Hundreds Turn out for North Shore Infomercial

Several hundred people jammed onto the North Shore yesterday for an event promoting the "newest technological advancement in home exterior gardening."

The keynote speaker was Vince "Offer" Shlomi, most famous for the ubiquitous "Sham Wow" commercials and for having his tongue partially bit off by a prostitute.

Prior to addressing the crowd, which carried signs reading "No Gardening without Landscapingization" and "Give me Liberty or Give me Dirt," Shlomi said that this was an indication of how strongly people in this country cared about exterior home maintenance.

Organizers said that several hundred people showed up to see a pitch on a petrochemical alternative to their front lawn, made possible by the Oregon Institute of Science and Medicine and Chevron Oil.

Robert Beorn, Vice President for Chevron Oil, who organized the event, said that he had been interested in artificial lawn maintenance for several years. "This event is the culmination of my life's work and I'm so happy that several dozen people have shown up to share in my joy."

Shlomi said that many people can be blamed for the declining standards in home gardening -- Home Depot, Miracle Grow -- "but at the end of the day, you have to go back and look at your own, brown lawn and decide for yourself who's responsible."

The organizers encouraged those assembled to buy into new and improved "astroturf" which is available from fine mult-national corporations everywhere for a low, low price of $19.95 per square yard.

The event culminated by stripping the Allegheny Riverfront lawn, and replacing it with the grass alternative.