On Transportation (On Donner, On Blitzen)

And so while I was hung over from turkey (and about three bottles of Bordeaux), Jon Schmitz wrote a nice little positive article on the North Shore Connector in the PG. I wouldn't go so far to say that this is a fluff piece, but it is comparable to what I regularly find in my bellybutton.

It's not that I have a problem with the North Shore Connector, in concept. Indeed, high speed dedicated mass transportation should be provided to as many Pittsburgh neighborhoods and outlying suburbs as possible in order to enhance interconnectivity between communities. The NSC (as I will now call it after a further bottle of Bordeaux), however, goes about it in a rather ham-handed way.

To the points raised in Senor (because my computer won't let me put a "~" over the "n") Schmitz's article:

(1) Is this a subway train to nowhere?

Schmitz argues no: this is a line that complements development already underway. While this may be true, the NSC seems to half ass it.

First, while the line does reach into the North Shore, it doesn't reach into the North Side. The City has already invested many millions of dollars in the adjacent neighborhoods of Manchester, Allegheny West, and Central North Side, but they don't get to appreciate a T-stop unless they walk under a highway, down a cavern, past the river Styx, fight a legion of rabid monkeys... etc. While they train doesn't go nowhere, it doesn't exactly go *somewhere*.

Second, if you look at the flyover ramp next to the casino, it seems very difficult to imagine how this line will eventually go *somewhere*... like, say, to the airport. I mean, if it went underground, paralleling the Northshore Expressway or event the CSX lines, servicing Manchester, Marshall-Shadeland, Brighton Heights, etc., I could see opportunities for future expansion, but it sort of stops and runs right into the casino. And, while I am no expert of Real Estate acquisition, I would think that this would be a problem.

It's like PAT is planning on a 100 year time horizon in which the Morlocks have risen from under the earth and have destroyed everything in their path, at which time the Port Authority can extend light rail service to Findley Twp. Unless you're a forward thinking Morlock, this doesn't make a lot of sense.

(2) Can they afford it?

The question is wrong. It isn't really "Can PAT afford it" but rather, "does it provide a net benefit to the region?"

I would say no.

Rather than connecting, say, the two of the most commercially developed areas in the state (Downtown and Oakland), PAT has decided to connect the 2nd most commercially developed areas in the state with a slight outlying area to the 2nd most commercially developed area in the state.

That doesn't make a lot of sense to me, especially considering that the East Busway was designed to be eventually converted into light rail and could relatively easily be repurposed to that end.

Now, I may be completely hammered on a mixture of Cabernet Sauvignon and Sam Adams, but it doesn't really seem that the Port Authority is really keyed into the long term economic development plans of the City of Pittsburgh. While service to the Northshore is nice and all, (as built) it doesn't really serve a long term economic development strategy. Rather it seems to advance a bureaucratic fetish to build stuff because money is available and stuff needs to be built.

I mean, I hope that I'm proved wrong and that come April Steve Bland will announce an multi-billion dollar project to connect the airport to Oakland. I will not, however, be holding my breath.

Buses, Parking & Pensions (Oh my!)

There's probably many good reasons why I'm not the head of the Port Authority of Allegheny County... the most obvious of which is my well documented, if unusual, collection of Smurf Erotica... but slightly less well known is my ability to see an opportunity when it's staring me in the face. I, of course, am speaking about the proposed sale of the City's parking assets to fund the ailing pension system. Steve Bland is missing a golden opportunity here.

Now, if I'm head of PAT I'm doing one of two things:

First, I'm out in front of the public, news cameras, reporters, random people with nothing else to do, talking about how good this plan will be for you. And, of course, by "you" I mean "me". For, you see, I'd bet that despite the apparent elasticity of demand for parking, I'm guessing that increased parking rates are going to happen, and are going to drive(!) people to taking public transit, solving my own budget problem.

Or alternatively, instead of the Pittsburgh Parking Authority buying these garages and meters, as in the Lamb plan, I'm making a play to buy them myself. Now, you're probably saying "the Port Authority already has a budget deficit of it's own...I mean you just mentioned it in the last paragraph for Pete's sake." While that's true, and shame on you for pointing out my flaws, (1) this would be a capital investment on PAT's part, (2) there's already precedent for PAT owning parking garages, and (3) doing stupid shit has never stopped PAT in the past.

OK, so if PAT owned all these garages, what would they do with them? Well, if you've watched Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, you'll know the answer.

No, I'm not talking about wanting to nail the animated chick with the huge... bike racks. I mean the insidious plot of Judge Doom: buying the trolley line so he could dismantle it in favor of a cars and superhighways. Only this would be the opposite of that.

And there you go! Two problems solved: pension gets partially funded and PAT eliminates a competitor to it's business model. And maybe we'd rid ourselves of the cartoons in City Council while we're at it.

Of course, there's a big obvious flaw in the plan: something tells me that the Port Authority doesn't have a supervillain on staff.

"Yet," he says, twirling his mustache.

A Bureaucrat's Aside Re: Transit Development Plans

Halfway through the last post, I realized that the Port Authority is part of a larger experience to keep me fat.

Looking at the proposed system map, I noticed that a whole lot of routes are probably going to get axed and a whole lot of routes that are going to get moved.

One of the routes that I use got moved in the plan, but strangely it became more convenient -- moving the stop closer to my house instead of being a third of a mile up hill. The new stop is significantly closer and now (strangely for Pittsburgh) a relatively flat route. I find it odd that something PAT is doing is actually making my life easier.

Not that I mind, but that walk up the hill every few mornings a week was really the only exercise I ever got.

I think someone at PAT knows this and wants to keep me docile. Now if they open up a convenience store at the new stop that sells Funyuns and deep fried Twinkies, I'll know it's a conspiracy.

A delicious, delicious conspiracy.

Well, perhaps other folks who have had their routes moved will benefit from running up hill every day in a mad dash to the bus.

PAT Announces New 9000 ALL Line

As part of its new Transit Development Plan, Port Authority CEO Steve Bland today announced at a news conference the creation of the new 9000 ALL line which will service every neighborhood in the City of Pittsburgh.  

After two years of planning, thousands of comments from the public and numerous meetings with community and business groups, Port Authority is ready to share the proposed final draft of its Transit Development Plan, the result of our efforts to service every neighborhood and every street in the City of Pittsburgh

The line will begin in Summer Hill on the Northside, and take a route that wanders through the neighborhood, into Observatory Hill, and then through the remaining 80 neighborhoods, ending in New Homestead, where the bus will turn around and begin the route in reverse. The length of the entire trip is expected to take three days, but will be a one-zone fair.

"Our goal," said Bland, "is to ensure that everyone has access to transit options everywhere in the City."

Some riders groups are protesting that the new 9000 ALL does not service the stairs and paper streets, which dot the City landscape. Bland said that PAT is already working on plans for a 10,000 Up/Down and an i Line, to meet both needs.

PAT is also expected to announce a 10,000,000 ALL Line, which will service every road in the County. That route is expected to take a month from end to end.

More details tomorrow (or not)

How to Spend $12 Million (Without Really Trying)

Frankly, this story really disappoints me:

Allegheny County Executive Dan Onorato this afternoon said he will not fight a judge's order requiring him to use all excess revenue collected from the county's drink and car rental levies only on the Port Authority.

Instead, Mr. Onorato said he plans to give all the $12 million he collected in excess from both levies to the Port Authority for capital improvements in fiscal years 2009 and 2010. That will free up $12 million the county would have borrowed to fund the transit agency's capital needs, he said.

That's just sad.

I mean, you figure that even a CPA of Dan Onorato's caliber could figure out a way to reclassify County expenses as PAT expenses. It's really not that big a leap to imagine that there are certain budget items on the County ledger that could have overlap with the Port Authority of Allegheny County, with a bit of tweaking.

There are plenty of County employees that could be reclassified as bus drivers or mechanics. Make them drive the buses once around the lot every other day or give them a rag and have them wipe down an engine or two. Heck, there are so many consultants at DHS that they may be repairing buses for all we know.

Alternatively, Onorato could use Port Authority funds to find out how much bus exhaust do not contribute to the local air quality, instead of making the Health Department monitor the air quality directly. Oh, look: PAT buses didn't contribute 2.1 ppm of particulate matter in Clairton today, it only contributed .01 ppm...

Or perhaps, CYF case workers could be used as "underage mass transit chaperones," to, you know, prevent disturbances on the bus.

Onorato himself is somewhat in charge of PAT as County Executive, so his salary can be easily slipped in to the Port Authority's budget... and, of course, the County Executive needs staff to help him out on all these pressing PAT matters, so their salaries could be covered.

But he's not even making the Port Authority make a low interest loan to the County to cover expenses for 2009!

The milquetoast, underachiever that he is, Danny Boy's given up after only one bout with the Courts.

So disappointing.

Details of Transit Pact Released

From the good folks over at the P-G:

A tentative agreement between the Port Authority and the union representing bus-trolley workers largely mirrors recommendations made in August by a state-appointed fact-finder.

But it's a four-year contract, instead of three, and provides fully paid, lifetime health-care benefits for a number of employees who, because of their age and years of service, were caught in the middle and would have been forced to work longer or pay their own premiums...

The tentative agreement calls for Local 85 members to incrementally increase their contributions for health, prescription, vision and dental insurance from the current 1 percent to 3 percent of base wages, the same as non-union employees at the authority already pay.

The agreement also calls for wage increase of 3, 2, 3 and 3 percent, respectively, for each of the four years, ultimately raising hourly pay to more than $26 an hour for bus-trolley operators and more than $30 an hour for first-level supervisors...

Union members will be allowed to yell at particular rowdy passengers, passengers that talk too loudly on their cell phones, and passengers that won't move to the back of the bus.

Management will be allowed continue to waste money on useless capital projects, including, but not limited to the North Shore Connector, a parking garage on the top of the US Steel Building, and an incline that only goes down.

Drivers will be encouraged, but not mandated, to be surly and brusque. Senior drivers will be permitted to remain completely silent or mumble inaudibly when asked questions...

Routes will be cut within five years to the point where buses will only run between Downtown, Oakland, Squirrel Hill, and between 12th and 17th Street on Carson Street.

The 54C will change routes and time points randomly and without warning. Anyone who actually manages to catch one of these buses will be removed and made to walk.

All union members will be allowed one free kick to Steve Bland's crotch once a year, growing to twice a year within five years...

And finally, Dan Onorato will be made to shut up until his run for Governor.

Neither authority Chief Executive Officer Steve Bland nor Local 85 President-Business Agent Patrick McMahon returned calls seeking comment today.

PAT, Union Agree to Thunderdome

Following increased pressure from dozens of business and community groups, both the Port Authority and its drivers' union leader agreed to a tentative plan set forth by a federal arbitrator to resolve their dispute in a post-apocalyptic "Thunderdome".

The negotiated mediation resolution was pushed forward by the Greater Pittsburgh Chamber of Commerce, an affiliate of the Allegheny Conference on Community Development, the African American Chamber of Commerce; and the Pittsburgh Partnership for Neighborhood Development, and Australian actor Mel Gibson.

The authority's board accepted the terms outlined by PA Labor Relations Board mediator Jan Rigler, which recommended that one union leader and one PAT board members be placed into a steel cage and fight to the death. Participants will be tied with bungee cords so, and weapons placed around the cage. Two men will enter, one man will leave.

PAT Board Chairman John A. Brooks, in a statement to the media said "Listen on! Listen on! This is the truth of it: fighting leads to killing and killing leads to warring. And that was damned near the death of us all.... but now when we get to fighting, it happens here. And it finishes here."

Union leaders have criticized County Executive Dan Onorato, who had initially proposed the Thunderdome plan, as merely wanting to beat the crap out of a couple of random union guys.

The original fact finder's report was officially rejected by the union because of proposed changes to healthcare coverage, however, union members have unofficially said that the rejection was the result of a lack of stabbing and fire.

In case of a service shutdown, Pittsburgh residents have already begun to plan carpooling rides, alternative modes of transportation, and have devised post apocalyptic vehicles made to traverse the vast expanses of the Australian desert.

The cost of the structure is expected to result in a fair increase of $2 per trip. The Thunderdome will be built on a vast unoccupied stretch of uninhabitable land inside of Parkway Center Mall.

Monongahela Incline closed for computer problems

From the P-G:

The Port Authority's Monongaghela Incline between Carson Street and Grandview Avenue is closed today due to computer problems.

A Port Authority spokesman said shuttle buses are being used to transport passengers who normally take the incline.

The incline also is expected to be closed on Monday and shuttle service will be provided.

I can only assume that the Port Authority is using this time in an attempt to resurrect Charles Babbage in order to have him help clear some jammed punch cards.

But computer problems? Seriously? This thing used to run on friggin' steam, right? This is basically the same amazingly complex principle as a wheel and pulley, right? Where exactly are the computers entering into this?

Does this mean that there's some evil HAL 9000 like computer managing some complicated "car go up/car go down" program that the mission is too critical for humans to be in charge... or is it more likely that some PAT employee downloaded some sort of malware program while surfing for porn on the machine that's supposed to log their time sheets?

If the latter, I'd recommend not touching anything when you ride that thing next time.

"Take the 42L Through the Angry Drunk Bureaucrat River Hole..."

Let me just say that I believe that the Port Authority of Allegheny County is begging to be mocked:

Port Authority CEO Steve Bland said the agency is looking into selling the naming rights to the 1.2-mile light-rail link between Downtown and the North Shore.

If the agency is successful, the deal could recoup part -- maybe all -- of the $12.7 million the county has allocated to the project.

Now, before it gets renamed "The UPMC Connector" like we all know it's going to be, I figure I'd take a stab at a couple of my own suggestions:

"The Luke Ravenstahl Memorial Police Skirmish Tube"

"The Wabash Tunnel Part 2"

"Ass AND Hole-in-the Ground"

"The Holland Tunnel" [Editor's Note - to make this name truly effective, we're going to need a little Dutch boy who's willing to stick his fingers in the leaks.]

"The 'Fare Increases My Aunt Fanny' Tunnel"

"The Pittsburgh Pirates Tunnel of Shame" with the sign "Warning, the Light at the end of the Tunnel is a Pirates Home Game"

"The Tailgate Tube"

"The I'm Too Lazy to Walk Tunnel"

"The I Paid PAT $1.2 Million and All I Got Were These Lousy Naming Rights" Tunnel

"The Sophie Masloff Memorial Connector"

"The Alternative to a Bridge"

"The Claustrophobia Experience"

and finally...

"The White Elephant Express"

Transit & Rule #4

I’m a little swamped today, with the plethora of tasks that are piling up, so I can only dash out a brief post right now, hopefully to be followed by a more substantial analysis.

Both Furrow and Jonathan Potts have some very in depth discussions on Pittsburgh’s Port Authority Transit projects and the proposed Mon-Fayette Expressway. Both seem to be puzzled over the rationale for these endeavors, but both agree that these are bad projects.

Bad projects! No biscuit!

So, while I go and brush up on all the back story involved (THE BUREAUCRACY has done little work with the DOT and even less with the State of Pennsylvania), I’ll leave you with Rule #4, “The Money Rule”:

IT’S ABOUT THE MONEY! IF PEOPLE TELL YOU IT’S NOT ABOUT THE MONEY, IT’S MOST DEFINITELY ABOUT THE MONEY. IF IT’S ABOUT POWER, IT’S ABOUT MONEY. IF IT’S ABOUT SEX, IT’S ABOUT POWER. IT’S ALWAYS ABOUT THE MONEY! FOLLOW THE MONEY!!!

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This post brought to you by: That light headed feeling you get from missing lunch.