From the ADB Department of Projectile Vomitting

Hang onto your cotton candy, hot dogs, pizza, funnel cakes, and deep fried oreos, kids:

Thrill-seekers will have one more thing to scream about at Kennywood Park in 2012. The new Black Widow will swing a circle of 40 riders back and forth like a pendulum while at the same time rotating them counter clockwise. At its peak, riders will hang 146 feet off the ground -- upside down -- while moving at 68 mph.

As my Grandmother used to say "OH SWEET JESUS I'M GOING TO BE SICK! HELP ME LORD OH HELP ME LORD!!"

I can only assume that this thing was design to get the maximum puke coverage over the park; whereas he Pittfall only had a hork-splash area of about 10 feet around the tower, his thing will send huey from Old Kennywood all the way to the Racer.

Seriously, I think I'm about to throw up just thinking about it.

Paging Ralph to the porcelain phone. Ralph to the White porcelain phone.

A Kennywood Aside

After the last post, I got to thinking: what would be a good name for the Roller Coaster that will be replacing the Turnpike at Kennywood?

I think the answer is obvious: the Mon-Fayette Expressway.

I think the Roller Coaster will have more annual riders though.

Kennywood Announces Privatization of Turnpike

(Reuters) West Mifflin, PA - General Manager Jerome Gibas announced today that Kennywood Park's 43-year old Turnpike ride will be sold to Barcelona based infrastructure firm Abertis for $12.8 billion dollars.

"We are excited about this synergistic partnership, and we look forward to creating a new memory with Abertis."

Kennywood's parent corporation Parques Reunidos would receive a lump sum cash payment, while Abertis would collect fees at the ride entrance. At $12.8 billion, this deal is the biggest privatization of an amusement park ride.

With the downfall of the credit markets, amusement park rides have been looked on favorably by Wall Street investment firms for their reliable sources of revenue. From the entertainment standpoint, privatization lessens the political fallout from increased ticket prices and eases the restrictions on pregnant women and those with heart conditions.

Earlier this year, Morgan Stanley had placed the value of the Turnpike Ride at only $30 million, indicating that there may be more to the deal than has been initially announced.

All riders will still be required to keep their hands and legs in the cars at all times.

Guest Commentary by Private Citizen George Allen Mosley

When I found out that our beloved, family-owned Kennywood was to be sold to a private company, I was crushed. When I found out that it was being sold to a group of dirty, greasy, taco-eating Spaniards, I was enraged. Now, to make matters worse, I find out that the venerable horse racing institution known as The Meadows is to be sold to a bunch of goose stepping Nazi Austrians. Let me tell you, I am livid.

It's bad enough that those lazy, good for nothing Spaniards are jumping over the border and taking our jobs, but now we also have to contend with these Aryans trying to take over our world with their wienerschnitzel and their oompa-music and their ethnic cleansing.

I mean, whatever happened to good old AMERICAN companies, like Bayer or the Westinghouse Electric Company or Marconi? Why don't we have those kinds of red white and blue companies anymore?

Next thing you know, we'll be up to our ears in dirty, slitty eyed, monkey faced, Dutch coming here blowing up our churches, marrying our daughters, and driving down our property values.

When my grandfather immigrated here to Pittsburgh, it certainly wasn't so some foreigner could take his job.

George Allen Mosley is Executive Vice President of the Americanize America Foundation

Kennywood Bought Out By Spanish Firm

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