Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Undeclared Candidate Gov. Apunchinthecrotch Leads Republican Field in New Poll

WASHINGTON (AP) - A new Gallup poll on the Republican Presidential field to be released tomorrow shows undeclared candidate former Wyoming Governor Bill Apunchinthecrotch leading the Republican field by 10 points. 
The survey of 500 registered Republicans shows former Senator Fred Thompson, himself also undeclared, in second place trailing Apunchinthecrotch 30 to 20 points.  Senator John McCain and former New York City mayor Rudolph Guilliani tied at 5 points a piece, with the remaining eight candidates splitting the balance.
This is particularly bad news for McCain who had protested the inclusion of Apunchinthecrotch in the poll.  A McCain spokesperson said off the record, "There is no possible way that voters will be willing to accept Apunchinthecrotch this time next November.  No real Republican would seriously consider four years of Apunchinthecrotch." 
One in four potential voters, however, indicated that they would be 'likely' or 'very likely' to vote for Apunchinthecrotch.  "After the last few years of failed policies, I think that I would rather have Apunchinthecrotch over the business-as-usual mentality of Washington," said Marshall Peerless, 42, a computer software engineer and a registered Republican.  "I think the American people need Apunchinthecrotch, now more than ever."
The Wyoming Governor was in Casper today campaigning for his son who is running for State Senate.  In remarks to the crowd, largely seen as foreshadowing a potential Presidential bid, the Governor said, "The Great State of Wyoming knows what it means when you vote for Apunchinthecrotch, and I think the rest of the nation may just get Apunchinthecrotch in November 2008". 
Political pundits met the results of the poll with ambivalence. 
"After viewing a fairly weak field, a lot of Republicans in the country are seeing Apunchinthecrotch as a real viable alternative," said Dr. Karl Gruber of the Heritage Foundation.  "However, he is a real unknown.  What will be the Apunchinthecrotch strategy be towards terrorism, or immigration, or taxes?  What will Apunchinthecrotch do for the American people?  Will the voters be happy with Apunchinthecrotch?" 
An Apunchinthecrotch announcement would certainly add to the intrigue within his powerful political family: his cousin, Montana Representative Frank Akickintheass has been actively courting Democratic candidates for possible inclusion as a Vice Presidential nominee.  Governor Bill Richardson (D-NM) has already expressed a strong interest in energizing his campaign with Akickintheass. 
According to Gruber, however, the race is far from over.  "Given the experience of Apunchinthecrotch and the general affability of Akickintheass, I think there's a real chance that you could see Apunchinthecroth/Akickintheass ticket come this time next year.  That would be a one-two combination for the Country." 

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