Praeterea censeo Carthaginem esse delendam...

Here's a story that makes me all giddy inside:

Allegheny County Executive Dan Onorato said today that consolidating the state's 501 school districts into 100 -- as suggested by Gov. Ed Rendell Wednesday -- might be a bit extreme, but he would favor consolidating the county's 130 municipalities into 43.

"There are probably 20 or 30 municipalities that are financially bankrupt and probably shouldn't exist," Mr. Onorato told the Airport Area Chamber of Commerce during a breakfast address this morning. "I think we should just wrap them into the school districts. There's no reason we shouldn't have 43 municipalities."

Wilmerding? GONE!

Braddock? GONE!

Haysville? Wait. Where's Haysville? Doesn't matter: GONE!

Mount Friggin' Oliver? GONE!

Watch the County go from this...



To this...



And while it's not perfect, it's certainly a nice 66% decrease in useless municipalities.

Sadly, however:

Mr. Onorato's statement was more of a concept than a plan...

Boo! Here I was sharpening my pitchforks and lighting up my torches. Shame on you Danny for getting my hopes up.

You'd still better sleep with one eye open Mt. Oliver. I'm coming for you.

A Modest Open Letter to the Mayor: A Pittsburgh Promise Proposal

Dear Mr. Mayor,

 

I must congratulate you on your exceptional commitment to the Pittsburgh Promise program and your desire to provide college scholarships to qualified students residing in the City of Pittsburgh.  Indeed, such a program will not only encourage middle class families, who would otherwise flee to the suburbs, to stay in the City and will provide a much need impetus to the Pittsburgh Board of Education to keep their standards high. 

 

I must further congratulate you on your recent success in receiving a commitment from local health care giant UPMC to donate one million dollars a year in both outright and matching funds to the program.  I am sure that this act will encourage other civic minded organizations to donate what they can to the betterment of the city. 

 

There are two points, however, that I notice as a cause for concern.  First, even with the generous endowment of ten million dollars over ten years, the program is still a long way from being fully and sustainably funded.  If my estimates are correct, the program will need at least $100 million to be truly functional. 

 

Second, UPMC seems to seem fit to attach the extraordinary provision that its donation be counted as credit against future taxation, should enabling legislation permitting the taxation of non-profits be enacted.  This, to me, seems to undermine the very outcome desired from a future taxation of non-profits.

 

As you can see, the twin problems here of an underfunded program and an undermined taxation system basically creates a situation in which no one is better off.  I would like, if I may, present my own solution to our collective problem. 

 

You may or may not be aware, Mr. Mayor, that I am not just a humble civil servant and part time masked crime fighter.  In real life, I am actually the heir to a vast fortune from my grandfather's invention of that little plastic tag you find in clothes that is supposed to hold on tags.  My father, in a flash of financial brilliance used the money to patent the copyright symbol and bought the rights to the colour taupe.  We have also diversified to include holding in the Repossession and Credit Collections industry, news media outlets that specialize in the disappearance of attractive white women, and Internet porn.  Without displaying too much false modesty, I can assure you that we are very, very wealthy, so much so, in fact, that we briefly considered buying a local newspaper as a hobby and to advance the cause of the International Astronomical Union against the infidels that still consider Pluto to be a planet. 

 

With that said, I would like to personally donate Five Hundred Million Dollars ($500,000,000) to the Pittsburgh Promise, with no strings attached.

 

Given the generosity of my donation, however, you'll understand of course that there are strings attached to it.  Also, given the enormity of the donation, you'll of course realize that the strings attached will be commensurate with the amount.  In my opinion, however, my request is not overly burdensome. 

 

It has not escaped my notice, that the Pittsburgh Region lacks a cohesive, coherent leadership structure.  Some councils of government have had limited success and some cross municipal cooperation has worked, but overall there is generally a lack of coordination for the region's common good.  This problem exists, however, not only outside the walls of Pittsburgh proper, but within as well, where neighborhoods, corporations, politicians, and special interest groups battle for ever shrinking slices of tiny, tiny pie.  While risk is inherent in any major financial investment, I am not comfortable with throwing my money at any organization in such disarray. 

 

In my mind, there is only one way to solve this general problem: in the event that the appropriate enabling legislation is enacted, I will claim the office of King of Pittsburgh and Allegheny. 

 

We originally believed that we should ask for an election, an acclamation, or some other conveyance of the public trust, but we soon realized that would only undermine the legitimacy our reign, which must be based on the Divine Right.  Moreover, we can see how certain republican elements in the region would seek to invalidate, what we consider to be, our necessary and proper station. 

 

We promise to be a benevolent monarch, but you will understand that, as King, we will be assuming certain extraordinary powers necessary to the functioning of the office, including, but not limited to:

 

* The Crown will assume all publicly owned land in the Region;

* The Crown will be exempt from all taxation;

* The Crown will have the right to collect all taxes and fees;

* The Crown will have the right to raise an army for public defense;

* The Crown will have the right to summon and dismiss County, City, and other municipal councils;

* The Crown will give, upon the advise of his ministers, assent to all legislation; and so forth.

 

We believe that such powers are reasonable given the extraordinary contribution we are making to this region.  We may consent to be referred to as "King of the Pittsburghers" instead of "King of Pittsburgh" pending the advice of our ministers.

 

As our first acts,

* We would immediately dissolve all municipal boundaries in the area of "Southwestern Pennsylvania" to form the City-Region of "Pittsburgh and Allegheny".

* We would merge any and all authorities, boards, commissions, and so forth, as necessary.

* We would declare the Official Languages of the Region to be English and Yinzer English.

* We would begin to issue charters, titles of nobility, and letters patent in our name.

* We would establish several orders of Knighthood for Service to the Crown including the Order of the Angry Drunk Bureaucrat (OABD) and the Order of the Unnecessary Post-nominal Suffix (OUPS)

* We would invade Mt. Oliver, burn it to the ground, and sow salt so that nothing would ever grow there again.

* We would allow for indoor smoking, provided that the smoker is, in fact, on fire.

* We would sell the City's rights to the Casino to Erie.

* We will not permit any of our subjects to use the word "defenestrate."

 

Future acts would include putting down the inevitable peasant uprising in Mercer County and setting up Yinzer colonies in Washington D.C., Myrtle Beach, and South Florida. 

 

We are already preparing the crown jewels for our royal ascension and are accepting applications for Titles of Nobility.  Should you be amenable to this arrangement, we will arrange a time and place prior to our coronation for you to pay us homage. 

 

Sincerely, 

 

H.R.H. Arthur David Beverly the First, by the Grace of God, of the Kingdom of Pittsburgh and Allegheny and her other Realms and Territories King-Elect, Most Serene Dominus and Imperator, Defender of the Forks of the Ohio, Pater Patriae, OADB, OUPS, PhD

 

P.S. If you still want to be involved in our government, we can make you Marquess of The Charles Street Valley or Earl of Four Mile Run or something.  Think about it.

 

Allegheny Conference on Community Development Review 2007

I should have known the horror I was in for when the Allegheny Conference on Community Development annual meeting began with a bagpipe solo.

If you recall, last year, the Conference began with a musical number. I'm happy to report that they decided to forgo a repeat of last year's Tony ignored performance and replaced it with a comedy sketch between Washington and Forbes.

You can't make these kinds of things up, folks.

I can't quite remember if it was the forced dramatic irony in which they juxtaposed 1758 Western Pennsylvania with modern Pittsburgh (Forbes Avenue, Most Livable City, Pirmanti Brothers, Terrible Towel, etc.) or the stilted delivery which bothered me more and made me want to drive an ice pick into my skull.

No, wait, the delivery was fine... it was the material that was awful. Next year, I'll have Christopher Rawson do the review for me.

And, by the way, Messrs. Bannon, Coll, & Flanagan: the blockhouse was built following the construction of Fort Pitt. I mean, if you're going to throw out anachronisms, at least get them right.

Anyway, despite all the mean, mean things that the Tribune-Review says about him, Jim Rohr is a very entertaining speaker, especially given the awful, horrible, no-good material he has to work with. I mean, they didn't even do a good job in trying to hide the fact that they basically stole a whole bunch of last year's slides. Yours truly actually remembers the bizarre 20-24 age cohort as compared to Boston or the weird corporate net-income tax graph; I know a recycled PowerPoint presentation when I see one.

At least, however, Mr. Rohr is fully aware that he is the only person standing between those assembled and the open bar. [He's also aware that those assembled are the only people standing between him and the bar.]

Still, it was a bit upsetting to see that the ACCD was only measuring a C+ average when compared against its 2006 goals. It did receive an A+, however, in only being an hour and a half long.

Back in my day, these things lasted for seven days straight.

CEO Mike Langley didn't have much to say, however, the statistics he pulled out that the per capita income in the region moved up from 60th place in the country to 48th place, merely seemed to indicate that we have a lot of retired and/or dead people out there. [If you mess with the denominator, your percentage looks better, faster.] I'm upset by the fact that they didn't draw the obvious conclusion: we should kill all the employed old people.

Susan McGalla and David Malone, who spoke on Education and "The Pittsburgh Regional Compact" need to learn that (a) they need not wear such ridiculous outfits and (b) together they are duller than a ball peen hammer. Additionally, the Pittsburgh Regional Compact using a spiky haired, headphone wearing, back pack clad stick figure to represent the region's youth is ridiculous.

Youth today have iPods.

Glad to see that former O'Connor appointee Paul Leger has found his way back to the conference, however, even if it was working on this area.

My summary of the Taxes and Regulation's section is as follows: "Dull... dull... dull... competive access to power... dull... clean air... dull... high corporate income tax rate... incoherent slides.

From the Local Government committee we find out that Southwestern PA has more governmental organizations that 22 state, that the ACCD has kinda blown off the City/County merger thing, we have a dysfunctional EITC collection system, and that this meeting is so important that the Mayor of Pittsburgh has decided to blow it off.... probably in favor of another golf game.

I am upset that, once again, ACCD did not actively advocate for conquering Mt. Oliver and burning it to the ground.

From the Transportation cohort, we are informed that PAT drivers have salaries that are too high and benefits that are too generous. It sounds like if it were up to the ACCD, PAT employees would be flogged with reeds or drawn and quartered.

As a blast from the bast, there was further hand-wringing over the airport, only this time it was about not having a major hub... even though originations and departures were up.

China apparently has agreed to a cargo shipping route with Pittsburgh, making us a major import hub for the East, and also relieving the region of its feral cat problem.

Oh, and we should all leave Pittsburgh on airlines that service people... like... immediately.

From the business development side, it seems that the best place in public service is the PRA, which is undertaking a junket to Europe with the PSO and a trip to India.

For what it's worth, I get to go to Overbrook next week... if I'm lucky.

From the marketing department: Image is up, Weeds is inexplicably good, Imagine That! is horribly designed, Trucks are good, and the Pittsburgh 250 ads are probably worth mocking.

Speaking of which, did you know that the ice cream scope was invented by a Pittsburgher... who was Black? These are other awkwardly conspicuous gender and racial facts can be found in the ACCD Pittsburgh 250 chronology.

But, to that end, the following Pittsburgh 250 events are taking place in the coming year: the opening of Point State Park, a Pennsylvanian "Tour de France" but in PA, a festival of lights, a wedding vow renewal, David McCullough will be brought out of deep storage, the Carnegie International, cake, lead will be turned into gold, and Murray Gerber will rant endlessly about the state of education in the region.

So, on the whole, it wasn't a bad night... and "Bassmaster" was only said once.

And the reception was good this year, even though Larry Dunn looked lonely again.

Residency Evil

Those of you that worship at the altar of KDKA Investigative Reporter Marty Griffin (Official Latin Inscription: Faciem durum cacantis habes) will have already heard that over 100 city employees may be fired for not adhering to the City's residency requirement. From the P-G:

City workers are likely to receive a letter to that effect at their home addresses as per city payroll records today or tomorrow.

The letter reiterates the requirement that all city workers live in the city, and requires no action by the recipient. If the letter is returned to the city unopened, the city may initiate an investigation.

"It is not acceptable to have a house, apartment or room in the City where you pretend to live while the rest of your family lives outside of the City. Merely receiving mail, signing a lease or paying utility bills for a property in the City does not satisfy the domicile requirement," the letter reads in part.

Of course, there is an easy solution to this problem. It is not the mass firing of City employees. It is not enforcing the residency requirements. It is a solution that is often overlooked by the small minds in local government:

The City of Pittsburgh must invade and conquer all of its neighbors, crush its enemies, see them driven before their cities, and hear the lamentation of the women.

Not only must Mt. Oliver must be destroyed utterly, but so to should Monroeville, Cranberry and Wilmerding! We will crush them, bringing back our native population under the wing of a Greater Pittsburgh Reich.

I can only see us being greeted as liberators.

---
Of course, the invasion talk doesn't matter to me; I live in Des Moines, IA.

Tag(s): Pittsburgh

Anger (pt 2)

More things that piss me off:

• Tourists - It is not my fault that you don't know where you are going. Now get out of my way!
• People That Don't Vote - If you don't vote, you lose your right to bitch. If you really care that much, you can at least show up and vote "present".
  
• Local News - I get enough death, blood, and mayhem in the course of my duties, thank you. I don't need commercials too.
  
• Places without Sidewalks - The oldest form of human transportation suffers another setback.
  
• Places without Sidewalks, but with Bus Stops - Why don't you put a giant bullseye on the pedestrians?
  
• Micromanagement - If you wanted to do it yourself, why didn't you do it in the first place?
  
• People that Don't Step to the Rear of the Bus - Yes, I really want to push past your three hundred pound, back pack laden ass... thank you.
  
• Accountants - You're an accountant; account for yourself!
• Agency X - Yes, you know who you are. Try doing your job for once.
  
• People Who's First Reaction is to Sue - You realize that you are responsible for the downfall of this country, right?
  
• Existentialism - Camus was a prick; so was Heidiegger. Both probably lived in Mt. Oliver.
  

Grrr... more anger to come in Part 3

Anger (pt 1)

As Ms. Monongahela notes over at her place, anger and drunkeness are not mutually exclusive. We've noticed, however, that this blog spends an awful lot of time talking about Bureaucracy and Drinking, and awfully little time talking about Anger. We do not wish to give the impression to our loyal readership (all five of them) that we are not a pent up ball of fury.

Indeed, we are filled with the kind of rage that would have put that good night of Dylan Thomas back on Standard Time.

So, I've put aside tonight's filing, cracked open a beer, and present some of the things (in no particular order) that piss me off:

• "Apple-tinis", "Chocolate Martinis", and other "-ini" drinks of their ilk - A Martini can be Vodka or Gin; Straight-up or On the Rocks... that's it. Everything else is a fucking bastard drink.
  
• Commercials with too Much Subtext - I don't want to spend 30 seconds trying to figure out why Dad isn't invited on the goddamned weekend car trip or why the interracial couple has adopted hispanic children.
  
• Atlas Shrugged, by Ayn Rand - A fucking waste of paper for people who act like self-righteous assholes.
  
• Supposedly Educated People that Say Words Like "Irregardless" or "Axe" (instead of "ask") - Stop sounding like a fucking idiot!
  
• Whoever Has Been Stealing my Shit - I will fucking shoot you with my Government issued crossbow!
• People That Have Somehow Gotten Hold of My Email Address - No, I can't solve you immediately urgent problem: that's not my job... it's not even my department... or my agency. Do you even KNOW my fucking job?
  
• Children - I swear to God, if you don't settle down, I will give you something to cry about.
  
• Parents - The above is your fault, you realize. I will also give you something to cry about when I rip off those parts that created those little hell spawn.
  
• Anything with the Word "Freedom" in its Name - If you really had "freedom" would you really need reminded all the time. Sort of like the guys that drive Hummers: if you had a huge penis, you wouldn't need to advertise that your penis was huge.
  
• People from Outside the City of Pittsburgh that Call Themselves "Pittsburghers" - Hey! I suffered through the Murphy administration, and you're from fucking Wexford!
  
• The Borough of Mt. Oliver - Pricks!
• "Popped Collars" on Golf Shirts - It looked like shit in the 80s, why do you think that it looks good now?
  
• Whatever Has Been Eating My Garden - Just look what happened to the asshole that was stealing my shit.
  
• The Weak Dollar - Takes away half of the charm of a cheap Canadian vacation.
  

OK, that's all for now. I'm too pissed off to continue. More in Part 2.

World Domination - A Technical Question

It is my not-so-secret plot to raise an army of minions for the expressed purpose of taking over the Borough of Mount Oliver.  But before, I unleash my army of jackbooted thugs on an unprepared metropolis, I have one question: am I required to carry worker's compensation coverage on "minions" in the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, or is there some wiggle room here?

 

Advice would be greatly appreciated; I'm already well overbudget on the Lunar-Based Death Ray System (LuBaDeRS) and I need to cut costs somewhere.

Carthaginem esse Delendam

Last week Leadership Pittsburgh came out with their post-graduate thesis on merging the City of Pittsburgh with Allegheny County. The P-G had dueling op-ed pieces on the topic pro and con. The "pro-side" argues that "it will enable us to create, plan and execute our economic and social development more simply and with one consensus voice", while the "con-side" argues that the regional problems "can be found in the pervasive unionism that determines the business climate as well as a regulatory climate that treats businesses as villains and unions as heroes." While certainly the problems in the Western Pennsylvania region are not limited to the delimitation of municipal boundaries and certainly the sheer number of municipal boundaries is staggering, both sides in this argument are missing a very important point and one that needs to be mentioned here:

The Borough of Mount Oliver must be destroyed utterly.

I recognize that among my municipal colleagues, this may sound like an extreme position, but consider the following statistics:

Mt. Oliver Borough
Size: .3 sq. mi., located entirely within the borders of the City of Pittsburgh
Population: 3,970
Taxes: 2%, paid to the City of Pittsburgh
School District: City of Pittsburgh

So, you have this piddly-assed little pseudo-suburb, wedged in the City of Pittsburgh, leaching off of our economic development and public services. It's almost like its some sort of urban Switzerland awaiting a Pittsburgh Von Trappe family. Or worse, it's like Vatican City without the culture or men in funny hats. Or worse still, it's like San Marino without... well... fuck only knows.* Mount Oliver is a festering boil on the taint of the Pittsburgh Southern Neighborhoods; a boil, that needs to be lanced.

Mount Oliver serves no purpose except to make the cartographer in Pittsburgh's Department of City Planning cry. Same goes for Baldwin**, trying to muscle in on access to the Monongahela River for a total frontage of about 12 ft. These are affronts to the integrity of our borders.

We must annex Mount Oliver as it is rightfully and historically part of the Pittsburgh Fatherland. This is the only way that we can maintain peace in our time.

That is the true point of City annexation.
--
* As far as I know, the only point of San Marino actually existing is that Carmen San Deigo needed a place to hide.
** And it's not even Steven Baldwin.

My Christmas Letter

Dear Mr. Claus,

I am in receipt of you gifts of December 25, 2004. I was very satisfied with the shirt and tie and the gift certificates to the various stores. They will and have been very useful. The "Sponge Bob Square Pants" underwear and the lime green and pink scarf, however, have not been used, although the thought is most appreciated.

With respect to my letter dated December 12, 1975, as subsequently and anually amended, I would like to include the following items to my list. This year, I have added in a few more esoteric items to complement the already sizable list that has accumulated:

1) A new filing system; things have been getting messy 'round the office;
2) An intern to do my bidding;
3) The borough of Mt. Oliver;
4) A new red Swingline Stapler;
5) Job Security;
6) Bob O'Connor's hair;
7) A new President, the current one is broken;
8) Or, if a new President is unavailable, World Peace, Love, and Understanding;
9) A Chia Pet;
10) A new tie.

Please note that the "Banana Rama" LP is no longer needed and should be struck off the list, as iTunes has provided me with all of their best works (both of them). Also, I no longer want anything "day-glo."

In closing, I must say that I was tremendously disappointed by last year's gifts. I'm hoping that you will be able to pick up the slack this year, and get me something worthy of my near stellar behavior.

If you have any questions, please contact me at the usual number.

Yours,

"O"

Stormy Seas a-brewin' for 2006 City Budget

If you remember last year's budget fiasco, it'll be no surprise that 2005's budget battle is shaping up for more of the same. From the P-G:

A conservative estimate of the city's revenues could require steep spending cuts. Murphy threatened to eliminate jobs in his letter to [State Budget Secretary Michael] Masch.

Cuts would likely elicit howls from city departments and neighborhoods alike. Whether those howls would be a catalyst for more state aid or nonprofit help is anybody's guess.

Avast me proud beauty!

The Fire Bureau faces aging equipment and employees. The former need to be replaced. The latter are retiring. As a result, the city is spending $1 million a month on overtime in an effort to keep stations staffed.

Key in the 2004-2005 budget framework, were two provisions for (1) slots booty and (2) voluntary non-profit pillaging...er contributions. Both chases were making full sail, As neither of those sources of revenue have yet panned out, the City is looking to be in destined to dance with Jack Ketch. Arrrr! Of further concern is the ultimate outcome of the County Reassessments, those bilge sucking rats, which could either give the City enough or not enough revenue to continue on this tenuous path through the next year, or place on in the black spot.

On the other side, with 2004's drastic slash in City services, we're seeing a push to reinstate a lot of the cut programs, cut fullwidth by the budget cutlass; Council has already pushed to restore funding to the rodent control, to eliminate those rats in the bilges. This does not include all the mandatory payments (pensions, healthcare, interest on debt) that the City to which the City is bound; all of which have stolen doubloons and pieces-of-eight out of the chest.

Shiver me timbers!

Further complicating matters are the ICA and Act 47 Boards, who may (or may not?) have final say over what the City actually spends, and who have been granted letters of reprisal by the Commonwealth. Arrrr, matey! Already has the crew been sent to kiss the cannoneer's daughter, only to to be saved at the last minute from the cat.

Complicating matters even further than that is the promise of a new incoming administration, a new Cap'n for the crew, following last spring's keelhauling. While the incoming Cap'n has no official say over the 2006 budget, he will be bound to it for the duration of his first year in office, matey. This is effectively the last chance Cap'n Murphy has to have any say in the future direction of the City of Pittsburgh. This landlubber will be sent to feed the fish in Davy Jones' locker.

Without a chance t' capitalize on shared services between municipalities/authorities, a increase in revenue, a refinancin' o' existin' debt & obligations, a sudden surge in population, etc., me thinks that t' City will muddle through t' budget process much t' same as last year, endin' up with spendin' short on programs and revenues created out o' magic N'er will this ship be pulled out of the ol' bung hole.

Of course, there is always the option of invading Mt. Oliver, me hearties. Weigh anchor! Hoist the main sail! Smartly me lads; I see sails on the horizon! Ready the fore guns and prepare to board. No quarters!

Godspeed!

Thoughts on Dahntahn - pt. 2

Part II:

Problems

First and foremost, the City and its related entities own too much property. [There. I said it. I feel better.] As the City acquires more property, it provides a negative incentive to private landowners to improve their own property. As the threat of acquisition by eminent domain has never fully been off the table, private owners are stuck between the choice of improving a property that might eventually be taken or selling off property to a monopsonistic buyer. Neither is truly efficient.

Second, unfortunately the City can't really get rid of the land until it has a real buyer. One of the quirks of redevelopment law is that the URA can only sell to buyers that have evidence of plans, financing, and drawings, i.e., they have a real redevelopment plan. The upside of this is that the local slum lord can't acquire publicly owned property, sit on it, and speculate; the downside of this is that unless there's a real buyer, the city is holding onto this property forever. This compounds the first problem.

Third, costs of downtown development are high, really high, but the market rents that a developer can achieve are really low. While other cities may be able to achieve $1,000+/month in residential rents, in Pittsburgh that looks awfully close to a mortgage payment. In order to offset the low rents, developers need to either (a) reduce their upfront costs [i.e. acquisition, construction, etc.], (b) reduce their overhead costs [utilities or amenities], (c) provide for additional amenities to drive up rents [i.e., provide on-site parking], or (d) spread these costs over more units to make the cash flows work. If you can achieve any of those, you might have a shot at a sucessful development, otherwise you can forget it.

Fourth, Downtown is the bastard neighborhood. There is no real community or community group as of yet to take ownership. There is no Community Based Organization to guide the neighborhood, provide consensus, or make the neighborhood economically viable. Those that do have "an interest" in the neighborhood, I would describe as transients: the City, the PDP, PHLF, all of whom may work in the neighborhood, but are not tied to it.

Fifth, yeah... parts of it still smell like piss.

Sixth, Parking. Well, not parking per se, but a "perceived lack of transit opportunities" if you would. While nearly every busline services downtown, and every T-line runs through downtown (all one of them), the option of living without a car is anathema to most of us living in the U-S-A. Combined with the 50% parking tax, this makes the prospect of downtown living nearly impossible.

Seventh, while the stock of really interesting and architecturally significant buildings in downtown is high, so is the cost of rehabilitating them to usable condition. This is slightly different from my third point above, which can be applied to new construction as well. Existing building in the downtown area built before 1978 are more than likely filled with extensive hazardous materials (PBCs, asbestos, Lead Paint), which need to be abated in what is often a cost prohibitive process. Additionally, so much of the downtown is "historic" and the cost of bringing these buildings up to historic standards is also very high.

Addendum: Almost forgot (actually did forget) to include the biggest problem, and the most pervasive, namely, that Pittsburgh and the Pittsburgh Region ain't doing so hot. I've seen a few measurements that show the City itself doing better than the suburbs, but when yourr competition is Wall or Cresent townships, I think you have bigger problems. This problem cannot be fully addressed through the improvement of Downtown; instead, the City of Pittsburgh will have to compete with the suburbs and exurbs for its own life. That's bad, myopic thinking for the region. Much better to compete with Cleveland or Harrisburg than to compete with Mt. Oliver.

Anyway, onto Part III... Strategery.

Minions

Somebody actually used the following line with me the other day in all earnestness:

I'll have your people call my people.

A person actually said that to me. Really.* How awful is that?

I don't have people. I don't want people.

I want minions: jackbooted, nameless, unquestioning slaves to my every whim who will unfalteringly assist me in the forcible takeover of the borough of Mount Oliver.

People won't blindly hurl themselves into a machine gun nest for you.

I wouldn't mind an intern, though; at least an intern would blindly hurl himself into a Starbucks to fetch me a Mocachino.

I have a better chance at getting an intern too.
---
*No, not really. That's a lie. But it's an entertaining lie. So isn't that really the truth?**

**No.

Monday Thoughts on Public Finance in Pittsburgh

Today for a record third time this year, I'm at home sick. The weather outside is about as dreary as I feel. So let's spread the pain and discuss something equally dreary: Public Finance.

First, a couple articles/postings that I stumbled upon:

Christopher Briem has an op/ed in the PG about the City's looming pension crisis. Short version: it's underfunded and that's bad.

PG is reporting here that the City is probably going to use the recent upgrade from non-junk bond status to refinance existing debt. Fester has some comments on this... as does the Trib.

And just for perspective, this blast from the past detailing Pittsburgh's, then, increasing fiscal hole.

Now, onto the matters at hand: the fiscal matters discussed above are a traditional Guns vs. Butter dilemma

... only no Butter

... and no Guns

...but there IS a dilemma/tradeoff: should the city put the savings back into paying down its existing debt obligations, into capital improvements, or into its existing pension obligations.

So really, it's Guns vs. Butter vs. ... um... other Guns.

Hard to say what to do really, but there are a couple points that may assist in illuminating the discussion:

(1) Refinancing existing debt is good from a short term, local perspective, but could be disasterous from a long term, bond market perspective. Continual refinancing drives down the City's bond status as the projected payout in interest to the bond holders for an individual bond is significantly less over the long run. The market, in order to correct for and recoup this loss and against any future issuances, raises the rate at which the City can borrow. So in the short run, there are savings, but the ability of the City to undertake future borrowing at a low rate is hampered. Same sort of deal with paying down existing debt.

(2) Interest rates, in the forseeable future, will go up; stocks will go down; bonds will go up.

(3) The Pension funds, now tied, apparently, to aggressive stock portfolios, will be hurt from a slide in the stock market.

(4) The ability of the City to attract new development is hampered by disinvestment in capital projects (roads, bridges, parks, other public works improvements).

(5) Deferred maintenance, as was undertaken during the Flarehty adminstration, can be politically disasterous and financially costly. (Fortunately for Murphy, the outgoing Mayor is immune to the former.) Drive across the 31st Street Bridge and tell me that the City couldn't use a smidge of money for Capital Improvements.

So where does this all leave the City? Dunno, except that both the Pension fund and the Capital improvements will both have to be adressed sooner rather than later, while the pay down of the existing debt can be deferred across many years.

Still investing in Guns may be a good idea... can't invade Syria with Butter... can't even invade Mt. Oliver.

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Ny-Quil! Take me Away!

Assessment Solutions

OK, in my last posting, we talked about how the assessment cap is basically illegal. Let's assume, for a moment, that there is a "problem" to be solved and that government action is required to "solve" this "problem". I argue that the problem is not with the assessment, per se, but rather the taxes that are derived from that assessment. So, how do you solve the tax problem, given the uniformity and equity issues involved? Couple ideas:

(1) Reduce the assessment basis from 100% of value. Back in the day, the assessment was about 25% of value and the tax rate was high; today, the county is at 100%, but the rate is low. If the County thinks that the assessments are too high, it can reduce the assessment basis down a few points, covering uniformly all Allegheny County taxpayers. The segmentation of property owners into classes of 1,2,3,4 or 0% property caps does not meet this uniformity requirement and should be abandoned.

(2) Lean on the municipalities to reduce their tax rates. If Allison Park has such a problem with being reassessed too high, let Allison Park reduce their taxes so that they confirm with windfall laws. County intrusion by instituting a cap is unnecessary.

(3) Reassess, reassess, reassess every year. While the citizenry make not like the outcome, it will give them a larger sample set in order to base any appeals.

(4) Assess the assessments. A large problem here is that we don't have a good standard to measure the accuracy of the assessments. Onorato says that the assessments are inaccurate; the assessor's office begs to differ. The County needs an independent verification of not only the accuracy but also the disparities of the assessments.

(5) Leave politics out of the assessments as per Rule #6. The assessments are supposed to be apolitical; taxes are political. If assessments are high, the politicians should reduce tax rates or value bases, not tinker with calculations. Would you let the Federal Highway Administration adjust your car so that you are forced to go 55 mph, or would you prefer they just readjust speed limits?

(6) Hell, put politics back in it and repeal the equitable assessment provisions of the State Constitution. While you're at it, repeal any pesky Civil Rights Laws at the Federal level. If the law is bothering you, get rid of the law.

(7) Burn down the county and start again with the assessments. If this option is chosen, please start either with Mount Oliver or Robinson.

Just some thoughts, I'm open to more. Even ones that don't involve arson. Of course, this is, again, assuming that there is actually a "problem" that must be "solved"... just like the "problem" with Social Security and the "solution" of individual retirement accounts... but, hey, I digress.

Property Tax Reassessments

OK, I'm fashionably late to the party as ever, but just my two cents as to Onorato's reassessment plan.

First, read this article from CMU's Finance Professor and Murphy gadfly Bob Strauss.

I want to focus, specifically on this quote:

A comparison of the assessed value (A) prior to its sale, with the price of the property (S) that sold within a period provides evidence on how accurate the initial assessment was, and can be summarized across properties that transacted through the use of various statistical measures of relative dispersion. If the resulting ratio, A/S, is constant across many properties in an assessing area, then assessment quality is thought to be high, and if A/S is quite variable, then assessment quality is thought to be low.

Bob goes on to say that a dispersion ratio of 15% between the sales price of properties and price of the properties is generally held to be the target for a "good" assessment. Allegheny County was at 29.5% in 2002.

Now, read this, specifically the lines that say:

The county considers assessments to be acceptable if they average 90 percent of actual sales prices across the county. For 2002, the figure was 94 percent.

OK...there is room for statistical shenanigans as we're looking at "average across the county." I can't tell you whether housing prices are normally distributed, but I would wager the answer is no. Notice that the 2004 "dispersion ratio" (i.e., a measure of the variability of the assessment accuracy) of 29.5% seems to contradict the 2004 "assessment ratio" (i.e., a measure of overall accuracy of the assessments) of 94%. Again, I'll wager that housing prices are not normally distributed.

The results of the study quoted in the PG showed that

15 wards were, on average, below 80 percent of the actual sale prices. That means assessments for those properties, which averaged as low as 64 percent in the 6th Ward -- Strip District, Polish Hill and Lawrenceville -- were substantially too low and owners likely are paying less than they should in property taxes.

In the other 17 wards and Mount Oliver, assessments were above 80 percent of the sales price. In the 12th Ward -- Lincoln, Lemington and Larimer -- sales averaged 104 percent of the county's assessed values, which means residents there probably will pay more than they should in taxes.

OK, what does this all mean?

I would argue, perhaps nothing. Having not seen the numbers, or the actual calculations involved, we should not be so quick to assume that the assessments are definitely out of whack. There is no evidence in the PG article that these assessments are varying wildly, just that they are over all higher or lower than the average of the surrounding area, which would mean that they are locally consistent. Clearly more research needs to be done, I need to get my hands on the calculations, or, perhaps, assessments need to be done more often.

The cynic in me believes that Onorato is forcing a 4% cap in the assessment increase in order to further certain political ambitions, or at least preserve and grow his political capital.

Anyway, Fester has a looong post on why assessments may increase and some of the political motivations to keep them low. I would argue that additionally, Onorato wants to keep his donors (i.e., the wealthy) happy with low property tax rates.

Pending further review, however, the immediate need to cap assessments this year might not just be short sighted, it may also be an illusion.

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UPDATE My hyptertext skillz suck a little less ass, thanks to Fester.