Thursday, June 14, 2007

Mayoral Tiger Hunt

OK, look:

I don't care if the Mayor tried to crash an American Express event at the Oakmont Country Club in a misguided attempt to meet Tiger Woods. Seriously. When I was his age, I crashed (or at least attempted to crash) many events at which the security was equally impressive, if not more so.

By the way, and for those of you that were unaware, the Secret Service does not look kindly upon gate crashers. They will fuck you up. I am not kidding. Do not fuck with them. They put nobly things in places that only your doctor or a friend with a safety word dares to probe.

Still, I wasn't the Mayor of a major metropolitan area at the time... or even the mayor of Pittsburgh.

What gets me about this whole event is that, if you believe the rumors, Luke was just trying to meet Tiger Woods. If so, the whole course of events is 100% unacceptable.

Now, if I was Mayor (and, God and several thousand rigged ballot boxes later willing I will be), I would have realized that there would have been a far more simple way to realize this goal:

Step One: Have the previous Mayor die.


Step Two: Have the local public golf course renamed after former Mayor.


Step Three: Invite Golf celebrities to help re-dedicate the local public golf course. If they protest, say that there will be free golfing lessons... for children... homeless children... with cancer, or something. Golfers are notorious suckers for stuff like that.

Step Four: Meet Tiger Woods. Get photo with said Mr. Woods... and maybe Ernie Els if he looks lonely.
See, if Bob O'Connor were still alive, he'd have Dick Skrinjar on this assignment so fast it would have made your neck snap back like the 18th hole at Oakmont.

I don't know what that metaphor means, though. I think it has something to do with a Birdie or a Mulligan, or a 4 wood, or something...

The point is: being mayor is better than meeting Tiger Woods. This cannot be proven, but it is. Just like Mt. Everest is, or like being beaten by the Secret Service isn't.


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