Rule #37

This may be Rule #37, it may not be... Frankly, I've lost count and need to go back and organize everything one day when I have a couple of minutes and I'm not fretting or flustered or other words that begin with "ph". Really, that's more of a lesson than a Rule: "Don't put off filing.".

(Maybe it is a Rule. I'll mull that over one of these days after a couple belts of Scotch.)

Anywho:

One of my personal trials and travails in the politics of The Bureaucracy is the omnipresent meeting. Meetings are horrible, simply put, and a poorly run meeting is even worse. Without structure, goals, agendas, and predetermined outcomes, a meeting is just an uncomfortable dinner without the food.

Unfortunately, meetings are where decisions are made, opinions are stated, egos are stroked, and information is shared. This does not mean, however, that the invitee list needs to include everyone even tangentially related to whatever you're talking about. I mean, I'm sure Mrs. Z would love to show up and complain about how the cats from next door are pooping on the lawn or Councilman Y to show up and talk at length about some such matter not even closely lated to anything that exists in reality to the point where everyone gets really uncomfortable and starts trying to make their way out the door to subtly give him the hint that he should shut up already, but really they're not needed if a decision needs to be made. If you want ego stroking or information, there are therapists and Wikipedia for those things.

So there's Rule 37 for you:

Not everyone needs to be invited to the meeting.

Rule #36

It always comes back when you least expect it.

Rule #35

*Creaks open ancient tome and blows away thick layer of dust*

Rule #35: It will always take longer than expected.

Rule #34

Dilbert creator Scott Adams once postulated that "There is nothing more dangerous than a resourceful idiot."

This is patently false; resourceful idiots are not necessarily the people in power, ergo:

Rule #34:

There is nothing more dangerous than an elected, resourceful idiot.

Of course, we're the ones who vote for these yutzes, so I suppose that in a sense, an idiotic electorate is just as dangerous.

Rule #33

Rule #33:

It's not real until it has its own acronym.

Rule #32

In light of recent local events, Rule #32:

Cover thine own ass.

Any incriminating documents that you need someone to look after can be sent to notoriousadb@gmail.com.

Rule #31

Without further comment:*

Rule #31: Data, technology, and automatic processes can never completely supplant human interaction.

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* And with the further comment, yes, I recognize the irony, thankyouverymuch.

Rule XXX

I've been mentoring some young bureaucrats over the last few months. They're all basically kids, fresh out of school, wide eyed, looking to make "a difference" in the world. And, while I look forward to the world crushing them into cynical oblivion, at this point they're still pliant enough to work for 60 hours a week on projects that will be crumpled up and filed in the little round container next to the Assistant Deputy Director's desk.

Ah! To be young again!*

The mentoring thing, however, makes me think back to when I was a young, naive bureaucrat, just learning when to leap over the stick or creep under the stick. When you're new it's amazing to watch your seniors and how adept they are at leaping and creeping, and you wonder how long it'll take you to develop those skills.

You never notice it, but eventually you find yourself saying loudly in meetings "Well, that's a #2757B... you need form 7F which needs to be signed by Jim, Margaret, and Ray and submitted to Council by next Thursday...", and watching the novices around the table sit there, scribbling like mad, jaws agape.

So anyway...

Rule #30: If you hang around long enough, eventually you will become an expert in something.

If you hang around even longer, you might even get a pension... but you'll also develop rickets, so there's a trade off... and at the rate we're going I wouldn't actually hold my breath about the pension.

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* Before you ask, no, I'm not mentoring these kids in cynicism. My master class in Bureaucratic Cynicism is only available at an advanced level.

Rule #29

For Sue:

There's always a disparity between those that know how things work and those that have no clue how things work. Unfortunately, those that have no clue about the way things work, details of problems, potential implications of choices, and the law often find themselves in the role of "manager".

In the Governmental world, these are Politicians and their appointees.

So, you can imagine the problems that result when Politicians and their assorted cronies try to fiddle with is what is, by right, the responsibility of those with actual knowledge of the details, i.e., the Bureaucrats. There are oftentimes perfectly good reasons why things are done certain ways, whether it is because of precedent, law, or fiscal obligation. Appointees and politicians, who are not content to stay within their realm of general "policy," often find the need to meddle needlessly... with annoying and potentially disastrous results.

The One-Eyed Fat Man once referred to it as "Children playing with nuclear weapons." I put the resulting fracas a little bit more delicately as Rule #29:

Rule #29: It is very easy to make difficult decisions when no one has a clue what's going on.

Of course, no one should begin to even consider the slightest possibility that I'm even suggesting that this is in anyway a reference to the current Pittsburgh mayoral administration. Anyone who thinks so is sadly mistaken about that being in any way the case, for surely it is not... even if it was.

More Rules of Bureaucracy...

Posted without further comment:

Rule #27: Change sucks.

And one more...

Rule #28: Sometimes the answer is "No."

Rule #26

I haven't done this in awhile, so I'll cut to the quick:

Rule #26: Sometimes you just have to say 'Fuck the Rules'.

There are times when you just have to see the forest and the trees at the same time.

I'll clean that Rule up later for the FCC.... maybe use 'screw' or 'diddle' or 'squrlookal'.

More on Twanda

The Carlisle arraignment seemed to come out of left field for a lot of people... in the same way that a fly ball comes right out of left field for the Pirates: you hear the crack of the bat, the roar of the crowd, but you get beaned on the head anyway, because you were too busy stomping on a beach ball that wandered its way onto the field. If you were paying attention to the ethics board criticisms, the investigations, and so forth, you would have realized that something was going to go down, it was just a question of "when."

What did catch me completely by surprise was the sheer number of charges. I would have figured there would be an ethics charge and maybe something regarding campaign impropriety, but certainly nothing like the laundry list that came down. We're talking Ben Woods level crime here.

Now, it is, of course, improper to assume that the Councilwoman is guilty, and she is entitled to her day in court where she can rebut the charges against her. Still, just from the news reports, Ms. Carlisle is guilty of transgressing at least one of The Rules of Bureaucracy over there to the left: #2 ("The Sixty Minutes" Rule).

It's a hard rule to follow, I know.

The big sin here is that not only did Carlisle (allegedly) do something stupidly illegal, but that she got caught (allegedly) doing something stupid and illegal. And while it is often hard to judge when an action would trigger a visit from the Investigative News Team, I've come up with a little a shortcut, nay, a moral maxim which may help those with lingering ethical dilemmas:

DON'T DO STUPID SHIT!

And if you're still unsure and have lingering moral questions, let me clarify further:
YES IT IS STUPID SHIT!

I hope this helps.


Tag(s): Twanda Carlisle

Rule #25

About time to role out another one of these here Rules of Bureaucracy:

Rule #25: Never voluntarily relinquish control of an original document.

If you give a document to someone, they will invariably lose it.

Always.

These people can't be trusted with dressing themselves in the morning, let alone remembering where they put an original signed copy of an Ordinance correcting and amending Title Four, Article I, Chapter 416, section 416.02 of the Pittsburgh Code of Ordinances to set forth certain permit fees for temporary barricades and for repair or reconstruction of sidewalks.

My filing cabinet has a deadbolt and armed guard. I also keep a file labeled "Original Documents (Not Fakes)" in order to confuse would be thieves. The real documents are hidden in a top secret cave in West Virginia with the Original copies of the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, and Dick Clark.

Be warned: trespassers will be mauled by rabid ninja ferrets. I take the protection of my original documents very seriously.

Tag(s): Bureaucracy

Ol'Froth Meets Rule #7

I don't usually take pleasure at the suffering of others (except maybe Jeff Habay), but Froth had a bit of problem with the General Public today, which I found to be amusing and had to mention herein.

Tag(s): Public Service

Rule #24

The One Eyed Fat Man and I got together recently to share a drink, toast the electoral demise of certain Pennsylvanian politicians, and generally bullshit about Government.

So, this one's from him, more or less:

Rule #24: A Bureaucrat must be able to explain and justify his/her actions to laymen without resorting to the phrase "because the Rules say so."

A Bureaucrat's appointment and job placement are dependent upon his technical qualifications and he must exercise his judgment and skills on behalf of the faithful execution of his official duties, and not just resort to "because the Rules say so."

And I recognize the irony of including this amongst the other Rules, yes.

Tag(s): Bureaucracy, Rules of Bureaucracy

Rule #23

When you read the Old Testament, you watch the Lord moving from the sublime ("I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. You shall have no other gods before me." [Exodus 20:2-3]) to the prosaic ("Do not put on a garment woven with two different kinds of thread." [Leviticus 19:19]). God obviously the same editor as me.

Not that I'm comparing myself to God... well, OK, maybe in terms of rule ordering... but that's it. Nothing to do with divinity, infallibility, or anything like that. Not at all. I wouldn't dream of it. Seriously.

Anyway...

Rule #23: Always sign in blue.

OK, I promise that the next post will be less blasphemous by at least 10%.

Tag(s): Bureaucracy

Rule #22

Just a brief Rule as I am currently deeply engrossed in The Economist article on Pittsburgh that Mike Madison has up on his site. For reference, Mike is including the important stuff, but has (thank goodness) left out the part about "Border Guard Bob". Fortunately for me, my subscription to this noble periodical ends next week.

Anyway, on to Rule #22:

Rule #22: The Budget will always be wrong.

Rule #21

There's a story behind this rule, but it's one that I can't relay to my loyal readership (Hey Sue!).

With that:

Rule #21: If you do your job and obey the law, they can't reasonably fire you.

Rule #20

The One-Eyed Fat Man is coming up on his big 1-year anniversary of doing absolutely nothing, and enjoying every minute of it. We sat down awhile ago to discuss bureaucracy, the government, the current administration, and various miscellany over pizza and beer. Despite his years of work in the government (or perhaps because of his years), he is glad that the golden handcuffs are off and that he is no longer involved, especially considering the current administration.

occasionally, however, he's wont to throw out some pearls of wisdom from his long years of experience.

Politicians are often criticized for not living within their means and are blamed with ballooning deficits and debts. While "living beyond your means" has become synonymous with the American way of life, and oftentimes with the American Federal Government itself, on a more fundamental level, bureaucracies and governmental organizations are hamstrung by rules and regulations preventing them from spending money they don't have. Or, more bureaucratically:

Rule #20: Don't assume a fiduciary liability without a committed resource allocation.

Well... not all of the Rules can be zingers.

Flotsam and Jetsam

A couple things that are floating around in my alcohol, paperwork addled brain. Enjoy.

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Saw this horrible, round glowing thing in the sky this afternoon. It looked like a ball of incandescent gas, a giant nuclear furnace where hydrogen was converted into helium at temperatures of millions of degrees. No clue what it was.

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Ralph Piatt's Millcraft Industries was selected as developer for the Fifth/Forbes corridor by the mayor. I suppose third times the charm... or fourth... or whatever. I'm sure that in his 130 or so days in office, he's been able to make an informed, well planned, non-political decision. Maybe it's even this decision.

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OK, so I was generally wrong in my predictions for election day. I called the easy ones (Casey, Knoll, Petrone), but blew the big ones (Stevenson, Preston, Incumbency retention). The way I look at it, I was 3/6... which is .500. If I played for the Pirates, I would be batting 4th.

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I'd like to send out a big ol' danke schon to the Germans. They know why.

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Rule #9 says "There's a reason, there's ALWAYS a reason." The problem a lot of bad bureaucrats have is that they don't understand the reason, and instead fixate themselves on procedure and policy rather than the underlying reason. With that in mind: Ms. X, you do not need Form 2346-D when Forms 6987-F and 92501 will do just as well!

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OK, that's what I've shaken out. I think I'll go try to figure out how to put umlauts over the O's in hypertext.