Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Wikileaks Pittsburgh

If you are familiar with the Internets, which, if you are reading this I'm assuming you probably are, you have already heard about the nearly 92,000 pages of Afghan war documents posted to Wikileaks just the other day. What you probably aren't aware of, however, is that Wikileaks has also just posted a full 37 1/2 pages of potentially damning information about the City of Pittsburgh.

Most of it is unsurprising, but there are some shockers revealed:

• Yarone Zober and Steely McBeam are the same person.
• There is no "Bon Air" neighborhood.
• Bill Burns is secretly alive under 1 Gateway Center and is being used to power Ken Rice's eyebrows.
• That horrible smell in the Recorder of Deeds office is found at DBV 142368 p 150.
• The Balance of the pension fund is made up of Pets.com stock and jellybeans.
• Darlene Harris once killed a guy for complaining about her screensaver.
• CitiParks Director Duane Ashley secretly hates trees.
• DPW is hiding all the snow from February's snow storm in vacant public housing.
• The Act 47 overseers are figments of a collective imagination.
• Joanna Doven is sick of your shit.
• The Morlock problem in the closed off passage under Ross Street still hasn't been solved.
• The Mayor drinks Bud Lite.
The Mayor's Office downplayed this release of information, saying that it was "unsurprising."

More as this story develops.


Anthony said...

I also understand that Wikileaks is installing a new server to handle the 57,487 pages of three controversial Doug Shields' quotes.

PK said...

You forgot the secret plan to use Mellon Arena as a plot line in "Men In Black III," disguising it as a flying saucer that has to be destroyed to keep the evil Krylurians from launching their attack on earth.

Anonymous said...

Duane Ashley is the Director of Operations now.

Mark Rauterkus said...

Mike Radley is now the Director of Citiparks.