(Reuters) Arlington VA - Facing an significant cash disadvantage to his opponent, John McCain today took drastic measures to close the gap in the closing days of the 2008 Presidential campaign.
"My friends, today we have forged an arrangement that will bring us victory on November 4th," said Senator McCain to an audience of around 660 supporters in northern Virginia.
"After a night of incantations and a few sacrificed goats, the Dark Lord Satan himself came to me and offered my campaign unlimited financing in exchange for my immortal soul. After consultation with my running mate, we both agreed that this was the right tactic for this campaign.".
Supporter of the McCain campaign were initially taken aback by the move, however reactions from the punditocracy were generally positive.
"This is the kind of an Alpha Male action that this country needs," said Fox News fixture Ann Coulter. "Wimpy arugula eating traitorous Muslims don't even have a soul to sell for America."
The terms of the deal with Satan were not immediately available, but spokesman Richard Cheney said that the press would be given 20 minutes to review the nearly 9,000 pages, probably sometime during the next full moon.
The Evangelical wing of the GOP may not embrace this move by McCain, although it is expected to endear him to the party's backers on Wall Street. Still, representative of Satan say they have received the endorsement of the late Jerry Falwell.
Former Bush administration spokesman Scott McClellan said that the deal may not be a good long term strategy for the campaign. "Well, you see Satan's a tricky guy. He offers you eternal life, but he pulls a fast one on you and you find yourself living forever in Scranton PA. Not sure what Satan has in mind with this one. Chances are, he'll give John McCain a whole lot of money, but make it so Obama gets more."
The Obama campaign released no response to Sen. McCain's announcement.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
McCain Sells Soul for Emergency Cash
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Sarah Palin to Swing by Beaver
Larry Flint furiously takes notes
True Scotsmen Removed from GOP Roles
(Newswire) Columbus Ohio - In a surprise move, the Ohio GOP has requested that thousands of Scottish-Americans have their registrations changed as they no longer represent the views of Republicans Party.
At a 10 AM press conference, Ohio GOP spokesman Antony Flew stated that the party became concerned with the matter after recently released opinion polls showed that Ohio Scottish-Americans favored Barack Obama over John McCain by a staggering 10 to 1 majority.
John McCain was sitting down with his copy of the the Columbus Dispatch and saw an article about how "GOP Hibernian-Americans are Flocking to Obama in Record Numbers." McCain was shocked and declared that "No Scotsman would do such a thing." And then, the very next day he sits down to read the same Columbus Dispatch again and this time finds an article about Angus MacDonald, a long time Republican donor, hosting an Obama fundraiser. Mr. McCain came to the conclusion that, "No true Scotsman would do such a thing" and promptly ordered an investigation into activities of "un-Scotsmanlike behavior in the Republican Party."The Ohio GOP has requested that the identified Republican Scottish-Americans have their party registry changed from Republican to Independent. This change, it is expected, would cause mass confusion amongst Obama leaning Republican Scottish Americans in Ohio.
The move comes on the heels of several statements by Vice Presidential Candidate Sarah Palin, Minnesota Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann, Radio personality Rush Limbaugh, and McCain spokeperson Nancy Pfotenhauer all of whom spoke at length over the weekend regarding the support True Americans for the Republican Party.
Some from the left have argued that such statements are both a logical fallacy and a divisive, reprehensible mischaracterizations while others from the right have argued that no True American would ever disagree with the Republican Party.
The Ohio GOP had issued arm bands to True Americans, to show members that they are not alone in an America hating America. The Party has also called for "False American" Americans to wear similar identifiable markers such as iPods, eye glasses, or other pieces of flair.
The US Scottish-American Society has roundly condemned the GOP purge request, which was subsequently condemned by the Republican Party as something no "True Scotsman" would do.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Local Media to Announce City Layoffs
In an email just sent to me by folks that are far more in the loop than I could ever hope to be, the Ravenstahl Administration has apparently decided that the best way to address all personnel matters is to releases them to the media first.
Following the suspension of employees in the Department of Public Works, including the Department Director Guy Costa, which was apparently relayed to the media before the Director, the Mayor is planning another round of layoffs and suspensions, probably to be released by either KDKA Radio or WTAE News.
There's been discussion and some controversy on the 5th Floor of the City Council Building if this is the right way to approach major personnel announcements. Apparently there is a large contingent that believes that the Public Works suspensions shouldn't have been announced to the television media, but rather released as advertisements in the local print media. The New Pittsburgh Courier, according to some in the Mayor's Office actually provides a less expensive advertising rate than its other competitors.
Still, there is a further minority that believes that such advertising in the television or print media is frankly irresponsible and that city employees should be notified of layoffs in the comment sections of local blogs.
The Mayor has blessed a new policy which would require the local television news media to devote 5 minutes of their news programs to listing suspended and fired employees and denouncing them as "enemies of the City of Pittsburgh." Fired employees are to be immediately purged from all records, payrolls, photos, and official documents.
Guy Costa, who is at the heart of this controversy, was unavailable for comment as he was with other members of the Costa clan at a strategic planning meeting on the best way to give Luke Ravenstahl and Yarone Zober the political equivalent of a "swirlie" or perhaps an "upper decker".
More on this as it develops.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Plumbers and So Forth
By now, everyone's parsed to death this whole "Joe the Plumber" guy who popped up in Wednesday's debate. Of course we've all found out that this guy may or may not be a plumber, may or may not be licensed to be a plumber, may or may not actually make $250K a year, may or may not have paid his taxes, may or may not be in any position to purchase a plumbing business, may or may not be registered to vote, may or may not be a Republican, may or may not be tangentially related (through marriage) to Charles Keating, and may or may not have been a GOP plant. All we really know is that he looks like Michael Chiklis.
Setting that all aside, it was really fortunate for Senator McCain that Senator Obama had a 6 minute discussion with "Joe the Plumber." Imagine for a second if it hadn't been Joe. Suppose it had been Eric the Plumber, Terrance the Plumber, Darnell the Plumber, Janice the Plumber, or (God help us all) Hussein the Plumber. Imagine how embarrassing that would have been for the McCain campaign: hitching their populist hopes to some guy with the same name as some other guy that we forcibly deposed.
And on the other side of the coin, they should be happy that he was a plumber. What if Joe was an electrician instead (pretty good), a proctologist (icky), a septic repairman (really icky), an actuary (what's the heck is that?), a hairdresser (really gay), or Governor of Alaska (worse than an actuary).
Imagine if Hussein the Septic Repairman had carried on this conversation with Obama. The McCain campaign would have had to abandon the whole faux populism thing and have to jump straight to implying that Obama associates with poop suckers with terrorist sounding names.
Which, honestly, would have upped the level of discourse considerably.
However, Joe the Plumber now joins the joins the ranks of such illustrious person as Catherine the Great, Eric the Red, Smokey the Bear by gaining the middle name "The." Unfortunately for him, now that his middle name is changed, he will be purged from the Ohioan voter roles because of a clerical oversight.
I say it's a win/win.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Canadian Election Night Special
As I was watching the CBC tonight, waiting for the results to come in, they stumbled upon this:
Barack Obama for Prime Minister
Now that's some funny stuff, eh?
Soirée électorale Canadienne spécial
Comme je regardais la CBC ce soir, en attendant les résultats à venir, ils tombé sur ceci:
Barack Obama pour le Premier ministre
Maintenant que les choses amusantes, eh?
My friends...
For those of you that care, I drew the short straw in the last Presidential Debate Drinking game as I was responsible for the phrase "My Friends". I realized shortly after my 15th shot of Vladimir Vodka (product tagline: WARNING! May cause blindness) that there would be no followup blog posting to the debate.
With the third and, God help us all, final Presidential debate upcoming, I must say that the selection of questions and the format of debate has been a bit... well... stilted.
No, let's not say that. Let's say, downright boring.
Before the previous debate, Old Man McCain said that the gloves were off and he was prepared to take it to his opponent. During the course of the debate, however, he wandered around the stage as if he was searching for the Early Bird Special at Cracker Barrel. Unless Obama was made up of biscuits and gravy with your choice of sides, this did not seem to be a viable strategy.
It would be nice, therefore, to make the debates a bit more punchier. While incorporating something like a steel cage of death, some sort of flaming hoop, or allowing the candidates to come out in masks and capes would be preferable, I doubt that the elderly Senator McCain would be up for any of that.
Plus, having a black guy and anything "flaming" would turn off large segments of them there folk in Central Pennsylvania.
So, baring all that, the only option is to "spice up" the questions to be presented. For example:
* Sen. McCain, of your 8 houses, which one is your favorite.Yeah, I'd TiVo that debate.
*Sen. Obama, you say that you're not a communist, terrorist loving Muslim, but can you provide irrefutable proof that 23% of the country is wrong?
*Sen. McCain, so is your opponent a terrorist or what?
*Sen. Obama, would you agree with Sen. McCain that his wife is, in fact, a "trollup"?
*Sen. McCain, how many of the Founding Fathers did you know personally?
*Sen. Obama, do you think that a "liberal media conspiracy" is behind news reports that say that you're so awesome?
*Sen. McCain, in regards to Governor Palin: what the hell? Seriously, what the hell?
*Sen. Obama, is it true that you people are "gifted"?
*Sen. McCain, can you pinpoint for us the moment that you sold your soul? Did you at least get a good price for it?
*Sen. Obama, how do you respond to the following statement: "Marshmallows! I to be the first to apply and not to be underdone! Break not the community trust!"
Monday, October 13, 2008
Meanwhile at the Bureau of Building Inspection...
Saw this today over at the P-G:Mr. Ravenstahl promoted Sergei Matveiev to take over the [Bureau of Building Inspection], which has been charged with one of the mayor's key initiatives, cleaning up neighborhood eyesores and improving problem properties. Mr. Matveiev has worked in the department for 4 1/2 years as a building plan examining engineer and has a master's degree in architecture.
So, good on Mr. Matveiev; glad to see that the Mayor's Office didn't screw around for months on end with an "Acting" Chief.
Although, I can't see how this position would be an enviable one. With all this political focus on "Redding Up" neighborhoods (not to mention the Mayoral "sweeps" with members of the Press in tow), I can only imagine that this is a heck of a lot of work for the folks in BBI. Considering that the department is widely known to be understaffed and (as indicated by the article) a bit antiquated, I would assume that the Mayor is having a hard time ramming projects through this department. And, of course, Mr. Matveiev is going to have to be the point person, taking calls from Luke at 2 AM, every time Hizzoner notices a pothole.
I wonder how many people in BBI turned down the offer before getting to Mr. Matveiev...