Ford alleges "conspiracy" between Housing Authority, Illuminati

Urban Redevelopment Authority Executive Director Pat Ford today strongly hinted that he was "smeared" about his receipt of gifts from a billboard executive as a result of his efforts to blow the whistle on Pittsburgh Housing Authority practices with certain members of an international, secretive cabal known as The Illuminati.

Speaking via telephone from an undisclosed location deep within the South Hills of Pittsburgh, Mr Ford lamented the fact that after 25 years of devotion to "the Brotherhood" he was "offered up as a sacrifice to the almighty Amun."

Mr. Ford is now on paid leave pending a State Ethics investigation as to whether his close personal relationship with a representative of Lamar Advertising unduly influenced and subverted established permit procedures in the erection of a large LED billboard on a new transportation hub at the corner of Grant and 11th Street in downtown.

In a seemingly unrelated matter, Mr. Ford was asked to resign as chairman of the Housing Authority Board under pressure from officials from the US Department of Housing and Urban Development, who cited his role as Executive Director of the Urban Redevelopment Authority as a "conflict of interest."

Mr. Ford believes that there are more sinister motives at play here.

"Do you really think that it's a coincidence that this story broke on April 9th, the same day as the surrender of Robert E. Lee at Appomattox and the day that Francis Bacon, Frank Lloyd Wright and Lorenzo de' Medici all died? All you have to do is tie the pieces together, and you get a conspiracy that is at the root of our Civilization."

When asked to elaborate, Mr. Ford said "Omans! Omans! Find David Icke!" and hung up.

Calls to Illuminati World Headquarters were not immediately returned, however a source that wished to remain off the record believes that Mr. Ford's beliefs are unfounded.

"Does Mr. Fnord really think that with all the black helicopters, dead grey aliens, and a US Presidential Election to rig that the Illuminati even have time to be part of his parochial shenanigans?"

Calls to the Housing Authority were met only with mystical chanting of Ai Ai Meachum Ph'Tagen. Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Meachum Rl'yeh wgah'nagl fhtagn.

Karl Rove

If you don't know by now that Karl Rove is resigning at the end of the month, you've probably spent the last 12 hours under a rock, or, like me cowering under your bed afraid of more severe weather, Steely McBeam, or more severe weather coverage.

The unexpected resignation announced in the new Rupert Murdoch mouthpiece was instantly picked up by the rest of the media, which was picked up by the punditocracy, which was picked up by blogosphere. These are the kinds of announcements that make liberal and conservative pants wet, albeit for differing reasons.

These are also the kinds of announcements that make those in the chattering classes seem smart... or try to seem smart anyway. Now, every minute detail of Rove's actions will be disected, analyzed, disected again, spun, and finally recycled into a C-SPAN "True Washington Story." It is an opportunity for every yahoo with a keyboard and a 50 baud modem to post compelling theories on why he resigned, who made him resign, and what "spend more time with my family" really means.

A lot of theories are going on out there by idiots who have no idea what's really going on.

Here's another one:

Karl was intricately involved in the firing of the U.S. attorneys and was ultimately worried that he would be called to testify in from of the Senate. Far from being fired for political reasons, however, the Attorneys were fired because they were involved in an international Illuminati conspiracy related to Karl's biggest secret: that he was the central product of the 1945 Roswell cover-up of 3 alien corpses that the AirForce hid in Area 51.

Karl Rove was created in a lab from genetic material extracted from an alien anus and combined with DNA from a young Richard Nixon. The US Air Force plotted to use the Alien-Human hybrid to infiltrate the Greys, who had crash landed to Earth on a reconnaissance mission just prior to the explosion of the Trinity Atomic Bomb testing earlier in July of 1945. The plan backfired, however, as the Greys discovered the plot and began an invasion resulting in a secret war between the Illuminati, the Greys and the Greys' Vampire allies, known on Earth as a series of conflicts including the Korean War, the 6 Day War, and the Falklands Invasion.

The elder George Bush, a high ranking member of the Tri-Lateral Commission (a joint venture between the Illuminati, the Masons, and Pepsico), secretly stole the young Rove away to Texas where he could be watched by other members of the cabal. The Illuminati believe that Rove's DNA holds the secret to defeating the eventual conquest of humanity and the Greys have tried desperately to retrieve what they consider to be theirs.

Rove's 3rd protector was George H.W. Bush's oldest son, George W. Bush who kept him out of the spotlight. The Greys realized by 1988 that Rove was involved with W and brought down the Hybrid's protector by slowly addicting him to drugs and alcohol. Bush's later sobreity was not the work of Billy Graham, but rather the replacement of George W. Bush's brain by a vastly complicated super computer controlled by the Greys. [Despite their advanced technology, they could never quite get the language function to work properly.]

Rove, knowing that he was about to be caught, propelled Bush into the public spotlight where Bush could be constantly watched by the media and unable to make any move against Rove. This culminated in the 2000 Presidential campaign, which was rigged to ensure that Bush would not slink into obscurity for at least 4 years.

Rove slowly built up a system of personal patronage around him to minimize Bush's effectiveness and to force the "President" into confrontations with Grey strongholds in Afghanistan and Vampire strongholds in Iraq. The President, however, was able to counter these moves through Grey connections in the Energy and Right Wing Media arenas. The current Wall Street instability, in fact, is merely a proxy war between the Masonic controlled banks and the Vampire controlled housing development industry. The Plame affair was an attempt by Rove to draw media attention to the attempts by the President not to invade Iraq.

However, certain Illuminati operatives in the Justice Department began to suspect that the President was about to move against the half-alien Rove. On March 12, 2007, Rove and the U.S. Attorneys hatched a plot that would allow Rove, now an effective captive of his former "protector" to escape the White House and relocate to a secure facility. The pretense of a politically motivated firing would give Rove enough cover to resign and avoid being killed by Grey death squads at the end of 2008.

The feints, double feints, triple feints, and scurrilous strategies that Rove used against the Democrats were merely covers for his own and the world's protection.

I am currently available for interviews with CNN, the Sci-Fi Channel, and Inside Edition. Please, no kooks.

Montgomery Scott: Public Enemy #1

Since the Minnesota Bridge collapse, I've been cowering under my bed, afraid to go outside into the built environment where a building may fall out from under me or a plane fall out of the sky on top of me. The mere thought of crossing over a bridge has sent me into panic attacks, and I have seriously contemplated how I can get to work without having to cross one.*

The cowering itself has started to affect the cats, who usually spend most of their time under the bed on weekdays. Apparently, I've been muscling into their space, and they are not happy.

This morning, however, I overcame the fear that my DSL line may explode and kill me and those close to me. Tomorrow I may try to venture into the public infrastructure, but I doubt it.

But, while I was peeing into unused water bottles, I came to a disturbing conclusion. There's a pattern to the collapse of the world trade center, the failure of the New Orleans levees, and now the collapse of the I-35W bridge: they are all engineered structures. There have been no other disasters in this country, except for engineered structures. I dare you to try to find a disaster that wasn't engineering relate, 'cause I know you won't try.

The pattern is clear. It's not the terrorists that are out to get us; it's the civil and structural engineers. It's a cabal, along the lines of the Masons or the Illuminati.

There's are secret Engineer "training camps" all around the country going by such innocuous names as "Massachusetts Institute of Technology," "Georgia Tech," and, most ominous of all, "Carnegie-Mellon University."

Lord knows what sick, Anti-American propaganda they are indoctrinating their followers with; they're probably right now holding meetings with secret, bizarre rituals involving slide rules and Star Trek.

We must track these Engineers down before they cause our water lines to explode, or our dams to break.

Until then, I'm staying under the bed with my windows duct taped and plastic over the doors... until the cats kick me out.

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*The solution, it seems, is "learn how to fly."