Pointless Milestones

I heard somewhere once that the average blog lasts for 33.8 months, or roughly 2 1/2 years. American Humans, by comparison, live an average of 79.1 years (female) to 72.2 years (male).

If this blog were a person, it would be between 94.92 and 86.64 years old today.

Now get off my damned lawn.*

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This post brought to you by a generous donation from the John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation and by Viewers Like You.

*Especially you, Ravenstahl.**
** You too Zober!

Business Casual Friday

A community development friend of mine pointed me in the direction of Walking Pittsburgh, a nice little site that I'd heard about but hadn't taken the time to explore. I thought I'd pass it along to you folks, so check it out.

I must say, however, that I wait in rapt anticipation of the tours of California-Kirkbride and New Homestead... albeit for differing reasons.

Communist Condo Appliances Meet Aardvark Whistling

New Hampshire primary changing subject laughed circumspectly, pie frankly lost balance on the north side of the hill. Oh! How I left all, naked, while the others on every brussel sprout clamcake money:

Hoping to revive her chances in the final hours of campaigning in New Hampshire, Mrs. Clinton invoked the memory of former Vice President Walter Mondale's battle back against the insurgency of former Sen. Gary Hart in 1984.

All knowing walrus feet, apparently, on the lookout for G.I. Joe paraphernalia on the sixth day. The classic interface is still present, however. That is great. Tool public evaluation as a moose. No punishments. Now, the log jam is broken.

Gorbachev sings tractors! Turnip! Buttocks!

Hill Group Meets With Media While Ravenstahl Battles Godzilla, UFO

Members of the One Hill Coalition today met with members of the media, as part of a tour of the Hill District, outlining the desired development outcomes from the community benefits agreement. The media tour was supposed to publicly press the case for a binding agreement between the Penguins, the City, County, and the residents of the Hill District.

This news was overshadowed by news that mayor Luke Ravenstahl personally battled both Godzilla and a UFO, saving, not only the Hill District, but also the entire City of Pittsburgh.

Mayoral spokesperson Joanna Doven produced a photo showing the City under attack adding that "shortly afterwards, the Mayor transformed into "Jet Luke" and defeated the monsters with "Robot Mayor Attack."

Ms. Doven commented that since 1990, the City has been saved no fewer than 240 times by certain destruction from giant monsters by the Mayor's Office.

Critics of Mr. Ravenstahl pointed out, however, that most of those attacks predate the current administration and that the mayor has little to no experience in actually defeating monsters.

One Hill CBA Coalition chair Carl Redwood added, "Besides, the photo's totally a fake. I mean, seriously. It looks like some amateur just got Photoshop and started sticking shit into a picture."

Ms. Doven brushed off such criticisms. "Mr. Ravenstahl is already prepared to fight both Mothra and Mechagodzilla sometime next week. Mayora Luku: de Panchi Panchi Panchi!"

The Administration photo showing Godzilla (left, background) and Carl Redwood (left, foreground) Possible Aliens shown in the right foreground.

Legion of Doom Elects Doug Shields as President

Metropolis (AP) - Despite a late push by the Ravenstahl administration, the Legion of Doom elected Councilman Doug Shields to the presidency of that auspicious body.

The vote came early today after the swearing in of several new members: Patrick Dowd, Ricky Burgess, The Riddler, Captain Cold, and Bruce Krauss. The vote came in at 19-1, with only Bizarro voting against Mr. Shields. Both Councilwoman Tonya Payne and The Toyman were absent.

Shield's election came as somewhat of a surprise to Grant Street as it was largely assumed that Jim Motznik had the backing of both Luke Ravenstahl and Lex Luthor. The schemes of the Supervillian were thwarted, however, when Gorilla Grodd switched his alliance late in the day Sunday; Luthor was likewise foiled by his inability to find support for the continuation of the Act 47 oversight and his Kill Superman agenda.

In a released statement to the press, Mr. Shields thanked his colleagues for their support and vowed that all will tremble before the Legion once their giant laser on the moon is complete.

Solomon Grundy, a frequent ally of Mr. Shields was ebullient about the vote.

"Me Solomon Grundy, is impressed with Doug's leadership on the Finance Committee and hopes that he will crush Green Lantern." Sinestro and Darlene Harris agreed with Mr. Grundy's Green Lantern policy, and will introduce legislation to that effect later this year.

Still, the lone hold out on Council, Bizarro, remained adamant in his opposition to Mr. Shields.

"Doug is worst candidate for Council. Me hate him so much. Doug need to learn how to speak up more often."

In a later statement, Mr. Shields reminded the press, "The Council President assumes the office of Mayor, should the Mayor die or leave office," adding "BWHAHAHAHAHA! HA!"

ADB Steeler Post-Game Show

Aw...Shit.

ADB Steeler Halftime Update

Shit! 

Fuck! 

Shit! Shit! 

Goddammit!  Cocksucking motherfucking piece of a motherless whore!

Iowans Agree to "Fuck with America" at Caucuses

(AP) Des Moines, IA - As the Iowan caucuses come to an end, voters across this farming state have reached an unanimous agreement to fuck with America for another four years.

Speaking to caucus delegates in the State Capital, Chet Culver (D) told fellow Iowans to keep with their quadrennial tradition of dicking over the Country:

"They come here, they trample all over our corn, they throw up ridiculous ads on the television and now, I say, it's time to have our revenge. Go to your caucuses! Rally your friends! Tell them 'let's fuck with America!'"

The Iowan caucuses have a long history of jerking the American political establishment around by the short and curlies. In 1976, an obscure Southern Governor captured the hearts of these simple prairie farmers and later went on to become the 39th President of the United States. Four years ago, the front runner Howard Dean was bested in the caucuses by a man who eventually lost to the most unpopular president in history. This year, Iowa has continued this tradition, and voters have agreed to cast their ballots for the candidates that make the absolute least sense.

Candidates appeared calm today during last minute politicking, although several had retooled their messages to match the wave of dickishness.

Barack Obama, the apparent front running, confidently asserted that he was actually in last place and that anything short of absolute failure was a clear sign that the Iowans had chosen him as their candidate.

Mike Huckabee, in a speech in front of the River City 4H club derided rival Mitt Romney's health care plan which, according to Huckabee's campaign, would put thousands of doctors out of work and kill millions of orphans. Huckabee's own plan, he said, would kill half as many orphans.

Hillary Clinton officially changed her name to "Corney McCorn" in an attempt to woo the average Iowan.

Both Ron Paul and Dennis Kucinich showed no apparent change in their strategies.

Still, most Iowan voters were unimpressed by the frantic race to the bottom.

"I'm still not sure who I'm going to pull for," said Kent Clarkson, a corn farmer and local ward chair. "I think that I'll pulling towards Dodd, but I've been hearing some good things about a Bowl of Waxed Fruit, which, I think, could put up a hell of a fight."

The Iowan Caucuses are five days ahead of the New Hampshire primary. Voters in that state have already pledged to vote for "whoever pisses off those damned hippies in Vermont."

Rule XXX

I've been mentoring some young bureaucrats over the last few months. They're all basically kids, fresh out of school, wide eyed, looking to make "a difference" in the world. And, while I look forward to the world crushing them into cynical oblivion, at this point they're still pliant enough to work for 60 hours a week on projects that will be crumpled up and filed in the little round container next to the Assistant Deputy Director's desk.

Ah! To be young again!*

The mentoring thing, however, makes me think back to when I was a young, naive bureaucrat, just learning when to leap over the stick or creep under the stick. When you're new it's amazing to watch your seniors and how adept they are at leaping and creeping, and you wonder how long it'll take you to develop those skills.

You never notice it, but eventually you find yourself saying loudly in meetings "Well, that's a #2757B... you need form 7F which needs to be signed by Jim, Margaret, and Ray and submitted to Council by next Thursday...", and watching the novices around the table sit there, scribbling like mad, jaws agape.

So anyway...

Rule #30: If you hang around long enough, eventually you will become an expert in something.

If you hang around even longer, you might even get a pension... but you'll also develop rickets, so there's a trade off... and at the rate we're going I wouldn't actually hold my breath about the pension.

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* Before you ask, no, I'm not mentoring these kids in cynicism. My master class in Bureaucratic Cynicism is only available at an advanced level.

Drink Tax Implemented

Happy frickin' New Year and dammit all.

Allegheny County bars and restaurants will... be ringing up an extra 10 percent per drink they serve...

County Treasurer John Weinstein says he may let the businesses pay the tax based on estimated sales for the first month until they get used to collecting it.

I'll never get used to it.

On an unrelated note, my lunch plans have now been permanently changed.

In a totally unrelated note, this blog is being changed to The Angry Drunk Bootlegger.

In a further, totally unrelated note, does anyone know if bathtub gin is supposed to make you blind?