Wednesday, September 27, 2006

National Intellegence Estimate

We here at The Angry Drunk Bureaucrat have secret agents working at every level of Government, passing us vital bits of information which we can use for fun, profit, and sexual satisfaction.  Our super secret mole in the NSA [Bob Jenkins 1315 East-West Highway, Silver Spring MD, (301) 713-3249, Employee ID: 4815162342, Wife Jill and daughters Karen and Susie, Blood type O-] has recently smuggled us a portion of the unreleased classified bit of the controversial National Intelligence Estimate that's been causing all this hubbub.  Here are some highlights:

  • Not only does it call the Iraq situation a "dismal failure" and "a haven for terrorists", it also gives the Hotel del Sol in Bagdad's Green Zone two stars and complains about the "frequent air raid sirens interrupting karaoke night";
  • While the Iraq situation has become a recruitment tool for terrorists, it should be noted that they draw you in with their attractive offers of working from home all while being your own boss, only to be stuffing envelops filled with anthrax.  In that way, it is slightly better than Amway. 
  • Islamofacism is spreading across the globe; Zenfacism IS.
  • The Patriots are totally overrated.
  • The best vending machine candy at Langley is on the third floor near the director's office.
  • Troop strength and morale in Afghanistan is being undermined by (1) focus on the war in Iraq, (2) inability to secure effective cooperation from local and national leaders, (3) the rise of the opium trade, and (4) insufficient patriotism from Democrats.
  • Rick Santorum lives in Virginia. 
  • Outside of Iraq, Somalia and Yemen are opening up as fronts on the war on terror.  Inside of Iraq, it's too dark to read...  because there's no electricity.
  • Shi'ites and Sunnis would do a lot better if they just accepted Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Savior.
  • A sure way for an undercover agent to blow his cover in Iraq is to wish people "a bitchin' Ramadan".
  • Daniel Craig is going to suck ass as James Bond. 
That's all I managed to get through.  The whole report is kinda long, and rather boring... and there are graphs and numbers.  Actually, truth be told, I didn't even read it.  I'm just going to assume that it says what I think it says.  That's a good strategery, right?

P.S. Dear Mrs. Jenkins, I regret to inform you that your husband valiantly gave his life in the name of satire.  Bill will never be forgotten. 

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