NFL to Fine Winter

Following two separate incidents over the last month, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has announced that the Season of Winter will be fined $25,000 for "unsportsmanlike" conduct.

"This is a serious matter for the League. Seasons cannot behave in a manner that jeopardizes the health and safety of players. We are a serious league. This is a serious matter.

A winter snow storm caused the collapse of the Metrodome on December 12, relocating the Minnesota Vikings to temporary venues and another storm required the delay of the Vikings-Eagles game this weekend. Mr. Goodell's office maintains that such flagrant actions will not stop unless appropriate penalties are meted out.

Critics have recently complained that the NFL has issued fines and suspensions in an inconsistent manner. The most recent fines against a season will probably not do much to quell such critiques.

League officials did not say how, exactly, they were planning on enforcing the fine, although it is expected that they withold the Superbowl from any places within its icy grasp. Some have suggested that either Santa Claus or Jack Frost be fined in Winter's stead; it has been pointed out, however, that these are fictional characters and fining them would be ludicrous.

Mr. Goodell, however, remains firm on his position.

"I'm serious here people. Stop laughing at me!"