Thursday, October 22, 2009

John Verbanac Responds to Acklin Debate Allegations

Cranberry businessman John Verbanac today denied allegations that he was, in fact, exerting influence on the Ravenstahl administration.

In a televised debate last night, candidate for mayor Kevin Acklin suggested proof that Mr. Verbanac was a Dark Lord of the Sith, as evidenced by emails intercepted by Bothan spies.

"Such accusations are baseless," said Verbanac in a written statement, "I am just an old man and a Senator from the Sovereign System of Naboo."

These denials were immediately rebutted by the Acklin campaign, who has evidence that both Verbanac's aprentices were slain by Jedi in mysterious circumstances: former advisor Dennis J. Regan was found sliced in two at the bottom of a shaft on Mr. Verbanac's home planet, and Patrick Ford's severed head was found after a confrontation with Chief of Staff Yarone Zober. According to Acklin, both had become "extraneous" to Verbanac's plans, and were allowed to die.

Kevin Acklin today released a statement indicating that Verbanac held key influence over the hiring and firing of city employees, the crafting of city policy, and is secretly creating an "ultimate weapon" in the form of some sort of moon.

Several Jedi have anonymously offered their opinion that the Mayor has been under the influence of a Dark Lord for some time, although they say that the dark side is clouding their vision of who this Dark Lord actually is.

Emails released make a veiled reference to an "Order 66," which was to be carried out should the Mayor win the November election.

Pittsburgh City Council has begun hearings on the issue, and is expected to refer the matter to a committee.


Bram Reichbaum said...


Mark Rauterkus said...

Perhaps you could find some storm trooper photos to go along with this post.

Or, how about a photo of Don Walko in a judge's robe?