Monday, December 31, 2007

An Open Letter to 2008 A.D.

Dear 2008 A.D.,
As you may or may not be aware, at this time last year I offered my reflections on the passing of one of your predecessors, 2006 A.D., in favor of the more current incumbent 2007 A.D.  Indeed, my assessment of 2006 was quite negative and I cynically believed that 2007 would continue to be much the same. 
As the saying goes, the cynic is never disappointed. 
I realized, however, that I probably did not properly express myself in such a manner so as to affect any real change in the upcoming year.  Therefore, with that in mind, I am endeavoring to address you, the upcoming year, a bit more directly so as to make a positive impact on your annual development.  With that in mind, here is my advice to you: do not suck
Of course I do understand that, given how little the incumbent year has left you to work with, this is a difficult request to fulfill.  After a year of work, Osama bin Laden is still at large, war continues unabated in the Middle East, the value of the dollar has tanked, home foreclosures are on the rise, civil liberties continue to be curtailed, popular music continues its decline, people still know more about celebrities and reality T.V. shows than they know about their government (unless a senator is caught with his pants down in a "wide stance"), consumers continue to buy useless junk that they don't need, a Democratic Congress which has raise appeasement to near Chamberlain levels, unruly children continue to run amok, local politics continues to be roughly comparable to a three ring circus, global climate change has messed a whole bunch of things up, and no one has been able to adequately explain the continued popularity of "popped" collars. 
To make things even more difficult for you, 2007 has left you with an unfinished US Presidential campaign replete with a thousand different candidates, a million different policy positions, a billion hours of TV advertising, and exactly zero chance of a happy resolution.   This quadrennial fracas only seems to escalate, and it'll be up to you, sadly, to try to contain the melee. 
Of course, local politics was a crapfest as well from the general election, to the Ravenstahl arrest scandal, to the Penguins leaving/not leaving/leaving/staying, to the new arena, to the "Ron Air" Ravenstal scandal, to the mass firings of the departmental directors, to the Hill Public meeting Ravenstahl scandal, to the Twanda Carlisle indictment, to the Cyril Wecht kinda-sorta trial, Jim Motznik's short lived blog, the rise (and fall) of Mark DeSantis, Ravenstahl's ethics board scandal, an errant salad at the county courthouse, more useless studies and commissions, miscellaneous Ravenstahl Scandals (not elsewhere classified), a council asking for the end of state oversight, and the general, unavoidable feeling that the whole damned town is going down the shitter.
And to top it all off, 2007 took Kurt Vonnegut, the tragedy which was only slightly mitigated by the fact that Jerry Fallwell was "called home" and Alberto Gonzales was sent packing as well . 
There are, of course, things that could make you better.  Impeachments and indictments across the board would be a good start.  So would getting those civil liberties back.  A progressive and rational environmental and energy policy would be nice.  I would love to see the reemergence of statesmen over politicians.  Less backbiting and more collaboration on the local government level would also be great.   
Oh, and it would be super if you could bring back Arrested Development
So, my charge to you 2008: don't suck.  I realize that after seeing how badly your predecessor was you're thinking that there's no possible way that you could suck more, but 2007 said the same thing last year. 
The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat


Sherry said...

and if 2008 doesn't listen it might just find a horses head in it's bed! ; )

Matthew said...

It sounds like you would enjoy this shirt from Woot!