Wednesday, April 28, 2010

A Bureaucrat's Aside Re: Immigration and Arizona

By now everyone's already heard about Arizona's new xenophobic... I mean anti-constitutional... I mean anti-illegal immigration law, and if you're on the right or left, you're probably mad. If you're on the left, you're concerned about racial profiling, the usurping of Federal prerogatives to protect the border, and increased debt to the State Government. If you're on the right, you're concerned about brown people that talk funny.

Now, what this law effectively does is require anyone who seems to be "illegal looking" to present their papers proving that they are, in fact, a United States Citizen. While this may be an effective cliche in most WWII or Cold War movies, it's probably only going to be effective at driving illegal immigrants deeper underground.

I mean, it's not like the state would do anything sensible like, say, enforcing or enacting laws that severely punish employers that use illegal labor... but I digress.

But, there's only one way to fight this kind of stupidity: massive performance art.

I propose relocating the entire population of Puerto Rico to Arizona. Remember, Puerto Ricans, as citizens of a U.S. Territory, are citizens of the United States... even though they're brownish and speak some crazy fast moon people language. That's almost 4,000,000 (well, not "immigrants" and certainly not "illegal"... so "migrants" or "commuters", I suppose) to perplex and confound state police.

Trust me: I have deep suspicions that the average cop in Arizona knows that there's a *West* Virginia. "Puerto Rico" will blow their minds.

As part of Phase II of the plan, I'll start importing Canadians from October-March, returning them when the Great White tundra thaws out. That's right: illegal white people, legal brown people.

It'll be chaos and next thing you know, they'll elect a Senator who wasn't born in the United States.


L said...

Wow. You really need to learn abput politics and government. First of all-brown people? Well since you're seeming to consider this new law dircriminatory-what do you consider yourself? Wouldn't 'brown people' technically refer-if you are being politically correct-our african american minority? And by the way, the new law DOES penalize employers who hire illegals. Watch-no read, a damn newspaper before you shoot your mouth off you idiot!

spork_incident said...

L -

If we're being politically correct then "brown people" refers to Meskins and "black people" refers to Africans.

Then again, black Dominicans and Cubans mess-up the taxonomy.

And yes, both Arizona and Federal law penalize employers who hire "illegals" but that doesn't mean much if the laws aren't enforced (and enforcing those laws would upset some wealthy interests and we can't have that, can we?).

A Spork in the Drawer

Maria said...

Brilliant plan, but, yes please, relocate Dominicans (legal or otherwise) too so that will tie up any racist cops who will stop many of them for Driving While Black (and bonus points for blowing their minds when they realize they are Latinos).

NutellaonToast said...

I don't think "brown people" is the current PC term. I think they like "darkies" now.

This is the most hilarious take on the bill I've seen. Glad the trolls are already piqued!

Anonymous said...

I think "Darkies" is the PC term for African Americans. The "brown people" the author is referring to are what we commonly refer to as "spics" or "wetbacks".

Maria said...

Don't know if it's still true but back when I lived in NYC (80s & 90s) there were tons of illegal immigrants in the Yonkers/Bronx border area -- IRISH illegal immigrants. I don't ever recall any crack-downs on them.