Tick Tock... Tick Tock...

By my most liberal estimate, today is the 45th day a large chunk of the City government has spent without a boss. That is to say, it has been 45 days since the Mayor asked for resignations from a bunch of Department Directors and Authority heads. Now, while the lack of TPS reports has been a nice respite and the ability to work pantless has been tremendous, I think that everyone's kind of tired of working leaderless and directionless, like a group of blind nuns rowing for Yale.

Savor that metaphor, 'cause I worked on it all last night and I'm not willing to give it up.*

Frankly, I think that a lot of us have stopped making plans further than 30 days out in the expectation that the new guy (or gal) is going to change everything anyway. No use doing long term planning if your plans are just going to collapse faster than a French made bridge across the San Andres fault.** That's not a good way to run any organization, let alone a City.

Anyway, here's how it I see the deadlines so far, and remember the Mayor said he would fill the positions within 90 days:

Mayor's Deadline for Resignations......6/29/2007
Today's Date...........................8/13/2007
+90 days...............................9/27/2007
+90 business days......................11/1/2007
+90 business days (excl. holidays).....11/5/2007
Current Day............................45
Current Business Day...................32
Current Business Day (excl. holidays)..31

Now, let's throw a big ol' wrench into this mess: City Council recesses on the... tomorrow and reconvenes on the 7th of September.

Nice little vacation, by the way.

The Mayor can only appoint directors in an acting capacity for 90 days without Council approval... unless you're the City Solicitor, for some bizarre, made up reason... and Council ain't gonna do no nothing until September 7th (and even then...). So, it is doubtful that you're going to see any real movement any of these appointments until the week of the 17th of September. Nothing like the last minute, eh?***

Until then, however, I'll be wallowing in our leaderless mire like Arthur Schlesinger in a bucket of stuff that one might wallow in.***

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* Metaphor... simile... could you even tell the difference?
** 20 minute Metaphor.
*** This is how you write a Masters thesis, not manage a City.
**** I think I'm just phoning these metaphors in now. I'll stop.

Mayoral Tiger Hunt

OK, look:

I don't care if the Mayor tried to crash an American Express event at the Oakmont Country Club in a misguided attempt to meet Tiger Woods. Seriously. When I was his age, I crashed (or at least attempted to crash) many events at which the security was equally impressive, if not more so.

By the way, and for those of you that were unaware, the Secret Service does not look kindly upon gate crashers. They will fuck you up. I am not kidding. Do not fuck with them. They put nobly things in places that only your doctor or a friend with a safety word dares to probe.

Still, I wasn't the Mayor of a major metropolitan area at the time... or even the mayor of Pittsburgh.

What gets me about this whole event is that, if you believe the rumors, Luke was just trying to meet Tiger Woods. If so, the whole course of events is 100% unacceptable.

Now, if I was Mayor (and, God and several thousand rigged ballot boxes later willing I will be), I would have realized that there would have been a far more simple way to realize this goal:

Step One: Have the previous Mayor die.

Check.

Step Two: Have the local public golf course renamed after former Mayor.

Check.

Step Three: Invite Golf celebrities to help re-dedicate the local public golf course. If they protest, say that there will be free golfing lessons... for children... homeless children... with cancer, or something. Golfers are notorious suckers for stuff like that.

Step Four: Meet Tiger Woods. Get photo with said Mr. Woods... and maybe Ernie Els if he looks lonely.

See, if Bob O'Connor were still alive, he'd have Dick Skrinjar on this assignment so fast it would have made your neck snap back like the 18th hole at Oakmont.

I don't know what that metaphor means, though. I think it has something to do with a Birdie or a Mulligan, or a 4 wood, or something...

The point is: being mayor is better than meeting Tiger Woods. This cannot be proven, but it is. Just like Mt. Everest is, or like being beaten by the Secret Service isn't.

Goodnight!

Auld Lang Syne

This will most probably be the last post of this year.

I will not miss 2006. It will not stand out as a red letter year as my hair has become greyer, my knees ache a little more than they used to, and this horrible pain in my back has yet to resolve itself. This year, I managed to fail at each and every one of last year's resolutions. Twenty-Oh-Six has sucked another precious year of youth out of me, replacing it, rather clumsily, with aged curmudegeonliness. By most measures, the year sucked.

I can't help but look at the passing year as a monumental failure on most levels, and I can't shake the feeling that we are all are not just on the wrong track, but at the wrong station in the wrong town and riding on, instead of a train, Gary Busey in a Kayak. (That metaphor was probably close to the high point of the year, which gives you an idea how bad of a year it was.)

I will not miss the corruption, the death, the Great War on Terror, politicians, The Vice President shooting people, Mohammad cartoons, the Winter Olympics, the slow decline of the housing market, false outrage, African baby adoptions, Brad, Angelina, Britney, Linsday, Paris, vacuous celebrity worship, the continual decline of popular music, mindless partisanship, television "news", Lebanon, North Korea, Iran, Iraq, torture, and soul crushing political campaigns. I will not miss one bit of any of that.

It's a pity that so much of won't actually be gone for me to miss it throughout 2007.

So, I will toast the year's passing and dance on its grave. And yet, this time next year, I will wistfully pine for 2006, as I complain how much 2007 sucked.

Here's to all things past!

Tag(s): 2006

So Billy, do you like Gladiator Movies?

I wanted to avoid talking too much about the current Mark Foley (R-Eally Creepy) scandal, but it's like watching an accident on the highway, and you just have to rubberneck and gawk. Or, alternatively, it's drawing me like a moth to a flame... or a Freeper/Moonbat to a flamewar, take your pick of metaphor.

But, before I rip into the meaty goodness* that is this scandal, I thought I'd take the opportunity to lay out my personal biases:

First, and this is evident to anyone who reads this blog thing on a regular basis, I have a (shall we say) "left of center" bias. I hope this does not come as a shock to anyone who believes the internet to be full of non-partisan bliss and rainbow farting unicorns. Or anyone from Wampum.

Second, I work for The Government and Grover Norquist and his ilk want to drown me in a bathtub. Needless to say, I am not a Republican.

Third, my family is a product of the Democratic machine in the City of Pittsburgh. My great-grandmother would rise out of her grave and strangle me should I go "the other way."

OK, that's full disclosure. Let's move on.

NOW, I can't say that the Foley debacle doesn't fill me with some giddy pleasure. I'm not proud of this, I just enjoy seeing hypocrisy exposed.

Second, OK, for starters pedophilia is bad. Really bad. Really, really, really, bad. Go over to 2 Political Junkies, if you haven't already, and look at this clip. Now, while I appreciate the verbal smackdown by the Democratic operative, it would not be the tact I would have chosen. If I was on the hot seat, my only response would have been "At least the Democrats you've listed aren't pedophiles. Or have covered up for pedophiles. Are you suggesting, ma'am, that somehow the corruption of minors with the intent of committing devious acts is somehow equal to, say, regular corruption? And, if so, are you suggesting that pedophilia isn't so bad, by comparison? Ma'am, are you on the payroll of NAMBLA?"

Of course, his response was good too, and I'm not at all disappointed.

Third, I'd like to repeat the Nixonian maxim: "It's not the crime that gets you; it's the coverup."

Fourth, at this point, the Democratic strategy is clear: the leadership of the Republican party in the House of Representatives knowingly supported and enabled a pedophile through their actions and inactions. If you are thinking of voting Republican, do you think that you can, in good conscience, vote for a Republican knowing that the current, corrupt leadership will remain in power?

Fifth, the Democrats don't even have to convince Republicans to vote for them; they just have to convince Republicans that they should stay home on November 7th. Marginal goals.

But, of course, this is all from a Bureaucrat, not a Politician. Alas, I'm incorruptible.**

*Which is, I'm sure, what Rep. Foley called the Senate pages.
**At least until a better offer comes around.

Tag(s): Mark Foley