Mitt Romney Defeats Mitt Romney in PA Primary

(Reuters) Harrisburg, PA - A very nearly emotional Mitt Romney greeted rationally exuberant crowds in Pennsylvania's capital yesterday, who gathered to celebrate his victory against Mitt Romney in the state primary.

"Human people," said Romney to a relatively full Marriot ballroom, "I want to express my, what I'm being told is 'gratitude' for all of your work for me over the last few weeks. I intend to continue this campaign, fighting for what it is that I think you think I should believe in."

Candidate Romney faced a vigorous challenger in the person of Mitt Romney, the former Governor of Massachusetts, who many have found aloof, out of touch, and prone to waffling on issues. Governor Romney pulled within 3 percentage points in polling early in the month, but Candidate Romney managed to eek out a win nonetheless.

Republicans in the Commonwealth voiced their overwhelming acknowledgment of the primary.

"I went in there to vote for the best possible candidate," said Wenglebert McGrizzlebeard, a small arms dealer from Mars PA. "When I saw the list of candidates, I decided to vote for Mitt Romney anyway. I've been a registered Republican since 1978 and I figure, well, Candidate Romney is a Republican too, I guess."

Candidate Romney's campaign has been dogged in recent weeks by allegations from Governor Romney that he once supported many positions, including universal health care, abortion rights, among others, that he now does not. Governor Romney has promised to continue raising these allegations up through November.

Candidate Romney appeared to be unfazed by Governor Romney during his celebratory speech.

"I want to say that as much of what I am now, I was before, and may not be now unless you think otherwise. And I hope that in November you elect me President of the Human United States of America."

The next primary is Louisiana, which Governor Romney is expected to carry.