Allegheny Conference on Community Development Review 2007

I should have known the horror I was in for when the Allegheny Conference on Community Development annual meeting began with a bagpipe solo.

If you recall, last year, the Conference began with a musical number. I'm happy to report that they decided to forgo a repeat of last year's Tony ignored performance and replaced it with a comedy sketch between Washington and Forbes.

You can't make these kinds of things up, folks.

I can't quite remember if it was the forced dramatic irony in which they juxtaposed 1758 Western Pennsylvania with modern Pittsburgh (Forbes Avenue, Most Livable City, Pirmanti Brothers, Terrible Towel, etc.) or the stilted delivery which bothered me more and made me want to drive an ice pick into my skull.

No, wait, the delivery was fine... it was the material that was awful. Next year, I'll have Christopher Rawson do the review for me.

And, by the way, Messrs. Bannon, Coll, & Flanagan: the blockhouse was built following the construction of Fort Pitt. I mean, if you're going to throw out anachronisms, at least get them right.

Anyway, despite all the mean, mean things that the Tribune-Review says about him, Jim Rohr is a very entertaining speaker, especially given the awful, horrible, no-good material he has to work with. I mean, they didn't even do a good job in trying to hide the fact that they basically stole a whole bunch of last year's slides. Yours truly actually remembers the bizarre 20-24 age cohort as compared to Boston or the weird corporate net-income tax graph; I know a recycled PowerPoint presentation when I see one.

At least, however, Mr. Rohr is fully aware that he is the only person standing between those assembled and the open bar. [He's also aware that those assembled are the only people standing between him and the bar.]

Still, it was a bit upsetting to see that the ACCD was only measuring a C+ average when compared against its 2006 goals. It did receive an A+, however, in only being an hour and a half long.

Back in my day, these things lasted for seven days straight.

CEO Mike Langley didn't have much to say, however, the statistics he pulled out that the per capita income in the region moved up from 60th place in the country to 48th place, merely seemed to indicate that we have a lot of retired and/or dead people out there. [If you mess with the denominator, your percentage looks better, faster.] I'm upset by the fact that they didn't draw the obvious conclusion: we should kill all the employed old people.

Susan McGalla and David Malone, who spoke on Education and "The Pittsburgh Regional Compact" need to learn that (a) they need not wear such ridiculous outfits and (b) together they are duller than a ball peen hammer. Additionally, the Pittsburgh Regional Compact using a spiky haired, headphone wearing, back pack clad stick figure to represent the region's youth is ridiculous.

Youth today have iPods.

Glad to see that former O'Connor appointee Paul Leger has found his way back to the conference, however, even if it was working on this area.

My summary of the Taxes and Regulation's section is as follows: "Dull... dull... dull... competive access to power... dull... clean air... dull... high corporate income tax rate... incoherent slides.

From the Local Government committee we find out that Southwestern PA has more governmental organizations that 22 state, that the ACCD has kinda blown off the City/County merger thing, we have a dysfunctional EITC collection system, and that this meeting is so important that the Mayor of Pittsburgh has decided to blow it off.... probably in favor of another golf game.

I am upset that, once again, ACCD did not actively advocate for conquering Mt. Oliver and burning it to the ground.

From the Transportation cohort, we are informed that PAT drivers have salaries that are too high and benefits that are too generous. It sounds like if it were up to the ACCD, PAT employees would be flogged with reeds or drawn and quartered.

As a blast from the bast, there was further hand-wringing over the airport, only this time it was about not having a major hub... even though originations and departures were up.

China apparently has agreed to a cargo shipping route with Pittsburgh, making us a major import hub for the East, and also relieving the region of its feral cat problem.

Oh, and we should all leave Pittsburgh on airlines that service people... like... immediately.

From the business development side, it seems that the best place in public service is the PRA, which is undertaking a junket to Europe with the PSO and a trip to India.

For what it's worth, I get to go to Overbrook next week... if I'm lucky.

From the marketing department: Image is up, Weeds is inexplicably good, Imagine That! is horribly designed, Trucks are good, and the Pittsburgh 250 ads are probably worth mocking.

Speaking of which, did you know that the ice cream scope was invented by a Pittsburgher... who was Black? These are other awkwardly conspicuous gender and racial facts can be found in the ACCD Pittsburgh 250 chronology.

But, to that end, the following Pittsburgh 250 events are taking place in the coming year: the opening of Point State Park, a Pennsylvanian "Tour de France" but in PA, a festival of lights, a wedding vow renewal, David McCullough will be brought out of deep storage, the Carnegie International, cake, lead will be turned into gold, and Murray Gerber will rant endlessly about the state of education in the region.

So, on the whole, it wasn't a bad night... and "Bassmaster" was only said once.

And the reception was good this year, even though Larry Dunn looked lonely again.

Flotsam & Jetsam

Every now and then, I have to shake out my head and gather the assorted half-jokes, near posts, and other miscellany that fall out. This is one such post:

With the promotion of Trotsky et al it seems obvious to me that the only way that you can get ahead in the Ravenstahl Administration is to commit some sort of domestic abuse. Heads up Mesdames Costa, Graziano, Tutsock, Onorato, Dettore, Stern, Petite, Ashley, McCaughan, and Specter: you may find yourselve "running into doorknobs" or "falling down stairs" in the near future.

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Grant's s word nets $1.6 million at auction. I wonder what that word was. My guess is "solipsistic," but it could've just as easily have been "Scotch."

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Fetus stashing? I didn't realize that fetuses were something you could stash, like old Ramen Noodles. I figured that you'd want your fetuses catalogued and organized, not just tossed in the back of the closet.

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So Dick Cheney says that he's not part of the executive branch and not subject to executive orders, as he's the President of the Senate. Curses! Dick has foiled the Democrats again. If only they had some power in the Senate...

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They're cutting PAT bus routes again in September. This is probably a question for Jim Rohr or anyone else in the Region that runs a 24hr business that needs low wage employees, but how much will these cutbacks affect those kinds of businesses? Perhaps the head of the Allegheny Conference should start looking into that kind of thing. A lot of good a shiny operations center is going to do you if you can't staff it between 11 PM and 7 AM.

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OK, that's it. I'm running away to Glacier National Park to live as a homeless person.

P-G vs. Trib vs. Jim Rohr

The P-G has called out the Trib over their daily editorial-page feature "lambasting and lampooning PNC Chairman Jim Rohr for accepting $48 million in taxpayer support to help build a new Downtown skyscraper. The P-G asks in its headline, is the anti-Rohr campaign over the line?

The answer, or course, is no. Not even close.

Here are some gems that the Editorial Board of the Tribune Review felt were too "over the line":

Why won't you deny that you've stopped raping puppies Mr. Rohr?

Mr. Rohr, tell the world that you never fathered an illegitimate black baby!

Would the City and County have given you the money if you hadn't been nailing Jane Orie, Mr. Rohr?

$1.50 fee to use a third party ATM? Well lah-dee-dah, Mr. "Rohr-ckafeller"!

Jim Rohr: How do we know that he's not up all night sacrificing aborted fetuses to his dark god?

It's it time that you stop hiding your love of underage male Vietnamese prostitutes, Mr. Rohr?

Jim Rohr can no longer satisfy his wife sexually.

You know when your at a party and someone picks up an hors d'ourve, takes a nibble, and puts it back? Jim Rohr does that.

There is no evidence that PNC Chairman Jim Rohr isn't just seven midgets in a fat suit.

You smell like poop, Mr. Rohr.

Yeah, well... uh... Hey! Jim Rohr! The jerk store called and they're all out of YOU!

You claim to be a victim of a scurrilous editorial page masquerading slander as pseudo-populist outrage, but we all know that you're using taxpayer money to fund your coke addiction, Mr. Rohr.

And finally:

You know who else liked public subsidies, Mr. Rohr? Hitler!

Tag(s): Jim Rohr

Allegheny Conference on Community Development Review 2006

Somehow my invitation to Thursday's 2006 Allegheny Conference on Community Development Annual Meeting got lost in the mail. I'm going to blame last year's posting on the event, in which I used the phrase "Bassmasturbation" 147 times. Undeterred, I forged a crude invitation using old Post-It Notes, some glitter, glue, and macaroni and slipped in disguised as a Coro Fellow. Using a technique I learned amongst Buddhist monks in the Tibetan Himalayas, I passed unnoticed by several security guards and disguised myself as seat EE 29 in the third tier. There, I waited for 23 hours in total silence until the program started.*

And if you've never seen an Economic Development meeting begin with a musical number, you ain't never seen anything not like this before.

No, I'm not joking. The conference began with "The Grass is Always Greener" the opening number of the musical smash Pittsburgh: Quit Yer Bitchin', which the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette called "The feel adequate show of the Summer."

And jazzhands!!

Chairman & CEO of The PNC Financial Services Group Inc., James E. Rohr, made a very good MC for this event, with his penchant for stepping out from behind the podium and addressing his staff in the audience. It made the conference seem almost human for a few moments as he breezed through the same slides as last year with the same questionable statistics.** But he did try to get the positive energies flowing amongst the conference attendees.

Contrast that to the other speakers, who were focusing on Taxes, Workforce Development, Government, Transportation, and Regionalism:

John P. Surma Jr., Chairman & CEO, United States Steel Corporation and graduate of the William Shatner School of Public Speaking,*** managed to make the already boring subject of corporate tax rates so boring that we could have made it all the way to the Earth's Core.

Not every speaker was a former member of Second City, and American Eagle President Susan McGalla was no exception. There is a script Susan; please try to follow it...even if it is about workforce development.

Thomas L. VanKirk, CEO of Buchanan Ingersoll & Rooney PC, tried to rip apart the podium with his bare hands which, for those of you who may be unfamiliar with it, is a legal maneuver first made popular in the landmark Supreme Court case Schenck v. United States by Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes.

Mr. VanKirk did get the opportunity to introduce two very important guests: Allegheny County Chief Executive Dan Onorato and his kid brother Luke Ravenstahl, who spoke about governmental consolidation (especially the soon-to-be announce merger of the City and County Purchasing Departments) and really cool bikes. If you were hoping to drink every time Luke said "Moving Forward" would have been sadly sober, although you would have been blasted if you had chosen the word "Efficient."

Also announced was a major investors trip to China who, apparently has $1 Trillion to burn. Don't know where they might have gotten that from.

Michele Fabrizi, President & CEO of MARC USA, called on those in attendance to help "spread the word" about Pittsburgh. The conference provided a list of 10 Facts about the Region to be used, you know, in casual conversation with outsiders. For example:

Sir, did you know that Pittsburgh boasts one of the largest collection of certified "green" buildings in the nation.

I don't care asshole! If you touch the girls again, I'm going to throw your drunk ass out into the street.

OK, perhaps it won't work in all situations, but here's some of the facts that YOU can use:

Pittsburgh's cost of living is 93% of the national average.

Our region lives within 3000 miles of 99% of the entire U.S. population.

The average cost of an existing home is less than or equal to 50% of the total cost of all the homes in the region.

All trees in the region take in Carbon Dioxide and release Oxygen, which is vital for life to survive.

Pittsburgh ranked 8th in the nation for made up facts per capita.

So memorize some of these facts and spread the word.

Sadly missing this year, was Murray Gerber's tirade on Education, the general handwringing over the airport, and the word "Bassmaster". On the plus side, it did only run an hour and fifteen minutes, unlike the 2005 Conference Meeting which, I believe, is still going on right now.

The best part of the conference, of course, is the meet & greet afterwards as everyone rushes the buffet. Conspicuous amongst the attendees were Councilman Bill Peduto, Congressman Elect Jason Altmire, Ex-County Commissioner and Weasel Impersonator Larry Dunn, and Ex-County Executive Jim Roddey (who bailed after 30 seconds). Conspicuously absent, however, was Luke who ducked out shortly after his bit, probably because it was a school night. Dan Onorato did hang out for awhile, pressing the flesh.

The hors d'oeuvres were better this year, by the way, mostly because I was able to snag a few.

The ensuing hangover, however, laid me out for three days.

Perhaps next year, I'll be on the invitee list, and won't have to sneak out as an art history docent again.

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*This is all patently false.

**The Pittsburgh Region, apparently, has more jobs now than it has ever had in its history.

***School Motto: Khaaaaaaaan!

Allegheny Conference on Community Development Review

Let's get down to it:

Generally, when Murray Gerber, President and CEO of Equitable Resources, has to ask you to stand up and stretch before his speech, the conference has gone on too long. Also the people in the back rows and the upper balconies somehow managed to find their way into the reception at least an hour before those on the ground floor... but we'll get to that in a minute.

As I mentioned before, and true to my expectations, The Bassmaster Classic was a highlighted feature of the Conference presentation; the word "Bassmaster" was mentioned 8 times during the 2 hour and 6 minute presentation. This did not include the near half-dozen times they showed the word "Bassmaster" on the screen. The only consolation was that I came closest in the pool: I bet that they would mention "Bassmaster" 10 times.

Anyway, here are the Conference's 2005 Accomplishments:
* Aversion of the City of Pittsburgh's Financial Crisis
* Row Office Reform
* Elimination of the State's Capital Stock & Transfer Taxes
* The Sun Coming up in the East and Setting in the West

Well, OK, not the last one.... but the way that they were talking, you'd think that it would be the next logical accomplishment.

Of course, the "Alanis Morrisette Memorial Award for Irony" went to the call for the Conference to "embrace change". Of course, in the next breath they exhorted the media, rather than being negative, "to be part of the solution." Can't imagine what that might have been in reference to.

Big focus this year is on Cluster Development Strategies, namely Advanced Materials, Information Technologies, and Bioscience. The Advanced Optics Cluster in Armstrong County got a big video shout out, as did the creepy "Quasi," an entertainment robot out to find Sarah Connor.

The strategy is to develop the capabilities of Oakland to capture this cluster development through:
* The Schenley Plaza expansion
* The Improvement of Transit
* Connecting Oakland to the Second Avenue Development Sites

Oh, yeah, and tech-transfer and public sector support.

For some reason, they showed slides of their vacation to Boston. I think they went on a 54 hr. benchmarking binge. Turns out that since 1998, Boston's cohort of 20-24 yr. olds only grew 4% as compared to Pittsburgh's 12%. More on that later.

Of course, the big thing that everyone was talking about before the meeting was the 250 Anniversary "Rebranding"... which wasn't so much of a "Rebranding" as it was a deadline. By 2008 The Conference will:
* Change Government in Southwestern PA
* Make Taxes More Competitive
* Improve Infrastructure
* Improve the Workforce
* Achieve Growth in Strategic Sectors
* Solve Fermat's Last Theorem
* Change Water into Wine
* Become Love

But back to workforce development, which is only slightly less exciting than that Wine thing.

Turns out that the Children are Our Future; risky investment there. And though it has been rarely asked, "Is our children learning?" The Conference has asked, and the answer is, "No, they isn't."

The Conference has been on this kick for the last few years to make every fifth grade in the region proficient in reading and math. Turns out that we've had modest improvement in reading, which is tracking well against the trendline, although math is lagging behind.

So they bring out the Superintendent from South Fayette who's had success in improving her district. Her plan:
* High expectations (everyone can succeed);
* Create a culture of learning, driven by data;
* Create a Common vision for Board & Staff and reinforce it with shared accountability.

I distinctly heard a "BULLSHIT!" coming from behind me when she got to point 1.

Taxes and government need to be reformed. Their studies indicate that the SWPA region ranks high in municipal "stress," i.e., too many complicated layers of government in too small of an area. Nothing was said about "Bureaucrat Stress"... although judging by the amount of alcohol served at the reception, I think they found a way to relieve it.

Oh, yeah, and the Corporate Net Income Tax is high. That's bad, apparently.

But back to Pittsburgh 250... no, let's not.

But, and this is at about the 1 hour and 45 minute mark, incoming Chair James E. Rohr had a few (15) minutes to talk about his "vision" for the region. Simply stated, his first point was this: since 1983 we've come a long way. His examples were the transformation of the Cultural District, the North Shore, the South Side, and Homestead... all of which were decimated after the final fall of Steel in 1983. His statistics to prove that we are improving: Since 1983, job growth is up (See! There ARE jobs). Since 1998, the 20-24 year old cohort has increased 12% (See! Young people ARE coming here). Secondary schools are performing well (See! The Schools aren't completely F'd up!).

His plan, and he has consultants for this, is to
(1) Reform Taxes and Government
(2) Improve Transportation (including the Mon-Fayette and increasing access from the Airport to Oakland & Downtown)
(3) Sell the Region (We're apparently too negative about ourselves)

Critique
OK, Jimmy... you just spent 30 minutes telling us that the schools are underperforming, and now you're telling us they're fine...

You spent the last two years telling us that Young People have been leaving the city, and now you say that they're staying in droves...

(And, as a side point, you used a stupid statistic: 20-24 yr olds are a ridiculous example; how are we doing with people that, you know, have jobs? Say, 25-35 year olds?)

You constantly say "we need more jobs" and then say, "hey, job growth has been good for the last 20 years"...

You say, there needs to be a transit link from Oakland to the Airport... but you've obviously never ridden the 28X bus. $2 to the airport... perhaps your staff is familiar with that route?

You say, we need the Mon-Fayette Expressway to create jobs in the Mon Valley, but then say that all those jobs disappeared 20 years ago...

You talk about Direct and Indirect Influence of the Conference... but you don't ever explain what that means...

And frankly, you seem to take a lot of credit for stuff you may, or may not, have done.

This is what I came away with from the meeting: The Conference needs to re-image itself as a touch-stone for businesses. Screw all this Community Development bullshit; come to terms with the fact that The Conference is in it for the Benjamins.

This is not a bad thing: the region needs jobs, it needs businesses, it even needs people to organize this kind of stuff... just don't pretend that you are the be all and end all of growth and development in the region. Focus, instead, on what seems to be your core competencies: lobbying, data collection, and booze.

So add me to the negative voices.

Reception

The Conference reception is, by far, one of the great ugly people conventions in Pittsburgh. It's a chance for Everyone and Anyone to forget they are No One, and pretend to be Someone. And there are a lot of ugly people. Including Larry Dunn.

And, because all the people in the peanut gallery decided to sneak out at about 1 hr 12 min into the presentation, the hors d'oeuvres were picked clean.

It took a lot of drinking to undo the evening's damage to my psyche, but I hope to go next year as well.