The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat: This Blog Will Now Cost 10% More

The Rules of Bureaucracy

Rule #O: "The Rules of Bureaucracy are mutable, non-canonical, non-ordinal, and contradictory, except in the cases where they are not."
Rule #1: "Document everything you do; if you didn't write it down, it didn't happen."
Rule #2 [The Sixty Minutes Rule]: "Never do anything that would cause Ed Bradley, Mike Wallace, Morley Safer, Steve Croft, Leslie Stahl, or even Andy Rooney to persue you down a hallway with a camera crew."
Rule #3: "Nothing Simple is Ever Easy"
Rule #4: "It's about the money; follow the money."
Rule #5: "Never ascribe to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
Rule #6: "Politics is the enemy of good government."
Rule #7: "The biggest detriment to public service is the public."
Rule #8: "The second biggest detriment to public service is the service."
Rule #9: "There's a reason; there's ALWAYS a reason."
Rule #10: "The Law is a harsh mistress: The rigorous and exacting application of which can benefit of society when used correctly to advance good policy and block bad, and be the bane of society when used incorrectly to advance bad policy and block good."
Rule #11: "Public service often involves waking up in the morning, opening up the newspaper, and discovering that someone, somewhere out there thinks that you're a dickhead."
Rule #12: "No one really knows what you do."
Rule #13 [Luke's Rule]: "No one ever acts like the bastard they really are."
Rule #14: "Bureaucracy endures."
Rule #15: "The longer you work in bureaucracy, the more Catch-22 resembles non-fiction."
Rule #16: "Politicians are not smarter than you."
Rule #18: "Money is not created equal."
Rule #19: "Mediocrity is normalcy."
Rule #17: "Within any bureaucratic structure, resources (e.g. people, money, knowledge, etc.) are not distributed uniformly."
Rule #20: "Don't assume a fiduciary liability without a committed resource allocation."
Rule #21: "If you do your job and obey the law, they can't reasonably fire you."
Rule #22: "The Budget will always be wrong."
Rule #23: "Always sign in blue."
Rule #24: "A Bureaucrat must be able to explain and justify his/her actions to laymen without resorting to the phrase 'because the Rules say so.'"
Rule #25: "Never voluntarily relinquish control of an original document."
Rule #26: "Sometimes you just have to say 'Screw the rules'"
Rule #27: "Change sucks."
Rule #28: "Sometimes the answer is 'No.'"
Rule #29: "It is very easy to make difficult decisions when no one has a clue what's going on."
Rule #30: "If you hang around long enough, eventually you will become an expert in something."
Rule #31: "Data, technology, and automatic processes can never completely supplant human interaction."
Rule #32: "Cover thine own ass."
Rule #33: "It's not real until it has its own acronym."
Rule #34:There is nothing more dangerous than an elected, resourceful idiot.
Rule #35: It will always take longer than expected.
Rule #36: Coming Soon...

Thursday, December 06, 2007

This Blog Will Now Cost 10% More

OK, so the drink tax is now a done deal and only too late do I realize this was merely a trap to silence this blog.

On one hand you have a tax that funds the Port Authority; on the other hand, you have more expensive drinks at Gooski's, the Squirrel Cage, Penn Brewery, Mitchell's, Mullaney's, Piper's, D's, Big Jim's, Silky's, Sharp Edge (Emporium AND Creekhouse), Fat Head's, Ryan's, Kelly's, Buffalo Blues, and The Church. Your's truly is dependent on all of the above to power this blog.

Without the bus, I don't have the mind numbing tedium necessary to think up things like comparing the Mayor to a less competent George W. Bush without the whole "Male Cheerleader" thing.*

Without the drink, I don't have the fuel necessary to power my profanity laden rants and the protection necessary to keep the Downtown free WiFi waves out of my brain.

And, of course, I'm a contentious drunk, so I don't drink and drive... I drink and bus. [If you've never ridden the 61C and puked into the change box, well, you're a better person than me.]

But anyway, I'm not saying that the drink tax is directly aimed at me, but I have stocked up on beer, wine, vodka, gin, scotch, bourbon, port, mead, and sherry**, so I can exploit the "stay-at-home-and-drink-in-the-dark-alone" loophole in the law.

I hope you're happy, John DeFazio.

---
* Give me a break... I got a ride home today.
** But no Jägermeister.... that's just nasty.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...: ** But no Jägermeister.... that's just nasty.

Mmmm...minty.

Sorry, what's the subject again?

[vomits Jägermeister]

[wipes mouth]

Sorry, what's the subject again?

.

-spork_incident; 3:51 AM
fester said...: Come on, Jaeger is great with some light beer and orange juice...; 9:48 AM
Frank said...: You should setup a donations box in your sidebar that shows how many drinks you're planning on having in a given day, and then how much people need to donate to pay your tax for you!

The Blurgh; 4:46 PM
Bram Reichbaum said...: I think you mean you are a conscientious drunk. You are surely also a contentious drunk, but that's neither here nor there.; 6:13 PM
O said...: fester: Eeew! What idiot in is right mind would drink something like that.

Frank: I like the cut of your jib, m'laddo.

Bram: Conscientious/Contentious... whaddya want? I'm drunk... it says so in the title. You're lucky I can usually form a coherent sentence. Besides, have you *read* the disclaimer at the bottom of the page.; 6:27 PM
Sherry Pasquarello said...: join a fraternal club. the alcohol there is going up too but it's still usually a lot cheaper than anywhere else, especially the places you've mentioned.

if not, there are the joys of staying in drinking while snuggled in a blanket! it is winter.; 10:14 AM

The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat

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Thursday, December 06, 2007

This Blog Will Now Cost 10% More

6 comments:

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