Monday, November 22, 2010

Security Administration to Begin Driver Pat Downs

(Reuters) Washington D.C. - Transportation Security Administrator John S. Pistole has announced that the TSA will begin random pat-downs of drivers of U.S. drivers for "security purposes."

"We're clearly concerned about weapons, bombs, poisons, water bottles, lipstick, and nail clippers being brought on board civilian aviation craft, but until now, there's been a blind spot in our terrestrial transportation security. This blind spot ends today."

Changes are the result of a routine traffic stop in West Hackensack NJ, when a driver was pulled over under the suspicion of carrying a 4 ton nuclear warhead in his Mazda Miata. Mr. Pistole said that, while the resulting strip search and grope-fest resulted in nothing more conclusive than a three year old Malo Cup, this doesn't mean that the American public shouldn't be terrified.

"Sure, there's one guy in Hackensack that didn't have a bomb... this time. But there are hundreds of other automobiles that could potentially be carrying something lethal: a bomb, anthrax, gasoline... We need to search ever car. You know: for safety."

Road checks will be placed at random intervals along major US highways. Drivers can opt for a "backscatter" radiation scan or a mechanic can disassemble your car by the side of the road. Delays to drivers are not expected to exceed 12 hours per check. Drivers will also be subjected to personal examinations, the results of which will be forwarded to your primary care physician at no extra charge.

Local reaction was mixed to the news.

"I'm not sure how I feel about this," said Betty Cunningham of Blawnox. "Sure, I think that it's a dehumanizing violation of our civil liberties, but on the other hand, I'm really scared of Muslims."

UPDATE: Drivers should be aware that a man in a white tank top and blue cuttoffs seen lurking at the North Somerset rest stop is not an authorized TSA agent. Drivers should not allow him to perform pat downs, no matter how many badges he shows you.

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