Uteruses Could Be Seized for "Public Purposes" Under New Bill

Harrisburg - A bill currently making its way through the Pennsylvanis House Committee for Mining, Community Development, and Banking would extend municipal powers of eminent domain over women's uteruses if women were not making the highest and best use of their lady parts.

The bill's sponsor, Rep. Mike Turzai (R-McCandles Twp) spoke at a committee hearing yesterday in support of the bill.

"Too often we find that women are using their sexual organs, not for reproduction in the service of the expansion of he human race, but rather for enjoyment and recreation. This kind of wanton behavior must be curtailed. This bill would expand the powers of the community to help women put their uteruses to better use."

Joining Rep. Turzai at the hearing were a half-dozen members of the clergy and representatives of religious organizations, including the President of The Catholic University of America John Garvey, who chastised women for their sexual wiles.

"I would have thought that young women would have a civilizing influence on young men. Yet the causal arrow seems to run the other way. Young women are trying to keep up—and young men are encouraging them," said Mr. Garvey. "Frankly, if women don't know how to use their organs, we're going to have to tell them."

Under the bill, uteruses could be seized upon a finding of "blight" by the municipal planning department. Blight, under the bill, is defined as any uterus that is an "attractive nuisance, detractive nuisance, unsanitary, unsafe, vacant, abandoned, or tax delinquent". Women who do not put their uteruses to a "highest and best use" risk having hm seized by he local government and potentially conveyed to private developers or otherwise used for public purposes.

This bill is one of the most recent attempts by legislatures across the nation to regulate reproductive freedom, although it goes further than nearly every other proposed law, with the exception of Oklahoma's prohibition against interaction with menstrating women, which was backed by biblical scholars from Liberty University.

The National Organization for Women immediately denounced the bill as "setting back gender equality by decades" while Presidential candidate Rick Santorum called it "a good start."

Senator Bob Casey Endorses Obama

Stuns Pennsylvania by Offering "Opinion"

(AP) Pittsburgh - In a surprise announcement today, Senator Bob Casey (D-Pennsylvania) announced his support of Democratic Presidential Candidate Barack Obama, which also came as his first official position on anything since being elected to the Senate in 2006.

Casey, who appeared with Obama at a rally in the university district in Pittsburgh, was surprisingly forceful in his endorsement, calling his Senatorial colleague: "a Democratic Candidate for President."

"There are those that say that we should change, while others say that we should remain steadfast. There are those that want to move forward and those that want to step back. There are those that are content with what we have done and there are those that believe that there is much more that we could do. To all those people, I say, the answer is Yes.'"

He added, "For that reason, I acknowledge that Barack Obama is running for President."

The Senator from Pennsylvania was conspicuous in his decision to wear a dark gray suit with blue tie, a drastic departure from his signature beige suit, with beige ties, and matching beige shirt.

Professor Wenfeng Finkle of the University of Pittsburgh Political Science Department called Casey's announcement "a big moment" in the Senator's own personal history.

"People close to Casey were surprised by this announcement considering his previously announced intentions to remain neutral throughout the campaign and term of office. The Senator has been routinely ranked near the bottom of Congressional Power rankings due to his limited tenure and his "don't make waves" policy. It was expected that he would endorse Senator Hillary Clinton, who continues to hold a lead in the polls in this generally conservative Democratic State. The fact that he's making a decision, any decision, is remarkable, but considering the divisiveness of the electorate, this particularly decision is extraordinary."

Insiders believe that this bold move by Casey may be related to the 1992 incident when the Senator's father Gov. Bob Casey, Sr. was denied a speaking role at the Democratic Convention . After the convention, the senior Casey went on vacation rather than campaign for candidate Bill Clinton in Pennsylvania, which was a key swing state.

The former Governor was unavailable for comment.

Senator Casey is currently the Junior Senator from Pennsylvania. He is in his second year of office, following his defeat of Senator Rick Santorum, who had propounded a controversial position regarding "man-on-dog" sex.

Rick Santorum Sees Shadow

Rodent emerges from stump to announce endorsement of Mitt Romney, six more weeks of campaigning

Santorum Joins Think Tank

Two things are wrong with the above headline, first published here.

First, the inclusion of the "think" part.

Second, the exclusion of the "shark" part.

Tag(s): Rick Santorum

Midterm Madness (pt.3)

And Santorum goes down like a gay man on a dog.

What? Too soon?

In Mordor where Santorum lies

Saw this over at JP's other place:

LEVITTOWN - Embattled U.S. Sen. Rick Santorum said America has avoided a second terrorist attack for five years because the "Eye of Mordor" has instead been drawn to Iraq.

Santorum used the analogy from one of his favorite books, J.R.R. Tolkien's 1950s fantasy classic, "Lord of the Rings," to put an increasingly unpopular war in Iraq into terms any school kid could easily understand.

"As the hobbits are going up Mount Doom, the Eye of Mordor is being drawn somewhere else," Santorum said, describing the tool the evil Lord Sauron used in search of the magical ring that would consolidate his power over Middle-earth.

"It's being drawn to Iraq and it's not being drawn to the U.S.," he continued. "You know what? I want to keep it on Iraq. I don't want the Eye to come back here to the United States."

I think that Ricky has a point here as there are some stark similarities* between the Lord of the Rings triology and the GWoT/Iraq War:

• The War is against a faceless, ever present evil;
  
• The King resorts to a backdoor draft by remobilizing the Dead;
  
• There are a cast of characters that are seemingly useless (you're doing a heck of job Tom Bombadil!);
• They are being both led by a shifty, untrustworthy being that used to be human-like;
  
• Frodo and Sam are sent into Mordor without a clear plan, limited body armor, and no real exit strategy.
  

Of course there are some key differences as well. First, in the final section of the third book [the part that Peter Jackson fortunately left out of his bladder busting epic] the War of the Ring actually does come home for the Hobbits, despite all attempts by Gandalf to fight them in Mordor so they don't have to fight them in the Shire. Ricky probably shouldn't have skpped this part, by the way.

Second, the Chieftain of the Dúnedain has actual prior military experience, almost 70 years worth. Today, he'd be Bob Dole.

And finally: Sam and Frodo's "friendship" wouldn't be permitted in today's US Army.

Now, if Santorum was a real Tolkien nerd, he would have realized that there are many more stories within the Middle Earth story cycle that are more apropos to the current situation than just the War of the Ring.

For example, Eärnur the last King of Gondor, in his pride, accepted the challenge of the Witch-King, entered Minas Morgul, and was lost.

OK, maybe a better example would be Ar-Pharazôn the twenty-fifth and last King of Númenor. He usurped the throne, assailed Mordor and brought Sauron back to Númenor as a hostage, but Sauron seduced him promising power and eternal life, and persuaded him to sail on and attack Valinor itself. As punishment for this act, the island of Númenor sank beneath the waves of the Great Sea. Only a few of the Faithful of Númenor, including Elendil and Isildur, survived.

But probably the best example from Middle Earth comes from the first age, when Morgoth assailed and destroyed the two trees of Valinor, Telperion and Laurelin, stole the Silmarils, and escaped to Middle Earth. Fëanor swore an oath to recover the Silmarils, and many of the Noldor followed him into exile in pursuit of the jewels. Through a course of bloodshed and betrayal of the Teleri at Alqualondë, Fëanor and his seven sons returned to Middle-earth, and began a war against the Dark Lord which lasted throughout the first age. The lifes of many Deep Elves were lost but, in the end, it was the efforts of a Man that brought the host of the Valar to Middle Earth to utterly defeat the Dark Lord. In the process, however, all of Beleriand was destroyed.

Of course, Ricky probably skipped all that because of all that Man on Elf sex.

Seriously.

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P.S. I wrote post prior to seeing this. Great minds and all that.

Tag(s): Santorum, Lord of the Rings

National Intellegence Estimate

We here at The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat have secret agents working at every level of Government, passing us vital bits of information which we can use for fun, profit, and sexual satisfaction.  Our super secret mole in the NSA [Bob Jenkins 1315 East-West Highway, Silver Spring MD, (301) 713-3249, Employee ID: 4815162342, Wife Jill and daughters Karen and Susie, Blood type O-] has recently smuggled us a portion of the unreleased classified bit of the controversial National Intelligence Estimate that's been causing all this hubbub.  Here are some highlights:

• Not only does it call the Iraq situation a "dismal failure" and "a haven for terrorists", it also gives the Hotel del Sol in Bagdad's Green Zone two stars and complains about the "frequent air raid sirens interrupting karaoke night";
  
• While the Iraq situation has become a recruitment tool for terrorists, it should be noted that they draw you in with their attractive offers of working from home all while being your own boss, only to be stuffing envelops filled with anthrax.  In that way, it is slightly better than Amway. 
  
• Islamofacism is spreading across the globe; Zenfacism IS.
• The Patriots are totally overrated.
  
• The best vending machine candy at Langley is on the third floor near the director's office.
  
• Troop strength and morale in Afghanistan is being undermined by (1) focus on the war in Iraq, (2) inability to secure effective cooperation from local and national leaders, (3) the rise of the opium trade, and (4) insufficient patriotism from Democrats.
  
• Rick Santorum lives in Virginia. 
  
• Outside of Iraq, Somalia and Yemen are opening up as fronts on the war on terror.  Inside of Iraq, it's too dark to read...  because there's no electricity.
  
• Shi'ites and Sunnis would do a lot better if they just accepted Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Savior.
  
• A sure way for an undercover agent to blow his cover in Iraq is to wish people "a bitchin' Ramadan".
• Daniel Craig is going to suck ass as James Bond. 
  

That's all I managed to get through.  The whole report is kinda long, and rather boring... and there are graphs and numbers.  Actually, truth be told, I didn't even read it.  I'm just going to assume that it says what I think it says.  That's a good strategery, right?



P.S. Dear Mrs. Jenkins, I regret to inform you that your husband valiantly gave his life in the name of satire.  Bill will never be forgotten. 


Tag(s): National Intelligence Estimate, Satire

Labor Day Parade Observations

I'm not really big on parades, but for some reason I found myself standing on the Boulevard of the Allies at 10:30 AM this morning. So, some observations:

1. The best place to sit during the Labor Day parade if you want candy is up on Sixth Avenue. By the time that the parade gets to the Boulevard, everyone's out.
   
2. The parade was headed by a large black banner "In memory of Mayor Bob O'Connor"; banner holders of note included Judy O'Connor, Bishop Bradley, Ed Rendell, Luke Ravenstahl, and Bob Casey. Conspicuously absent was Jim Ferlo, who followed a bit behind in his own car.
   
3. Jim Motznik walked with the Boilermakers; Bill Peduto walked on his own.
   
4. Michael Lamb walked, unsurprisingly, alone. I always feel bad for him when I see him alone. We need to get him an intern just so he doesn't look so lonely in public.
   
5. The respectful pauses and silence in front of the City County Building where the late Mayor was lying in state was appropriate, although the few marching bands that were in the parade were robbed of some of the best accoustics on the route.
6. The SEIU seemed to be the only union that was enjoying itself.
   
7. I don't know what it means when there are more people IN the parade than WATCHING the parade. It's either that the strength of the unions in the City of Pittsburgh is so great that there's no one left to watch, or no one cares.
   
8. I seem to oddly drawn to the bagpipers in parades, but keep in mind I am also drawn towards sticking my tongue into fans.
   
9. I noticed that you couldn't turn around without not seeing a Santorum sign. Can't imagine why that might be...

And the fall campaign season is off to a roaring start! This should be fun.

How do you say, "General Election" in Pittsburghese

Four weeks from Tuesday, the good voting citizenry of Pittsburgh will go to the polls to make an important choice... no, wait, they won't... we did that in May, right?

The November Election is to Pittsburgh Politics what the Supreme Soviet was to the USSR: a rubber stamp validating the choice of the ruling clique. Or, to be less smarmy, it's a pain in the ass to vote twice; we've just shortened the process 'round here.

Honestly, four weeks to go before the general election and I have heard next to nothing with regards to local politics. Zero. Zilch. Nadda. Nothing. And this is from a guy who has his fingers on the pulse of the guy who has his fingers on the pulse of Pittsburgh. You would have thought that I would have heard... ya know... SOMETHING ALREADY.

I've seen a few O'Connor signs up on lawns, true, but they've pretty much been up since February. One guy down the street from me had posted a Weinroth sign, which I believe was eventually stolen... not for malice, but for novelty. The Santorum/Casey race is generating more interest... and that's still a year away... and half of that race isn't even officially nominated yet.

Really, the public visibility has been exceptionally low for the Pittsburgh Mayoral race. I'd heard that Bobby O had agreed to several debates with a cup of coffee, but they were poorly attended by the general public. Joe Weinroth had a compelling engagement with a ham salad sandwich, which ended with a two hour bout of intestinal hemorrhaging, or something. And the other candidates... let's call them "Steve" and "Phil", for I refuse to waste my time finding out if anyone else is actually running... lost their debates with an ATM and the MoviePhone guy, respectively.

Bob's been taking a very laid back approach to this part of the campaign... any more laid back and it might be mistaken for a mural. Part of it, of course, is that he, officially, does not want to seem presumptuous. Pittsburgh does not like presumptuousness (Plaxico, who?). The other part, I feel, is that Bob really isn't quite sure what he wants to be doing when he gets into the mayor's office; better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open ones mouth and lose an election.

This general election may surprise all of us curmudgeons out there, but I doubt it. My money, as well as most of the money out there, is still on O'Connor, and, short of coming out in favor of infanticide or female circumcision, I think Bob has it in the bag.

Shall we start talking about the May 2009 primary yet?

For Those of You Who Missed it...

For those of you, like me, who are cursed with the Post Gazette and the Tribune Review on Sundays, I present the NY Times coverage of Santorum. No, not THAT Santorum. This Santorum.

Best lines in the article:

...[A]Democratic senator who would talk only on the condition his name not be used said: "I'm shocked to see him in leadership, because of his comportment and general disdain for everybody else. There have to be moments of compromise, but with him, it's his way or no way. He really is doctrinaire and sanctimonious."

And also:

Rick and Karen Santorum, a former nurse and a nonpracticing attorney, have six children between the ages of 2 and 14, and live in Leesburg, Va., about an hour from Washington and as close to Washington as they could afford a home big enough for their family.

But anyway, after reading this article I realized that even in good light, this guy gives me the gibblies... and I think that's a matter of belief, not fact.

Flotsam and Jetsam

Just some things from the impending local primary that have been wandering across my brain, but are not substantial enough to actually post about. Consider this a Election Stew Posting:

* I think Tonya Payne should have dumped the "Clean up Our House" tagline, in favor of Payne in the 6th District. Similarly, I like Get Stoned in the 8th District. Both of them have an air of truth to them.

* Speaking of promotional materials in the 6th District, at which meeting did Sala's campaign staff sit down and decide, "Our literature needs to be the same colour as feces?" Seriously. "Taco Bell Green/Brown" is not a colour that inspires confidence in a Leader.

* More on campaign literature: Did you notice that the "Evil" pictures of Michael Diven in Wayne Fontana's ads are the same as Michael Diven's "Good" pictures in his own ads. Diven needs to look less semi-evolved.

* Also on the 42nd Senate Race: After blaming Fontana for the reassessments and the increased property taxes, Diven is also blaming Fontana for the City's budget crisis, increased crime in Brookline, the Pirate's poor season thus far, the missing WMD in Iraq, and the French.

* Thank God we don't have to choose between Jury Commissioners this year. Lord knows I almost voted for the wrong one last time.

* Electing Dwayne Woodruff (yes, the former cornerback for the Steelers) as Judge is no more ludicrous than electing Lynn Swann as Governor. Frankly, I'd prefer Mark Malone as District Magistrate, but there you go.

* Remember: candidate for Judge Doug Walgren was ousted from his re-election bid to the House because the opposing candidate charged that Walgren lived in Virginia, not in his district. That opposing candidate? That pinnacle of virtue Sen. Rick Santorum.

* I say we drop the pretension and create an elected office called "Cyril Wecht"; that way someone else can run for coroner. Not sure what the office would involve, but I think it would have something to do with getting into major media outlets and yelling.

* I haven't campaigned strongly this year, but I am still in the running for the office of "Overlord." I am a write-in candidate, so make sure you tell the people at the polling station that you want to vote "'O'for Overlord". If they resist, demand another ballot. If they don't have ballots, knock over the machines. Chain yourself to the Majority Inspector. [This is largely the same strategy being used by the Ludwig campaign, so if the Majority Inspector is occupied, you can use the Majority Clerk.]

* Go vote tomorrow. Remember, if you stay home, you voted with the majority. Nice going asshole.

Virginia is For Lovers (and Pennsylvania Senators Named Dick)

I just thought the choice of words and juxtaposition of ideas in this article from the Trib was interesting:

Former U.S. Rep. Doug Walgren lost the Democrats' endorsement for Allegheny County Common Pleas Court judge this spring, but he's already won something more important: top slot on the primary ballot...

The fact that he only recently moved back to Allegheny County after living in Northern Virginia hardly seems to matter. Walgren lost his seat in 1990 to Rick Santorum, who painted him as a carpetbagger. Santorum now is a U.S. senator.

Two points:
(1) The second paragraph is superfluous to the rest of the article, which is really about the role that name recognition plays in PA's election of judges, but more importantly...
(2) Do the Editors at the Pittsburgh Tribune Review know what irony is?

Why not go further? A better conclusion to the second paragraph could have been:

"Santorum is a U.S. Senator from Pennsylvania, and now lives in Northern Virginia."

or

"Santorum now is a U.S. Senator, and is now screwing the taxpayers of Penn Hills."

or

"That Dick is now a U.S. Senator."

MUST... RESIST... URGE... TO... KILL...

My soul is weary; I have to go lay in the bath for awhile, lest I have an aneurism.*

Dick!

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*If it wasn't for the horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college.