Allegheny County Names Ego After Cyril Wecht

Allegheny County has officially renamed its County of the Second Class Ego after forensic pathologist, local Democratic Party fixture, man about town, and former coronor Cyril H. Wecht.

Earlier this year, federal prosecutors dropped corruption charges against Dr. Wecht, 78, who had been accused of using his former county staff for personal gain. A criminal trial in the case had previously ended in a mistrial, although it was repleat with the phrase "cadaver stealing".

When reached for comment, Dr. Wecht said it was "a great honor, although, frankly, Dr. Cyril Wecht was hoping for a bigger honor, for me, Dr. Cyril Wecht."

Under Commonwealth statute, municipal entities are entitled to egos once they reach second class status, and become unbearable once they reach first class status.

Cyril Wecht Guilty of "Loving Too Much"

In front of a packed courtroom today, former Allegheny County coroner, noted pathologist, and self-described "shrinking violet" tearfully admitted that he was guilty of loving too much.

"Over the last two years I've been hounded by a Federal prosecutor for crimes that I did not commit. It has drained every penny from my bank account and every drop of blood from my heart. But I never gave up. I didn't give up on myself, I didn't give up on America, nor did I give up on this great concept we call Justice," Wecht said in front of the assembled.

"But there was a crime committed here, one that I was not accused of, but, which, now I must fully come clean. That crime? Loving too much. I am guilty of such a crime, and I intend to serve my sentence without delay or reservation." Wecht's bond was set at $30,000 and he was then led out of the courtroom to a holding cell.

U.S. Attorney Mary Beth Buchanan, who has doggedly pursued Dr. Wecht, remains unsure if she can prosecute for this crime.

"Well, usually Loving too Much is a class two misdemeanor, but with such a high-profile target... that is, defendant, we're probably going to seek the death penalty."

Legal scholars differ on whether Wetcht can be successfully prosecuted. In Michaels v. The People of California, former Wham! frontman George Michaels was found guilty of loving too much in a hotel bathroom stall. The charges, however, were lessened to public indecency, and Michaels was placed on parole.

On his way out of court, Wecht shouted to reporters, "You'd better start building a second prison, because there's not a prison in the world big enough for me and my ego!"

Wecht's attorney's have asked for a complete and total media whiteout of the upcoming trial.

Cyril Wecht Complains that Cyril Wecht Trial Contains Inadequate References to Him, Cyril Wecht

Local blogger attempts rectify oversight by increasing Wecht-frequency in local media, despite former coroner's overwhelming modesty.

Ex-AG Thornburg Calls Wecht Charges "Baffling"

Ol' Dickie Thornburg making waves down in D.C. As covered in the Tribune-Review (for some strange reason):

WASHINGTON -- Public corruption charges against former Allegheny County Coroner Dr. Cyril Wecht are politically motivated, former U.S. Attorney General Dick Thornburgh told Congress on Tuesday.

Thornburgh accused U.S. Attorney Mary Beth Buchanan, a fellow Republican, of abusing federal law to target his Democratic client. Wecht, 75, of Squirrel Hill is charged with 84 counts of theft and fraud, and he is accused of using his public office for private financial gain.

"It is not the type of case normally constituting a federal 'corruption' case brought against a local official," Thornburgh told members of the House Judiciary Committee, which Democrats control"There is no allegation that Dr. Wecht ever solicited or received a bribe or kickback."

Now, this witch hunt, and let's call it that, if nothing else shows the sheer foolishness of the Bush Administration... but not for the reasons you might be thinking.

First, they went after Cyril Wecht.

Think about it for a second: Cyril Wecht.

The Coroner.

The Guy who lost to Jim Roddey for County Executive.

The Guy who spent 178 hours a week on cable news during the OJ Simpson trial.

Cyril?

Really?!?

If the Bush administration was seriously trying to use the Department of Justice to undermine major Democratic Party strongholds, they could've gone after someone with a little more, you know, oomph. I mean, heck, they went after Cyril and Tom Murphy, two men that were so unpopular that even their supporters don't really like them. Was it under achievement day at the Justice Department, or is this what we should come to expect from Liberty University Graduates?

Second, now I recognize that Cyril is a big mucky-muck in the party, but it's not like the local Democratic establishment is lacking other felons... or was Ben Woods busy that day?

Third, seriously, do we really want to inflate Cyril's already ginormous ego by making him a feature of a national GOP witch hunt? Now, at every party we're going to be barraged with Cyril saying "Oh, did you hear that I'm so important that the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy wanted to take me out? No? Well, let me tell you..."

God! He's going to be insufferable now. I mean, MORE insufferable.

And that's the last things that anyone wants: a more annoying Cyril Wecht.

Thanks W. Thanks a lot. Putz.