In honor of those cheese eating surrender-monkeys in Parisland, I'm presenting my itinerary for that lesser of democratic holidays in July, Bastille Day:
6:00 AM: Wake up.
6:30 AM: Breakfast; Black coffee, cigarettes, contemplation of the bleakness of existence. Argue that breakfast functions as a bourgeois substitute for real commitment in the world, even if it includes bacon.
7:30 AM: Surrender to Germans. Learn how appreciate Knackwurst, Wagner, and David Hasselhof.
9:00 AM: Complain about the increase of trans-Atlantic hyperhegemony. Laugh at ridiculousness of American President. Pout. [Repeat as necessary.]
9:30 AM: Raise subsidy on agriculture.
10:00 AM: Attack comparable international naval superpower (Greenpeace). Surrender.
11:00 AM: Decrease number of national vacation days from 49 to 48.
11:02 AM: Strike.
11:05 AM: Reinstitute 49 vacation days.
Noon: Lunch; Black coffee, cigarettes. Eat cake.
12:30 PM: Execute King, Aristocracy, Criminals, Clergy, Royal Sympathizers, Arch-Revolutionaries, Revolutionaries, and anyone else who happens to wander by.
1:30 PM: Institute Empire with help of Corsican half-brother; invade Russia.
1:45 PM: Check weather to see why it's so cold in Russia in July.
2 PM: Surrender to Russia, Prussians, Austrians, English, Italians.
2:15 PM: Realize there is no Prussia anymore; Surrender anyway.
2:16 PM: Realize that no one has surrendered to the Italians since 312 AD; hang head in shame.
3:00 PM: Eat Beef Wellington; vomit.
4:00 PM: Plant more trees along the Champs-Élysées. Check with Berlin to ensure proper shadiness ratio.
5:00 PM: Throw up baracades, escape from literary personification of irrational vengeance, get shot, collapse, die, sing. Repeat at Tony Awards.
6:00 PM: Bathe (Optional)
7:00 PM: Dinner: Wine, cigarettes, cheese, wine.
8:00 PM: Night of passion with Mistress, Wife, Au Pair, Revolutionaries, and anyone else who happens to wander by.
Midnight: Surrender to Self.
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