Senator Bernie Sanders "Filibusters" Tax Plan

Faced with increased pressure coming from the President and his Democratic allies in the Senate, Senator Bernie Sanders (I-VT) mounted a rare 8 1/2 hour filibuster of a proposed tax package crafted by the White House and Senate Republicans.

He began the marathon speech at 10:25 AM, railing against the proposed tax plan. In short order, however, it became clear as to what his true intent was.

"Now, I had some pretty good coaching last night," said the Senator, "and I find that if I yield only for a question or a point of order or a personal privilege, that I can hold this floor almost until doomsday. In other words, I've got a piece to speak, and blow hot or cold, I'm going to speak it."

Senate Sanders, who was not technically engaging in a filibuster as no legislation was being blocked, spoke for the next eight hours, railing against a plan which extends "unaffordable" Bush era tax cuts for the next two years.

By 7PM, his voice audibly hoarse, the speech reached its climax,

"You think I'm licked. You all think I'm licked. Well, I'm not licked. And I'm going to stay right here and fight for this lost cause. Even if the room gets filled with lies like these, and the FoxNewses and all their armies come marching into this place."

With that, the Senator collapsed in the Senate well.

Amidst the confusion, the Senior Senator from Vermont Joseph Harrison Paine rushed to the floor.

"I'm not fit to be a senator! I'm not fit to live! Expel me!" said Senator Paine, "This tax plan is a fraud! It's a crime against the people who sent me here - and I committed it! Every word that boy said is the truth! Every word about FoxNews and me and graft and the rotten political corruption of my state! Every word of it is true! I'm not fit for office! I'm not fit for any place of honor or trust! Expel me, not that boy!"

More as this story develops.

Pythons Lose to Aardvarks 57-40

The Pennsylvania Pythons were dealt a serious blow to their playoff hopes today when they lost to the Alabama Aardvarks 57-40. Despite having rung up 17 more points than the Aardvarks, archaic NFL rules stipulate that a winning team must score at least two thirds of the points on the board.

The Pythons were hampered by a fumble by center Jonah Cenim, allowing the Aardvarks to retain possession during a late 4th Quarter drive. Overthrown passes to Wide Receiver Sam Ilurowski and Welsh Tight End Otto Scrwbn also doomed the Pythons.

Despite a late, and some say "unnecessary," field goal by kicker Olli Suscanns, the Pythons saw another defeat in what appears to be a season of defeats for the team.

Many fans considered this a symbolically important game against their long time rivals. Many commentators saw a Python win as "inevitable."

"We went out there and gave it our best," said head coach Ryhard Eri, "if it weren't for these damned rules, we would have won this thing."

Many fan have blamed Eri this season, however, for not running a strong ground game, the historical strength of the Pythons franchise.

The Aardvarks maintained a strong defense throughout the game, barely giving ground despite the overwhelming crowd noise. Throughout the season, the team has shown an astonishing resilience, in the face of an inability to score points, continually lining up on the wrong side of the field, and instances of massive head trauma. Their best success, however, has come as the result of penalty flags based on arcane NFL rules.

The 2/3rds rule dates back to the founding of the AFC in the early part of the century, when the majority of players were acquired from college football teams. Originally, it was considered "ungentlemanly" to win by a close margin, and the 2/3rds rule was established to ensure that teams would be evenly matched and that individual players could be fully utilized. There has been talk that the NFL may consider changing the rule, as well as provide for instant replays.

As the Pythons close the 2009-2010 season with a better than .500 season, they face a loss of several players due to retirement and free agency.

"It's going to be a tough upcoming season," said Irish team President Mack A. O'bara, "This loss is disappointing, but fortunately, I'm also betting the spread."

A Bureaucrat's Aside Re: The Duke of Wellington

At the end of the day, "Obama's Waterloo" was less like the Napoleonic defeat in 1815 and more like the ABBA song: not the best in the world, but with a beat and you can dance to it.

An Important Announcement from the ADB

Dear Readers,

With today's ruling by the Supreme Court, it has now become financially feasible for me to seriously run for public office.

As you are probably well aware, my aspirations to become a powerful, feared member of the oligarchic elite have been stymied, partially because of those pictures of me and John Edwards' mistress, but mostly because the salary for an unsuccessful candidate is so poor. Indeed, as I have a wife and three kids to feed, I felt that I could not take the risk of running for higher office and lose, leaving my family destitute. We do have need for bare necessities (food, water, cable modem), and while the children would probably be tasty if they were slow cooked, I felt that the tradeoff was one I could not make.

Today's Supreme Court ruling, however, changes the game... and it's now an opportunity for you, the freedom of speech enabled citizenry, unions, or corporations to take advantage of me.

First, let me say that I have principles: valuable, deeply held principles that I will gladly abandon for cold, hard cash. You want an amendment to stop flag burning: for $5,000, I can be your candidate. You want to put electronic monitoring devices on liberals: for $5,000,000 I can be your candidate. You want to invade countries populated by brown people and forcibly convert them to Pepsi-Colaism... brother, for a mere $50,000,000 I can make that happen.

Of course, my real platform if totally up to you.

For a nice chunk of change I can be against gay marriage, but for a little bit more, I can be for it.
Don't like stop signs? For a generous contribution, neither do I?
Think that we need to drill baby seals in ANWR for their oil? A cool million from Exxon-Mobil would make me agree.
Want to waterboard people in contravention of the Geneva Convention? For a campaign plane, I'll hold the bucket for you.

I can be a Democrat, a Republican, a Libertarian, a Tea-Bagger, a Trash Bagger, A Stinking Badger, or anything else your greedy little hands want me to be.

This is a great opportunity for democracy. Think of me as your, squishy, pliable, political Gumby whore, willing to do anything and contort anyway that you want me too.

But wait, there's MORE!

If you are one of the first 300 contributors, I will give you the opportunity to actually vote FOR ME. I mean, literally, if you decide that I'm going to be a congressman, I will let you push the little red button on the floor of the House for me. You want to have my vote on Global Warming? Bam! You literally have my vote on global warming.

Hurry though, as there are only so many positions for sale. Contribute now before someone else buys up your democracy!

-O
The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat

A Bureaucrat's Aside Re: Massachusetts

If there's a silver lining out there for what happened tonight in MA, it is this:

In 1994, after the "Republican Revolution," President Bill Clinton, saddled with a floundering attempt to reform health care, finally got his act together and started running a permanent campaign. While what resulted was a policy that pleased neither the right nor the left, the sudden shock after years of Democratic complacency added a new vigor to an otherwise moribund party.

What the Democrats can learn tonight is that the Race is never going to be over, no one can afford to sit on their laurels, good candidates must be identified early and effectively run, the Party must always be on the offensive, and that the base needs to be permanently energized.

Oh, and it's good that they have the chance to learn all this now and not 10 months from now.

Senator Harry Reid Apologizes for Being a Spineless Milquetoast

Washington D.C. (Reuters) - Coming under fire from both the right and the left, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) apologized today for comments he made regarding everything he's ever said and done since becoming Majority Leader.

"My comments and actions were out of line. I have apologized to the President personally and will take steps to rectify my actions in the future."

The controversy broke over the weekend when the Senator made an offhanded multiple term as Majority Leader and, despite having an overwhelming majority in the chamber, has been unable to pass any major legislation. The Senator tried to mitigate his actions by saying that he "only had 60 Senators to work with".

Bloggers on the left reacted strongly, saying that members of the Republican party would not be allowed to get away with such an offense. Conservative talk radio hosts raise equal ire, calling on Senator Reid to step down immediately.

Larry O'Ladel, a senior fellow at the Brookings Institute says that such controversies are minor, despite all the "yelling and preening."

"See, you have both parties really who are guilty of this kind of mortal sin. On the left your have Harry Reid who couldn't find his own ass if you gave him a flashlight and a map; on the right you have Michael Steele who has already sunk his party to new lows, and has started to dig. So really, neither side can claim a moral superiority."

The White House released a terse statement accepting Sen. Reid's apology, adding that if the Majority leader was not going to use the Senate, the President would like "to borrow it for a while."

Another controversy surrounding the Senator Majority Leader regarding an out of context racially insensitive comment from 2008 were deemed to be not newsworthy.

Historical Metaphors for Dummies

I don't do this usually, but from TPM:

At today's conservative "Code Red" rally against the health care bill, Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) rallied the faithful with a fun historical and literacy reference: "It's the charge of the light brigade!"

The fun part here is that the Light Brigade lost that famous battle of the Crimean War -- they lost it badly, sustaining heavy numbers of deaths and injuries. They are celebrated not for victory, but for their bravery in taking on truly insurmountable odds in a military disaster.

OK, maybe if Ms. Bachmann had compared her compatriots to the British, or the Ottomans, or even the French following the charge of the light brigade, maybe the analogy would have been apt. But she didn't so it isn't.

So, Rep. Bachmann, here are some other things you probably shouldn't compare your friends to:

Pompeii

The Titanic

The Darién Scheme

Custer's Last Stand

Smoot-Hawley tariff

The Chevy Chase Show

Vanilla Ice

Day-Glo Attire

8-Track Tapes

DiVX

Ishtar

This is a start anyway; I hope it helps.

GOP Frustrated in Attempts to Catch Obama

(NewsWire) Washington D.C. - Tempers seethed today on Capitol Hill today as the Senate Minority party expressed audible frustration that his party was unable to catch up with the new President.

"We nearly had him with the stimulus bill," said Senator Mitch McConnell at a closed door Republican luncheon. "We nearly had him with (Governor Bill) Richardson and with (former Senator Tom) Daschle. Heck, we even had old (New Hampshire Senator Judd) Gregg over there dress up as Commerce Secretary to lure him into our clutches. We even set up that anvil with the Obama seed underneath it, but we managed, somehow, to get squished into an accordion like shape. What's wrong here?"

Weeks after inauguration, President Obama still maintains high approval ratings across most of the country even with an ever worsening economic situation. The President seems detached and aloof from the ongoing problems in the opposing party.

Last week, Representative Michelle Bachman (R-MN) dressed up as a bat to swoop down onto the White House in order to catch the President unawares, but she managed to slam into a boulder instead, which subsequently plummeted with her to the canyon floor.

RNC Chairman, and self-proclaimed "Super Genius" Michael Steele purchased a pair of rocket powered roller skates, but, when activated, spun wildly out of control, sending him as well to the canyon floor.

House Minority Whip Eric Cantor had devised a complex slingshot system, but, when activated, the sling flung Mr. Cantor into an oncoming train.

Faced with declining lobbying support after its failed K Street project and its loss of prestige, the GOP is relying heavily on the Acme LLC lobbying firm for advice.

Noted political commentator Isadore Freleng says that the problem is one of desire for the Republicans.

"You see, the GOP wants Obama. It desires to get Obama anyway it can, but there's some sort of subtle self loathing at play where they dream up these crazy, rocket powered, gun powered, giant metal spring, traps that inevitably blow up in their faces. It's almost as if they don't really want to get him, because they wouldn't know what to do if they did get him."

Senator McConnell laughed at that suggestion.

"We have a really great plan this time: we're going to paint a tunnel onto the side of the Lincoln Memorial so that when his motorcade goes through he gets squished. It's a fool proof plan."

Presidential Spokesman Robert Gibbs responded to McConnell's plan with "Meep-Meep!", before dashing off in a puff of smoke.

Folding, On

Here's a list of things that fold quickly:

(1) A poker player with a two and a seven of different suits.

(2) An origami champion.

(3) According to string theory, dimensions 6-10.

(4) A cocaine addled gas station attendant assigned to fix the map rack.

(5) Automated hall closet doors.

(6) A bank that invests only in Zimbabwe.

(7) Superman on laundry day.

(8) Michael Steele

Sen. Roland Burris Admits to "Questionable Activities"

(Newswire) Washington D.C. - On a day which he asked his critics to stop hounding him, Illinois Junior Senator Roland Burris has publicly admitted to a series of questionable activities that put his senatorial seat in jeopardy.

In the wake of ongoing investigations, Burris has already admitted that he talked to several people in the Blagojevich campaign, including the governor's brother and finance chairman, who asked for help in raising money for the governor. New statements by Burris, however, have indicated that other, more sinister activities may have also taken place.

In a written statement to the Illinois State Ethics Commission, Sen. Burris admitted to a series of activities including,

- Actively soliciting campaign contributions for the former Governor;
- Approaching the Obama administration on behalf of the Governor for some sort of Federal Appointment;
- Failing to file Secretary of the Treasury Timothy Geithner's tax returns correctly;
- Giving the Governor advice on hair products;
- Being responsible for canceling Arrested Development;
- Greenlighting multiple Razzie award winner The Hottie and the Nottie;
- Certifying the location of WMDs in Iraq.
- Shooting himself and distant cousin Plaxico Buress in the leg in a crowded night club with his own, unsecured weapon; and
- Being the long lost Lindbergh Baby.

When asked why these things were not revealed during previous state inquiries and affidavits, Sen. Burris responded that "No one had asked."

Burris has spent 30 years in Illinois politics, including a term as attorney general, and unsuccessful runs for governor, senator and Chicago mayor. Detractors have criticized his recent statements by saying that no one with his experience could be this naive to think these events would never come to light.

Federal Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald refused to give specifics, as the Blagojevich case remains an open investigation, but said that the new revelations were "troubling."

In a followup written statement, Senator Burris said that he "didn't understand what the big fuss was all about," and that everyone should just "drop it" and let him be Senator.

Both Chicago news papers and all five fans of Arrested Development have called for Burris' immediate resignation.

Friday Happy Hour

Politics after my own heart:

Barack Obama had a drinks party at the White House on Wednesday night. He invited congressional leaders of both parties for cocktails at 7:30... The cocktail invitation could be a polite gesture—they hosted him Tuesday on the Hill, and he wants to return the favor; or it could be a stratagem—after being with them so much, Obama realizes that everyone could use a good drink. Or it could be a philosophical statement: Sobering times do not necessarily require everyone to be sober.

In vino veritas, and all that.

I respect everyone's deeply held political beliefs. Everyone should believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink.

FEC to Break up Republican Party

(Reuters) Washington D.C - Fresh on a resounding crash at the polls, the Federal Elections Commission has ordered the breakup of the Republican Party on the grounds that it is "too big to fail".

The announcement came after a surprise early meeting of the independent regulatory agency. FEC Chairman David M. Mason said that the party situation was "untenable" and that "drastic measures must be taken."

"The GOP has had a long and dignified history in this country, but current circumstances dictate that we must both protect individual investment and the nation's political economy by controlling what would otherwise be a disastrous free fall."

The Commission has proposed dividing up the party into three distinct parties: the Theocratic Party, the Neo-Conservative Party, and the New Republican Party. Another share of the existing party will be bought out by the Libertarian Party, who will receive Ron Paul.

Senator Mitch McConnell, Minority Leader of the Senate, said that the move was "positive" for the country. "The United States can ill-afford a party set against itself. With yesterday's crushing defeat, it is time to start afresh with new ideologies."

In the 1990s, the GOP had attempted to nationalize the party, but had met with stiff resistance from competitors. Massive speculation during those years had led to a political bubble, which suddenly popped in 2006.

The former Republican Party had found itself in a precarious internal position even before this most recent election. The Party has heavily invested in emerging markets such as Iraq and Afghanistan. Shareholders in the Bible Belt, however, believed that the management was not diversifying its investments enough, by investing in anti-gay marriage and anti-abortion funds.

The selection of John McCain over rivals Mike Huckabee, Mitt Romney, Fred Thompson, or Rudy Guilliani was seen as a compromise between various shareholder factions, who were promised a return of over 270 points. The inclusion of Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin in the management team was seen as a positive move towards alleviating shareholder consternation.

In recent weeks, however, it was revealed that the Company had wasted large amounts of money in things like $150,000 wardrobes for senior management, at the expense of turning out production in their facilities across the country. Over 56 Million voters suddenly found their investments in peril.

The FEC proposal will reduce the individual voter's return on investment, but it should stabilize the returns over time.

The proposed break up should be finalized within the next thirty days. No word yet as to which persons will be appointed to lead these new parties.

Bush Administration Nationalizes Electric Industry "For the Hell of It"

(Reuters) Washington D.C. - In the wake of the takeover of mortgage giants Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae, the Bush administration has stripped the America's biggest electric companies of operational control over all power generating operations in the U.S.

"Well, you see, I mean once we picked up the banks we figured, heck, why not go whole hog," said the President in an early morning news conference. "I mean, I owned an oil company once and so did [Vice President] Dick [Cheney]. And, you know, oil companies are kind of like electric companies."

Department of Energy Secretary Samuel Bodman was more circumspect in his assessment.

"In a time like this, with great economic and energy uncertainty, it seems ludicrous for investors to take such risks. It's only rational that the U.S. Government come in to secure the market and protect Wall Street from the stresses of supply and demand."

Under the plan, all stock in private electric generating corporations will be exchanged for Treasury Bills. The U.S. Federal Government will assume controlling interest, in much the same way that Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae were taken over.

Nationalization of industry has been rare in the history of the United States, although not without precedent. Amtrack and Conrail were created as government-owned corporations in the 1970s. In 1939, the Government nationalized the facilities of the former Tennessee Electric Power Company and reformed them as the Tennessee Valley Authority.

In this case, the U.S. is taking successful nationalizations in France, Venezuela, Zimbabwe as the models for this move.

The President hopes that following this takeover, two more railroads would be nationalized as well as the country's water system. The Department of Housing and Urban Development has also expressed interest in acquiring Illinois Avenue and Park Place, with the hope of building hotels.

Wethrinaer jagh Gonzales

I'm a fun loving masochist, so I spent all last evening watching clips from Alberto Gonzales's testimony in front of the Senate Judiciary committee. When that got too painful, I started hitting my head repeatedly with a frying pan.

The frying pan was a whole lot more fun.

Watching the Attorney General give testimony is like watching Tom Green's "comedy": it's painful, unfunny, stupid, and at the end you wonder why this guy still has a career. Alberto's logic is so tortured, you can see why he argued for keeping Git-mo open.

I keep waiting for Sen. Leahy to leap over the bench and bash his head into the witness table shouting "I DON'T RECALL MOTHERFUCKER!". This is, coincidentally one of the series of snuff fantasies that I have about the Bush administration.

Some of the more pornographic fantasies involve both indictments AND impeachment?

Anyway, the more I think about it and the more I watch his miserable, miserable testimony, and the inevitable slouching towards a constitutional crisis, the more I think there's only one way for Abu to avoid lying to Congress: Alberto must become born again and start speaking in tongues.

Next time every time that Leahy, Biden, Durbin et al. ask a question, Alberto needs to respond with "Eeeeeeooooohhhh taaaaaaah veqlargh lasta lalaithamin squirlokel." He can claim that he's a vehicle for the voice of God and, when the Senators invariably ask him to respond in English, Alberto can claim that his religious beliefs are being suppressed.

Now, my understanding is that Gonzales is a Roman Catholic, and they're not too big on the whole "speaking in tongues" thing. Alberto's more into the whole "blindly obeying a supposedly morally infallible guy far removed from the real world", and as a Catholic he follows the Pope too. That kind of thing is hard to give up.

The hard part is if the Committee asks him to put his answers in writing. In that case, Alberto is going to have to "pour out his spirit" through indecipherable Gothic Runes. If they ask him to type, he'll have to use his head and bash it against the keyboard.

The last one is dangerous: he may be mistaken for your run-of-the-mill blogger.

U.S. Senate Launches MacGuffin Inquiry

Washington D.C. (AP) - Flanked by Senate colleagues of both parties, Senate Foreign Relations Chair Joe Biden (D-DE) announced a special inquiry into the Bush Administration's use of MacGuffins in US international policy.

"It is time that the American people are made aware of the Bush MacGuffin policy: the use of MacGuffins at any time, any where for soley political interests. Not since the Vietnam War have we seen such a brazen display of executive arrogance in this regard."

Speaking from the Old Senate Chambers in the basement of the Capitol, Biden lobbed harsh criticisms at a White House which had previously denied any MacGuffin usage.

Biden was joined at the podium by Indiana Senator Dick Lugar (R), who had previously, albeit privately, chastised the President for his MacGuffin usage. Speaking openly for the first time, Sen Lugar repeated his criticism of the administration:

"Mr. President, since launching the invasion of Iraq, you have repeatedly told the American people that you know where the MacGuffins are or that the MacGuffins will justify your actions. But it's time to face the facts: there are no MacGuffins, there were no MacGuffins, there will be no MacGuffins."

Democrats were much harsher in their critique, charging that the Bush MacGuffin policy has infiltrated not only international, but also domestic, policies. The Committee report, due out tomorrow, will document the role of Senior Political Advisor as "MacGuffin Czar," who has used his position within the White House to create MacGuffins in order to advance a political agenda.

White House Spokesman Tony Snow denied the charges saying that MacGuffins have never been created by the administration, adding that "the MacGuffins out there are real and should be taken seriously by the American people."

North Korea has long been at the top of the United Nationtions Commission on MacGuffins' (UNCOM) list of MacGuffin producing states, however, since September 11, 2001 the US has surreptitiously doubled MacGuffin production under the PATRIOT Act. Some critics of US foreign policy even go so far as to say that a US backed MacGuffin was involved in the events during and/or following 9/11.

According to Senator Biden, this administration has "be the worst abuser of MacGuffins since the Great Spanish-American War MacGuffin... and the most blatant user of MacGuffins since the Falkland Islands war."

The Senate Foreign Relations Committee will begin issuing subpoenas shortly, with the expectation of holding formal hearings before the August recess.

Executive Power

In Washington this week, we have seen a push by the current administration regarding the expansion of Executive Powers and, more specifically, the scope of Executive privilege. From Reuters:

The White House on Monday dared the Democratic-led Congress to fight it in court by refusing to provide information and testimony demanded in an investigation into the firing of federal prosecutors.

White House counsel Fred Fielding, in a letter to two congressional chairmen, called their demands "unreasonable because it represents a substantial incursion into presidential prerogatives."

Congressional leaders disagreed and made it clear they were prepared for a court battle unless they reach a compromise with the White House on access to documents and witnesses.....

Bush is relying on a legal doctrine known as executive privilege, which has been invoked with mixed success to shield presidents and their aides from having to answer questions or turn over information to Congress.

White House spokesman Tony Snow brushed off the threat of a possible congressional contempt citation, saying, "It's up to them."

"What we do believe is that we are on perfectly solid legal ground," Snow said.

More important, although not explicitly stated in any official reports, are rumors of a more disturbing expansion of executive powers. Justice department insiders report that the Administration is preparing an Executive Order naming Bush as the earthly manifestation of the Egyptian god Ra. Ra, of which all other gods and goddesses were aspects, manifestations, phases, or forms of the god, has long been of interest to the current President who publicly claims to be a devote Christian. The order, according to anonymous sources, would place supreme executive and spiritual powers in the hands of Bush.

Capitol Hill insiders aware of the proposed power grab have already denounced the move as being antithetical, not only to the principal of constitutional checks & balances, but also to the separation of Church and State. Republican apologists have countered that while Bush may be setting himself up as a god or god like figure, he is only providing a conduit by which the faithful can more fully worship his being. Supporters add that Bush-Ra is not constrained by the mortal powers elucidated by a mortal sheet of parchment.

Libby & Whatnot

I have nothing substantial to say about the Presidential commuting of the Libby sentence except for the following:

1) When the news broke, I had been incommunicado for about a week after having perfected my Henry-David Thoreau impression. This was the first actual news I had heard for what seemed like an age.

2) But it was immediately drummed out by the cacophony that is cable news, forcing the item to share equal time with such nonsense as "is chocolate good for you?" and "woman gets face blown off by illegal fireworks." That's sad.

3) The events have me furious in ways that make it difficult to type. As a bureaucrat, I am the willing servant of the rules and am compelled, nay, required to use my skills consistent with and pursuant to those rules. The arbitrary breaking of rules based on what I want or to protect my own interests would be grounds for termination, and with good cause. Of course, I'm not the President and cannot willingly ignore the law at a whim.

4) In the Olbermann clip that has been floating around the Internets, he mentions that "Even Richard Nixon knew it was time to resign." I would take issue with his characterization that the current administration is akin to Nixon's... with the incompentancy and the cronyism, I would say it was more like Harding.

Of course, Harding had the good sense to die in office.

Undeclared Candidate Gov. Apunchinthecrotch Leads Republican Field in New Poll

WASHINGTON (AP) - A new Gallup poll on the Republican Presidential field to be released tomorrow shows undeclared candidate former Wyoming Governor Bill Apunchinthecrotch leading the Republican field by 10 points. 

 

The survey of 500 registered Republicans shows former Senator Fred Thompson, himself also undeclared, in second place trailing Apunchinthecrotch 30 to 20 points.  Senator John McCain and former New York City mayor Rudolph Guilliani tied at 5 points a piece, with the remaining eight candidates splitting the balance.

 

This is particularly bad news for McCain who had protested the inclusion of Apunchinthecrotch in the poll.  A McCain spokesperson said off the record, "There is no possible way that voters will be willing to accept Apunchinthecrotch this time next November.  No real Republican would seriously consider four years of Apunchinthecrotch." 

 

One in four potential voters, however, indicated that they would be 'likely' or 'very likely' to vote for Apunchinthecrotch.  "After the last few years of failed policies, I think that I would rather have Apunchinthecrotch over the business-as-usual mentality of Washington," said Marshall Peerless, 42, a computer software engineer and a registered Republican.  "I think the American people need Apunchinthecrotch, now more than ever."

 

The Wyoming Governor was in Casper today campaigning for his son who is running for State Senate.  In remarks to the crowd, largely seen as foreshadowing a potential Presidential bid, the Governor said, "The Great State of Wyoming knows what it means when you vote for Apunchinthecrotch, and I think the rest of the nation may just get Apunchinthecrotch in November 2008". 

 

Political pundits met the results of the poll with ambivalence. 

 

"After viewing a fairly weak field, a lot of Republicans in the country are seeing Apunchinthecrotch as a real viable alternative," said Dr. Karl Gruber of the Heritage Foundation.  "However, he is a real unknown.  What will be the Apunchinthecrotch strategy be towards terrorism, or immigration, or taxes?  What will Apunchinthecrotch do for the American people?  Will the voters be happy with Apunchinthecrotch?" 

 

An Apunchinthecrotch announcement would certainly add to the intrigue within his powerful political family: his cousin, Montana Representative Frank Akickintheass has been actively courting Democratic candidates for possible inclusion as a Vice Presidential nominee.  Governor Bill Richardson (D-NM) has already expressed a strong interest in energizing his campaign with Akickintheass. 

 

According to Gruber, however, the race is far from over.  "Given the experience of Apunchinthecrotch and the general affability of Akickintheass, I think there's a real chance that you could see Apunchinthecroth/Akickintheass ticket come this time next year.  That would be a one-two combination for the Country." 

 

100 Hours

Between the whole election thingee and the Steelers actually winning a friggin' game, my mind hasn't actually been focused or coherent and stuff. It is now time to up my dosage of Ritalin... or cut it, I can't remember which.

Anywho, while I was smashed out of my mind on Bourbon and Vicodin, the soon-to-be-probably-Speaker-of-the-House-unless-she-gets-hit-by-a-bus-
oh-God-I-just-jinxed-it-dammit-dammit Nancy Pelosi outlined what the Democratic Majority will do in the first 100 Hours of taking power. Included on this list is:

Put new rules in place to "break the link between lobbyists and legislation.

Enact all the recommendations made by the commission that investigated the terrorist attacks of Sept. 11, 2001.

Raise the minimum wage to $7.25 an hour, maybe in one step.

Actually, the list is pretty short... which, considering that it's only the first 100 hours means that Congress only has 7 short weeks to act on it; 5 if they start working full days on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

But, I did I little digging* and called up a few friends* on Capitol Hill* to see if there was anything else that soon-to-be-probably-Speaker-of-the-House-unless-a-plane-drops-on-
her-my-God-I-did-it-again-what-is-wrong-with-me Nancy Pelosi had in the list that she wasn't revealing. Sure enough:

Jack Murtha will arm wrestle every son-of-a-bitch in the House, including the House Clerk;

House cleaning staff will spend 100 hours scrubbing the stench of hot sweaty page out of Mark Foley's former office;

A bill will be presented for the more effectual preventing clandestine Outlawries; simultaneously in the Senate, Harry Reid will introduce a bill for the better regulating of Select Vestries;**

Charlie Rangel will perform his 100 hour rendition of In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida;

95 Hours of panicked flop sweat from actually being in charge of something for once;

Mandate that all lobbyists grow a Snidley Whiplash mustache:

Find Senator Kennedy's pants;

Take Constitution out of the Men's room toilet;

Inform Sen. Lott that despite his new title, he will not be whipping any minorities;

Replace "Freedom Fries" with more accurately named "Freedom Grease Soaked Strips of Potato Like Substance and Salt;

Duct Tape Sen. Kerry's mouth shut;

Rewatch old episode of Schoolhouse Rock about Bill becoming a Law;

Bitchin' kegger;

Awkward Freshman Mixer;

Learn to stop giggling when the President tries to say "bi-partisan";

Impeach the President and maybe W, if they get around to it;

Three words: Electoral spanking machine.

So that's it. As for the remaining 1900 hours, well...

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*This is a blatant lie.
** Based on my readership profile, exactly one person laughed at this joke. I assure you, however, that it is very clever. Thanks for the pity laugh, Mike.