Thursday, December 22, 2011

Our Crystal Ball...

It's almost that time of year again where we forget about everything that's happened in the prior year and focus squarely on the upcoming on.  So, without any further ado (except this little bit right here), here are the ADB predictions for 2012:


  • The International Financial Crisis will deepen as investors dump U.S. and European Bonds and invest in captioned pictures of cats.

  • In an attempt to confuse creditors, European Union will dissolve and reform as "United Europe."

  • There will be crisis in the Middle East, possibly involving sectarian strife, oil, and/or sand.

  • The UN will forget where they put Guinea-Bissau.

  • New North Korean leader Kim Jong Un will reveal himself to be Margaret Cho in a fat suit.

  • Vladimir Putin will win a third term as Russian President using the slogan: "Vote Putin if You Want to Live."  He will gain 95% of the vote through intense stares alone.

  • Fidel Castro will spend the entire year being "close to death."

  • The Large Hadron Collider will have going to be have had discovered evidence of time travel in 2010 in 2013.

  • YouTube will upload its 1,000,000,000th video: a cat punching a man in the crotch.  The RIAA will immediately demand that it be taken down for copyright infringement of its business practices.

  • The 2012 Mayan Prophecy will finally be revealed via a Little Orphan Annie Secret Society Decoder Pin.

  • Extraterrestrial Aliens will land in Trafalgar Square, grab a bite to eat, ask for directions to Barnard's Star, and be on their way.


  • Mitt Romney will lose the South Carolina primary to a more dynamic and interesting cardboard cut out of Mitt Romney.  The Republican National Convention will eventually coalesce around the candidate that drew the short straw.

  • Michelle Bachmann will drop out of the GOP Primary race and instead run as an Independent for President of the Moon People.

  • Congressional approval ratings will scrape the bottom of the barrel and then start to dig their way through the barrel, eventually finding themselves in the center of the Earth's molten core.

  • The Presidential election will be decided by two states: Wisconsin and Denial.

  • The US Economy will go up or down, which will be blamed on the President.

  • The Occupy Wall Street movement will be co-opted by TLC as a new reality show. Ironically, no one will learn anything from the experience.

  • Britney Spears will be married for the third time as part of a cross promotion with her new album and then for a fourth time to distract from poor album sales. .

  • Americans will still inexplicably care about the Kardashians.

  • Community will return to rave reviews, but no one will know when NBC has placed it on the schedule.

  • Instead of re-remastering Star Wars, George Lucas will instead resort to outright blackmailing of fans.


  • Governor Tom Corbett will accidentally drink 6 oz. of fracking fluid and mutate into something closely resembling a human being.

  • The State Legislature will do absolutely nothing of consequence, but make it seem like they have.

  • New PA Congressional Redistricting maps will result in the unintended enfranchisement of most of Delaware.

  • The City of Harrisburg will solve its financial quandary by turning the entire city into a Thunderdome.

  • The PA Turnpike will be blocked between the Bedford and Somerset Exits from 8:15 PM to 11:20 PM because of an overturned tractor trailer.

  • State Liquor Stores will be sold to Highmark Blue Cross/Blue Shield.  The deal will be praised for its "synergy".

  • Transportation will be funded entirely through "Groupon Deals".

  • Wilkes-Barre will be something else, let me tell you.  You'll wish you had been there to see it.

    City & Region

  • Luke Ravenstahl will be embroiled in a scandal involving developer kickbacks, road paving, and a parrot named "Morty" who just won't shut up about Tim Tebow.

  • With the departure of Doug Shields, City Council meetings will be over in 30 minutes.

  • Rick Fitzgerald will lose his temper and punch a hole in the City-County Building.

  • Fox Chapel residents will whistle and walk away non-nonchalantly.

  • USAirways will begin $5 direct flights to Paris (with $3,000 disembarking fees).

  • Someone will hit on a hard 18 at the Rivers Casino.

  • People will be angry about their property reassessments.

  • The Borough of Mount Oliver will continue to exist for some inexplicable reason.

  • Pittsburgh residents will queue up for the new Batman movie and spend the whole time shouting "Oooh!  I know where that is!" at the screen.

  • The North Shore Connector will be opened to thunderous "meh".

  • The Pirates will enjoy a brief stint at the top of the National League and then play their second game.

  • Sidney Crosby's concussion prognosis will be downgraded from "Serious Head Trauma" to "College Republican".

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