Monday, July 18, 2005

Rant #7592: Stop the Heat

Yes. It is hot enough for me, you worthless piece of shit. Now fuck off.

I'm sick to death of this heat. I'm tired of the haze. I'm fed up with the humidity. It's all making me cranky, irratible, and, above all, sweaty.

I no longer wish to do my human sprinkler routine every time I step outside. I have now officially run out of clothes to wear that are not soaked with my own sweat and body odor. I do not want to offend the public, members of government or the press with my stank... well, maybe the press.

I do not wish to be mistaken again for Richard Nixon debating in a sauna.

I'm sick of the rain, every day, at 5:30 PM. I'm tired of walking home from my bus stop through what feels like a tropical rain forest. No, scratch that... I'm tired of swimming home from my bus stop. I have been attacked by maccaus, pirahnas, and some sort of hallucinogenic toad, NONE of which are indigenous to this part of Pennsylvania. Yet, somehow this heat, rain, and humidity have all gotten them to think that this is some portion of the Amazonian basin.

This heat must be stopped, whether by act of God or act of derranged evil genius. A good missle at the heart of the sun would work nicely. [Phooey on all of you that protest about the "extinction of mankind," I'm fucking sweaty.]

I recognize, of course, that now that the soltice has passed, I can no longer expect to see temperatures in the lower fifties, and I can accept that.

Until October, however, I'm staying in my bedroom naked with the windows closed and the A/C running at full blast.

I will be using up all of my sick days on this, and I think it's worth it.

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