Corbett Proposes Privatization of Governor's Office

Harrisburg - Governor Tom Corbett is seeking proposals from firms to privatize the day-to-day operations of the Governor's office in order to maximize savings to taxpayers.  

In a statement released today, Mr. Corbett said "For too long Government has been in charge of running its own operations at the expense of the taxpayer.  Today, we're taking a bold step in removing Government from, not only people's lives, but from Government itself."  

The Governor's announcement comes on the heels of a request for proposals for the private administration of the Pennsylvania Lottery, the Privatization of the PA Turnpike, the proposed privatization of the State Liquor Stores, the Privatization of Commonwealth Oil & Gas rights, the elimination of the Department of Conservation and Natural Resources, the selling of the City of Du Bois to Range Resources Inc., and the purchase of the naming rights of the State Capitol (now known as the Comcast Capitol Center).  

The request for proposals covers nearly all aspects of the duties of the Governor's office, with the apparent exception of the Governor himself.  It is unclear if policy decisions will also be sub-contracted, or if they will remain with the State Oil & Gas Lobby.  

John Fogarty, Vice President at the Heritage Foundation, applauded Governor Corbett's actions.  

"Republicans have always said that Government just does not work; Mr. Corbett is proving that point.  The more that Government gets out of the business of government, the freer Pennsylvanians will be to chose a government that does not work for them."  

Among those firms potentially interested in the possibility of providing Governor's Office services are Xe, Accenture Ltd., Tyco International Ltd., and PwC Consulting Ltd., all of which have a long history of quality subcontracting services to other Government and Private agencies.  

Critics of the Governor in the State Legislature have voiced concerns that this proposal would unnecessarily add a level of management and open up the Governor's office for graft and corruption, or at least more so. 

Mr. Corbett, however, remains adamant about his choice of privatization.

"It doesn't take an idiot to see that by privatizing public goods, corporations can make money.  How anyone can be opposed to the freedom to make money, is beyond me."  

The Governor is also expected to announce the privatization of 4/10ths of what's left of his intellect and his immortal soul in the coming days.  

State Supreme Court "Can't See Ship" in Legislative Redistricting Map

In a stunning rebuke to the state GOP and mall kiosks everywhere, the State Supreme Court threw out the proposed legislative redistricting map because it couldn't see the ship that was supposedly contained within.

"This court finds that the final 2011 Legislative Reapportionment Plan is contrary to law," the seven-member court said, in a 4-3 decision. "Plus, we've been staring at it for, like, five hours now and we can't see anything."

Writing for the majority, Chief Justice Ronald Castille of Philadelphia said, "The Legislative Redistricting Commission keeps telling us to 'look past' the picture and let our eyes settle.  What the hell does that mean?  I'm not getting it, sorry."

The three minority justices, in their dissent, wrote "What do you mean you can't see it? It's so easy!  It's a ship, come on!"

Democratic legislators had argued that the proposal had gerrymandered districts to ensure solid Republican districts and had disenfranchised those with only one eye.

"This decision today is of historic proportion. I'm very pleased," a victorious state Sen. Jay Costa, D-Forest Hills, said Wednesday night.  "The Democratic party will continue its fight for the enfranchisement of Pirates, Cyclops, and Sandy Duncan."

Under orders from the high court, the Plan has now been sent back to the Commission where it is expected to be retooled as a Rorschach Test.


The map in question

State GOP Unveils "Post-Modern" Redistricting Map

Members of the State GOP today unveiled a new restrictricting map, which seeks to redefine the concept of "Map-ness".

Flanked by prominent members of the post-modern philosophic elite, State Sen. Chuck McIlhinney, R-Bucks called the new map "a bold deconstruction of the hermeneutical boundaries of visual language".

"When most people think of maps, they impart some sort of arbitrary meaning to the representations. Our goal here is to remove those artificial structures that we as a society impose upon ourselves in the hopes that we can truly understand what it means to be representatively governed".

The "map" itself is not a map in the tradition sense of the word, but rather large ideas, pictures, and strange symbols plastered to the side of a cow with a helmet on. The words "4th District" and "Chocolate Pudding Slide" figure prominently into the designs, which draw influences from such disparate sources as Ludwig Wiggenstein and Jacques Derrida and also eliminates Rep. Jason Altmire's district entirely.

The work was immediately denounced By State Democrats.

State Rep. Greg Vitali, D-Delaware County, blasted the shape of the 7th District, calling it "an absolute, unmitigated disgrace. I am shocked and speechless. It disregards continuity. I am shocked at what people who are drunk with power would do when given authority."

"Plus, it is totally phallic in shape, a symbol of the oppressing patriarchy of what can only be described as the cold, womb-less environment of our state government."

Classical Philosophy trained Government Officials have also denounced the map, preferring instead to leave the final decision on the shapes up to a panel of philosopher kings.

And then...

There's this bullshit:

State Reps. Daryl Metcalfe and Harry Readshaw think Pennsylvania should follow Arizona's lead and "protect its borders and citizens" by giving local and state police more power to arrest, detain and eventually deport foreigners who have entered the state illegally and don't have proper registration papers.

That kind of weapons grade stupidity needs to be outlawed by the Geneva Convention.

Now, let's set aside for a moment that "protecting the borders of the USA" is the job of, you know, the Federal Government and let's set aside the fact that this kind of legislation would open up the Commonwealth, not only to lawsuits by those that are unlawfully detained, but to requests by state and local police for things like training and resources to enforce this kind of law ("resources" that don't exist in the current $1 billion budget hole). Let's really focus on the fact that, if there are 140,000 illegal immigrants in the Commonwealth that's 140,000 people that *are being counted* towards things like, oh I don't know, the Census, which keeps us from hemorrhaging population.

So fuck Metcalfe and Readshaw: bring as many goddamn illegal immigrants to PA as soon as possible. Build towns, boroughs, cities. Drive up the population. Drive up demand for services. Increase the tax base. Increase the number of seats Pennsylvania has in the House.

... Unless, that is, Metcalfe and Reashaw themselves are illegal immigrants. Actually, now that I mention it, they've never actually released their naturalization papers, have they? What kind of name is "Metcalf" anyway. Sounds foreign to me. How do we know that they aren't in Harrisburg taking the jobs of good, hardworking Americans?

SHOW US YOUR PAPERS DARYL! SHOW US YOUR PAPERS HARRY!

You damned, dirty illegals. Don't make us deport you back to Guatemala.

Rendell Chooses "Mystery Box" in Lieu of Table Games

Harrisburg (Reuters)- Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell chose "The Mystery" box over signing legislation that would have allowed table games in Commonwealth licensed casinos.

He made his choice on bill 711 after being presented with the Box by Rep. Monty Hall, and at the encouragement of the Studio Audience.

Mr. Rendell did say he has some "misgivings" about the bill and was looking for another alternative to plugging the Commonwealth's revenue short falls.

"The bill is laden with pork and special projects and will only acerbate lingering social issues that casinos cause, while returning nothing of substance to communities in the long run. And, I mean it's a 'mystery box'. Who doesn't love a good mystery?"

Senate Republicans were not impressed by the Governor's Choice. State Senator Lisa Baker, who was dressed as a duck for the occasion, said that Rendell should have held out for the next round.

"He could have had his choice between Door Number 1, Door Number 2, or Door Number 3, but instead he went straight for the box. Anything could have been behind those doors: cars, dunebuggies, catamarans... you can't fit those kinds of things into a box, no matter how 'mysterious' it may be."

Bill 711 was designed to help with a revenue shortfall in the previously approved state budget. The mystery box may or may not be able assist in those matters.

The Governor said he was comfortable with his choice, but was alarmed by the sudden presence of Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman.

Contents of the "mystery box" will be revealed tomorrow.

Of Mice and Men

Caught this story in the Trib:

The cafeteria in Pennsylvania's Capitol was shut down and workers scoured the facility Friday after health inspectors found evidence of a rodent infestation and dishwashing water that wasn't hot enough.

The ground-floor cafeteria, a popular coffee and lunch spot for visitors to the statehouse and people who work there, was closed Thursday after state Department of Agriculture officials made an unannounced inspection.

"There were mouse droppings around the facility too numerous to mention," said Justin Fleming, a spokesman for the state Agriculture Department.

The droppings, which indicate the presence of live mice, are considered an imminent health risk, Fleming said. A leak that prevented the water in dishwashers from becoming hot enough to sterilize plates and utensils also was considered an imminent threat, he said...

The word "Under the Dome" is that the rats in the legislature were tired of the competition.

Rumors are that former Democratic Whip Bill DeWeese had been seen last week fighting a rodent for a piece of cheese. That rodent was later identified as Republican Minority Whip Mike Turzai.

The foul, disease filled festering vermin will be trapped and sent off to be used as snake food, while the mice will be humanely released elsewhere on Capital grounds.

Grand Jury Indicts Entire City of Harrisburg

A statewide grand jury has accused the entire City of Harrisburg, in a wide-ranging investigation into multiple different charges ranging from murder to removing tags from mattresses.

This summer, several aides to high level legislators testified before the grand jury that hundreds of thousands of Harrisburgers had committed thousands of crimes. Investigators believe that these residents did, with malice and forethought, intend on committing criminal acts.

Attorney General Tom Corbett, who led the investigation and who is charged with armed robbery, said that while the investigation has taken untold numbers of man hours, the results were "well worth it."

"This just goes to prove that the entire City of Harrisburg, from the Governor to the guy that sleeps on Front Street is guilty of something and should be locked away forever." Mr. Corbett was then led away in chains.

Governor Ed Rendell issued a statement from Dauphin County Prison saying that he was "disappointed" in the City and that he would appreciate a "Ile-fay" in a "Ake-cay".

State Police closed in on the State Legislature as they voted on a bill to legalize table gaming, an obvious trap set up by the Attorney General's office. A warrant has been issued for State Senator Jay Costa who did not make the session. He is believed to be hiding with his brothers Dom, Guy, Jermaine, and Tito.

The Grand Jury is expected to hand down more indictments involving Centre County and the 3100 through 3300 blocks of Winter Street in Philadelphia.

A Bureaucrat's Aside Re: Bonusgate (Part II)

Wouldn't it be easier for Tom Corbett to indict everyone in Harrisburg and just figure out what they did later? There's enough of them; statistically, they're all guilty of something.

Alternatively, anybody want to bet that Auditor General (and potential opponent for the Governorship) Jack Wagner releases a competing report saying that entire State House is grossly mismanaged and inefficient, just to show up Corbett?

(Of course, where would anyone get an idea like that?)

PA State Rep. Daryl Metcalfe Believes Dwarves Are Stealing His Socks

In an official interview to ADB+, PA State Rep. Daryl Metcalfe has admitted to our editorial board that he believes that dwarves are stealing his socks.

"I´m not saying that all dwarves are stealing my socks -- the longbeards and firebeards are particular exceptions -- but my socks are going missing, and the only explanation is that dwarves are doing it."

Rep. Metcalfe met with our editorial board (which he collectively refered to as "Alan" throughout the meeting) yesterday, and discussed topics ranging from his recent disagreement with Iraq war veterans to his belief that the current President is not a citizen of the United States. He spent most of his efforts, however, in discussing dwarves that are stealing his socks.

"They´re probably using them to make formulas to brainwash us. That´s why I always keep my feet in water -- they´re like ants, they can´t get through the water. And they need you´re socks to brainwash you... no one else´s socks will work. I caught one of them once. He looks like my Bassett Hound Terry, but I could tell the difference. They´re sneaky bastards."

The interview ended abruptly when Rep. Metcalfe yelled "Bats!" and lept out the window.

More tomorrow in ADB+.

Senate leaders boycott Senate leaders' budget proposal

(AP) Harrisburg - State Senate leaders today boycotted a conference committee meeting organized by state Senate leaders to discuss a state budget proposal and to introduce their own budget plan.

Senate Majority Leader Dominic Pileggi, R-Delaware, said today that Senate Republicans are fashioning a revised budget bill to compete with another revised budget bill that they released yesterday. The measure could be down voted in the Senate in favor of their other measure.

If the House were to agree with the disagreement, their bill or their other bill could be on the governor's desk by late this week, or not.

Details of the bill were unavailable at the time, but the other revised budget bill is believed to be $100 million smaller than the other budget bill that was previously agreed to the day before.

House Democrats are proposing an alternative-alternative plan which is $1 billion less than the amendment to the previous amendment that substituted an alternative amendment to a section which was previously amended.

Earlier, an aide to Representative Dwight Evans, D-Philadelphia, threw up his hands and said "I dunno, you tell me what's going on."

The budget should have been adopted by the start of the new fiscal year July 1st, although the start of the new fiscal year had been previously amended to start December 1st.

A Proposal For Resolving the State Budget Crisis

You know, I'm all about the State Legislature being a "deliberative" body, but if they "deliberate" any longer on the budget, I have a feeling that we're actually going to bore into another dimension and somehow wind up back in time. I also think that the longer they dick around up there, the angrier a lot of folks are going to be knowing that the State can vote pay raises for themselves in a matter of minutes but can't resolve a budget in a few months.

So, this fuckwittery must end.

Here's my solution: Pennsylvania the Game Show -- the chance for State Legislators to win fabulous prizes. I'm suggesting the "Price is Right" model here -- contestants subject themselves to various games. If they win the game, they get their project/bill/line item funded. If they don't, they lose their project/bill/line item.

It's more high stakes than Plinko, that's for sure, but it'll make short order of budget negotiations. Plus, you'd get that yodeling mountain-climber guy on the ruler. That would be awesome.

Or Thunderdome. That would be awesome too... but that should really be reserved for any administrative appointments and confirmations.

Really?

I remember playing Kick-the-Can as a child. Little did I know at the time that, if I wanted to play it professionally, I could have been a State Legislator:

House Bill 1661 would prevent any Pennsylvania county from carrying out a court-ordered property reassessment until June 30, 2011. That delay would give the Legislature a chance to do a study of problems that many counties are having with the existing property reassessment system. The study would also deal with whether the state, rather than individual counties, should perform the reassessments. Allegheny County is now facing a court order to reassess.

*Clonk*

Bully on Sen. Pat Vance (R-Cumberland) and Sen. John Eichelberger (R-Blair) for voting against a bill that's so clearly unconstitutional, and shame on Sen. Jim Ferlo (D-Lawrenceville) for voting for a bill just "to keep the process moving."

*Clonk*

It's like letting someone get mugged because "you wanted to see how it played out."

Of course, it's not nearly that noble: everyone in Harrisburg doesn't want to rock the boat... despite not being able to pass a friggin' budget... because raising taxes is tantamount to politically whipping out your love junk in front of preschoolers and the press: if you do it, you're going to get into serious trouble and be tagged forever as a sex offender.

Metaphorically speaking of course.

So here's the thing: you either support the State Constitution and its uniformity clause or you don't and you want to play political games... which apparently includes "kick-the-can".

*Clonk*

A Bureaucrat's Aside Re: Visiting Harrisburg

There's this story (I'm not sure if it's apocryphal or not) that Jay Ward and the geniuses behind Rocky and Bullwinkle went to the White House one day in the early 1960s with a petition to make "Moosylvania" a state. Unfortunately, the day they chose to visit was the first day of the Cuban Missile Crisis and they were turned away at the gates.

That's pretty much what I would expect if I were the Mayor of Pittsburgh, going to the State Government to beg for budgetary relief.

Tune in next time for "Act 47, Cavaliers 54" or "The Pension is Mightier than the Sword"

Re: Building, State Office

A quick back of the envelope calculation here:

Projected rent in the (now former) State Office Building: $15/square foot per year.
Size of the building: 273,000 square feet
Total Gross Rent for one year: $4,095,000.00

Purchase price: $4,600,000.

Even with repairs, asbestos clean up, creating new office spaces, utilities, taxes and so on and so forth, a two-to-three year projected payback is pretty damned sweet.

Now, I could go on about how silly it's now going to be to divide State services up between different buildings and how much it's now going to cost the State taxpayers in rents, but I feel those arguments will probably fall on deaf ears.

But well done Millcraft. Way to stick it to the man.

Katherine Baker Knoll

The Governor's Office has announced that Lt. Governor Katherine Baker Knoll has succumbed to cancer at the age of 78.

We have no wish to speak ill of the dead, but it seems appropriate for us to roll out our chance encounter with the late Ms. Knoll from back in 2006.

We had just finished voting in our nondescript polling place in Pittsburgh and pushed the door open, only to find an elderly tiny woman, who had obviously just stepped out from the stretch limo that was parked in front of the senior center, with a rather large body guard right behind her.

"Oh! Hello," we said holding the door for the Lt. Governor, "Nice to meet you."

She returned our greeting, with a mixture of shock and surprise that anyone in this Podunk polling place would recognize a Lt. Governor if she came up an bit them on the ass.

And that was that. We went on our way and the Lt. Governor went in to visit the poll workers.

It's not much of a story, but it is our brief brush with the Lt. Governorship.

Our Senator Carper (D-DE) story is far superior.

In a more cold, calculating vein: Ed Rendell will not be accepting a position in the Obama administration until his term is up, lest Republican Joe Scarnati, now Lt. Governor, take his office.

ADB Reads Craigslist So You Don't Have To

Saw this one on Craigslist today:

300 Liberty Ave w/ Extra Side and Rear Lots 1.3 acres - Pittsburgh PA 15219
Selling As Is Condition - $2,000,000 OBO
Needs Approximately $500,000 in TLC/Rehab - May contain Asbestos
After Rehab Approximate Value of Property will be $3,000,000
16 large floors Each w/ Built In Closets
Built-in DMV
Great View of Point State Park
New Roof and Electrical Breaker Panel.
Nice neighborhood.
Good Investment Property - Low Taxes.

Seller is downsizing and needs to relocate.

Call (717) 787-2500 for appointment. Ask for Ed.

* Location: Downtown
* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

(with apologies to PittGirl)

PA House Res 10345: Two Men Enter. One Man Leaves

By now you've heard about the failure of this attempt to reduce the size of the PA State Legislature from Eleventy Zillion Bagillion members to twelve.

I think the fundamental flaw in this law is that it doesn't capture the Public's attention, which admittedly has dwindled down to shaking the car keys at the Public and saying Oooooh! Shiny thing! until it giggles and claps its hands. Still, they are the Public and they are the ones that vote, 49.2% of the time... if it's not raining... or the TiVO is broken.

Now, I am in support of this bill, as it would force the State Legislators to get real jobs, like prostitute, snake oil salesman, or sewage maintenance artisan... you know: jobs that they've been trained to do. So, I suggest that the bill be made to be more *ahem* entertaining to the Public. Think of it:

Survivor: Harrisburg


Granted, the scenery wouldn't be as nice as, say Borneo or Palau, and, frankly, I don't really want to see any members of the Legislature in any advanced state of undress*, but the concept of a 253 person Battle Royale sends shivers down my spine. Hand to hand combat! Cage matches! Lisa Bennington / Cherelle Parker girl fights! Tribal Councils Caucuses! Mike Turzai surreptitiously making out with Lisa Baker when the cameras are off!

And think of the ratings!

That is, until Bill DeWeese tries to hunt and kill Mark "Piggy" Mustio or until CBS sues for infringing on the plot of Kid Nation.

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*I'm looking right at you Sam Smith. Put your pants on for God's sake!

BUDGET IMPASSE ENDS

Our day long national statewide nightmare minor irritation is over (for now)!

COMMONWEALTH GOVERNMENT COLLAPSES

Governor Rendell Names Self Dictator

Parts of Harrisburg Ablaze

Whereabouts of Katherine Baker-Knoll Unknown

(AP) Harrisburg, PA - At 12:01 this morning, Governor Edward G. Rendell announced that his administration and the State Legislature were at an impasse over the 2008 Commonwealth budget and, as a result, the Government of Pennsylvania would be formally dissolved.

"This is not a step I relish taking," said Rendell, "I recognize that the Democratic process has strong roots in this Commonwealth, but desperate times call for desperate measures. As such, I am investing myself with full executive, legislative, and judicial powers for the foreseeable future."

Immediately, all streets in and around the Capital were barricaded and the Harrisburg police department was dispatched to enforce a nighttime curfew. Members of the State Police force were sent out to roundup fugitive members of the State House and Senate.

Around 12:30 AM, gunfire from an armed Legislative militia was heard from across the Susquehanna River. The Governor's staff, assuming a counteroffensive by the remaining Legislators, immediately evacuated the Governor back to his stronghold of Philiadelphia, where they have reestablished the Commonwealth Capitol at the City Hall.

Remaining bands of Loyalists held back the Legislative offensive led by Senate President Pro Tem Joe Scarnati until around 3 AM, when the invaders began to set fire to most of the structures abutting Front Street. The Loyalists retreated to the former Capitol building before setting it alight as well. By 5 AM nearly half of the historic City Center was in flames.

In Philadelphia, the Governor appointed Dan Onorato as Regent for the Western District and Christopher A. Doherty as Regent for the Eastern District. Despite mandatory curfews, riots have broken out in Pittsburgh, Erie, Wilkes-Barre, and much of the Lehigh Valley.

House Republican Leader Sam Smith reportedly barely made it to a Private Corporate Jet and has established what he has termed a "Government-in-Exile" in Binghampton NY.

Speaking on Voice of Pennsylvania airwaves: The destiny of the world is here. I, Sam Smith, currently in Binghampton NY, invite the officers and the Pennsylvanian loyalists who are located in our Commonwealth's territory or who would come there, with their weapons or without their weapons, I invite the engineers and the special workers of armament industries who are located in Commonwealth's territory or who would come there, to put themselves in contact with me.

Large streams of refugees have already been reported making their way to Maryland and West Virginia for cheap liquor and gambling.

An unidentified group calling itself the People's Front of Pennsylvania have allegedly captured Lt. Governor Katherine Baker-Knoll. Their leader, who identifies himself as, "Il Hunky" has demanded the release of prisoners taken by the Pennsylvanian People's Front. The group has already reportedly beheaded Secretary of Community and Economic Development Dennis Yablonsky. The Pennsylvanian Popular Front released former Senate President Pro Tempore Robert Jubelirer after realizing that no one really wanted him anyway.

Approximately 30,000 New Jersey troops were quickly marshaled early this morning in an attempt to stem the spread of violence into the neighboring state. Ohio and Maryland have made similar moves this afternoon and are setting up massive Red Cross refugee camps in Akron and Cumberland. New York has threatened retaliatory airstrikes against any incursions into its territory.

When asked for comment, Michael Chertoff, the Secretary of Homeland Security was quoted as saying, "We consider this matter to be an internal matter for Pennsylvania and will not get involved at this time."

Leader Rendell has offered rebel leaders a chance to comply with his orders stating it is they "that are mistaken about a great many things."

Just Under Two Dozen Votes

Yesterday, the Democrats in Pennsylvania claimed victory and the State House by just under two dozen votes. From the P-G:

The long-awaited results of a Chester County state House race, decided yesterday by 23 votes, swung control of the chamber to the Democrats for the first time in more than a decade...

If the results of the 156th House District race withstand any potential Republican court challenges, Democrats will have a 102-101 advantage in the new session of the Legislature. It will be the first time since 1994 that Democrats will be in charge of the House.

Chester County officials yesterday tallied about 300 absentee ballots that had been uncounted since the night of Nov. 7 and determined that Democratic candidate Barbara McIlwaine Smith edged GOP candidate Shannon Royer.

The unofficial tally, which still could be challenged in court, put Ms. Smith at 11,614 votes compared with Mr. Royer's 11,591. There were still 11 provisional ballots left to tally but that was not enough to change the outcome, Democrats said.

Think about that for a second:

A handful* of unelected, anonymous people from some backwater (suburban Philadelphia) part of the State have now completely upended the legislative agenda of House, effecting over 12,000,000 Pennsylvanians. Their votes counted at more than 500,000 to 1 against yours. More people actually read this blog** than have ultimately determined the fate of the Commonwealth!

Well, that's Democracy for you.

Or rather, that's representative democracy utilizing a plurality system of voting by district.

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*Well, handful for me. I have large hands.

**I'm also a polydactyl; I can literally count the number of readers on one hand: 24.