Governor's Mistress Identified

(Reuters) Columbia, SC. - Fighting pressure to resign, new revelations emerged yesterday about the mistress of South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford and her involvement in a major international criminal organization.

The two term Governor had apologized to his cabinet and the State for his marital infidelity, but lingering questions remain regarding his deceiving his staff after breaking away from a state-funded trade mission to South America last summer to rendezvous with his mistress. Sanford had told his staff that would been hiking the Appalachian trail during the Father's Day weekend, where, again he visited his mistress. The Governor's disappearance spend several days in the news cycle.

New details about the mistress have emerged which indicate that the woman, only identified as "C.S.", is the head of Villains' International League of Evil (V.I.L.E.), a criminal organization whose agents either assist her in committing outrageous thefts or else commit thefts on her behalf.

Anonymous sources close to Sanford say that the Governor had first became aware of "C.S." after her associate Patty Larceny had stolen Vincent Van Gogh's Starry Night from the New York Museum of Modern Art. Sanford followed Larceny and other associates of "C.S." throughout the world, identifying them through hair colour, favourite foods, and favourite author. Sanford had tracked his future mistress to the country of San Marino after she stole the Eiffel Tower from Paris, but, after becoming enamored of her red hat and trenchcoat, he let her go.

The couple later spirited away to Buenos Aries, Argentina, where they plotted to steal all the Beans from Lima.

The Governor refused to comment on these rumors, although he was spotted with a copy of The World Almanac and Book of Facts in his back pocket.

Sen. Roland Burris Admits to "Questionable Activities"

(Newswire) Washington D.C. - On a day which he asked his critics to stop hounding him, Illinois Junior Senator Roland Burris has publicly admitted to a series of questionable activities that put his senatorial seat in jeopardy.

In the wake of ongoing investigations, Burris has already admitted that he talked to several people in the Blagojevich campaign, including the governor's brother and finance chairman, who asked for help in raising money for the governor. New statements by Burris, however, have indicated that other, more sinister activities may have also taken place.

In a written statement to the Illinois State Ethics Commission, Sen. Burris admitted to a series of activities including,

- Actively soliciting campaign contributions for the former Governor;
- Approaching the Obama administration on behalf of the Governor for some sort of Federal Appointment;
- Failing to file Secretary of the Treasury Timothy Geithner's tax returns correctly;
- Giving the Governor advice on hair products;
- Being responsible for canceling Arrested Development;
- Greenlighting multiple Razzie award winner The Hottie and the Nottie;
- Certifying the location of WMDs in Iraq.
- Shooting himself and distant cousin Plaxico Buress in the leg in a crowded night club with his own, unsecured weapon; and
- Being the long lost Lindbergh Baby.

When asked why these things were not revealed during previous state inquiries and affidavits, Sen. Burris responded that "No one had asked."

Burris has spent 30 years in Illinois politics, including a term as attorney general, and unsuccessful runs for governor, senator and Chicago mayor. Detractors have criticized his recent statements by saying that no one with his experience could be this naive to think these events would never come to light.

Federal Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald refused to give specifics, as the Blagojevich case remains an open investigation, but said that the new revelations were "troubling."

In a followup written statement, Senator Burris said that he "didn't understand what the big fuss was all about," and that everyone should just "drop it" and let him be Senator.

Both Chicago news papers and all five fans of Arrested Development have called for Burris' immediate resignation.

The Over/Under on Pat Ford

So, over the weekend I grabbed a drink or two (or twelve) with a handful of my compatriots here in The Bureaucracy and, of course, the discussion eventually turned towards the Pat Ford fracas, and we started laying odds on whether Mr. Ford would be back in the Pittsburgh Public Service realm or not.

I'm laying 2-1 odds that he's gone permanently.

I figure the way that he's approached the media, burned bridges, and decimated two City departments*, he's going to have a heck of a time rehabilitating himself and getting back into everyones' good graces. As can be seen with his relations with certain City Councilpersons, his manner is a bit... how shall we say?... brusque, and he has certainly not endeared himself to nearly half of City Council. Indeed, I'm sure that if was rehabilitated, he would be spending so much time being called before Council, he won't have time to do anything else. One has to wonder if, at this point, anybody will consider him to be an effective tool for mayoral policies or an effective administrator.

My guess is that he'll be cleared by the State Ethics Commission of any wrong-doing, but will ultimately decide that Florida is a much better place to work.

---
* I cannot confirm or deny the rumors that have been circulating that certain public servants in the employ of the City of Pittsburgh gathered for celebratory drinks when they found out that Mr. Ford was put on administrative leave.

Ford alleges "conspiracy" between Housing Authority, Illuminati

Urban Redevelopment Authority Executive Director Pat Ford today strongly hinted that he was "smeared" about his receipt of gifts from a billboard executive as a result of his efforts to blow the whistle on Pittsburgh Housing Authority practices with certain members of an international, secretive cabal known as The Illuminati.

Speaking via telephone from an undisclosed location deep within the South Hills of Pittsburgh, Mr Ford lamented the fact that after 25 years of devotion to "the Brotherhood" he was "offered up as a sacrifice to the almighty Amun."

Mr. Ford is now on paid leave pending a State Ethics investigation as to whether his close personal relationship with a representative of Lamar Advertising unduly influenced and subverted established permit procedures in the erection of a large LED billboard on a new transportation hub at the corner of Grant and 11th Street in downtown.

In a seemingly unrelated matter, Mr. Ford was asked to resign as chairman of the Housing Authority Board under pressure from officials from the US Department of Housing and Urban Development, who cited his role as Executive Director of the Urban Redevelopment Authority as a "conflict of interest."

Mr. Ford believes that there are more sinister motives at play here.

"Do you really think that it's a coincidence that this story broke on April 9th, the same day as the surrender of Robert E. Lee at Appomattox and the day that Francis Bacon, Frank Lloyd Wright and Lorenzo de' Medici all died? All you have to do is tie the pieces together, and you get a conspiracy that is at the root of our Civilization."

When asked to elaborate, Mr. Ford said "Omans! Omans! Find David Icke!" and hung up.

Calls to Illuminati World Headquarters were not immediately returned, however a source that wished to remain off the record believes that Mr. Ford's beliefs are unfounded.

"Does Mr. Fnord really think that with all the black helicopters, dead grey aliens, and a US Presidential Election to rig that the Illuminati even have time to be part of his parochial shenanigans?"

Calls to the Housing Authority were met only with mystical chanting of Ai Ai Meachum Ph'Tagen. Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Meachum Rl'yeh wgah'nagl fhtagn.

IDK My BFF Lamar

Our one and only "Big Fan" Shannon wanted to pass along the contact information for a certain corporation that obviously is in search of new friends. So if you feel lonely, perhaps you should call, email, or send holiday greeting cards to these folks.

Maybe one of you will get a surround sound stereo system out of it, or some cigars, or a tie of some kind.

Maybe they'll come over for a sleepover and you can braid each others hair and eat ice cream all night.

Or maybe you'll end up in front of a State Ethics Review Board.

Lamar Advertising Company
5551 Corporate Boulevard, Suite 2-A
Baton Rouge, LA 70808
1-800-235-2627
Email: General Information

Corporate Fax Numbers
(225) 926-1005 Executive
(225) 923-0658 Accounting
(225) 928-3400 Legal
(225) 926-1192 Human Resources
(225) 927-1287 Real Estate & Antenna

LED Scandal - Brief Commentary

Here's the thing, or, rather, several things that make up one mostly coherent point:

(1) Pittsburgh is a small town.

(2) We all run in overlapping circles.

(3) The political/government gang all run in the same circle.

(4) It is not surprising, therefore, that in many instances Public Officials may encounter their friends in the course of their duties.

(5) It is not inappropriate for friends to give friends gifts.

(6) Therefore, there may be times when friends give gifts to their Public Official friends.

(7) There may be times when friends request favors from their Public Official friends.

And now here's the catch:

Irrespective of whether anyone gets gifts from one's friends, it is the responsibility of a Public Official who, in acting in an official capacity, could make a decision that could directly benefit a friend to not make that decision. It is the responsibility of a public official to refrain from any activity that one might consider "impropriety."

What I'm saying is this: if someone gives a Public Official a gift of non-nominal value and later the Public Official must make a decision that will effect that someone, it is the responsibility of the Public Official to recuse him/herself from that decision... no matter how small that town is.

Pat Ford Fallout - Day 2

Let's get down to it:

With ridiculous lightening quick speed the Sirk-Ford-Lamar story found its way to a head, which is, in an of itself, an unusual occurrence for Ravenstahl scandals. Indeed, the Burkle, Yukon, Steeler tussle, etc. etc. languished for the length of a news cycle before they reached their apogee.

This scandal? The news hit and the mayor not only responded with cleaning house, but also told Lamar to stop with the making of the LED billboard within 24 hrs.


Now that's responsive government... a little too responsive if you ask me.

[There've been unsubstantiated rumors that the Sirk departure was already well underway prior to the news breaking and that this was merely a convenient and politically opportune time to dump her. I can't confirm that rumor.]

The swiftness and intensity of the reaction from the Mayor, however, makes me think that there's something else going on. I mean, he's done what the general public would expect: produce two political corpses. This should satiate our desire and we should move on our merry way.

But maybe that's just it. Maybe the plan is to have Sirk and Ford go down quickly so that the story dies. Maybe there's more dirt than meets the eye here and maybe, just maybe, the Mayor knew that a quick response would settle the matter before other stuff starts to get out.

Or maybe, Sirk and Ford are taking a fall for someone else.