Monday, November 29, 2010

@ Wikileaks

Now if you have access to the Internets, you're probably already well aware that the folks at Wikileaks have published a metric assload of Department of State dispatches and communiques, detailing everything from a future reunification plan for the Koreas to Col. Gaddafi's fear of upper floors. It's a fascinating little peak into a world of diplomacy that most U.S. citizens never really come in contact with.

That being said, I have a bit of a confession to make.* You see, back years ago before I was a local bureaucrat, I was an employee with the State Department assigned to several countries that were, shall we say, less than Club Med quality. Seriously, I had the runs for like 2 1/2 years. As I'm reading through the database of Wikileaks, I realized that I actually wrote a good number of these cables. So, I'd like to clear the air a bit and/or retract a few statements I made.

*I did say that Francois Mitterand got "more ass than a bidet," despite being dead, but I did not call him a "Frankish twunt."

*Gorbachev's head should not have been referred to as "the bullseye", that was insensitive.

*Slovenia and Slovakia are in fact different countries, I know this now.

*Not everyone in Togo eats humans.

*Kim Jong-Il is not a very tall man who stands very, very far away from the cameras. He is, in fact, a troop of megalomaniacal dwarf-acrobats.

*Margaret Thatcher is not and never was a looker.

*I once referred to Pope John Paul II as "Funny Hat Man," but I wasn't aware of other priests playing with their "funny hat men" in front of other children.

*The Dutch are not all potheads, just very tall and awfully white.

*The Germans don't like to be referred to as "Hitlerians" or even "The People Formerly Called Hitlerians." Other than that, they are very hard to insult.

*The EU headquarters are not located in a Virgin Records store in London.

*Drinking contests with Russians should be avoided.

*The Vatican is a good place to try to score some strange.

*A misprinted comma on my part led to the break up of Yugoslavia. Don't ask.
I hope this all sets the record straight. I can only hope no permanent damage was done to U.S. Diplomatic efforts... except for the Dutch thing.

*All of this is a lie, but an entertaining lie, I hope.


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