NFL to Fine Winter

Following two separate incidents over the last month, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has announced that the Season of Winter will be fined $25,000 for "unsportsmanlike" conduct.

"This is a serious matter for the League. Seasons cannot behave in a manner that jeopardizes the health and safety of players. We are a serious league. This is a serious matter.

A winter snow storm caused the collapse of the Metrodome on December 12, relocating the Minnesota Vikings to temporary venues and another storm required the delay of the Vikings-Eagles game this weekend. Mr. Goodell's office maintains that such flagrant actions will not stop unless appropriate penalties are meted out.

Critics have recently complained that the NFL has issued fines and suspensions in an inconsistent manner. The most recent fines against a season will probably not do much to quell such critiques.

League officials did not say how, exactly, they were planning on enforcing the fine, although it is expected that they withold the Superbowl from any places within its icy grasp. Some have suggested that either Santa Claus or Jack Frost be fined in Winter's stead; it has been pointed out, however, that these are fictional characters and fining them would be ludicrous.

Mr. Goodell, however, remains firm on his position.

"I'm serious here people. Stop laughing at me!"

Pythons Lose to Aardvarks 57-40

The Pennsylvania Pythons were dealt a serious blow to their playoff hopes today when they lost to the Alabama Aardvarks 57-40. Despite having rung up 17 more points than the Aardvarks, archaic NFL rules stipulate that a winning team must score at least two thirds of the points on the board.

The Pythons were hampered by a fumble by center Jonah Cenim, allowing the Aardvarks to retain possession during a late 4th Quarter drive. Overthrown passes to Wide Receiver Sam Ilurowski and Welsh Tight End Otto Scrwbn also doomed the Pythons.

Despite a late, and some say "unnecessary," field goal by kicker Olli Suscanns, the Pythons saw another defeat in what appears to be a season of defeats for the team.

Many fans considered this a symbolically important game against their long time rivals. Many commentators saw a Python win as "inevitable."

"We went out there and gave it our best," said head coach Ryhard Eri, "if it weren't for these damned rules, we would have won this thing."

Many fan have blamed Eri this season, however, for not running a strong ground game, the historical strength of the Pythons franchise.

The Aardvarks maintained a strong defense throughout the game, barely giving ground despite the overwhelming crowd noise. Throughout the season, the team has shown an astonishing resilience, in the face of an inability to score points, continually lining up on the wrong side of the field, and instances of massive head trauma. Their best success, however, has come as the result of penalty flags based on arcane NFL rules.

The 2/3rds rule dates back to the founding of the AFC in the early part of the century, when the majority of players were acquired from college football teams. Originally, it was considered "ungentlemanly" to win by a close margin, and the 2/3rds rule was established to ensure that teams would be evenly matched and that individual players could be fully utilized. There has been talk that the NFL may consider changing the rule, as well as provide for instant replays.

As the Pythons close the 2009-2010 season with a better than .500 season, they face a loss of several players due to retirement and free agency.

"It's going to be a tough upcoming season," said Irish team President Mack A. O'bara, "This loss is disappointing, but fortunately, I'm also betting the spread."

Unconfirmed Vatican Report: Pope OK with "Hard Tackles" in NFL

(Reuters) Rome - In an upcoming encyclical to the Church in the United States, Pope Benedict XVI is expected to announce that hard tackles in the NFL are morally permissible when running a 3-4 defense.

Cardinal Donald Wuerl (SS), speaking on condition of anonymity, said that the Pope was moved by the horrible penalty calling so far during the 2010 NFL season.

"The Bible says that we must love our enemies," said Wuerl, "It does not say that we have to ease up in the split second before the QB releases the ball. I mean, Christ! Tom Brady isn't Jesus."

This would mark a change for the Vatican, who had traditionally favored a West Coast style offense and had been keen on protecting its wide receivers. It also marks an incremental step forwards towards the full acceptance of blitzing as a football lifestyle, observers said.

The Pope had been criticized for not running the ball on 4th & goal during last Sunday's game against the Saints.

The encyclical Capras Goodell futuit is in its final final draft, according to Vatican insiders, who expect the Pope to also come out against the use of artificial turf.

Supreme Court Upturns Right of Habeus Grabbus

(AP) Washington - In a rare late night ruling, the Supreme Court today upturned the previously held right of Habeus Grabbus in the National Football League.

The ruling, which was largely split on ideological lines, marked a stunning defeat for the American Football Liberties Union (AFLU) and a tacit support of President Bush's policies towards defensive holding.

The case stems from a 2005 incident between the Pittsburgh Steelers and the San Diego Chargers where running back LaDainian Tomlinson was hit by Steelers linebacker James Harrison prior to a reception. Harrison was charged with defensive pass interference, although Steelers' coach Bill Cower argued that it was only incidental contact.

Writing for the 5-4 majority, Chief Justice John Roberts, "There are two kinds of holding: offensive holding, illegally blocking a player from the opposing team by grabbing and holding his uniform or body; and defensive holding, called against defensive players who impede receivers who are more than 5 yards from the line of scrimmage, but who are not actively making an attempt to catch the ball."

In a minority dissenting opinion, Judge Ruth Bader Ginsburg agreed with the Majority's definition of holding, although added that a player "is not necessarily guaranteed exclusive right to the space."

In a separate part of the ruling, however, the Court ruled that the Bush Administration does not have the right to indefinitely detain players suspected of pass interference without trial.

AFLU officials were saddened by the ruling.

In a prepared statement, Executive Director Bill Hillgrove remarked, "Harrison really put the clamps on Tomlinson, and had a little habeus grabbus action on him... but that's no reason to charge him with more than 10 yards or loss of down."

The Court is expected to hear arguments regarding Bill Belichick's warrantless surveillance case later this term.

The case is Cope, Hillgrove, Illkin, et al v. National Football League.

CITY-Wide Mass Suicide

OK, when you throw three interceptions and commit one fumble in the AFC championship, you just may not have the stuff that it takes to make it to the Superbowl.

That being said, buckets of Kool-Aid will be distributed on every street corner to the denizens of THE CITY. Please don purple sheets and black Nikes. NOW IS THE TIME OF THE GREAT CLEANSING! THE HEATHENS WILL BE BURNED ALIVE AND THEIR FLESH DISTRIBUTED AMONG THE CHILDREN. THE END TIMES HAVE ARRIVED AND THE ANTI-CHRIST HAS ARRIVED

I'm done now.

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This post brought to you by: Six beers, and great sadness.

Football

I never usually get emotionally involve in football....but today was a bit different.

My team won. Good news. Two missed field goal and fate helped us on our quest.

Very happy.

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This post brought to you by: Eight beers; dem Stillers.