An Open Letter to Luke Ravenstahl

Hon. Luke Ravenstahl
414 Grant Street
Pittsburgh, PA 15219

Dear Mr. Mayor,

As you are undoubtedly aware, it is your responsibility, with the resignation of Ms. Heather Arnet, to appoint someone to fill the remainder of her School Board term. There are, assuredly, many people in the City that are qualified to fulfill the obligations of sitting on this illustrious public body. Indeed, the responsibilities inherent in this office are vast and... OK, let me cut through the bullshit: appoint me.

Look, you've seen the school board, right? Frankly, I don't think I would trust the lot of them to manage a school of fish, let alone a school of children, much less several dozen schools of children. I am quite literally surprised that cable news broadcasts of their meetings aren't interrupted for drool breaks.

Now, as you may have guessed (or may not have guessed), I am slightly more evolved than the typical drooling school board member and can at least form a cogent argument without flecks of spittle hitting Mark Roosevelt. I have some very interesting ideas regarding the sale of underutilized schools, the development of regionally specific curriculum, and figuring out a way to create school pizza that doesn't taste like cardboard.

But, more importantly, my overarching qualification is that I hate children. Well, not all children, just stupid children. I grew up in a time when playgrounds were made of metal, lawn darts were legal, and teachers thought it would be "fun" to play with mercury. Frankly, I think kids today need less coddling and more pummeling. It's the only way that they'll learn that the world is cold bleakness and not rainbow farting unicorns.

If nothing else, somebody needs to benefit from my sadism.

I hope you'll take me into consideration.

Sincerely

O
The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat.