The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat: Lightning Round!

The Rules of Bureaucracy

Rule #O: "The Rules of Bureaucracy are mutable, non-canonical, non-ordinal, and contradictory, except in the cases where they are not."
Rule #1: "Document everything you do; if you didn't write it down, it didn't happen."
Rule #2 [The Sixty Minutes Rule]: "Never do anything that would cause Ed Bradley, Mike Wallace, Morley Safer, Steve Croft, Leslie Stahl, or even Andy Rooney to persue you down a hallway with a camera crew."
Rule #3: "Nothing Simple is Ever Easy"
Rule #4: "It's about the money; follow the money."
Rule #5: "Never ascribe to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
Rule #6: "Politics is the enemy of good government."
Rule #7: "The biggest detriment to public service is the public."
Rule #8: "The second biggest detriment to public service is the service."
Rule #9: "There's a reason; there's ALWAYS a reason."
Rule #10: "The Law is a harsh mistress: The rigorous and exacting application of which can benefit of society when used correctly to advance good policy and block bad, and be the bane of society when used incorrectly to advance bad policy and block good."
Rule #11: "Public service often involves waking up in the morning, opening up the newspaper, and discovering that someone, somewhere out there thinks that you're a dickhead."
Rule #12: "No one really knows what you do."
Rule #13 [Luke's Rule]: "No one ever acts like the bastard they really are."
Rule #14: "Bureaucracy endures."
Rule #15: "The longer you work in bureaucracy, the more Catch-22 resembles non-fiction."
Rule #16: "Politicians are not smarter than you."
Rule #18: "Money is not created equal."
Rule #19: "Mediocrity is normalcy."
Rule #17: "Within any bureaucratic structure, resources (e.g. people, money, knowledge, etc.) are not distributed uniformly."
Rule #20: "Don't assume a fiduciary liability without a committed resource allocation."
Rule #21: "If you do your job and obey the law, they can't reasonably fire you."
Rule #22: "The Budget will always be wrong."
Rule #23: "Always sign in blue."
Rule #24: "A Bureaucrat must be able to explain and justify his/her actions to laymen without resorting to the phrase 'because the Rules say so.'"
Rule #25: "Never voluntarily relinquish control of an original document."
Rule #26: "Sometimes you just have to say 'Screw the rules'"
Rule #27: "Change sucks."
Rule #28: "Sometimes the answer is 'No.'"
Rule #29: "It is very easy to make difficult decisions when no one has a clue what's going on."
Rule #30: "If you hang around long enough, eventually you will become an expert in something."
Rule #31: "Data, technology, and automatic processes can never completely supplant human interaction."
Rule #32: "Cover thine own ass."
Rule #33: "It's not real until it has its own acronym."
Rule #34:There is nothing more dangerous than an elected, resourceful idiot.
Rule #35: It will always take longer than expected.
Rule #36: Coming Soon...

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Lightning Round!

Here's the actual headline from this article in the Trib:

'Kill Point' extra arrested for impersonating a public servant

Too... Many... Jokes! Hands on buzzers please. We're going to the lightning round.

The Category is Complete this headline: "'Kill Point' extra arrested for impersonating a public servant". GO!

Takes Four Hour Coffee Break, goes home after lunch.

Councilman Jeff Koch offers her free t-shirt for all her "hard work".

In other news, Twanda Carlisle has taken up acting.

Suspect was immediately identified by her warm, caring nature and genuine interest in the problems of others.

AFSCME demands back payment of fake union dues.

Proclaims loudly, "I'm from the fake government, and I'm here to pretend to help."

Is immediately downsized due to budget cutbacks.

Will, no doubt, have a better retirement plan than anyone else in City Government.

Dick Skrinjar not adjusting well to demotion.

Thousands of real municipal employees pause to consider if prison is a viable alternative.

Neglected to fill out form 1054-S in triplicate.

Suspect is expected to start her own snarky blog this coming Monday.

BUZZ!

Oh! That's the end of the round. And with the scores all equal, we're going to suddenly stop the game.

Tag(s): Bureaucracy, Crime

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Thursday, May 24, 2007

Lightning Round!

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