ADB's Guide to the 2010 Heatwave

If you're like me, you spent your 4th of July Weekend trying to pry a melted laptop from your thighs. While Dell has marketed this as a new "security feature" to compete with the Apple MacBook, it probably left you irritable, sweaty, and, above all, hotter than an Eskimo hunting a dragon in the Sahara desert. So, with that in mind, we've come up with some simple tips to help you beat the heat, or at least slightly maim the warmth.

- Stay out of the Sun. The Sun, you may be surprised, is one of the largest contributors of "heat" to this planet (the others being lava and Al Pacino/Robert De Niro). The Laws of Thermodynamics quite clearly state something that I can no longer read because I've sweated all over it and caused it to smudge. I think the gist of it, however, is "it's hot as hell outside."

- Drink lots of water. The human body is roughly 95% water, with the other 5% being carbon, nitrogen, and nougat. While one would think that we have more than enough water to sustain us during these hot days, in reality every minute you're sweating, expiring, and crying out about a gallon of water, according to research that I just made up. It is therefore vital that you continue to drink water until your bladder explodes or you wet yourself during important presentations.

- Avoid drinking alcohol. This only goes for Red Wine, Porters, and Jaegermeister, which make you sweat and/or think that you people are secretly laughing behind your back and that you need to give them a piece of your mind. To be fair, however, Jaeger should be avoided at all times. Feel free to continue to drink Wittbiers, Mojitos, and anything with an umbrella in it.

- Take the umbrella out of your girly drink before you drink it. The number 2 cause of emergency room visits during heat waves is eye injury because of girly drinks.

- Crank up the A/C to maximum level and open all the windows. The only way that we're going to make it cool outside is to harness the power of every single Air Conditioner on earth. There is no possible flaw in this plan.

- Check on the elderly. This is not for their safety, but rather because they always seem to be cold. Try to figure out how they do it.

- Avoid Councilman Doug Shields. The Councilman vibrates at such a high rate that he produces 10,000 BTUs of heat over the course of a council meeting. Prolonged exposure will result in your face melting off like that Nazi guy in Raiders of the Lost Ark.

- Seductively rub ice on your nipples. This will only work for some and work in a completely different way for others.

- Repeatedly mention to others how hot it is. Acceptable phrases include "How about that heat," "Gosh! It's hot out today," and "Hot enough for you?" This will not actually help you beat the heat, but it'll make others feel hotter and you, by comparison, feel colder.

- Hang around with Arthur Fonzarelli. Man, that guy's cool.

- Eliminate unnecessary clothing. Avoid wearing wool sweaters. If you work in an office, consider buying an "Executive Speedo" for meetings.

- You know that guy that was making "Global Warming Jokes" back in February? Punch him in the crotch. This will not prove or disprove anthrocentric climate change, but it'll make you feel pretty good for about 10 seconds.

Now, if the rest of you would kindly remove yourselves from my neighborhood pool, I think we'd all feel a whole lot better.