Open Letter to the Transportation Security Administration

Dear Ballgrabbers,

Look, I get it: the world is a scary, scary place full of people that want to kill us, blow us up, and generally make us stay at home in pants wetting terror. I know this because I've sat through several Michael Bay movies, and I can say without fear of contradiction: that man wants to hurt America.

But seriously, are you really protecting the country, or are you just overreacting in the hopes that doing something, anything will look better than doing nothing? The bad guys are always going to be trying to find new and exciting ways of causing mayhem. It's what they do; it's in the job description. That doesn't mean, however, that wildly flailing at "security steps to take" is going to solve anything.

As much as I love the choice between getting groped by a balding, middle aged agent or getting a cancer inducing picture of my junk, it's really a false choice. You can have security without having to be molested in public. It's in the Constitution... not the "junk" bit, they took that out... but the searching and seizing, yes. And, even though it doesn't say it, I would think that the "in public" bit has got to be implied.

I mean, even Michael Jackson and the Catholic Clergy had the good sense to keep that kind of molesting crap secret.

I'd like to believe that you don't want to do this. I know the deal with bureaucracies: some guy up in middle management has decided that everyone's doing Policy X now, and he's managed to convince his superiors of the same. Now you have to fondle the sweaty balls of some overweight tourist from Des Moines, and he's back in the nice, non-ball grabbing office trying to figure out if the TSA can get passengers to willingly stow themselves in 3 by 3 foot cubes... you know... for safety. I'd also like to believe that you hate this guy and would easily give him a *cough* more thorough examination if you ever had the chance.

But, of course, when you find that single 4 oz of Listerine that some housewife has kiestered in the hopes of having good, fresh breath when she lands, we'll know that all the violations of our persons were well worth it.

Until the bad people think of something even more clever.

Me, I'm taking the train.

Sincerely,

-O
The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat

Security Administration to Begin Driver Pat Downs

(Reuters) Washington D.C. - Transportation Security Administrator John S. Pistole has announced that the TSA will begin random pat-downs of drivers of U.S. drivers for "security purposes."

"We're clearly concerned about weapons, bombs, poisons, water bottles, lipstick, and nail clippers being brought on board civilian aviation craft, but until now, there's been a blind spot in our terrestrial transportation security. This blind spot ends today."

Changes are the result of a routine traffic stop in West Hackensack NJ, when a driver was pulled over under the suspicion of carrying a 4 ton nuclear warhead in his Mazda Miata. Mr. Pistole said that, while the resulting strip search and grope-fest resulted in nothing more conclusive than a three year old Malo Cup, this doesn't mean that the American public shouldn't be terrified.

"Sure, there's one guy in Hackensack that didn't have a bomb... this time. But there are hundreds of other automobiles that could potentially be carrying something lethal: a bomb, anthrax, gasoline... We need to search ever car. You know: for safety."

Road checks will be placed at random intervals along major US highways. Drivers can opt for a "backscatter" radiation scan or a mechanic can disassemble your car by the side of the road. Delays to drivers are not expected to exceed 12 hours per check. Drivers will also be subjected to personal examinations, the results of which will be forwarded to your primary care physician at no extra charge.

Local reaction was mixed to the news.

"I'm not sure how I feel about this," said Betty Cunningham of Blawnox. "Sure, I think that it's a dehumanizing violation of our civil liberties, but on the other hand, I'm really scared of Muslims."

UPDATE: Drivers should be aware that a man in a white tank top and blue cuttoffs seen lurking at the North Somerset rest stop is not an authorized TSA agent. Drivers should not allow him to perform pat downs, no matter how many badges he shows you.

Smile! You're on Ravenstahl Camera

And then there's this:

The city of Pittsburgh, Carnegie Mellon Unviersity, and Community College of Allegheny County this morning announced that they're jointly seeking about $14 million in federal stimulus money to install 220 additional video cameras throughout the city.

The cameras would operate on a wireless network and "dramatically enhance the city's public safety and homeland security capabilities" Mayor Luke Ravenstahl said in a statement.

The city, CMU, and CCAC are hoping to tap part of the $2.6 billion available in the second round of the broadband technology opportunities program. Applications were due March 26. The grant program is administered by the National Telecommunications and Information Administration.

Security. Terror. Crime. Blahblahblahblah.

The only way that I think that I'd be comfortable with this is if the cameras were available for public viewing on the internet. Now, while I realize that this would open up the cameras to public mooning, I'd feel a lot better if I could see what Howard Stern was seeing alone in the dark of his office without wearing pants.

Not that I think that Howard's doing that, but I can't speak for all of his pantless staff. And by "staff" I mean his employees not his...

Anywho, I just want to have a group mooning of Pittsburgh security cameras that I can record and watch repeatedly in my basement away from prying eyes.

Is that wrong?*

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*Yes, probably.

Troops Capture Baradur

Mullah Sauron struck down in air strike by Eagles

Isildur brought down in roadside attack

Location of One Ring still unknown

In Memoriam

I thought you said you'd never forget!

Other Things Tom Ridge Didn't Tell Us

In case you didn't know, there's this:

Tom Ridge, the first head of the 9/11-inspired Department of Homeland Security, wasn't keen on writing a tell-all. But in The Test of Our Times: America Under Siege...and How We Can Be Safe Again, out September 1, Ridge says he wants to shake "public complacency" over security... Among the headlines promoted by publisher Thomas Dunne Books: Ridge was never invited to sit in on National Security Council meetings; was "blindsided" by the FBI in morning Oval Office meetings because the agency withheld critical information from him; found his urgings to block Michael Brown from being named head of the emergency agency blamed for the Hurricane Katrina disaster ignored; and was pushed to raise the security alert on the eve of President Bush's re-election....

Other things that Tom Ridge didn't want you to know:

* Eliminating liquids (including shampoo and toothpaste) from carry on bags was done in order to pressure Johnson & Johnson into contributing more money to the GOP.

* The security alert system was originally supposed to only contain two levels: "pee yourself" and "shit yourself."

* Being commissioner for the International Arabian Horse Association makes a person qualified to head the United States Atomic Energy Commission, not FEMA.

* Bigfoot exists, but it's really some guy named "Lenny" from New Jersey.

* Han shot first.

* For 12 minutes on August 23, 2003 George W. Bush was clinically dead during a cabinet meeting and nobody noticed.

* Barack Obama is really a Kenyan Muslim, but was born in Hawaii.

* Your Rice Krispies are secretly telling you to kill your neighbor's dog.

* To prevent yourself from dying from a chemical attack, duct tape should be strategically placed over your mouth and nostrils.

* Michael Chertoff doesn't blink.

You Forgot Again This Year Too, Didn't You?

A Guantanamo Aside

After hearing Rep. John Murtha's comments on moving Gitmo prisoners to the U.S., I get the sense that this is to be construed as a threat to terrorists.

I mean, have you ever been to Murtha's district? It's like a less refined version of Deliverance. When folk speak derisively of "Pennsyltucky," this is the place that they're talking about. After 24 hours in Greene County anyone would confess to anything: terrorism, kidnapping, canceling Arrested Development... anything.

Although, I suppose that this is all an empty threat considering the administration has outlawed torture...

You Forgot Didn't You?

You Forgot, Didn't You?

Unattended Salad Raises Terror Alert

From the Post-Gazette:

A salad left unattended in a bag under a restroom sink prompted the closing of the Grant Street entrance to the Allegheny County Courthouse and the evacuation of county Chief Executive Dan Onorato's office for about an hour this afternoon.

Bomb sniffing dogs were sent into the ladies room after a paper bag was spotted about 1:20 p.m.

Officials said a salad was found in the bag, and the alert was lifted by 2:20 p.m.

Officers said their actions were a precaution. Other entrances remained open and courts remained in session, but a second office, that of the controller's payroll division, also was evacuated.

The County Police Department has been on high alert for suspicious plant related terrorism since hiring a new self defense instructor (pictured below), who has trained the force in how to defend themselves against passion fruit, oranges, apples, grapefruit, pomegranates, greengages, grapes, lemons, plums, mangoes in syrup, cherries, and bananas.



County Executive Dan Onorato has launched and inquiry as to why more training has not been done regarding pointed sticks.

Chertoff: "Gut Feeling" about Terrorist Attacks

Mars, Inc. suggests: "Grab a Snickers."

Oh My O'Malley

Martin O'Malley raised a few eyebrows the other day when he likened Bush's axing of CDBG funding to Metropolitan Areas to the attacks of September 11th. This caused Democrats to be "abashed" and Republicans to be "appalled".

O'Malley great sin: forgetting that the memory September 11th can never be used except for jingoistic reasons. [Cf. Afghanistan, Iraq, Tax Cuts, Budget Cuts, Homeland Security, Patriot Act, etc.]

Doesn't O'Malley realize that as part of this War on Terrah, him and his commie, liberal, hippie, latte-drinking, pot-smoking, homosexual, tree-hugging, welfare pimp buddies are traitors to this country? I mean really!

O'Malley has some nerve, suggesting that the strengthening of America's inner cities is somehow related the strengthening of the Country as a whole and that an attack on the Cities is an attack on the Country.

Sheesh!

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