A Bureaucrat's Snarky Aside

You are neither special nor unique, Snowflake.

World Cup Soccer Update

We've secretly replaced the US Team with the Pittsburgh Pirates. Let's see if anyone notices...

City Council Moves to Ban Vuvuzelas from Meetings

Bowing to pressure today from City Channel Pittsburgh and Comcast Cable, City Council approved a standing rule that would ban vuvuzelas in council chambers.

The move came in response to the increasing prevalence of the instruments during the public comment period. The request for the ban came from City Clerk Linda Johnson who complained that in the process of transcribing the meeting minutes from the recordings, her staff could not differentiate the monotonous droning buzzing sound from that of Doug Shields.

"This is a great move to preserve the decorum of Council," said co-sponsor Theresa Smith, "despite concerns about whether free speech extends to musical instruments". The legislation's other co-sponsor Mr. Sheilds added "Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz."

City Channel Pittsburgh and Comcast had also complained to Council that the vuvuzela din was driving its viewer away to reruns of JAG.

The vuvuzela will still be allowed elsewhere in the City-County building and other municipal offices, however, any correspondence with PWSA by vuvuzelas must be followed up in writing.

The legislation is expected to be signed by the Mayor within the next two days.

World Cup Soccer Update

And now a live report from our sports correspondent from South Africa:



*Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz* [Deep breath] *Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*

More updates tomorrow.

Council President Orders Change of Paint Colors

In a stunning turn of events, Council President Darlene Harris has ordered the maintenance staff of the City Council building to change the paint color of the 5th floor outside of council chambers from "off cream governmental white" to "official cream-white".

"I have been agonizing over this decision for the last seven months," said the Council President at an early morning press conference, "and I feel that this is will be the biggest decision that I will ever make as Council President."

The Council President had originally ordered the area outside of Council Chambers to be painted "off governmental white" several months ago, after an intense series of internal meetings. After a few months, however, the Council President had second thoughts and order her staff to re-examine the previous decision. After personal intervention from the Council President herself, the decision was rescinded and the "official cream-white" was re-established.

Total cost for both the change and the change back is expected to be three quarters of a million dollars.

The Council President says that she's pleased with the decision, and says that she will devote the next three months towards the re-laminating process of Council chamber, which she terms "her highest priority" for the foreseeable future.

Beer-er My God to Thee

Where was I?

Ah, this:

After years of squabbling over unpaid bills, the Pittsburgh Water & Sewer Authority today announced it had reached a settlement with Lawrenceville-based Iron City Brewing LLC.
The total value of the settlement is $750,000, above the $400,000 figure the authority originally agreed to, but below the $1 million sought by city councilman Patrick Dowd, a member of the PWSA board, whose district includes the now mostly vacated 148-year-old brewery in Lawrenceville now proposed for redevelopment.

As part of the settlement, PWSA will retain the rights to "Piss Water", previously reserved for Iron City and will be allowed to dump the beer directly into the toilets, in order to eliminate the middle man.

I also heard from a leak that the whiz kids over at Iron City Brewing will be allowed to pass water bills onto new owners of the building.