The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat: Bottom 9 Health Care Lies

The Rules of Bureaucracy

Rule #O: "The Rules of Bureaucracy are mutable, non-canonical, non-ordinal, and contradictory, except in the cases where they are not."
Rule #1: "Document everything you do; if you didn't write it down, it didn't happen."
Rule #2 [The Sixty Minutes Rule]: "Never do anything that would cause Ed Bradley, Mike Wallace, Morley Safer, Steve Croft, Leslie Stahl, or even Andy Rooney to persue you down a hallway with a camera crew."
Rule #3: "Nothing Simple is Ever Easy"
Rule #4: "It's about the money; follow the money."
Rule #5: "Never ascribe to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
Rule #6: "Politics is the enemy of good government."
Rule #7: "The biggest detriment to public service is the public."
Rule #8: "The second biggest detriment to public service is the service."
Rule #9: "There's a reason; there's ALWAYS a reason."
Rule #10: "The Law is a harsh mistress: The rigorous and exacting application of which can benefit of society when used correctly to advance good policy and block bad, and be the bane of society when used incorrectly to advance bad policy and block good."
Rule #11: "Public service often involves waking up in the morning, opening up the newspaper, and discovering that someone, somewhere out there thinks that you're a dickhead."
Rule #12: "No one really knows what you do."
Rule #13 [Luke's Rule]: "No one ever acts like the bastard they really are."
Rule #14: "Bureaucracy endures."
Rule #15: "The longer you work in bureaucracy, the more Catch-22 resembles non-fiction."
Rule #16: "Politicians are not smarter than you."
Rule #18: "Money is not created equal."
Rule #19: "Mediocrity is normalcy."
Rule #17: "Within any bureaucratic structure, resources (e.g. people, money, knowledge, etc.) are not distributed uniformly."
Rule #20: "Don't assume a fiduciary liability without a committed resource allocation."
Rule #21: "If you do your job and obey the law, they can't reasonably fire you."
Rule #22: "The Budget will always be wrong."
Rule #23: "Always sign in blue."
Rule #24: "A Bureaucrat must be able to explain and justify his/her actions to laymen without resorting to the phrase 'because the Rules say so.'"
Rule #25: "Never voluntarily relinquish control of an original document."
Rule #26: "Sometimes you just have to say 'Screw the rules'"
Rule #27: "Change sucks."
Rule #28: "Sometimes the answer is 'No.'"
Rule #29: "It is very easy to make difficult decisions when no one has a clue what's going on."
Rule #30: "If you hang around long enough, eventually you will become an expert in something."
Rule #31: "Data, technology, and automatic processes can never completely supplant human interaction."
Rule #32: "Cover thine own ass."
Rule #33: "It's not real until it has its own acronym."
Rule #34:There is nothing more dangerous than an elected, resourceful idiot.
Rule #35: It will always take longer than expected.
Rule #36: Coming Soon...

Friday, August 14, 2009

Bottom 9 Health Care Lies

My email box, facebook account, twitter feed and carrier pigeon roost is filled with forwards outlining the top five lies about Health Care reform:

Lie #1: President Obama wants to euthanize your grandma!!!

Lie #2: Democrats are going to outlaw private insurance and force you into a government plan!!!

Lie #3: President Obama wants to implement Soviet-style rationing!!!

Lie #4: Obama is secretly plotting to cut senior citizens' Medicare benefits!!!

Lie #5: Obama's health care plan will bankrupt America!!!

Slightly less forwarded are the Bottom 8 Health Care Lies:

Bottom Lie #10: The CIA will now be able to give AIDS to the rest of the blacks it missed in the 1980s.

Bottom Lie #9: It will turn Jesus gay.

Bottom Lie #8: Abortions will be made mandatory for everyone who is not pregnant.

Bottom Lie #7: Grandma will be harvested for her organs.

Bottom Lie #6: [Unintelligible due to shouting]

Bottom Lie #5: It turns you into a secret Kenyan Marxist Fascist muslin.

Bottom Lie #4: Americans will be forcibly turned into Europeans, and be made to let children drink and vacation for four weeks a year.

Bottom Lie #3: Medicare and Medicaid will be taken over and run by the Government.

Bottom Lie #2: Dr. House will be mandated to diagnose everything as Lupus.

Bottom Lie #1: There are only 9 Bottom 9 Health Care Lies.

I expect to see these brought up on Fox News any moment now.

1 comment:

Sherry Pasquarello said...: yeah, i think they will be on this week- prime time!; 1:24 PM

The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat

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Friday, August 14, 2009

Bottom 9 Health Care Lies

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