in the Blue column. We don't think that he'll make a dent in the Commonwealth, barring some sort of shenanigans.
Here's what we'll be looking at over the course of the evening:
During the 7 PM hour, we'll see the results of Georgia, Virginia, and Indiana coming in. Virginia should be an Obama win, Georgia should be a McCain win, and Indiana would usually be a McCain win, but has vacillated back and forth. The way we see it, if Obama wins Virginia, we're going to relax for the rest of the evening; again, if you take all of Kerry's 2004 states plus Virginia and Iowa you have an Obama victory.
Indiana, as everybody has said, should be a reliably red state, but over the last few weeks, it has gone back and forth. If the folks in Lake County (who are primarily Democrats) turn out en masse and the Republicans in the state pretty much stay home, you could see this state swing blue. We think the state will go red ultimately, but if it doesn't or if it is close, Obama will ultimately win the night. We'll crack open another beer.
Now, Georgia should be a reliable red state, but if you have a very high African-American turnout, you could have a swing to blue. We doubt that this state's going to swing, but in the unlikely even that it does go, the evening is over. We're opening up a case and coming in to work sometime next Wednesday.
Officially, if things go badly and Obama loses most of his swing states, we won't find out until after 11 PM when California puts him over the top. If things go well (and Indiana is in the blue column), we'd have an official win around 9-9:30 EST when Colorado, Michigan, Minnesota, New Mexico, New York and/or Rhode Island gives him +270. Without Indiana, Wisconsin is needed to go over 270 between 9 & 10PM.
Chances are you're not going to hear a real announcement declaring a winner until after 11 PM EST, after California closes
We'll be watching the Coleman/Franken, Chambliss/Martin, Dole/Hagan, and McConnell/Lunsford Senate races. Wins here would pretty much guarantee a 58 Democrats + Sanders + Lieberman majority.
Of course, locally we'll be looking at PA-18 (Murphy), PA-3 (English), and PA-12 (Murtha). Murtha's going to be the tough one. Personally we think, if you're a strategic voter and if you really want to bring home the bacon to your district, you may want to opt for a very senior Congressman in the majority over a very junior Congressman in the (presumptive) minority. Of course, you could also be a bitter redneck outside of Johnstown.
So, those are our hotspots.
Our final electoral vote prediction is 338 Obama and 200 McCain. We're giving McCain Indiana and North Carolina. We're giving Obama Ohio, Virginia, Florida, and, of course, Pennsylvania.
In 2004, we were wrong: we had Kerry taking Ohio, probably out of some sort of misplaced optimism. We hope our predictive prowess is better this time around.
Sunday, November 02, 2008
Special Message from the ADB: Voting and Whatnot
I've been encouraged by the 12 people that read this blog to say something a bit more serious in regards to the upcoming election. Now, as I purport to be an employee of the Government, I try to stay clear of actually telling people who they should vote for. If you're a regular reader of this little bit of foolishness, however, you can probably guess my political leanings and could therefore assume that I would encourage you to vote for that person.
With that said, I seriously encourage you to vote for that person.
Seriously. Get the fuck out there and vote.
More importantly, however, you should get out and vote period. Elections are one of those kinds of things that we certainly take for granted, this being a mature democratic republic and all.
If you're reading this, though, I'm hoping that you're one of those people that are already engaged in the political process, and will dutifully vote on Tuesday (or before, if you were so lucky). If you're not going to vote, however, I've always maintained that you're absence at the polls means that you've lost the right to complain about the direction of the country/state/city/school board for duration of the term. I figure if you're involved enough to hold an opinion, you should at least put your opinion where your mouth is and go cast a ballot.
Even if you go out and select no one, at least you've done your civic duty.
I would encourage every voter out there to make sure that they make sure that their friends, relatives, neighbors, co-workers, and random acquaintances vote. [And if they vote for the guy that I'm supporting, so much the better.]
So, don't make me come over to your house and drag you to your polling location. 'Cause I will, and I know where you all live.
[ Find Your Polling Place | Voting Info For Your State | Know Your Voting Rights | Report Voting Problems ]
McCain Releases Devistating Attack ad on Obama
With only hours left until election day, John McCain has unleashed a blistering attack ad on his opponent Barack Obama.
The ad, which is running in several key swing states, attacks the Senator from Illinois for his ongoing relationship with a controversial and embattled Senator, John McCain: In times of crisis, people are known by the company they keep. Barack Obama has had a long term relationship with John McCain, a Senator who was involved in one of the biggest financial scandals of the 1990s.
No word as of yet as the the effectiveness of this ad, although internal polling by the McCain campaign indicate that it has gained traction amongst those with grade school education and those with recent blunt force trauma to the head.
Senator Obama and Senator McCain have appeared together in public no less than 4 times in recent months, despite Senator McCain's underhanded, spurious, and duplicitous attacks on his opponent. Does Senator Obama support Senator McCain's tactics?
Senator McCain even called his wife a c*nt in public. A c*nt. Can you believe he called her a c*nt?
Is this the kind of person that Senator Obama should be "palling around with"?
John McCain is different: he's palling around with a gifted, articulate, Harvard educated lawyer, and famous charismatic Senator. That's the kind of person you want a President to be around.
On November 4th, vote for John McCain: the right choice for America.
Friday, October 31, 2008
McCain Nixes Planned Vintage Halloween Costume
Arizona Senator will instead go as scary 6' 2", volunteer assaulting imaginary black man.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
McCain Campaign Announces Major Shakeup
Speaking in front of a crowd in Sandusky OH with his trademark head microphone and faux-hawk, "Vince" energized those assembled with his testimonial of John McCain.
"John McCain will clean up this economic spill fast. He holds 21 times his weight in water... ya following me camera guy? He'll last for years! He's machine washable and bleachable! He's great for drying pets."
An unnamed high ranking campaign official, speaking off the record, said that McCain was "troubled" by the Obama campaign's 30 minute T.V. infomercial, which garnered over 20 million viewers yesterday. The hiring of a new campaign manager reflects a need to reach out to average voters who are up late watching TV and are gullible.
Infomercial expert Billy Mays says that this move is a super powered epoxy that does it all.
"This new approach is great for home projects big and small. Fill surfaces holes and cracks, instantly seal leaks, repair China, tools and more. Molds to any shape, adheres to most surfaces. No messy mixing needed. Just apply and let dry. Can be painted, sanded or drilled."
John McCain is available for three easy installments of $19.95, but if you order today you get the Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin *FREE*.
Call (703) 418-2008! ORDER NOW!
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Why'd They Put Halloween So Close to Election Day?
If you're like me, you're probably scrounging around to come up with a Halloween costume for Friday. And, if you're like me, you're probably trying to find a costume that doesn't leave people baffled, like last year's Thomas Pynchon costume, which only made the neighborhood kids egg you as you passed out candy.
Also, if you're like me, you're waiting with baited breath for the end of the campaign season, so you can get back to watching commercials for movies that have explosions, instead of Presidencies which will cause terrorists to explode you and everyone you love. Although, to be fair, the McCain campaign could only improve by taking on Michael Bay as director.
Moving on.
Our intrepid moles and spies have traveled the length and breadth and depth and heights of this land to examine what candy the current Presidential & Vice-Presidential candidates will be giving out at their houses, you know, in case you want to hop on a plane to go from Delaware to Alaska on Friday and hit all the homes in between.
Barack Obama - The Obama campaign initially considered Snickers or Reese Peanut Butter cups, but ultimately decided those would be off message. In what shows that Sen. Obama is both disciplined and a literalist, Trick-or-Treaters will receive a handful of change... which I suppose you can use to go out and buy real candy.So, to all those trick-or-treaters out there, and try not to accept treats from write-in-candidates.
John McCain - Senator McCain initially wanted to give out candy cigarettes, Clark Bars, or Necco Wafers to his guests. His campaign informed him, however, that out of those choices, only Necco Wafers are still being made, and no one really likes those anyway. McCain decided instead to give out cans of Ensure. BONUS: if you're really ambitious, the Senator will be giving out different flavors of Ensure at each of his seven homes.
Joe Biden - Senator Biden, despite the insistence of the campaign, will be giving out Pop Rocks and Cola. Trick-or-Treaters are advised not to consume the two together.
Sarah Palin - In an old throwback, Gov. Palin will be giving out candied apples, a more traditional treat that looks good, is sweet, but hard to bite into. Later you find out that the apple isn't really that tasty, and you're left with an nasty fruit on a stick.
Bob Barr - The Libertarian Candidate will not be giving out candy, but will gladly exchange money or labor for candy. We believe he has Pixie Sticks.
Cynthia McKinney - The Green Party has traditionally given out fair trade, shade grown, organic chocolates to the kids. This year, however, Ms. McKinney is eschewing tradition and giving out pipe wrenches and handfuls of gravel.
Charles O. Baldwin - Mr. Baldwin, as a member of the Constitution Party, does not believe in Halloween. His lights will be turned off and he will not answer the door, even though you know that he's at home.
Ralph Nader - Nobody really goes to Mr. Nader's house anymore. Back in 2000, he said he was giving away a boxed assortment of Swiss chocolates, but when you got home and opened the box, it turned out to be a dog turd. Mr. Nader isn't giving away treats as such this year, although if you happen to be within two blocks of his house, he may jump out and try to force "candy" in to your bag.
Former Congressman Mark Foley - While not a Presidential Candidate, he is forbidden to give out candy and is required to publicly announce this under Megan's Law.
Friday, October 24, 2008
Thursday, October 23, 2008
McCain Sells Soul for Emergency Cash
(Reuters) Arlington VA - Facing an significant cash disadvantage to his opponent, John McCain today took drastic measures to close the gap in the closing days of the 2008 Presidential campaign.
"My friends, today we have forged an arrangement that will bring us victory on November 4th," said Senator McCain to an audience of around 660 supporters in northern Virginia.
"After a night of incantations and a few sacrificed goats, the Dark Lord Satan himself came to me and offered my campaign unlimited financing in exchange for my immortal soul. After consultation with my running mate, we both agreed that this was the right tactic for this campaign.".
Supporter of the McCain campaign were initially taken aback by the move, however reactions from the punditocracy were generally positive.
"This is the kind of an Alpha Male action that this country needs," said Fox News fixture Ann Coulter. "Wimpy arugula eating traitorous Muslims don't even have a soul to sell for America."
The terms of the deal with Satan were not immediately available, but spokesman Richard Cheney said that the press would be given 20 minutes to review the nearly 9,000 pages, probably sometime during the next full moon.
The Evangelical wing of the GOP may not embrace this move by McCain, although it is expected to endear him to the party's backers on Wall Street. Still, representative of Satan say they have received the endorsement of the late Jerry Falwell.
Former Bush administration spokesman Scott McClellan said that the deal may not be a good long term strategy for the campaign. "Well, you see Satan's a tricky guy. He offers you eternal life, but he pulls a fast one on you and you find yourself living forever in Scranton PA. Not sure what Satan has in mind with this one. Chances are, he'll give John McCain a whole lot of money, but make it so Obama gets more."
The Obama campaign released no response to Sen. McCain's announcement.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Sarah Palin to Swing by Beaver
Larry Flint furiously takes notes
True Scotsmen Removed from GOP Roles
(Newswire) Columbus Ohio - In a surprise move, the Ohio GOP has requested that thousands of Scottish-Americans have their registrations changed as they no longer represent the views of Republicans Party.
At a 10 AM press conference, Ohio GOP spokesman Antony Flew stated that the party became concerned with the matter after recently released opinion polls showed that Ohio Scottish-Americans favored Barack Obama over John McCain by a staggering 10 to 1 majority.
John McCain was sitting down with his copy of the the Columbus Dispatch and saw an article about how "GOP Hibernian-Americans are Flocking to Obama in Record Numbers." McCain was shocked and declared that "No Scotsman would do such a thing." And then, the very next day he sits down to read the same Columbus Dispatch again and this time finds an article about Angus MacDonald, a long time Republican donor, hosting an Obama fundraiser. Mr. McCain came to the conclusion that, "No true Scotsman would do such a thing" and promptly ordered an investigation into activities of "un-Scotsmanlike behavior in the Republican Party."The Ohio GOP has requested that the identified Republican Scottish-Americans have their party registry changed from Republican to Independent. This change, it is expected, would cause mass confusion amongst Obama leaning Republican Scottish Americans in Ohio.
The move comes on the heels of several statements by Vice Presidential Candidate Sarah Palin, Minnesota Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann, Radio personality Rush Limbaugh, and McCain spokeperson Nancy Pfotenhauer all of whom spoke at length over the weekend regarding the support True Americans for the Republican Party.
Some from the left have argued that such statements are both a logical fallacy and a divisive, reprehensible mischaracterizations while others from the right have argued that no True American would ever disagree with the Republican Party.
The Ohio GOP had issued arm bands to True Americans, to show members that they are not alone in an America hating America. The Party has also called for "False American" Americans to wear similar identifiable markers such as iPods, eye glasses, or other pieces of flair.
The US Scottish-American Society has roundly condemned the GOP purge request, which was subsequently condemned by the Republican Party as something no "True Scotsman" would do.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Plumbers and So Forth
By now, everyone's parsed to death this whole "Joe the Plumber" guy who popped up in Wednesday's debate. Of course we've all found out that this guy may or may not be a plumber, may or may not be licensed to be a plumber, may or may not actually make $250K a year, may or may not have paid his taxes, may or may not be in any position to purchase a plumbing business, may or may not be registered to vote, may or may not be a Republican, may or may not be tangentially related (through marriage) to Charles Keating, and may or may not have been a GOP plant. All we really know is that he looks like Michael Chiklis.
Setting that all aside, it was really fortunate for Senator McCain that Senator Obama had a 6 minute discussion with "Joe the Plumber." Imagine for a second if it hadn't been Joe. Suppose it had been Eric the Plumber, Terrance the Plumber, Darnell the Plumber, Janice the Plumber, or (God help us all) Hussein the Plumber. Imagine how embarrassing that would have been for the McCain campaign: hitching their populist hopes to some guy with the same name as some other guy that we forcibly deposed.
And on the other side of the coin, they should be happy that he was a plumber. What if Joe was an electrician instead (pretty good), a proctologist (icky), a septic repairman (really icky), an actuary (what's the heck is that?), a hairdresser (really gay), or Governor of Alaska (worse than an actuary).
Imagine if Hussein the Septic Repairman had carried on this conversation with Obama. The McCain campaign would have had to abandon the whole faux populism thing and have to jump straight to implying that Obama associates with poop suckers with terrorist sounding names.
Which, honestly, would have upped the level of discourse considerably.
However, Joe the Plumber now joins the joins the ranks of such illustrious person as Catherine the Great, Eric the Red, Smokey the Bear by gaining the middle name "The." Unfortunately for him, now that his middle name is changed, he will be purged from the Ohioan voter roles because of a clerical oversight.
I say it's a win/win.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Canadian Election Night Special
As I was watching the CBC tonight, waiting for the results to come in, they stumbled upon this:
Barack Obama for Prime Minister
Now that's some funny stuff, eh?
Soirée électorale Canadienne spécial
Comme je regardais la CBC ce soir, en attendant les résultats à venir, ils tombé sur ceci:
Barack Obama pour le Premier ministre
Maintenant que les choses amusantes, eh?