Oh no! Not again!

Terrific. Now National Geographic is jumping on the "Ain't Pittsburgh Grand?" bandwagon. As if we didn't have enough of these international yahoos interrupting our fair city during the G-20, now we're going to have Jane Goodall wannabes traipsing through Beechview, trying to "live amongst the yinzers".

This distinction now puts us up with such destination as cosmopolitain London, rugged Iceland, and whatever the fuck Oman is. I mean, OK, if your choice is between a vacation in Pittsburgh and Muskoka, Ontario, I can see why you'd pick a place that doesn't reek of Canadians.

Of course, what this means is that now we're going to have to set up Pittsburgh wildlife preserves to protect our native species (the white tailed deer, the pigeon, and the Onorato) so that foreign tourists don't mess up their natural habitat (Homewood Cemetery, Mellon Plaza, and Saw Mill Run, respectively). And now there's going to be "Authentic Pittsburgh Experience" survival tours, which, consists of getting lost in the South Hills for five hours and then stuck in the Ft. Pitt Tunnel traffic for another two.

I suppose we all need to get crackin' on our native dress and native dance for when the bus loads of Japanese tourists show up to take a picture.

Perfect Foresight

Quick: What were Pittsburgh's development plans in 2004?

While you're thinking about that, there's this:

Pittsburgh Councilman Ricky Burgess unveiled today legislation that would require a six-year capital spending plan, potentially totalling some $200 million to $250 million, for the city's spending on roads, bridges, development and other infrastructure...

He cast the legislation as part of a push he launched in March to ensure that lower-income communities get not just federal development funds, but a fair share of locally generated city spending on paving and other infrastructure matters. He said that would be a change from 30 years of inadequate investment in struggling neighborhoods...

While there's definitely something to be said for increased transparency in local government, there's something completely different to be said for planning for something 6 years out.

Heck, within the next 6 years Homewood, East Liberty, and Larimer could turn into fabulous new markets, and the West End could slide off into oblivion. Or the reverse could happen. In early 2008, people across the country thought that the housing market would carry the US economy to untold heights, instead of throw it down a well.

Projections are hard enough 6 months out, let alone 6 years out. Just ask Council members Harris and Shields about planning for business district improvements in their neighborhoods and how that all works out.

And, just to jog your memory:

In January 2004, Lazarus closed. In June, Pittsburgh Development Group II proposed a 175-acre horse track in Hays. In August, the SEA proposed a North Shore amphitheater. In October, Lord & Taylor followed Lazarus into oblivion. In November, Ebony Development proposed building a supermarket in the Hill District.

Notably missing from this list: any mention of a new Arena.

So much for foresight.

Where's the Fun in That?

Via the Pittsburgh Business Times: Pittsburgh ranks No. 12 on 'Fun Cities' list (full report here)... which, frankly, is a bit bizarre as I don't know anyone in this City that I would consider "fun".

Of course, my idea of "fun" is a night discussing Wiggenstein and eating packets of mustard in the back seat of someone's car.

Anywho, we scored high in "Food & Drink" (4) & "Low Impact Sports" (8); moderate in "Culture" (20), "Popular Entertainment" (20), and "Shopping" (21), and lowest in "High Impact Sports" (34) and -- get this -- "Gambling" (53). Obviously "Food & Drink" is buoyed by our ever so liberal drinking laws, and they didn't include "Pothole Dodging" or "Jaywalking" in High Impact Sports.

But, you have to compare it to the bottom five: Provo, Utah (last); McAllen, Texas; Modesto and Bakersfield, California; and El Paso TX. God, those places must be veritable suck-holes of fun... the place where clowns and toys go to die.

Now, back to contemplating das Senf an sich.

Pittsburgh Foundation Match Game

As you may have heard, yesterday The Pittsburgh Foundation matched donations for Pittsburgh not-for-profits in a whirlwind online event. The available pool of matching funds of $300,000 was tapped out in 23 minutes with many potential donors locked out of the system and left unable to donate.

Among the 350 organizations that received funding were the Greater Pittsburgh Community Food Bank, the Pittsburgh Zoo and PPG Aquarium, the Pittsburgh Public Theater and Pittsburgh City Theatre. There were, however, many non-profits that didn't receive any funding whatsoever:

* The Luke Ravenstahl School for Legislating Good and Stuff,

* The Zober Evil Foundation,

* The Pittsburgh Pubic Theater,

* Steel City Goat Spankers,

* UPMC,

* The Pittsburgh Pothole Appreciation Society,

* The Jeff Reed Fund for Kicking, and

* The Pittsburgh Tribune-Review

Better luck next time.

G-20 Visitors Guide (Pt. 4)

In which the author

"O"

the self titled

Angry Drunk Bureaucrat

discuffes miscellaneous miscellany

that did not quite fit the other parts of his

Guide to the Pittsburgh Region

and which were

Cobbled Together

at the

Last Minute

and at

Great Expense

Fit the Fourth

Language

Pittsburgh English, popularly known as "Pittsburghese," is the dialect of American English spoken in Western Pennsylvania. Many of the sounds and terms are similar to the Midland dialect region or are borrowed from the immigrant populations that came to the region to work in the steel mills, and were a little too nebby for their own good. The dialect is noted for its monophthongization, which, if mentioned, most Pittsburghers will tell you they have no idea what you're talking abaht.

Some key Pittsburgh terms and phrases for visitors:

- Yinz - pronoun -You (plural).
- Slippy - adjective - Slippery
- N'at - "Et cetera"
- Redd up - noun - a completely apolitical clean up of certain neighborhoods that just happen to be linked to prominent Democratic Committee members
- Buggy - noun - a bus
- Jumbo - noun - a Pittsburgh delicacy of couscous and minced cucumber
- Chipped Ham - noun - a newspaper or leaflet
- Blawnox - verb - to become sexually aroused
- Chalfant - noun - a small swimming pool for children
- Wilmerding - noun - a male sexual organ
- Aspinwall - verb - to drink until the point of collapse
- Jeetjet - noun - Oral sex
- Jag off - noun -Dan Onorato

Weather

Unlike many places in the country (Vermont excluded) Pittsburgh has five seasons: spring, summer, fall, winter, and yuck. Temperatures during the year range from "cold as a witch's teet" to "hot as balls." While spring and fall are known for being pleasant, humidity during the summer months is oppressive enough to make one want to call a domestic abuse counseling agency. When combined with the local topography and the pollutants traveling from up the Ohio Valley, haze and smog have been known to kill people in their sleep, chop up their bodies, store them in the freezer, and assume their identities. On occasion, Pittsburgh does receive significant snowfall during the winter months; by "significant" we mean "enough to make people forget how to drive and turn into bawling children." The season of yuck lasts from late February to early March, and consists of 30 straight days of on and off graying. Residents are encouraged pretend that they are being attacked by Murky Dismal and Lurky from the old Rainbow Brite cartoons, to avoid thoughts of suicide... or, alternatively, go to a bar and "Aspinwall."

Pittsburgh is noted for being relatively free from natural disasters, with the exception of minor floods in low lying areas. In the event of a major flood, people are advised to start building arks and/or praying to Santa Claus.

Because of global climate change, it is expected that Pittsburgh's climate will more closely resemble Alabama's, so... you know, that'll be fun.

Government

Pittsburgh is a City of the Second Class under the laws of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, and is characterized by a "strong mayor" form of municipal corporation. The City charter provides for a Council of elder statesmen to advise and approve City business, or, alternatively, any combination of people that won't shut the hell up in front of the cameras. There is a two drink minimum at all public meetings, which is strictly enforced.

Pittsburgh's Mayor is Luke Ravenstahl, age 13 1/2, who has campaigned on a platform for the eradication of cooties, official monster-under-the-bed inspections, and getting drunken fights with police officers at football games. During his short tenure, the Mayor has enjoyed riding on the shoulders of Pittsburgh's reemergence to international prominence and ice cream. Mayor Ravenstahl's administration is completely and utterly devoid of any scandals that anyone will admit to in front of a Grand Jury.

The Chief Executive of Allegheny County is Dan Onorato, notable for doing nothing that would inhibit his ability to run for Governor. He can be easily distinguished from an average book by the absence of a spine.

Approximately 130 municipalities surround Pittsburgh in Allegheny County, and exist for reasons that no one can actually explain. Each municipality has its own Mayor, Council, City Manager, Police Force, Firefighters, Dog Catchers, Official Lamp Lighters, and Bureau of Horse Registration. You will know when you've crossed into a new municipality by the change in the condition of the roads.

Also of note is former coroner Cyril Wecht, whose ego is already pissed that it wasn't mentioned earlier in this guide.

Miscellanea

* Relationship with Philadelphia:

Despite being in the same Commonwealth, Pittsburgh and Philadelphia are separated by 320 miles, which is roughly the same distance as Paris and Amsterdam. Like Paris and Amsterdam, the vast space between "Phillie" and "The 'Burgh" is a cultural backwater; in Pennsylvania it is referred to derisively as "Pennsyltucky", while in Europe it is referred to derisively as "Belgium." If you are visiting Pittsburgh, do not expect to be able to make a day-trip to see "the Liberty Bell," "Constitution Hall," or a winning professional baseball team.

Cultural differences also exist between Pennsylvania's two largest cities. Philadelphia is known for its cheesesteaks, while Pittsburgh is known for its Pirmanti Brothers' sandwiches. Philadelphia is part of the East Coast metroplex; Pittsburgh is more of a mid-west type City. Pittsburghers are known as a friendly, affable people; Philadelphians have been known to throw batteries at Santa Claus.

* Relationship with Cleveland:

Cleveland sucks.

* Relationship with Baltimore:

[Ed. Note - Is Baltimore even a city anymore?]

* Best times to visit:

Never visit Pittsburgh the Monday after a Steelers loss.

And Finally...

The City was named by General John Forbes, a Scotsman, who named it after the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, William Pitt... so it's spelled "Pittsburgh" with an "H" at the end, like Edinburgh, (although without the weird Sean Connery inflection). It's not "Pittsburg" or or "Pitsburg" or "Shitsburgh" (if you're a bitch like Sienna Miller). Anybody caught spelling it wrong will be beaten without mercy by old Polish grandmothers as if you've stolen their parking chairs.

And Even More Finally...

While deep down they love their City, Pittsburghers are highly and vocally critical of it, to the point that it seems to an outside observer like they hate it here. That doesn't mean, however, that you're allowed talk trash about our fair City, Mr./Ms. Visitor. So shut your damned pie hole!

...jaggoffs.

G-20 Visitors Guide (Pt. 3)

[Part 1 of the G-20 Visitor's Guide is found here and Part 2 is found here.]

Things to Do in Pittsburgh...

* Sports

The City of Pittsburgh is home to two world class professional sports teams and the Pittsburgh Pirates. Levels of devotion to the Six-time Superbowl winning Pittsburgh Steelers is nearly unrivaled in other markets, with fans signing up their children at birth for the wait list for season tickets. Football fandom is taken seriously in Pittsburgh, and visitors are routinely randomly quized about their knowledge of the nickle and dime defenses. Pittsburgh is also home to the current Stanley Cup Holding Pittsburgh Penguins, who are currently building a new arena despite the best efforts of local politicians to help them. Back closer to the Steeler's stadium, is a fabulous baseball stadium, PNC Park, which has sat unused by a major league team since its' construction in the early 2000s, with the exception of one All-Star game.

The University of Pittsburgh also boasts two highly ranked football and basketball programs, both of which have better baseball record than the Pirates.

* Arts and music

The Pittsburgh music scene is dominated by one man -- Donnie Iris. Rumors abound that Donnie Iris rocks so hard, that concert goers regularly leave missing hats, jewelry, and their faces. That's right: Donnie Iris has been known to rock people's faces off. Other, minor acts such as The Clarks, Rusted Root, or the Mellon Jazz Festival are allowed to perform with Donnie's permission.

The Downtown Cultural District is home to terrific live music and other performances attended by people who otherwise wouldn't otherwise dare to set foot in the City.

Other up and coming neighborhood arts districts along Butler Street in Lawrenceville and Penn Avenue in Garfield-Friendship, smell vaguely of patchouli, but are worth a visit if you want to get mugged while watching women with phalluses glued to their foreheads mud wrestle.

Also along Penn Avenue is the Pittsburgh Glass Center, which if you break, you buy.

* Festivals

Pittsburgh holds a number of arts and cultural festivals, including the Three Rivers Arts Festival and Anthro-con.

* Outdoor activities

A particularly enjoyable activity for visitors to Pittsburgh is to stop any one of the denser, more compact neighborhoods and try to move chairs, traffic cones, and other objects from the street outside residences. This must be done quickly as, if the owner of the chair/traffic cone/other object sees you, he or she can either challenge you to fisticuffs or a race through the neighborhood. If you win, you get the right to park your car in the space previously vacated by the chair/traffic cone/other object; if you lose, the owner gets the right to pummel your car with a tire iron.

* Tours

Several walking tours of Downtown and Oakland are available for people that wish to explore the area on foot. A Segway tour is also available for people that wish to look like pretentious douches.

Just Ducky Tours will verbally assault pedestrians with malicious quacking.

Learning in Pittsburgh

Pittsburgh is home to two world renowned Universities -- Carnegie Mellon University (formerly Carnegie Tech) and The University of Pittsburgh (formerly Dan Marino's All-You-Can-Eat Chicken Buffet). The Region is also home to several lesser renowned universities and at least one who's graduates barely have the intellectual capacity to drool all over themselves.

Student housing in Oakland has been compared favorably to the slums of Mumbai, while student rents are responsible for 98% of the bail money for slum landlords.

Working in Pittsburgh

Despite it's low unemployment rate compared to the national average, there are no jobs for you in Pittsburgh. So stop asking.

Shopping in Pittsburgh

Pittsburgh's popular shopping districts include

- The South Side - Shopping for young, hip urbanites
- Shadyside - Shopping for older, ironically hip urbanites
- Squirrel Hill - Shopping for Jewish, hip urbanites
- Downtown - Shopping for urbanites that need hip replacements

Each of these shopping Districts looks down on the previous.

Also of note is Pittsburgh's Strip District, where on any given day shoppers can find everything from fried fish entrails to cardboard cutouts of Jerome Bettis.

Most of the suburban shopping malls have solved their zombie problem.

Eating in Pittsburgh

Pittsburgh cuisine has been honed after many generations of research and testing to a point where it can kill you. By "kill you," we don't mean in a Jack Nicholson/The Shining kind of way, but more a Kathy Bates/Misery way: long, drawn out and filled with painful suffering, and possibly broken legs. Ordering a "Pittsburgh Salad" (complete with chicken, french fries, cheese, and ranch dressing) is akin to running with the bulls in Pamplona with a big red sign on your back saying "Gore Me!".

Polish cuisine, a popular favorite which includes pierogis (potato dumplings in butter and onions), haluski (cabbage in butter and onions), and kielbasa, is thought to have been developed 70 years ago as revenge against the local German population for starting WWII; several Polish chefs in Pittsburgh were indicted on culinary war crimes, before they all dropped dead of massive coronaries. According to local legends, this is why the Allegheny River separates Polish Hill from Deustchtown.

Primanti Brother's sandwiches have gained notoriety as being an "authentic Pittsburgh sandwich" and are served with coleslaw and french fries on white bread. Under no circumstances are patrons permitted to order a sandwich without coleslaw and french fries or on a different type of bread; local health code ordinances have been amended to allow for a small percentage of blood to be spilled in these restaurants over such matters.

If you are in need of a light snack, order the large fries at the "Original Hot Dog Shop" in Oakland. If you are there after 1 AM, stay for the nightly drunk knife fights.

Of particular sacra-liciousness is The Church Brew Works in the imposing former St. John the What-The-Hell-Was-I-Drinking-Last-Night Catholic Church. For those that do not wish to piss off Jesus, please note that the structure has been desanctified, and you're probably going to hell anyway, so drink up.

Pittsburgh neighborhoods are full of local Mom & Pop style restaurants, which will berate you for not visiting or calling more often, tell you to eat because you're all skin and bones, let you know how well your cousin Maury is doing up in Brooklyn, and nag you to get married and make some grandchildren already.

More pedestrian fare can be found in outlying suburban mini-malls, for those that enjoy hot dogs in their macaroni and cheese.

In complete defiance of his own preventative health care proposals, President Barack Obama has expressed a particular affinity to the pancakes at Pamela's in the Strip District. These pancakes will also kill you.

Drinking in Pittsburgh

Drinking in Pittsburgh is a serious past-time. Originally developed during the heyday of the steel industry by researchers at Carnegie Tech, drinking has become integral to the regional "Eds & Meds" economic cluster strategy, by providing binging opportunities for students and drunk driving organ harvesting opportunities for doctors. Visitors to Pittsburgh are legally required to do a shot every time they cross a bridge. Vomit receptacles are available along every wall, gutter, mailbox, or shrubbery in the South Side.

Amateur drunks are recommended to go to the South Side, Oakland, or Shadyside while professional drunks are recommended to go to Homestead, Sheraden, or Carrick. Most bars are now smoke free, so you can concentrate on ruining your liver and brain instead of your lungs and you can be free to enjoy the dank.

Pittsburgh is famous for its beers that are no longer brewed here, including Iron City and Rolling Rock. Visitors are advised that Monongahela River water is an acceptable substitute for both. Tastier beer can be found at the Penn Brewery, which is also closed. There are also several other microbreweries in and around the City, with various degrees of pretentiousness from "hipster douchebag" to "tenured professor".

Pennsylvania operates under arcane liquor control laws that prohibit the selling of alcohol any places convenient or logical. Beer can be purchased by six-packs in bars or by 24-packs in beer distribution stores, as PA State law requires drinkers to be slightly buzzed or passed out, on the floor drunk. Wine and liquor cannot be bought under any circumstances as, according to the liquor control board, this causes the drink to "go bad."

In Pittsburgh, as in nearly all States, the drinking age is 21, unless it's St. Patrick's Day, Oktoberfest, Steelers' Sunday, a wedding, a funeral, or an exceptionally dank bar.

When drinking, a traditional Pittsburgh toast suitable for all occasions is "Fuck Dan Onorato!" and then spitting on the floor.

Hotels and Lodging

Downtown goes to sleep at approximately 6 PM on weekdays, but on weekends it stays up to the wild hour of 7 PM. Unfortunately, during the G-20 conference all of the Downtown Hotels are booked for world leaders, with the exception of the Indian Prime Minister, who is crashing on some dude's couch in Lawrenceville.

The Northshore Riverfront park is available for camping until the police come to kick in your skull.

Staying safe

While Pittsburgh has its share of urban crime, it is generally considered to be one of the safest cities in the United States. Visitors are warned, however, to avoid "Cleveland Browns" regalia and black people.

Coping with Pittsburgh

* Newspapers

Since the introduction of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette's "PG+" online news service, there are no longer any newspapers of record in the region. The Pittsburgh Tribune-Review company does publish a bird cage lining product on which one can sometimes make out outlines of crude, primitive (albeit spiteful) facts. In a pinch, the back sections of the Pittsburgh City Paper can be used as porn.

* Hospitals

Pittsburgh is home to world class hospitals and other medical facilities. If you are in need of urgent medical care, please stagger into an office building in Oakland, as there's a greater than 50% chance that it is owned by the University of Pittsburgh Medical Center.

More miscellaneous miscellany in part four... maybe... if we get around to it.

G-20 Visitors Guide (Pt. 2)

[Part 1 of the G-20 Visitor's Guide is found here.]

Getting Around...

There's an old saying in Pittsburgh: "You can't get there from here." In other Cities this may be a metaphorical expression, but in Pittsburgh it is true. As a visitor to Pittsburgh, you will look at a map, see two streets that intersect and assume that you can turn onto one from another. Or, you may see two roads that run parallel and assume that you can walk from one to another. Or, you may see a road and assume that you can travel its length. These are all myths perpetuated by the evil people at the Rand-McNally corporation. In fact, Pittsburgh roads may be separated by hundreds of vertical feet, an impassibly steep terrain, stairs, or (in one case) a dragon. Therefore, when a Pittsburgher says "You can't get there from here," please believe them.

However, should you be adventurous and decide to ask for directions anywhere, you will need to be aware of the location of "the Old Isaly's," "the Old Alcoa Building," and "the place in the road that goes right, but straightish, and then right again where the gas station isn't there anymore." It is vitally important that you commit these locations to memory, as they will be regularly referenced by Pittsburghers. If you make a wrong turn and get lost, you will forced to settle wherever you run out of gas. [This is actually how the town of Wilmerding was founded.]

If you are still foolish enough to persist in asking for directions, only ask *one* Pittsburgher, as different permutations in directions rise exponentially with every Pittsburgher you ask; asking three Pittsburghers will yield 27 different directions, each of which will be advertised as "fastest," "best," or "most direct." No matter which route you choose, however, it will be under construction.

GPS will not help you, no matter how hard you cry.

* By public transit

The Port Authority of Allegheny County runs a restaurant income redistribution scheme and occasionally a mass-transit service, consisting of buses, light rail, and funicular railways.

Buses run on a regular schedule, except on weekends, holidays, if there's traffic, if there are too many people waiting to board, if the bus breaks down, or if the driver doesn't feel like it. The exception to this is the 54C route, which has no regular schedule whatsoever.

Light Rail transit is quick, clean, comfortable and gets riders to exactly where they didn't really want to go, unless they didn't really want to go anywhere to begin with.

You can pick up schedules for all bus and trolley routes on the vehicles, except for the schedule for the route you're currently riding.

* Zones: Fare varies depending on the zone you are traveling to/from, your weight, height, mother's blood type, and the current phase of the moon.

o Base fare is $2.00 and may be raised without warning.
o The Free Fare Zone covers the Downtown core, offering free bus and trolley service to those that are too lazy to walk all of five blocks.
o The Downtowner Zone requires a $1.50 fare and is used by exactly no one.

There are two Funicular Railways or "Inclines" that run up the side of Mount Washington to Grandview Avenue and back down to Carson Street. That's it. It'll cost you $2 each way for that. Despite their obvious age, very few people are killed in incline accidents during any given day.

* By taxi

Taxis are a convenient and reliable way of making it through the City, provided you happen to be staying in the Pittsburgh International Airport's Landside Terminal. Unlike in other cities, cabs cannot be hailed. The best way to stop a cab is to throw yourself in front of it. Licensed cab companies can still be called for rides that will never show up.

Please note that there are several unlicensed or "jitney" cab companies that also cannot be hailed.

* By car

You can't get anywhere by car. Seriously. Don't even try. You will fail.

Pittsburgh has a color coded wayfinder "Belt system" that no one uses, with the exception of High School students seeking to collect signs for elaborate scavenger hunts.

Of particular note is the so-called "Pittsburgh Left." At traffic lights, a driver wishing to turn left will do so as soon as the light turns green, regardless of whether another vehicle has the right-of-way. Drivers will indicate their intention of performing a "Pittsburgh Left" by slowly nudging up prior to the light change and slamming on the gas the instant the light changes. Visitors to Pittsburgh are invited to challenge those performing this manoeuvre at their own peril.

Fear not, however: the best and brightest minds in Pittsburgh are working on new and ingenious ways to develop the 10-way intersection in order to stymie any remaining traffic that isn't doing 15 mph through a tunnel.

* By boat

While Pittsburgh has several miles of Riverfront, nobody travels by boat unless they are hauling coal, drunk on Lite Beer, or Bruce Willis.

* By bicycle

Pittsburgh has an extensive network of biking trails, most of which run along the rivers. Unless you are a particularly suicidal biker, you will stick to the trails as roads are generally narrow and filled with gaping, man eating potholes. Cyclists are advised to weave in between traffic, dart out from parked cars suddenly, and stop without warning.

Given Pittsburgh's topography, certain hills have been known to induce cardiac arrest in bikers cycling uphill and sudden face-pavement fusion in bikers going downhill.

Additionally, be aware that Pittsburgh drivers are let off with a warning if they kill a cyclist.

* By trebuchet

There is a working medieval siege engine on the Carnegie Mellon University campus. Those who wish to make a one-way trip by trebuchet are advised to land on someone fat, which shouldn't be hard.

Things to See...

* Museums

Pittsburgh is home to many museums devoted to Pittsburgh and Pittsburgh related areas, including the world renowned Pittsburgh Museum of Pittsburgh Museums.

The Carnegie Museum of Natural History is noted for it's collection of old fossils, which make up the core of the local Democratic Committee. The Andy Warhol Museum contains the world's largest collection of penis drawings (non-animated) by a single artist and a stuffed dog. If you are interested in the colonial era history of Pittsburgh, be sure to visit the Fort Pitt Museum, which currently closed because of ongoing dick wagging in the State Capital.

The Zelienople Historical Society is also open for those who will be unable to cope with the thrills of The Castle Shannon Historical Museum. [Check out the exhibit on the town's founder Arthur Q. Zelienop, who established the settlement as a tax dodge.]

* Architecture

The Architecture in Pittsburgh is eclectic ranging from Georgian through Richardsonian Romanesque to post-modernism. All of the various forms, however, share a common element -- that of being largely torn town. Of particular note is the early 18th century architecture Downtown, which was torn down after the Great Fire of Pittsburgh and they replaced by 19th century rail yards, which also burnt down and was replaced by 20th century skyscrapers and a highway. Architecture buffs should visit the historic Syria Mosque in Oakland which was also torn down to make way for parking lot.

Particularly repugnant pieces of remaining architecture include the University of Pittsburgh's Hillman Library which looks like a furnace filter and Carnegie Mellon University's Scaife Hall which looks like a discarded potato chip. Visitors are asked to kindly ignore the obviously phallic shape of One Mellon Center. Most of the suburb of Robinson Township should be avoided at all costs.

Approximately 70 miles south of Pittsburgh is Frank Lloyd Wright's modernist masterpiece "Fallingwater," which was built on a dare after drinking three bottles of whiskey. This structure is famous for its long cantilevered terraces, as well as smelling like an old dog after it was caught out in the rain. If you visit, be sure to stay for the Amway presentation at the end of the tour, where you will be parted with any remaining money that you did not spend in the Frank Llyod Wright gift shop.

Pittsburgh was the capital of the "insul-brick" industry in the 1920s, then later the aluminum siding industry, then even later the vinyl siding industry. Remnants of these industries can be seen throughout the various residential neighborhoods.

* Parks and outdoors

Despite its reputation as a smokey City, Pittsburgh enjoys hundreds of acres of parks and green spaces that have been underfunded by either shortfalls in local sales tax allocations or the aforementioned mentioned dick wagging at the State Capital. Pittsburgh's four large city parks are excellent places to bike, jog, walk, or play with yourself in front of bikers, joggers and walkers.

At the confluence of the Allegheny and Monongahela is Point State Park, which is currently under construction and will be for the foreseeable future, at great cost and unimaginable inconvenience. Visitors to the park can still, however, enjoy the smell of urine along the park outskirts.

Oakland's Schenley Park is notable for being the only City Park in the United States created indirectly by statutory rape.

More Places to Go and Things to Do in the next part...

G-20 Visitors Guide (Pt. 1)

Hello and Welcome to the Official G-20 Pittsburgh Visitor's Guide. We hope that you find this guide useful during your stay here or that you plagiarize large segments of it back in your country of origin.

Overview

Pittsburgh is a city of about 350,000 people in the Southwestern Pennsylvania region of the United States; the population of the metropolitan area is roughly 2.4 million, although only 350,000 of them are actual "Pittsburghers," with the rest being an unclassified subspecies. If you travel outside of the region, you will also find people that refer to themselves as "Pittsburghers" and show some of the same characteristics of "Pittsburghers" but they are not technically "Pittsburghers" -- they are traitors.

The City is situated at the confluence of the Allegheny and Monongahela rivers, which join to form the Ohio. Of these three, only the Allegheny and Ohio are ever mentioned, because no one can correctly pronounce the word "Monongahela." Best not to even mention the Youghiogheny River.

Pittsburgh has a rich history, a high standard of living, but is reasonably priced. Locals expect the area to be completely ruined by the end of the G-20 conference.

Districts

There are four main districts in Pittsburgh: Northside, Southside, East End, and Downtown. People from Northside, Southside and East End are only allowed to visit Downtown, and not the other districts. Crossing bridges, valleys, and hills within these districts is generally frowned upon. Visitors to Pittsburgh must select a District and may not leave until their visit is complete.

Within these districts, there are 90 official neighborhoods with over 50 additional or sub-neighborhoods which everyone knows about and nobody can easily define. There are also 130 additional municipalities that exist immediately outside (and in one case within) the City proper. These can be safely ignored, for all intents and purposes, unless you need to call the police, get trash picked up, or your house is burning down. New municipalities are always forming in the Region and visitors are invited to form their own local government as a recreational activity.

Understanding Pittsburgh...

* History

The First people to settle in the Pittsburgh Region were the Lenape Native American tribe, who took the wrong exit off a trail and settled at the "Forks of the Ohio."  Their descendants just sort of hung around with nowhere else to go.  The region was later re-discovered by the French and then later re-rediscovered by the British, who decided to build a fort, which was determined to be a non-conforming use and was torn down by the French. The French built a larger fort named for the Governor of New France "Fort Duquesne," although his real first name was "Michel-Ange," which was determined to be a little too French, even for them.

In order to advance his own job security, future American General, Statesman and first-President George Washington started the French and Indian war over the control of this fort. This war was later called the "Seven Years War" in Europe, because of superior marketing ability overseas. The British took control of the Fort Duquesne site, renaming it Fort Pitt, and
began expunging proper French pronunciation from the Region. This is why the towns of "Du Bois" and "Versailles" are pronounced as if you've had a stroke.

At some point, steel happened and it defined the Region; then it stopped, which also defined the Region.

The Steelers won 6 Superbowl championships during this period.  

* People

Native Pittsburghers are referred to as "Yinzers". A native Pittsburgher is one who has lived his/her entire life in Pittsburgh, and can trace lineage back to some sort of smelting industry or George Washington. "Yinzer" is a colloquial term from the Scots-Irish meaning "Pittsburgher." Yinzers speak a language that closely resembles English, if it were spoken through a long tube while drunk and deaf.

A large number of Pittsburghers come from Eastern European stock, but many African-Americans made their way to the City as part of the great black migration in the early part of the last century. Pittsburgh has no other minority groups to speak of, unless you count Hungarians.

Native garb is generally in the form of a Pittsburgh Steeler's jersey, and is appropriate to wear in all formal or casual occasions. The jersey is usually accompanied by a gold towel with black embossed lettering, which is used as a cerimonial greeting to other Pittsburghers.

* Land

Pittsburgh has been called a City of hills and rivers, although this is not true. Geologically speaking, it is a City of *valleys* caused by erosion into the rivers. This is something to consider as you are sliding backwards down a 34% grade in the Beechview neighborhood.

The three rivers in Pittsburgh can be used for recreational purposes or dumping raw sewage. Please note that none of Pittsburgh's Rivers have ever caught fire, a point which you will be repeatedly reminded of if you come from North Eastern Ohio.  

There are 1700 bridges in the City and surrounding county; 1650 of them are under construction currently.

* Tourist Information

Tourists are advised to contact the Greater Pittsburgh Visitors and Convention Bureau, unless you speak one of them foreign languages.

Getting in...

* By plane

Currently the USAirways plane to Pittsburgh is delayed in Newark. Plans for a second plane are part of USAirways' bankruptcy proceedings.

* By bus

Greyhound Buslines serves a new, state of the art homeless and pre-op transsexual hooker population. The architecture of this building is noted for its lack of an electronic billboard.

* By car

You will know that you are approaching Pittsburgh from any direction by the sudden increase in potholes. This is a feature of the Greater Pittsburgh Visitors Bureau to get people to slow down and take in the majesty that is Pittsburgh. Also, it is to help raise rental car tax revenue after you break your axle on the Turnpike.

If you come in from the Southwest or East, you will approach a large, dark tube like structure through a hill. This is called a "tunnel." As fascinating as this "tunnel" may be, please do not slow down.

* By train

Trains are available at the Carnegie Science Center. No luggage.

"Getting Around," "Things to See and Do," and other stuff in the next part...

A G-20 Idea

I did not have time to go to the G-20 Idea Roundup that was held last week. Sadly, real life intervened; although from the sound of it, no really decent, interesting, or otherwise good ideas were presented. For example:

The city should send journalists a YouTube video showing how Pittsburgh has gone from "rustbelt to sparkling jewel."

Because YouTube (especially the comments section) is a bastion of intelligent public discourse.

We should have signs in multiple languages on the way in from the airport saying welcome to Pittsburgh.

Including signs in "Yinzer" I suppose.

And then there was something about a Wizard of Oz video juxtaposing old steel Pittsburgh with new, munchkin filled, Pittsburgh, which I didn't quite get. I mean, Dorothy still wants to go back to Kansas at the end... which probably subliminally says something about our post-industrial hangups.

No, if the Region wants to do something for the G-20, it needs to do something BIG for the G-20. I mean, we have a chance here to cause a real international scene and we should avail ourselves of that opportunity and try to draw out this publicity as long as possible.

So, here's my little proposal: kidnap all the attending foreign heads of Government and pull some sort of Manchurian Candidate-style brainwashing on them. Once they are released, they go back to their respective countries and start directing business to Pittsburgh.

Now, obviously this type of plan has been floated before by the Allegheny Conference; back in the early 2000s, somebody proposed a visit to a "mystery city" for out of region young folks... or what amounts to a jackbooted, Border Guard Bob. Once in Pittsburgh, the tour guides would show the victims how great Pittsburgh was, and the young people would go back to... um... do something. Anyway, I don't think this plan made it past the "straight face" test, but that's because they weren't thinking BIG enough.

Kidnapping 20 world leaders is a big plan and it has some major benefits.

First, as this would probably take nearly 440+ days to resolve, international media would be staying in the Region long enough to produce a slew of human interest stories, Regional boosterism video, and generally spend money. All of this is a positive benefit to the City & Region. True, the undertone of the reports may be something along the lines of "Pittsburgh is a beautiful place, but the people are genuinely psychopathic", but that's going to have to be a risk we're going to have to take.

Second, the international outrage would be immense. At least 6 of the countries are nuclear armed and the combined military force would crush us like insignificant bugs. Don't worry, the fight will be short and painless, however, the occupation could take years. This is actually a good thing. Chances are, about 5 countries would be involved, occupying different sectors of the Region without regard to municipal boundaries. The result, of course, would be a quick and effective municipal consolidation.

Of course, for this to take, we'll need to be occupied for about forty years and chances are either Luke or Dan would be set up as some sort of puppet Dictator in the interim... but we could always oust them in the future with some sort of coup (bloodless or otherwise).

Third, in the wake of this chaos, a lot of things are going to get blown up, destroyed, or otherwise rendered functionally useless. During the occupation, we're going to have the opportunity to rebuild the Region, meaning that we can create jobs, new manufacturing sections, housing, and basically do whole damned thing right this time. (And frankly, if we burned down bits of the more distressed parts of the City on our own, I doubt anyone would question it.)

Now, I'm sure that there are people out there that would consider this to be "illegal" or "seditious" or "a really, really bad idea," but these people are either small minded or work for any of the dozen or so US security agencies. "Videos" and "signs" quickly slip from the public memory; an international kidnapping conspiracy will be remembered forever.

But, think about it folks: one small band of dedicated nutcases could single handily change the course of Pittsburgh and direct us to a brighter future. I think the Allegheny Conference is just nuts enough to do it.

Train of Thought

The Burgh Diaspora has a nice little post about the Amtrak high-speed rail plan and how it relates to the Burgh.

Pittsburgh is increasingly isolated. The historical geography of the region lends itself to a particularly fierce form parochialism and is partly to blame for anemic in-migration. Pittsburgh desperately needs to improve its inter-urban connectivity, especially with cities outside of the United States. Domestically, which high-speed rail route would best benefit Pittsburgh?

Paz chips in his two cents:

No one is going to admit it, but Cleveburgh is probably a more important line than the Keystone corridor (and this is coming from someone who goes East far more often then he goes West). A Cleveland-Pittsburgh line is more in keeping with the major city-paring lines like the Hiawatha in Milwaukee or the Lincoln service in Illinois. Keystone makes more sense politically, but I think Cleveburgh makes more sense from an economic and cultural standpoint.

Actually, it's surprising that Jason Altmire is pushing the Cleveland/Pittsburgh corridor.

No, wait... what's the opposite of surprising? Yeah: obvious.

I mean, Altmire gets that there's a Regional connection between Cleveland and Pittsburgh... and that if this rail line is built, PA-04 is going to benefit enormously, not just from the construction itself but also from the competition/collaboration that can result between the two Regions.

Amtrak, of course, believes that because we are in Pennsylvania, we're obviously to be lumped in with Philadelphia.* While to some extent there may be some truth to that, there will probably be less Regional cross-pollination.

What Altmire has the opportunity to do, however, is make Pittsburgh a major transit node, linking Chicago and the Midwest with Phillie, D.C. and the East... you know, like Switzerland.

Or Breezewood.

---
* Amtrak is obviously unaware of the existence of the Great Pop/Soda War of '19, between the East and Midwest, in which the loser got Pittsburgh.**

** This is a joke. The loser got Toledo.***

*** This is also a joke. It was the Toledo War.

A Bureaucrat's Aside Re: Beer

You know, I'm probably going to get my Yinzer Card revoked for saying this, but I don't really mind Iron City moving out of Pittsburgh. If nothing else, the average quality of the City brewed beers will increase by at least 1000%.

Of course, it will rob locals of an easy opportunity to simulate sex in a canoe.

G-20... Bingo!

I don't think you can overstate the importance of the G-20 summit coming to Pittsburgh. I mean, I suppose you could light yourself on fire and run through the streets of the City yelling "THE G-20 IS COMING! THE G-20 is COMING!", but, frankly, that's overkill and rather tacky. I believe that this violates some international protocol or something.

Anywho, here's the funny thing...

Well, let me step back a second. A friend/colleague of mine once remarked that "Pittsburgh doesn't have an identity problem; it has an image problem." Pittsburgh is, well, Pittsburgh, and any Pittsburgher can tell you exactly what that means to them. However, when you ask people outside Pittsburgh what their impression of the City is (if they haven't visited), you'll probably hear the words "steel" or "smokey" pop up at least once... as opposed to the more appropriate "Steelers" and "gray enough to slit your wrists." To too many people in the Country, Pittsburgh is less an educational and medical epicenter, and more a punchline.

Basically, Pittsburgh has a chance with one week of activities to present the world the face that all of us know and love. With one swift stroke, the White House has done more for Pittsburgh's image than dozens of PRA trips to China, Russia, Japan, Zanzibar, and whatnot have done. This is bigger than Pittsburgh 250 or even Pittsburgh Roars!

Of course, there's a good chance that the City could also be invaded by giant protest paper maché puppets. And I'm not talking about the Allegheny Conference.

I've got a Bad Feeling About This...

Jim over at R2P: Return To Pittsburgh has an unsettling little article out of Newark, NJ:

... "Newark needs people living downtown to realize fully its burgeoning revitalization," Goldman tells GlobeSt.com. "Throughout the country and the world--in places like London, Los Angeles and Pittsburgh--arts centers have led the way in transforming cities. There is every reason to believe that Newark can be the next major urban success story."

Jim adds, "For better or for worse, Pittsburgh is clearly a best-practice model for a number of struggling cities throughout the country."

Frankly, that's the most disturbing thing that I think I've read on the Burghosphere recently: Newark wants to be Pittsburgh.

Perhaps it was the Superbowl, but it seems like we've seen a lot of publicity recently about Pittsburgh being a, well, great place to live. Now, don't get me wrong: I love this place and I do, in fact, think that this is a great place to live.

Articles like the one above, however, seem to imply that what we're doing is part of a consistent, planned strategy, instead of an ad hoc grouping of interests and piecemeal policy decisions. Indeed, certain policy decisions *cough*assessments*cough* would seem to be really, really... well, bad and not conducive at all to redevelopment.

All I can figure is either (a) Pittsburgh is hiding its incompetence really well, (b) we're actually doing something right, (c) other Cities are doing exceptionally bad, or (d) we've been down so long in Pittsburgh, we don't know which way is up.

I hope it's (b) or (d), but I'll wager it's (a).

Dark Clouds and Silver Linings

If you believe the media hype, Pittsburgh's not a bad place to be right now. Businessweek recently called us a "good place to ride out the recession," while Forbes calls us out on both our positive job growth and our strong housing market, and the NY Times slobbers all over us like a $500/hr whore on Elliot Spitzer.

Well, I suppose that's because there's not been a whole lot of call for $500/hr whores in today's economy. Back in the day, John Pittsburgh wasn't actually, let's say "hot with the ladies," but with everyone else wearing cardboard belts, trying to pay for services in pocket change, and with syphilis, Pittsburgh looks pretty good and may do things to you that your uptight Republican wife would never, ever think of doing because her Mother-in-Law's church group is outside the porn store every FRIGGIN' NIGHT protesting something that should be between two consenting and possibly a goat and/or a midget. I mean dammit Louise! Why can't you meet my needs for once!?!

...

I seem to have strayed from my point; let's move to another strained metaphor:

Pittsburgh was the guy in Pittsburgh that was ugly, pimply, had bad teeth, and lived with his mother, who secretly longed for the head cheerleader. Now, at our 20th reunion, our classmates have gotten fat, bald, and unemployed... while Pittsburgh... well, Pittsburgh's a little less ugly, is wearing braces, still a little pimply, lives in the apartment below his mother, but, and here's the important point, looks better than all of its jock former classmates and is in a perfect position to scoop up some 38 year old, single-mother former cheerleader tail.

Where was I?

Ah, yes: Pittsburgh still sucks, but it sucks less than everyone else.

Now, that's not the kind of marketing slogan that the Allegheny Conference wants to splash up on billboards, make into T-Shirts, or advertise along side the next Bassmater Classic. So, I can only assume that this position was reached, not by some careful planning and steady growth strategy, but by accident, completely outside the control of the Economic Development powers that be.

I'm sure that's a real kick in the 'nads to them.

But, let's suppose that this *could* be a strategy for Pittsburgh: one that both invests in low cost of living, moderate (but not stratospheric) job growth in mixed fields, and some sort of modest quality of life improvements. I wonder, what such a Warren Buffet-like, no frills policy would look like? Perhaps that a question for folks with bigger economic development minds than myself.

I mean, it's not like in this economic climate, companies are going to up and relocate to the Burgh just to save a couple of bucks. Existing companies may be looking to expand, but without the appropriate financing available, it is doubtful that any new spin offs can occur during this recession. Something *could* be done, but what that something actually *is*, is something that I don't think anyone has really thought about.

Now, it's a shame that the recession is, you know, destroying the country, but at least there's a silver lining for us.

So far.

Maybe the Grass isn't Always Greener

In my browsing this evening I stumbled another one of those rankings from Forbes. This time it was America's Fastest Dying Cities. For those of you that don't want to click the link, here's the spoiler:

Canton, OH
Youngstown, OH
Flint, MI
Scranton, PA
Dayton, OH
Cleveland, OH
Springfield, MA
Buffalo, NY
Detroit, MI
and of course...
Charleston, WV

But whither Pittsburgh? I, and I'm sure many of my 7 readers, are shocked that Pittsburgh isn't included. I mean, we suck, right? Right?

It would seem, to me anyway, that either we're actually not doing as bad as we could be or that the Forbes rating is off.

Of course, saying that we're better than Flint, MI or (God help us) Cleveland is probably not exactly what our civic boosters want to run in trade periodicals.

COME TO PITTSBURGH: WE'RE NOT BUFFALO

On Green Grass and Fences

For all of our hand wringing around these here parts, it's usual to read an article about how Pittsburgh is a downtown economic development "winner." That seems to be the case, however, at least according to the Kansas City Star, which compares its own $4 Billion investment in its downtown with places like Charlotte, Pittsburgh, Oklahoma City and Denver.

Overall, The Star analyzed the downtown progress made in Kansas City and 13 peer cities. The downtowns were compared in 16 statistical measures, but these comparisons have limitations. Some national statistics only measure the first half of this decade. Plus, different downtowns are in different stages of rebirth, with some starting earlier than Kansas City did.

Given all that, The Star’s analysis represents more of a snapshot than a complete picture.

That snapshot, though, shows Kansas City’s downtown progress below average in more than half of the comparisons with its peers — measures such as new bars, new hotels and office vacancy.

Basically, even with $4 billion invested in downtown so far this decade, we still don’t measure up all that well with other downtowns.

The best line, however, comes at the end from the Mayor of Kansas City:

“Pittsburgh’s a winner,” Funkhouser said. “We’re not close to Pittsburgh. It’s got a vibrant street life.

“It’s what I hope we’ll be like.”

The grass is always greener, I suppose.

*Cough* *Cough* *Hack* *Snort* N'at

Well, it seems once again that Pittsburgh gets placed on the top of one of those lists that no one ever wants to be placed on... and I'm not referring to the TMZ "Whoops: Crotch!" list this time. No, as they reported the other day, we're once again #1 in poor air quality. From the Pittsburgh Business Times:

Pittsburgh has traded in steel and smokestacks for high tech and health care, but the city fared poorly in a new pollution study.

Pittsburgh ranked No. 1 in the American Lung Association's "Top 10 U.S. Cities Most Polluted by Short-Term Particle Pollution."

Now, admittedly, the air up there ain't the greatest, but it's hardly this anymore:


Of course, that doesn't stop the media from thinking that all of a sudden it's unsafe to go out side with a white shirt on:

From Reuters UK: Pittsburgh, a former steel-making center once known for its sooty skies, is the worst U.S. city for short-term particle pollution...

From ABC News: Pittsburgh, America's "Steel City," snagged a second designation — albeit a negative one — this week when, for the first time, the American Lung Association designated it the most air-polluted U.S. city...

From the Philadelphia Inquirer: The ranking isn't good news for a Rust Belt city trying to show that it's no longer a steel town , there are no working steel mills within city limits anymore , but a vibrant metropolis with world-class high-tech, education and medical facilities.

And so on.

Not to minimize the seriousness of the Air Quality Problem in the region, but I'm sick of the meme* that says it's still 1892 in Pittsburgh and that Carnegie and Frick are moments away from bringing in more Pinkerton guards. There is (barely) any steel here anymore people! Our largest edifice to the Bessemer Process is just about to be capped with 12 giant letters as an advertisement for Pittsburgh's true industry: biomedical research and hastily filled out HMO paperwork.

Again, it's that image problem that we've never been able to fucking shake.**

This whole thing has gone on long enough and drastic action is therefore necessary: I propose that every time a news media outlet mentions Pittsburgh as a former Steel City or former Smokey City (outside of a purely historical context) the Allegheny Conference on Community Development must shoot a puppy.

It's the only way the world is going to take us seriously short of blowing up the Moon -- and I think that the ACCD is just evil enough to make it work.

---
* Cf. The Selfish Gene by Richard Dawkins and not any of those "Name Three Things About Yourself" or "LOLCat" emails that have been filling up my inbox.

** It doesn't help, of course, that the nationally recognized sports team is an homage to this industry and provides a convenient excuse for lazy sports producers to edit in stock footage of giant ladles pouring molten steel into vats.

Allegheny Conference on Community Development Review 2006

Somehow my invitation to Thursday's 2006 Allegheny Conference on Community Development Annual Meeting got lost in the mail. I'm going to blame last year's posting on the event, in which I used the phrase "Bassmasturbation" 147 times. Undeterred, I forged a crude invitation using old Post-It Notes, some glitter, glue, and macaroni and slipped in disguised as a Coro Fellow. Using a technique I learned amongst Buddhist monks in the Tibetan Himalayas, I passed unnoticed by several security guards and disguised myself as seat EE 29 in the third tier. There, I waited for 23 hours in total silence until the program started.*

And if you've never seen an Economic Development meeting begin with a musical number, you ain't never seen anything not like this before.

No, I'm not joking. The conference began with "The Grass is Always Greener" the opening number of the musical smash Pittsburgh: Quit Yer Bitchin', which the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette called "The feel adequate show of the Summer."

And jazzhands!!

Chairman & CEO of The PNC Financial Services Group Inc., James E. Rohr, made a very good MC for this event, with his penchant for stepping out from behind the podium and addressing his staff in the audience. It made the conference seem almost human for a few moments as he breezed through the same slides as last year with the same questionable statistics.** But he did try to get the positive energies flowing amongst the conference attendees.

Contrast that to the other speakers, who were focusing on Taxes, Workforce Development, Government, Transportation, and Regionalism:

John P. Surma Jr., Chairman & CEO, United States Steel Corporation and graduate of the William Shatner School of Public Speaking,*** managed to make the already boring subject of corporate tax rates so boring that we could have made it all the way to the Earth's Core.

Not every speaker was a former member of Second City, and American Eagle President Susan McGalla was no exception. There is a script Susan; please try to follow it...even if it is about workforce development.

Thomas L. VanKirk, CEO of Buchanan Ingersoll & Rooney PC, tried to rip apart the podium with his bare hands which, for those of you who may be unfamiliar with it, is a legal maneuver first made popular in the landmark Supreme Court case Schenck v. United States by Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes.

Mr. VanKirk did get the opportunity to introduce two very important guests: Allegheny County Chief Executive Dan Onorato and his kid brother Luke Ravenstahl, who spoke about governmental consolidation (especially the soon-to-be announce merger of the City and County Purchasing Departments) and really cool bikes. If you were hoping to drink every time Luke said "Moving Forward" would have been sadly sober, although you would have been blasted if you had chosen the word "Efficient."

Also announced was a major investors trip to China who, apparently has $1 Trillion to burn. Don't know where they might have gotten that from.

Michele Fabrizi, President & CEO of MARC USA, called on those in attendance to help "spread the word" about Pittsburgh. The conference provided a list of 10 Facts about the Region to be used, you know, in casual conversation with outsiders. For example:

Sir, did you know that Pittsburgh boasts one of the largest collection of certified "green" buildings in the nation.

I don't care asshole! If you touch the girls again, I'm going to throw your drunk ass out into the street.

OK, perhaps it won't work in all situations, but here's some of the facts that YOU can use:

Pittsburgh's cost of living is 93% of the national average.

Our region lives within 3000 miles of 99% of the entire U.S. population.

The average cost of an existing home is less than or equal to 50% of the total cost of all the homes in the region.

All trees in the region take in Carbon Dioxide and release Oxygen, which is vital for life to survive.

Pittsburgh ranked 8th in the nation for made up facts per capita.

So memorize some of these facts and spread the word.

Sadly missing this year, was Murray Gerber's tirade on Education, the general handwringing over the airport, and the word "Bassmaster". On the plus side, it did only run an hour and fifteen minutes, unlike the 2005 Conference Meeting which, I believe, is still going on right now.

The best part of the conference, of course, is the meet & greet afterwards as everyone rushes the buffet. Conspicuous amongst the attendees were Councilman Bill Peduto, Congressman Elect Jason Altmire, Ex-County Commissioner and Weasel Impersonator Larry Dunn, and Ex-County Executive Jim Roddey (who bailed after 30 seconds). Conspicuously absent, however, was Luke who ducked out shortly after his bit, probably because it was a school night. Dan Onorato did hang out for awhile, pressing the flesh.

The hors d'oeuvres were better this year, by the way, mostly because I was able to snag a few.

The ensuing hangover, however, laid me out for three days.

Perhaps next year, I'll be on the invitee list, and won't have to sneak out as an art history docent again.

---
*This is all patently false.

**The Pittsburgh Region, apparently, has more jobs now than it has ever had in its history.

***School Motto: Khaaaaaaaan!

Design v. Reality

Interesting article in the PG about Sara Moore from the River Life Task Force. It talks a bit about the design problems with the City of Pittsburgh and about plans to revitalize the City's waterfront. Paragraph #3, however, hit me like a ton of bricks:

Sure, there are stumbling blocks, such as private owners who haven't yet relinquished the rights to redevelop their waterfront parcels.

Which is developer-speak for "We got nuthin'."

Architects like to say "Form follows Function." The Developer counters that "Form follows Money."

Honestly, all the good design in the world isn't worth a damn if you don't have the cash to pay for it.

Sorry, cynicism caught up with me there.

Yinz Are Not Alone

In all the major yinzer media, this article from CFO Magazine on the looming crisis in major metropolitan areas has been making headlines. Pittsburgh is used as an example of the fiscal problems that other cities across the country are facing.

From the article:

Pittsburgh is not alone. Communities ranging from Atlanta and Buffalo to Chicago and San Diego are in dire shape. Compared with the fiscal troubles of the federal government, those of municipalities have received little attention from corporate executives. But sooner rather than later, businesses will feel the effects of local budget shortfalls, through higher taxes and fees, crumbling roads and bridges, and smaller police departments. Simply relocating may not be the answer — many suburbs now face the same fiscal pressures as inner cities...

The NLC (National League of Cities) study, which included a survey of 288 municipal CFOs, found that 61 percent of municipalities will be less able to meet their financial obligations in 2005 than they were in 2004. And last year was not a good one for cities: it was the third year in a row that general fund revenues, adjusted for inflation, declined. At the same time, costs — especially for public safety and health care — have soared. The result is predictable: with reserves dwindling, many cities are resorting to severe budget cuts and hikes in taxes and fees.

The trouble isn't limited to the old industrial cities of the Northeast. In fact, the study showed that communities in the West and Midwest — including some suburbs — are even worse off. Seventy-five percent of CFOs in Western cities reported deteriorating conditions, as did 74 percent of those in Midwestern cities, compared with 59 percent in the Northeast and 43 percent in the South.

Couple reasons given for this crisis:
(1) Change of income source from goods (taxed) to services (untaxed);
(2) Overeliance on property tax revenue, which is vulnerable to swings in the economy;
(3) The Political goals of Politicians do no equal the Governmental goals of the City;
(4) Cities are burdened with unfunded mandates from the Federal Government and the States;
(5) Rising personnel and pension costs;

Pittsburgh's case also included the problems of binding arbitration, untaxed non-profits, and an inability to contain costs sooner.

So if it comes as any small consolation to you yinzers "aht" there, Pittsburgh, Lakewood CO, THE CITY, and 61% of all the other cities are pretty much up the same creek.

For those of you that love the big picture: if the economy tanks again, cities are screwed... but not just "sort of" or "kinda" screwed... I mean "late night scrambled cable station" screwed. I mean "back room of the video store" screwed. I mean "Fox primetime" screwed. I mean "Bob Villa and Norm Abrams got together to build a home entertainment center so that they could go and rent movies from the back room of the video store to watch with Jenna Jameson AND Paris Hilton" kinda screwed.

But, of course, who doesn't love a man covered in sawdust?

Anyway, I suppose that the rhetorical question in the upcoming Pittsburgh mayoral election is this: how many of these problems will the new mayor (or even the Act 47 or Oversight Board) be able to address and how many of these problems are out of his (her, their) control?