Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Five Minute Rant

To all my Customers:

We seem to have a few misunderstandings regarding my services, which I hope to rectify here. I hope you will take my directives to heart.

Don't call me before business hours start; I'm not here. I'm probably asleep or eating breakfast or commuting to the office. You know very well when we start work; calling 15 minutes early with your pissant complaint isn't going to make me work on it any harder.

Don't call me exactly when business hours start. Unless the rivers are turning to blood, darkness is covering the land, and your first born has died, your attempt to get my attention first thing is not going to work. No one has yet to call me with a emergency that warrants my attention before my first cup of coffee.

Don't call me during lunch. If you're calling me during lunch, you're hoping that I'm at lunch too and you didn't want to talk with me anyway. To foil your nefarious scheme, I take random lunch hours so you may, in fact, find me answering the phone. Be forewarned.

Don't call me five minutes after the close of business. Again, you obviously didn't want to talk to me. Please be courteous and call during lunch instead.

Don't call me two hours after the close of business. Despite what you may think, I have a life outside of THE BUREAUCRACY. I am not on call for your pissant complaints about how your project isn't being sent to the Federal Government for funding that it will ultimately be turned down for. You suck; calling after hours to complain that I'm not enabling your sucking is not going to help your cause.

Don't call me four hours after the close of business; THIS IS ESPECIALLY TRUE FOR UTILITY COMPANIES. I'm tired of recorded messages left at 9 PM telling me to call back between the hours of 9 AM and 4:30 PM Monday - Friday about a matter of urgency. HEY JERKWAD! WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME BETWEEN 9 AM AND 4:30 PM TO BEGIN WITH??? Bastards.

And finally, FOR THE LOVE OF THE BIG GEORGE FOREMAN STOP CALLING ME ON WEEKENDS!! I will not be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, briefed, debriefed or numbered. My life is my own. I AM A FREE MAN ON WEEKENDS!

There! I've said it. I feel better.

I hope this puts to rest any confusion you may have had.


The Angry, Drunk Bureaucrat

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