Republicans to Sponsor "Grapes of Wrath" Reenactments

(Reuters) Hollywood - Standing next to some of his bitterest foes in Tinseltown, presumed future Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) announced that the Republican party had reached a deal with 20th Century Fox Productions to develop nationwide Grapes of Wrath reenactments.

"I'm a big John Ford fan," said Boehner, "I loved The Quiet Man and How Green Was My Valley, but nothing even comes close to his masterpiece with Henry Fonda. Let me assure you that the Republican Party will do everything it can to make sure that the American people can relive that movie."

Eric Cantor, current House Minority Whip, announced that when the GOP took control of the House in January they would be advancing bills which would defund anti-climate change initiatives to create agricultural wastelands in the Great Plains, allow mortgage companies to more easily seize family farms, encourage strike breaking by non-union farms and factories, and stem the flow of cheap illegal immigrant farm labor and encouraging more Americans to take those jobs.

"Can you imagine the fun kids are going to have playing Ma & Pa Joad while their parents hunt for work," said Cantor.

News Corp, who owns 20th Century Fox, pledged to do its best to help the Speaker-elect advance his dream.

Boehner described The Grapes of Wrath as an uplifting story about how a Christian, nuclear family comes together to explore the West and enjoy the fruits of unbridled capitalism, although he admitted that he regularly doses off during some of the more dialogue heavy bits.

Mr. Boehner also remarked that he was a fan of that Mr. Potter character in Frank Capra's It's a Wonderful Life and would be looking to recreate Pottervilles as well.

USDA NOFA

The folks at the USDA sent this NOFA to me today:

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DEPARTMENT OF AGRICULTURE
Rural Business Cooperative Service
Notice of Funds Availability (NOFA)
Inviting Applications for the Federal Ornithological Wing & Leg (FOWL) Program A/K/A "Cash for Cluckers" Program for Fiscal Year 2009
AGENCY: Rural Business Cooperative Service, USDA.
ACTION: Notice of solicitation of applications.
SUMMARY: This Notice announces the availability of $6,256,000 of competitive grant funds for the RCDI program through the Rural Business Cooperative Service (RBCS), an agency within the USDA Rural Development mission area herein referred to as the Agency. Applicants must provide matching funds in an amount at least equal to the Federal grant. These grants will be made to qualified intermediary organizations that will provide financial and technical assistance to recipients to purchase buckets, sandwiches, nuggets or salads made, in whole or in part, of either dark or white chicken meat. This Notice lists the information needed to submit an application for these funds.
DATES: The deadline for receipt of an application is 4 p.m. local time, September 24, 2009. Applications received before 10 AM will be redirected to the Agency's BREAKFAST Program. The application date and time are firm. The application will not cover "Biggie sizing," "Super-sizing," or any similar programs. The Agency will not consider any application received after the deadline, and reserves the right to put spit, mop water or semen in your application. Applicants intending to mail applications must provide sufficient time to permit delivery on or before the closing deadline date and time, as well as a styrofoam container or other suitable wrapping device. Acceptance by the United States Postal Service or private mailer does not constitute delivery. [Unintelligible mumbling] fries with that? Facsimile (FAX) and postage due applications will not be accepted. Correct change is required.
ADDRESSES: Entities wishing to apply for assistance may download the application documents and requirements delineated in this Notice from the RCDI Web site: http:// www.rurdev.usda.gov/rhs/rcdi/index.htm. Application information for electronic submissions may be found at http://www.grants.gov. Applicants may also request paper application packages, napkins, straws, and honey mustard from the Rural Development office in their state. A list of Rural Development offices and participating locations is included in this Notice.
FOR FURTHER INFORMATION CONTACT: The Rural Development office for the state the applicant is located in. A list of Rural Development State Office contacts is included in this Notice. Please pull around to the next window.

Hundreds Turn out for North Shore Infomercial

Several hundred people jammed onto the North Shore yesterday for an event promoting the "newest technological advancement in home exterior gardening."

The keynote speaker was Vince "Offer" Shlomi, most famous for the ubiquitous "Sham Wow" commercials and for having his tongue partially bit off by a prostitute.

Prior to addressing the crowd, which carried signs reading "No Gardening without Landscapingization" and "Give me Liberty or Give me Dirt," Shlomi said that this was an indication of how strongly people in this country cared about exterior home maintenance.

Organizers said that several hundred people showed up to see a pitch on a petrochemical alternative to their front lawn, made possible by the Oregon Institute of Science and Medicine and Chevron Oil.

Robert Beorn, Vice President for Chevron Oil, who organized the event, said that he had been interested in artificial lawn maintenance for several years. "This event is the culmination of my life's work and I'm so happy that several dozen people have shown up to share in my joy."

Shlomi said that many people can be blamed for the declining standards in home gardening -- Home Depot, Miracle Grow -- "but at the end of the day, you have to go back and look at your own, brown lawn and decide for yourself who's responsible."

The organizers encouraged those assembled to buy into new and improved "astroturf" which is available from fine mult-national corporations everywhere for a low, low price of $19.95 per square yard.

The event culminated by stripping the Allegheny Riverfront lawn, and replacing it with the grass alternative.

Local Bureaucrat Waiting Desperately for Stimulus Money

Arthur Bridges has worked for the state for nearly 30 years, and he says he's never seen conditions this bad.

"It's bad. Really bad," said Mr. Bridges, "We used to have money flowing in, but with the economy drying up, we're really worried. We need some of that stimulus money fast."

Mr. Bridges is the South West Regional Sub-director of the Pennsylvania Lottery.

"You think those scratch-off tickets just show up at the 7-11? No, it takes working men and women several hours a month to deliver all those tickets. If no one is buying them, I have to lay them all off."

The conditions described by Mr. Bridges are echoed throughout the Commonwealth. With less people driving, fewer roads need to be repaired, leaving PennDOT workers standing idly by the side of the road. Costs driving have also reduced the need for tellers at the Department of Motor Vehicles, forcing them to close all but one line. In the Agriculture Department, high wheat prices have stopped farmers from growing crops that they otherwise wouldn't grow except to get the subsidy to throw them away. This has forced the lay off literally five State inspectors. All of these agencies are looking for money from the stimulus bill.

"The Economy is tough," says Pennsylvania Auditor General Jack Wagner, "We'll muddle through somehow, but the money from the Obama administration will not be a panacea for every department. Although, it will help us audit the State's extensive fish hatchery system."

Large chunks of Stimulus Package are already dedicated to school renovations, energy efficiency, housing, and health, with a sizable percentage going to tax cuts. The bill was tailored to be narrowly focused on certain key areas.

Still, Mr. Bridges remains hopeful.

"There's not much money earmarked for the Lottery in the bill. I did see that there was some money to go towards education. I'm thinking we could get a grant to promote our product as a class in probability. Or maybe we could couch this as 'supplementary risk based bonus food stamp allocation funds'. That should probably work."

Money from the stimulus bill is not expect to flow to the States for at least six months.

$838 Billion Bailout Passes Over GOP Calls for More Witchburning

(Reuters) Washington D.C. - Three Republicans joined all the Democrats in the Senate to pass a modified economic stimulus bill that now moves on to a Congressional Conference Committee, despite GOP demands to increase funding to "Witch burning," "Humor-letting," and "Divination."

"This bill is a bloated, unnecessary waste of take payer money," said Minority Whip Senator John Kyl on the floor of the Senate. "Time and time again and throughout history we have seen that witch burning, humor-letting, and divination are the only solutions to economic problems.

Minority Leader Senator Mitch McConnell was on Fox News later in the day echoing a similar theme.

"The Democrat party thinks that spending money on health care, energy, education and infrastructure -- investments that they say with 'save jobs' and 'create new jobs'. But this is just a misguided pork-barrel bill. What America really needs are things that will put money back into the consumer's pockets. Witch burning is just what we need for this economic crisis."

President Obama brushed off such comments calling them "antiquated" and "heathen."

Republicans have pointed to the rise of the world economy at the end of the Middle Ages, which was a high point for so called "black economic arts" and foreshadowed an increase in wealth over the next century. In the 1970s, the Austrian school of economics perfected this theory, which came to include such spells and incantations massive tax cuts and minimal government oversight. Practitioners are said to keep the spirit of the late President Ronald Regan in an amulet hidden in the mountains of Transylvania.

Nobel Prize winning Economist Paul Krugman called the use of witch burning as a stimulus to the economy "laughable."

"Some people argue that the burning of witches will create jobs, first, by creating which burning technicians and, second, by removing people, that is witches, from the job pool. The problem, of course, is that there aren't nearly enough witches or even practitioners of Wicca out there to burn. You'd have a bigger impact if you started burning Episcopalians or Presbyterians."

Former Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson, in a statement to the New York Times rebutted Krugman's claims saying, "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu Rl'yeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!"

The Dow Jones Industrial Average was down over 380 points, driven mostly by collapsing Wizard related industries and the Banking sector.

Dark Clouds and Silver Linings

If you believe the media hype, Pittsburgh's not a bad place to be right now. Businessweek recently called us a "good place to ride out the recession," while Forbes calls us out on both our positive job growth and our strong housing market, and the NY Times slobbers all over us like a $500/hr whore on Elliot Spitzer.

Well, I suppose that's because there's not been a whole lot of call for $500/hr whores in today's economy. Back in the day, John Pittsburgh wasn't actually, let's say "hot with the ladies," but with everyone else wearing cardboard belts, trying to pay for services in pocket change, and with syphilis, Pittsburgh looks pretty good and may do things to you that your uptight Republican wife would never, ever think of doing because her Mother-in-Law's church group is outside the porn store every FRIGGIN' NIGHT protesting something that should be between two consenting and possibly a goat and/or a midget. I mean dammit Louise! Why can't you meet my needs for once!?!

...

I seem to have strayed from my point; let's move to another strained metaphor:

Pittsburgh was the guy in Pittsburgh that was ugly, pimply, had bad teeth, and lived with his mother, who secretly longed for the head cheerleader. Now, at our 20th reunion, our classmates have gotten fat, bald, and unemployed... while Pittsburgh... well, Pittsburgh's a little less ugly, is wearing braces, still a little pimply, lives in the apartment below his mother, but, and here's the important point, looks better than all of its jock former classmates and is in a perfect position to scoop up some 38 year old, single-mother former cheerleader tail.

Where was I?

Ah, yes: Pittsburgh still sucks, but it sucks less than everyone else.

Now, that's not the kind of marketing slogan that the Allegheny Conference wants to splash up on billboards, make into T-Shirts, or advertise along side the next Bassmater Classic. So, I can only assume that this position was reached, not by some careful planning and steady growth strategy, but by accident, completely outside the control of the Economic Development powers that be.

I'm sure that's a real kick in the 'nads to them.

But, let's suppose that this *could* be a strategy for Pittsburgh: one that both invests in low cost of living, moderate (but not stratospheric) job growth in mixed fields, and some sort of modest quality of life improvements. I wonder, what such a Warren Buffet-like, no frills policy would look like? Perhaps that a question for folks with bigger economic development minds than myself.

I mean, it's not like in this economic climate, companies are going to up and relocate to the Burgh just to save a couple of bucks. Existing companies may be looking to expand, but without the appropriate financing available, it is doubtful that any new spin offs can occur during this recession. Something *could* be done, but what that something actually *is*, is something that I don't think anyone has really thought about.

Now, it's a shame that the recession is, you know, destroying the country, but at least there's a silver lining for us.

So far.

Breaking Employment News

From the P-G:

Alcoa Inc. announced today that it will cut costs and conserve cash with a combination of steps... Targeted reductions, curtailments and plant closures and consolidations will eliminate 13 percent of the company's worldwide workforce by the end of 2009, according a company announcement.

In other words, a bunch of their workers got... uh... canned.



Sorry.