Montgomery Scott: Public Enemy #1

Since the Minnesota Bridge collapse, I've been cowering under my bed, afraid to go outside into the built environment where a building may fall out from under me or a plane fall out of the sky on top of me. The mere thought of crossing over a bridge has sent me into panic attacks, and I have seriously contemplated how I can get to work without having to cross one.*

The cowering itself has started to affect the cats, who usually spend most of their time under the bed on weekdays. Apparently, I've been muscling into their space, and they are not happy.

This morning, however, I overcame the fear that my DSL line may explode and kill me and those close to me. Tomorrow I may try to venture into the public infrastructure, but I doubt it.

But, while I was peeing into unused water bottles, I came to a disturbing conclusion. There's a pattern to the collapse of the world trade center, the failure of the New Orleans levees, and now the collapse of the I-35W bridge: they are all engineered structures. There have been no other disasters in this country, except for engineered structures. I dare you to try to find a disaster that wasn't engineering relate, 'cause I know you won't try.

The pattern is clear. It's not the terrorists that are out to get us; it's the civil and structural engineers. It's a cabal, along the lines of the Masons or the Illuminati.

There's are secret Engineer "training camps" all around the country going by such innocuous names as "Massachusetts Institute of Technology," "Georgia Tech," and, most ominous of all, "Carnegie-Mellon University."

Lord knows what sick, Anti-American propaganda they are indoctrinating their followers with; they're probably right now holding meetings with secret, bizarre rituals involving slide rules and Star Trek.

We must track these Engineers down before they cause our water lines to explode, or our dams to break.

Until then, I'm staying under the bed with my windows duct taped and plastic over the doors... until the cats kick me out.

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*The solution, it seems, is "learn how to fly."