Sunday, December 09, 2007

Mayor's Office Celebrates Entire Week of Not F@#&ing Up

A month after he was elected mayor of Pittsburgh, and two weeks before his inauguration, Luke Ravenstahl managed not to fuck everything up for a whole week.

On one day, Tuesday, City Council asked for an end to state fiscal oversight; Don Barden said he'll move forward on his North Shore casino next week; and the mayor agreed not to veto an ordinance on police domestic violence. Late in the day, the Mayor decided against selling high school drop outs to UPMC for organ harvesting purposes.

Each decision was a tough one, but as the Mayor approaches his December 20th inauguration, he faces a long selection of potentially disastrous decisions that are yet to be made.

For now, the 27 year old Mayor seems content to rest on the laurels of the bad decisions that he has not yet made. Saying that "with the budgetary shortfalls and discussions with the County and the State regarding administrative mergers, there are plenty of ways that I can completely fuck up."

"I struggled with trying to get my message out there for a significant period of time because of some of the other things that arose throughout the campaign," he conceded, adding "I hope that the citizens of the City will realize that there are times when I will, unfortunately, not act like a complete horse's ass 100% of the time."

Mayoral spokesperson Joanna Doven in a press release itemized several ridiculously bad ideas that the Mayor had chosen not to pursue including using the Public Works asphalt plant to construction a giant statue of 1980s T.V. star Peter Scolari urinating champagne, paying off the City bond debt with his Discover card, and a controversial plan to sell the Fineview neighborhood for money for hookers and blow. The mayor also wisely chose not to tell a CMU computer science class that if they hung around with Asian students they "would get all slitty eyed."

Duquesne Law Professor Joseph Sabino Leger said the mayor's ability not to act like a total putz for a week is a sign of growing maturity in the young politician.

"Still, with the number of decisions that the mayor needs to make on a given day, it will only be a matter of time before he supports an amendment to the City Homerule Charter banning the use of gerunds. I believe he has a long way to go and we can expect more fuck ups in the near future."

The Mayor's Office's Task Force on Bad Ideas is due to present it's recommendations to the mayor on January 3rd at the City's first annual Children's Handgun and Liquor festival.


EdHeath said...

So you are saying that signing off on Council's asking Dennis Yablonsky to take his tax breaks and get off our backs is *not* f*cking up?

O said...

cf. This article.

Plagiarism or homage? You decide.

Char said...

You mean gerund usage is legal?????

Sherry said...

not only gerund usage but gerbil abuse as well! ; )